Life stories

After falling off my horse in December and breaking my foot, followed by 3 months (a non-related surgery occurred in mid February) of not riding, I found it difficult to regain my confidence on my horse. My trainers, being the wise and knowledgeable women that they are, started me back slowly. I was building momentum fast and then I started going backwards. Hard to find a clear cut reason. I just did. I was afraid to ride my horse.

Since relocating to Oregon, Ruby has become either a different horse or her real, true self. It doesn’t matter. She’s the sensitive horse I bought in California four and a half years ago times five. Still a great horse and very rideable with a perfectly calm, nothing ever bothers me rider on her back. That has never been used to describe me.

She would look to me to reassure her. At the same time I was looking to her for reassurance! Neither one of us was getting what we wanted. I prayed to God to please take my fear away. I had had it with that miserable emotion and I wanted it gone!

It dawned on me this morning that that is exactly what he did. Let me explain. A few weeks ago, in sheer desperation, I told my trainer I thought what she suggested eight months ago was correct. I have the wrong horse. For me, for my safety, for my progression, for my pleasure. Not wanting to influence me back then, both of my trainers agreed to carry on with my training on Ruby and never mentioned it again. They accepted that I wanted to keep my horse and they were willing to work with me to overcome the obstacles in my riding. A few weeks ago I told them they were right. Ruby was no longer the partner I needed and more importantly, I wasn’t the one she needed.

Facing the truth was hard. For eight months I kept telling myself, “It’s me. If I just get braver, if I just ride her more, if I change my attitude. If, if, if. I continued to push on that square peg to make it fit into the round hole. It didn’t fit and it never will.

What to do? I discussed it with my primary trainer. We talked about options. She knew of three therapy programs and knew the people who ran them. Being a sensitive horse, Ruby would be great working with people who had emotional issues, not to mention PTSD Vets. It was the Vets part that caught my attention. I would love it if my horse could be an instrument for healing.

As it turned out, everything has fallen into place and Ruby will be going to Healing Hearts Ranch in Olympia, WA on the 18th. It will initially be on a trial basis for up to 60 days at which time if it doesn’t work out I would be approached with the option to take her back. My trainer knows the owner of this ranch/program and trusts her completely. I have looked at their website and seen the good work they do there. Ruby has taught me a lot. Now it is time for her to teach others while making a huge difference in their lives. She will become a healer and will be honored and loved by many. That is what will make our separation tolerable, albeit painful.

In the interim, each of my trainers has me taking lessons on one of their horses. One horse is very tall but rock solid and very sweet. The other is very short and extremely well trained. I will be riding both of them for several months, allowing me to save money in order to purchase my next (and probably last) horse partner. My trainer will assist in that process and has already assured me that we will take our time, ending up ideally with a lease/purchase situation.  Knowing her as I have for the last two years, I am confident she has my best interest in mind, not to mention my safety.

My point in telling you this story is to remind you that your best laid plans often blow up in your face.  Change is inevitable. Changing your mind about something you were absolutely sure of is okay. It happens.  We have to be flexible rather than intractable, open to the new instead of stubbornly refusing to let it in.  Being able to leave your comfort zone when you have no idea what awaits you outside of it. Trusting that you will land on your feet. Not only will you be okay but you will be happy again. You do not grow in your comfort zone. Remember that.

Jeremiah 29:11  When God pushes you to the edge of difficulty, trust him fully because two things can happen.  Either he’ll catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly.

God bless.

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My last post was November 26th, 2018. Oh my. That is a long time ago. This is why..

In early December my oldest grandson who is in the Navy came to visit us before being deployed. Too much to prepare for, so I could not write. After he left, I came down with a bad cold which lasted about eight days. I had just gotten back to the barn to ride my horse when – – I came off of her and broke my foot! Six weeks without riding. It was a clean break, no surgery required. I had to wear a boot for six weeks, plus sleep in it. About two weeks in, I learned that I also had a concussion: lightheadedness, irritability, sensitivity to bright lights, smells and sounds. In addition I had tremors. That scared me. Those symptoms went away after about a month.

We went to California for my birthday (end of January). You would think I would be ready to ride my horse again but my concussion symptoms were still around and my trainers both said “No riding!” Bummer.

