Things to ponder

Do you remember “Efficiency Experts”?  Back in the late 1970’s the insurance brokerage firm I worked for hired several of them to evaluate its employees and the operation in general. I remember being interviewed about what I did on a daily basis and then asked if I had suggestions to improve the quality and flow of my work day. I approached the process with some skepticism as did most of my colleagues but we cooperated and waited for the big changes to come down the pike. No big changes were made as a result of the study. I wonder how much the company paid for it?

I’m not even sure if these people still exist today. I did some research. I believe they currently fall under the heading of “Business Consultant”. I am not here today to tout the benefits of hiring efficiency experts. On the contrary, I am here to say that in most areas of your life, efficiency is the last thing you need!

Efficiency is defined as “the accomplishment of or ability to accomplish a job with a minimum expenditure of time and effort”. Very valuable in business, right? No argument there. However, as a retired person, I see very little value in living my life efficiently. Am I wrong?

Being retired means managing your own time, all the time. I do have commitments to others where time matters because someone else’s time is being spent as well as mine. However, when it’s just me, doing things that I love and I am alone – who wants to be efficient? I don’t!

Example, waking up in the morning. Some of you probably jump out of bed early to get your day started. I don’t do that anymore. When I wake up, I stay in bed for a a minimum of ten minutes and ease my way into the day. I cherish my ability to control my own time and as a rule I don’t want to worry about it!

How long it takes me to write, to read a book, grocery shop, to go to the gym and work out, to clean house, to watch something unproductive and of questionable value on TV – is not only of little importance to me now but watching the clock makes me crabby! I resent having to be somewhere at a certain time. It is annoying to this  lady of leisure!

I do have tasks, even fun hobbies where time is important. I do those with great love and appreciation. But my most favorite times are where time isn’t important or measured. It is very freeing. It is one of the best benefits of being retired.

I rarely wear a watch anymore and when I do, it serves as a piece of jewelry, not a timepiece. I only look at the clock occasionally. Who cares? I know many of you will disagree because you still pay attention to time, even when retired. Good for you! I did way too much of that when I was in the corporate world. It doesn’t suit my life style any longer and that feels wonderful.

Efficiency has tremendous value. When you are retired, it has less value. You get to decide the importance it plays in your life. I would only suggest that you leave most of it at your old workplace. Go ahead, waste some time! You’ve earned it!  :))

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Have you ever agonized over a big decision? Did it practically take over your life until the decision was made? I remember struggling so badly with a decision in January 1976 that I gave myself permission to change my mind until the very, very last minute. I was in Atlanta, Georgia with my husband and young son. We were visiting for Christmas and celebrating my parents’ reuniting. (another story) My husband and I were living in Tehran, Iran in a dying marriage. My life was generally miserable and of my own making. Being with my parents away from Iran was a sweet escape. The option of staying in Atlanta rather than going back to Tehran with my husband for another year was beyond tempting.

During the last few days of our visit, I changed my mind every hour and for a myriad of reasons – staying meant freedom but also failure. Returning meant going back to “prison” but also keeping my family together. You get the idea.

It was not until I boarded the SECOND flight back to Tehran that I knew this was my final opportunity to turn around and go back. I didn’t. I got on the plane out of fear, fear of an unknown future. A case of familiar misery is often more acceptable than the unknown. I survived but only after another year of suffering.

I remember talking to my father during that visit. I told him everything. I trusted his judgement. He told me that with very few exceptions, your decisions can be undone.  Simply make another decision!

Although it didn’t help me at that particular time, I think about his words whenever I am faced with a large decision today. There are very few life or death decisions that we are called upon to make in our lives.

Another bit of advice that he gave me about decision making which I find very useful is list making. You are probably already familiar with this one and may even be utilizing it. If, for example, you have been offered a different job and you are not sure whether you should leave your current job and go for the new one or stay where you are, make a list! Pros and cons for staying in the new job or pros and cons of leaving . Or, if you really like lists, make four columns and do pros and cons for both! It takes something mental and adds a new dimension of visual. For people like me who appreciate that dimension, it becomes a valuable aid in the decision making process. If your “con” column is much longer than your “pro”, then don’t do it!

When I was 16 my parents divorced. My father left my mother for another woman. Ten years later he came back. My parents remarried and spent the rest of their lives together. This is admittedly very rare and all kinds of variables were in his favor,  but you see it is possible. He reversed a decision and ultimately got back what he had lost!

As a young adult I found decision making challenging at best. This was due to the fact that while growing up, most of my decisions were made for me, by my father. He was a very strong figure in my life. All of a sudden I am an adult and have to make my own decisions. It was difficult at first. But after each big decision, subsequent decisions became easier. This speaks to why you need to give your children opportunities to make decisions on their own. Not only does it build confidence but it will make their future decisions much easier when they leave the nest.

Some decisions are inherently hard to make but not making the decision takes the control away from you and gives it to someone or something  else. Make an informed decision and then see where it leads. If it does not turn out well, make another decision. This is your life. Make it work for you.