In February I had surgery! It was not related to my foot and it was elective. What I did not know at the time was I had agreed to major surgery. Four hours worth! Oh, and no riding for six more weeks! We are now at the “almost five week” mark so I actually have a date (March 27th) when I can ride again. The last few weeks I have been able to go to the barn and catch my horse, groom her and even do some ground work.  My energy level is almost back to normal but not all the way yet. But I feel like I am finally in my life instead of watching it from the sidelines. Patience is not one of my virtues.

Having a birthday and an accident and then surgery made me realize how vulnerable I am. How fragile life is. How my body does not bounce back the way it did in my 30s, or 40′ or even 50’s. I am officially old now and I am painfully aware of it.

I find myself in an almost frantic attempt to live out the rest of my life as well as I possible can. To learn more about being a good Christian, (reading the bible now for the third time and have volunteered as a greeter at my church) love more, be a better wife and in general a better me. Not that it wasn’t important before, but it seems critical now.

When you are young you think (and feel) that you will live forever. When you get into your 60s and beyond, you feel differently. You know that your body is finite and will expire one day. So you want to make the most of it while you are still in it.

I listen to other people’s stories and realize how small my trials are. You tend to forget that when you are in the middle of your own desert. It helps to keep your perspective, even though your struggles have value and certainly meaning.  Try not to over inflate and stay positive. You will get through this, whatever it looks like now.

So what are my goals for this year?

Face my fears and push through them. Life is richer on the other side of fear.

Write more. I feel like I have let precious time go by without reaching out.

Grow in my faith by reading, learning and practicing His Word.

My new mantra?  LIVE BOLDLY!  It is a big challenge but one I will take on one choice at a time.

I’m back! God bless you and hope your journey feels worth it.  (It is.)

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There’s an interesting thing about being sick, especially for busy people. For people like me who have “plans”. First you have to cancel your “plans”. You postpone those that can be and you say goodbye to the ones that can’t. You tell yourself they weren’t that important anyway, in the grand scheme of things.

After a bout with vertigo at the tale end of our California trip last month, I came down with a cold. And then it turned into a sinus infection, something I don’t ever remember having in my lifetime. Not fun. I went to the doctor, begrudgingly, but out of a fear that something dreadful was going to get me if I didn’t. In the past, the majority of my colds have turned into bronchitis, and once pneumonia. That would surely drag this illness out another week or two, necessitating the cancellation and/or postponement of more plans. Now that I am of a certain age, the fear of dying lies not too far beneath the surface. And so I went to the doctor.

He prescribed, at my suggestion I’m sure, some antibiotics. I got to choose the one I liked best. I went for the Z pack, something I have taken many times which seems to be part medicine, part magic. “You should start to feel better in the next few days.” And then he was gone. I was now on my own to face the task of getting well.

Not only did plans come and go, unaccompanied by me, but simple things around the house did not get done. I had a good book I was reading, but I was rapidly approaching the end. What do I do now? I asked myself. The truth of my condition then came crashing down on me. I had stopped doing ANYTHING! With the exception of morning and evening ablutions, I was doing next to nothing! Once I had given myself permission to take it easy due to my illness, I think I got carried away. The thought of doing anything that required me moving about had become abhorrent to me. (Well, I had a good excuse.)

This morning I woke up (this is day 11) and with some vexation told myself I would accomplish SOMETHING today. How about your blog? Good starting point. So here I am.

It is really true what they say about a body at rest, isn’t it? The body at rest resists movement at all cost. And I believe the longer it is at rest, the longer it protests the need to get up. That’s just not me and I don’t like it one bit!

After finishing this blog I am going to go out and get a badly needed pedicure. And then I am going to come home and rest, without feeling guilty. After all, I checked off two important items on my to-do list today. And that’s progress!

God bless you. Now if you can, get up and do something!

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It’s hard to believe that we have lived in Oregon for 2 1/2 months now. Where did the time go? What happened to my blogs? What am I doing here?

There have been many blessings with this move. We are temporarily living in a very nice apartment in the absolute best part of town – beautiful area, convenient to everything and getting more and more familiar every day.

We began our  home search In October. We made offers during that month on three different places. The first one verbally accepted our counter offer and then went with a new higher bidder. I was so angry with the seller for tossing out her integrity that I told Bill we wouldn’t  come up to the new price. We didn’t. We walked.

House number two did not work out because they wouldn’t take VA. (A decision we made months ago so that we could keep our investments in tact.) House number three accepted our first offer immediately. It was also the first day they were on the market! We are in escrow, closing is December 14th. I can hardly believe it.

The home inspection went very well with only some minor handyman items. They have agreed to give us a generous credit to get the repairs done. The appraisal is scheduled for sometime next week. Fingers crossed but I believe we will be okay. I am not looking forward to packing again so soon, but we are giving ourselves permission to move in slowly. And this time our new place is only 15 minutes from here, not 20 hours!

Being close to my son and family is the best blessing. My physical contact with them for the last several years has been limited to two trips a year for a week or less. Now I see them at least twice a week. My grandson (2 1/2) is getting used to me now and I get a big smile when I see him. It fills my heart. And my granddaughter is about to walk!

The horse situation has not been as happy. She loves being out in the pasture with her mare friends. So much so that she is impossible to catch! It has become a game for her which is challenging me and my new trainer beyond what I could have imagined. I did an hour training session at a clinic recently with her. We worked on being able to catch her. The trainer’s solution was to make her run until she was so tired that she would give up and let you catch her. It is difficult to do that out in two acres of pasture without exhausting yourself as well.

We’ve moved her to a smaller pasture without any companions. They are next to her on the other side of the fence. Not as much grass to graze so she gets hay twice a day to supplement. I was out there yesterday. I still couldn’t catch her. I left defeated and saddened because I don’t have my old horse. She hasn’t been herself since she came up here. I know that horses do not like change and she is that way times ten. We may have to wait this one out.

In the meantime she went lame and so we hauled her out to the Vet last Friday. He took x-rays. Not great news. She has a bone condition called “OCD” which she was born with and on top of that arthritis, all of which is occurring in her left hind leg. Apparently quite common in quarter horses. The solution is a daily anti-inflammatory and no heavy work. That’s fine with me because we don’t do heavy work anyway. So, theoretically I can keep doing what I do with her for hopefully another ten years. That would be great. (Once we solve the catching problem, that is.)

In the interim I worry about her being sad at her new place. I think it will take time. I’ve heard stories of horses that came from far away and then took three or more months to adjust. I must be patient but it’s hard.

I’m working on trying to see the positives in life and not let the bumps in the road throw me off. It sounds like an easy enough thing to do but it isn’t always. I rely on God in the form of prayer and the wonderful Christian radio stations (I’ve found three so far.) to boost me up and keep me going.

It may be hard for non-animal people to understand and I get that. But my horse is my child and there are many parallels where their happiness is concerned.  I want her to be happy.  I want us to reconnect. It just hasn’t happened yet.

Whatever is going on in your life right now, don’t give up hope. Turn to God for comfort and guidance. Talk to him whenever you are anxious or worried. He is always there.

And this Thursday being Thanksgiving, be thankful! I saw a sign recently that said “Start each day with a grateful heart.” Sounds like a good practice, right? I dare you to try it!

God bless.

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I feel guilty. I have not written my blog for weeks. I started out shortly after we moved here and then dropped off the face of the earth. I lost my mojo. (What is that, anyway?) No inspiration came to me. I was busy settling into my nest and into my affairs, my new life in Oregon.  I am pleased to say, things are going very well.

My horse has been here for three weeks as of tomorrow. For the first two weeks I let her get used to being out all day with pasture mates, to the new routine of going out every morning and coming in at night. I went out to see her every day for the first eight days. I wanted her to know that I had not brought her up here to give her to someone else. I was still her mom.

I began my lessons a week ago. Ruby’s response was like, “Why are you taking me out of the pasture? It’s not dark yet! I still have some delicious grass to eat! Isn’t this my new job? Grazing?” Sadly, no.