Now, what should I have for lunch?  :))

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What I am about to tell you is not expert advice, rather it is based on many years of living and experience with men. I have also read several books on the subject. The information I provide is based on the assumption that the man in question is at his core, a good man. He does not beat you, cheat on you or lie about who he is.

I have come to the conclusion that men need three things from their mates in order to be happy. And those three things are: sex (no surprise there), appreciation and space. By space I mean you cannot hover over him or expect to be with him 24/7. It would drive anyone, let alone your man, a little crazy. They need time to be men, think about things that either do not concern you or that they do not wish to share. A man cave is a perfect solution but if you do not have one, a home office, den,  or just let them be alone sometimes, without interfering by constantly asking him what he’s  doing or when he will be finished. No man likes that.

Women need space as well. You each need to have your alone time. Time to re-group, regenerate, refresh, whatever “re” word you can think of that applies here. My day for all of the above is Monday. That is my sacred day. It is when I write, take care of business things, do laundry, read, whatever tickles my fancy. But I want to do it alone. If I don’t get my alone time I get crabby. Togetherness is wonderful but so is solitude. Neither one is good as a regular diet.

Men do not want nor do they need to share all of their thoughts with you. It is not who they are. Give them that. Accept it. It is just the way they are built. A little mystery is a good thing, right?

I have learned so much about men over the years, from my sons first and then from my husband. I really did not figure out the good wife thing until a few years ago. It’s not easy and yet it is. I should probably say that it doesn’t come easily to us women because we are so different from them. Vive la difference!

Of course all men are not the same. There is not a one size fits all way to be with your man. If you love him and want to stay with him, then you will figure out what he likes and does not like of the things you do.  My husband, for example, does not like to play 20 questions. (I think most men are like this.) One or two questions about his day are fine, but if it becomes an interrogation, I have either lost him or pissed him off. I try to avoid both.

Now, appreciation. From the cave man forward, men have wanted and needed to feel appreciated. You would be amazed at how far that goes to make your man happy. Just a simple, “I appreciate all you do for our family. I know how hard you work for us and I love you for it.” Boom! How hard is that? Not at all! Will you reap the rewards of his good feelings? Without question!

I am only talking about men in this blog. Women need things from their men as well, of course. This is not meant to be one sided. And I realize it is a bit old fashioned. Can you tell I was raised in the 1950’s? But you know what? That stuff still works! Women may have changed dramatically over the years, gotten more independent, liberated, whatever, but men are men and very little has changed with them when it comes to what makes them happy at home. Trust me on this one.

A man wants his woman to see him as Superman, whether he measures up or not. A woman who makes him feel like that need never worry about being left for someone else. Why would he leave? If you make him feel like the man he has always wanted to be, you will win his heart forever. (Okay, this is true 99% of the time. I suppose there are always exceptions. But rarely..)

The third thing – sex. Yes, again everyone is different. But I don’t care the age, they all think about it and want it with the women they are with. Intimacy in some form is very important in a marriage/relationship. It is a bonding thing, a deep connecting that feeds our souls. Give it to each other and don’t ever hold back because of pride or ego. Love is love.

Two things I will leave you with. One, if you have never read Laura Schlessinger’s book, “The proper care and feeding of husbands”, read it! You will gain so much insight about men you will walk away feeling like an expert – at least an expert on your own man. It is guaranteed to give you a deep understanding of the opposite sex. I promise.

Second, I will end with part of a beautiful piece on marriage from Kahlil Gibran  from his book “The Profit”:

“….But let their be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you……And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

Now go give him a hug.   :))

 

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In November of 2004 I took a “Foundations Class” at my church. For our final exam we had to create a project. We were given complete freedom in what that would look like. I chose to write (surprise). I conducted an interview with God. Here it is.  Enjoy.

 

Sarah: God, are you there?

(Silence)

Sarah: God, hello! Are you there?

God: Of course I’m here. I’m always here, you know that. I was just playing with you.

Sarah: Oh, okay. I forgot. You do have a sense of humor.

God: Yes, it helps me get through the day. Now, what can I do for you? You don’t call on me very often. What’s up?

Sarah: Well, I have this report to do for my Foundations class.

God: I know. What do you need me for?

Sarah: Well, I thought it would be nice if I shared a conversation I had with God, you know, You.

God: You know I’m always available. What do you want to talk about?

Sarah: It’s supposed to be about me – who I am, what I’ve learned – spiritually and otherwise.

God: I see. And what have you learned?

Sarah: First and foremost, that You’re always around, inside me. I just need to be still and You will be there in the silence. Everyone on the planet has the same ability, the same option to find You.

God: What else do you want to share? What else have you learned?

Sarah: By having the ability to reach inside, anytime we want, to find You there, that means we are never alone. Do you know how many people want to die or do die, because they feel alone – or abandoned?