I rode her and my trainer rode her. She was quite the jumpy girl. New person riding her, new covered arena. Then we mixed it up one nice day and rode outside. The last two times I rode her the temperature was in the mid fifties. I, being the wimp that I am, texted my trainer. “Isn’t it too cold to ride today?” I really believed she would answer in the affirmative and we would reschedule my lesson. “You’re kidding, right?” was her comeback. Oops.  I guess I am a wimp. I wore tights under my breeches, an undershirt, regular long sleeved shirt, a sweater and a jacket. It was actually nice enough to take off the jacket. What a Southern California wuss I am! Then my trainer told me about fleece lined breeches. I ordered a pair yesterday.

I believe my horse likes it there, especially the all day grazing part and hanging out with some nice mares. The rest of it is still so new and distracting. I’m finding that I have to change who I am to handle the new horse that she is. Interesting concept. Not surprising to most horse people I suppose. I never considered that she would change. By change I don’t mean anything bad, she just needs some time to adjust. Horses do not like change and this was a huge one. Time and patience and learning some new skills. It’s all good.

I found my new hairdresser who is sweet and very good at her craft. I have signed on with a chiropractor who is, so far anyway, a good fit. I joined a gym this morning and started working out again. I haven’t done that for a long time and it feels good.

We are slowly finding our way around. We haven’t settled on a church yet but are trying a few different ones. Sunday night is bible study at my son’s house as he and his wife are the leaders. Nice group.

My new barn friends are awesome, genuine and true horse lovers like I am. My trainer is going to teach me a lot. We have had three barn get togethers so far and they have all been a lot of fun.

We are starting to look for our new home and have already gotten our loan approval. It’s just a matter of finding the right place at the right time. I have faith.

My life is filling up beautifully as is Bill’s. He is getting closer to putting a business together which will keep him busy and happy. He cannot retire. He said it’s boring! I, on the other hand, have never been bored in retirement!

Life is good. Everything fell into place when we made the commitment to move up here. It surprises me how easy it has been to adjust and create a new life for ourselves. This all tells me that it was meant to be. There has been no struggle involved in anything we have done. There have been challenges but all of them have worked out for the best.

When you make a big decision, pay attention to how things flow. If you keep banging your head against the wall at every turn, perhaps you need to re-think your decision. Maybe it is not the perfect one or the perfect time. God has a way of letting you know if you are on the right track. I strongly believe He is working in our lives for our good and if we just listen, and then follow, we will find our true happiness. I think they call it “bliss”.

May God speak to you and may you hear Him through the chatter in your head. May He come in loud and clear,  removing the distractions from your life. May you find bliss by following Him. Amen.

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It seems like forever since I wrote my last blog. It probably has been.  As it got closer to our departure from Fallbrook, I found myself completely preoccupied and not able to focus on anything except packing and handling any last minute details. (There were a million of those.) I dreaded the last two days. On the first day we rented our truck and packed it. My son and his wife came over early to take everything out of the house and into the garage and driveway. Good idea. Getting a 22′ truck pulling a tow dolly for Bill’s car into our narrow turn around driveway was quite the feat. My son, being the wizard that he is, managed it. He even backed it up so that all we had to do the next morning was drive out.

Bill found some extra people to help load the truck. He found three and as luck would have it one of them used to be a professional mover. My son started to give him direction but upon noticing his expertise he sat back and watched in awe as the young man strategically placed every box, piece of furniture or odd leftover into the truck. By the end it was full to the gills but everything fit. Sigh of relief.

We wanted to get to Redding on the first day. Ambitious but we did it. We drove for 13 hours. My daughter-in-law’s mom shared the driving with me and Bill rode with my son in the truck. Getting into bed at the hotel that night was sheer bliss.

We left again the next day at 6am, thinking we would get to Portland between 1-2. Nope. It seems that a full 22′ foot truck pulling a compact car cannot do 65 mph in the mountains! And there were lots of mountains!

So as not to miss our deadline for getting the keys to our apartment, I drove past the truck and made good time, getting there by 4:00. We had hoped that my other son, the one who lives in Portland, would be able to round up several guys to help us unload. No such luck. There was a wedding reception for one of their coworkers and that’s where everyone who wasn’t working that day was going. Bill was stressing out big time, figuring it would not get done. You see after unloading most of everything at the apartment, we had to drive to my son’s house (30 mins away) to unload the rest, then fill the truck’s gas tank and drop it off at Home Depot. As it turned out my two sons were incredibly efficient, organized and strong. With some help from the two women and my husband, we got it done. It was after 8:30pm before we left for my son’s house after filling our stomachs with Domino’s.

By the time we were back here at the apartment it was 11:30pm. The next day we drove my CA son and my daughter-in-law’s mother to the airport.

As of today we have been here one week. Today is the first cloudy day since we arrived. We have been blessed with beautiful weather. Although our apartment is on the ground floor, once you walk in it is on the second floor. I don’t know how that works but it is wonderful because we can leave all the windows open when we go out. We also don’t have to look into anyone else’s living room. I see rooftops and trees. Our home is hugged by trees. This is one reason I moved back here. Beauty and nature abound.

Since leaving California I am peaceful and happy. Except for the cracks in my heart due to leaving my sister, my son and his family and all of my amazing friends. Hopefully they will come to visit.  In the deepest part of me I feel I am home.

Now that the computer is set up I will be back to my normal weekly blog. What bit of wisdom can I pass on from this experience? Moving is hell. There are no two ways about it. You have way too much stuff. Get rid of it now before you have to move!

But mostly I would say this, if you are pondering a big decision, pray about it, ask for guidance. I was given a very clear signal what to do when I asked directly for it. And since making that decision I have felt comfortable and strong in the knowledge that I chose well.

Life is good and all that is good is from God. Be thankful every day for the blessings in your life. They are gifts and are not to be taken for granted. Peace, love and blessings.

 

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Escrow on our house opened on  August 4th. This means that it should close on September 5th, the 4th being a holiday. The best case scenario is that everything will go smoothly and it will close on time. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Right now it looks like we will be on schedule. However, we just learned we have a few hiccups that may or may not turn into something more threatening. We are awaiting the results of one report and a response to our latest communication. With luck all will go well.

I don’t remember ever going through anything as stressful as this. I have sold two houses before, but I don’t remember being this anxious. I know that I have no control over the outcome but that doesn’t help me when I am lying in bed at 3:00am with all of the wheels in my brain spinning. I am trying to remain positive. My husband, on the other hand, is more pessimistic. He sees each hiccup as a sign that this was not meant to be. I’m guessing that our reality will be somewhere in the middle.

It is difficult, when you have two people wanting to control a situation that they ultimately cannot control. In cases like this, you just have to turn it over to God. This is something I try to do on a daily basis. There are so many things that have to be scheduled.  As of right now they are all lined up based on a closing date of September 5th. Should anything fall through, all of those locked in dates will fade into the paper they are written on. This would not be the end of the world, but it certainly would give credence to my belief that everything happens for a reason. I have to remember that I said that. My job is to remain as neutral and flexible as humanly possible.

I continue to pack, knowing that at some point we will be leaving. Living in limbo like this is my worst nightmare. It shouldn’t be, but it is. (Well, maybe 3rd worst.) As I have mentioned before, I like structure and I need my nest to be in tact. This is hardly a description of our current situation. The more I pack, the more I am surrounded by boxes which translates in my brain to upheaval rather than structure.

Finding the time to write this was challenging. I am actually writing as I sit in the arena at my barn watching my horse walk around searching for loose grass in the sand. My days are full and go by too quickly. Figuring out times to get together with friends or loved ones for the last time before we leave is next to impossible. I am doing the best I can.

Is there a lesson in all of this? Of course there is. One must let go of the things one cannot control. This is something I’ve known and practiced or attempted to practice for years. You must remain flexible, patient and above all,  keep the faith that it will turn out in the end the way it was supposed to. I do believe that, strongly.There is an end to this chaos and I will be on the other side of it dancing for joy. I honestly can’t wait for that moment.The moment when I will do my happy dance and I am hoping that my husband will join me.

As I sit here on the mounting block in the arena watching my horse, I am praying with all my heart that the dance of joy will come sooner than later. Stay tuned, and keep the faith. God bless.

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As we move closer to selling our home, I find myself with mixed emotions.  Someone told me recently that after you fix up your house and stage it, it looks so good that you don’t want to leave! I’ve felt some of that. Our house has never looked this good; free of clutter, freshly painted and staged to perfection. Remind me again why we’re leaving? Oh yes, I remember now.

It’s hard on the brain. I walk around this beautiful home trying to comprehend that soon it will not be mine. Someone else will be bathing in my claw foot tub. Someone new will be washing dishes and looking out into the yard and my favorite tree that at sunset softly filters the last of the day’s light. A fire in the fireplace this winter won’t be warming me as I lay curled up on the couch watching an old movie.

So much has happened in this house. My youngest son got married here in 2012. The reception was out at the pool. A DJ played for people to dance in our courtyard. In 2014 Bill and I renewed our vows in front of friends and family. And then there were the many summer days at the pool with our children and grandchildren.

Oh dear, this is not a good path I’m on. I need to be looking ahead to the new adventure. Here’s to not stepping out of my comfort zone but leaping! Sprinting down the path instead of having to be dragged, kicking and screaming.

So many changes. World upside down. Developing new routines. Becoming a new me,  a more advanced form. Sarah 2.0.

This could be fun! I remember being in Oregon in May. We were in a trendy area in Southwest Portland. Walking together with my son and his family I remember thinking, I could be a different version of myself once we’re living up here. No one will ever know. There’s tremendous freedom in that. The thought actually made me excited. Maybe I’ll cut my hair short and wear hats. Maybe I’ll change the way I dress. Maybe I’ll change my name to Sadie or Madeleine. The possibilities are only limited by my imagination.

I look forward to writing up there. So much inspiration; beautiful evergreens, waterfalls, volcanoes, mountains, bridges, rivers and wildlife. My third book will be written there. I feel the seed for it already growing inside. So much lies ahead.

Somewhere up there is a woman who walks around her home, knowing that it will soon belong to another. Maybe me.

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Still in the middle of the chaos of moving. Hiring contractors. Waiting to hear back from them, never hearing back from some. Fast approaching deadline, July 20th, when we hope to get our home on the market. So much has to be done by that date. Actually a couple of days before that date because pictures must be taken for the listing. And on it goes, until I feel like I am going to lose it.

Yesterday during my morning chat with God, I asked if I could be five years old again and climb into his lap.I would let Him finish all that needs to be done for the move. He certainly could handle it. I would just rest there, comfortably wrapped in His arms. He would nudge me awake when it was time to reconvene my earthly life in our new home. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? It would certainly be a welcomed respite from the craziness I am currently going through.

What’s wrong with contractors that they would be so flaky? I do know some who are not that way, but it seems that all of the flaky ones have volunteered to enter my life only to disappoint me. They don’t get back to me when they say they will. They don’t provide a bid as promised. Some of them completely disappear!

There was one who had come highly recommended by a neighbor, over a year ago. I tried using him then and he disappeared right after he gave me the bid. I thought I would give him another chance now that we could definitely use his expertise. He came out, asked me to give him a week to finish a job and then he would give me a bid and hopefully start the work. Yeah, he never called back and never answered my voicemail or my texts. Some folks never change I guess.

Another recommendation for a different job. And I love and trust the person who recommended him! He came out and promised to give us a bid in a few days. That was over a week ago. He has also not responded to my voicemail or texts. What’s wrong with people?

My son says that some contractors will say they will do the work when it’s the only job in town. Then they get the chance to make more money and they drop you like the proverbial hot potato. Perhaps.  Nevertheless it is extremely frustrating. Now I know why many people do their own work, even if it’s not perfect, at least you can count on yourself!

I want to be five and have my only decision be what I will play when I get outside. Or will I stay inside and play with my dolls until Mom calls me for lunch? Those were the good old days, right? Wasn’t five a wonderful age? Still untouched by the stark reality of life but old enough to do things that entertained you for hours. No stress, no problems, no contractors!

Please don’t misunderstand. I know and have worked with some wonderful, reliable and talented contractors. They’re just not around now, apparently.

So when possible, I will curl up in my Father’s lap and have him take over the problems of the day.  I will dream about wonderful new adventures and new friends and moments of sheer bliss. Ah, to be five again!

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