God: Of course I do. It makes me very sad.

Sarah: If they only knew.

God: Yes, if they only knew.

Sarah: It’s not that simple, is it?

God: No, it’s not that simple.

Sarah: And yet it is.

God: Yes, it is.  Okay, let’s move on. What else have you learned?

Sarah: That Love is all that matters. That if you come from Love, everything else will fall into place. But you must truly be centered in Love, without judgment, without fear, without ego.

God: That’s good. Go on.

Sarah: You can’t come from Love and be afraid at the same time. The two are mutually exclusive. Many people live in fear. That creates most of the problems in the world – maybe all of them.

God: How do you change that?

Sarah: We can only change ourselves, our own thinking, our own beliefs. When we change, it is easier for those around us to change. But it would take lots and lots of people changing in order to change the world.

God: One person at a time.

Sarah: It’s a giant task.

God: And it starts with one person at a time.

Sarah: Am I being too simplistic?

God: What, to say that the world will only change when people change? And people will change, one person at a time?

Sarah: Yes, is that too simple?

God: What do you think?

Sarah: I think it’s simple but the Truth.

God: There you go. Is there anything else you would like to add?

Sarah: I want people to know that they have tremendous power to fix their lives, to change for the better. That what the voices in their heads say has more meaning, more impact, than what other people tell them. So it is most important to watch what they’re telling themselves. It impacts everything they do.

God: Good advice.

Sarah: Why did it take me so long to learn these things?

God: Some people never do. You learn when you are ready to learn,when you are receptive to it. When you will retain it, believe it and pass it on. Just like you are doing now. Are we finished?

Sarah: Yes, just one more thing. I love you.

God: I know. I love you too, Sarah.

Sarah: Always be here with me, okay?

God: Count on it.

Sarah: I really enjoyed our little talk.

God: Me, too. We should do this more often. Stop being so busy.

Sarah: You’re right.

God: Of course I’m right. I’m God!

Sarah: Ha ha. Bye for now.

God: Take care, and remember your own wisdom. It applies to you too, you know.

Sarah: I will. Thanks God.

God: You’re welcome, child. Don’t forget me.

 

 

•  

I know we have talked about fear before. The last time I wrote about it was in the context of riding horses. This time it is more general but it still includes my equine friends. I am going to discuss the three most prominent situations in my life that evoke fear.

The older I get the more I am aware of activities or situations that bring up fear in me. So many things I did as a child or even 20 years ago that I feel I could no longer do today, simply because I am too afraid.  Afraid of what? Afraid of getting hurt, making a fool out of myself, looking stupid, making people angry, die, etc., to name just a few.  Most young people as well as those blessed with unwavering self esteem do not have the same issues. I am well aware of that and am green with envy.

You know I have fear when I ride my horse, not that she is a scary horse, far from it. She is one of the safest horses I could possibly ride. But I have had more than one serious fall from a horse. Twice I came off of her, once got hurt but not badly. If I allow myself to think,  “what if?” every time I ride, it would never be a pleasant experience. Fortunately, most of the time the anxiety goes away as soon as I get on her back. Strange, right? The build up to the ride is often more fear provoking than the actual ride. A healthy amount of fear while riding horses is a good thing. They can hurt you. They can kill you. Sometimes it’s personal but mostly it is just horses being horses. It’s called self-preservation.  A motorcycle is not going to randomly decide to go faster or throw you off of its back because it got scared. When you ride, there are two living creatures involved, two personalities and two moods for that particular day.

Why do I still ride? One reason is simply the challenge of overcoming my fear. The second and most important reason is that riding brings me so much joy. I love the connection we have. I love the harmony we create and how when it happens we are no longer horse and rider, but rather one living thing. As for Dressage, it is a mental discipline that engages and pleases my left-brained personality beyond measure.

Public Speaking – I am getting better at this. The last time I did it was at a public library and I actually had a great time. So much so that I am looking forward to the next one, in November. This is the least of my fear-provoking activities. I think the old drama student comes out and loves having the undivided attention of several people in front of me.  The key is to be prepared! I am always nervous until I start speaking – hmm, sound familiar?

Flying – I know I have a lot of company here. I have to say it is the only activity where I can actually use the word “hate”. I hate flying. Now here is what makes me a brave girl – I do it anyway. My husband and I have traveled quite a bit together. I have traveled alone. I will fly if it will get me somewhere I want to go. I allow myself to be miserable and a nervous wreck until we touch down and then my body goes into decompress mode. I know up front that the day of the flight I will a ball of nerves but the good part will follow – landing safely on the ground.  And that is when the fun begins.

So fear – friend or foe? Fear is your body’s way of getting your attention. It comes up unbidden. When it does, give it your attention. Then you have to analyze the situation and see if it warrants the amount of fear you are feeling. Depending on the answer, act accordingly.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.” I have also heard that FEAR stands for “False evidence appearing real”.

I like what Emerson had to say about fear. I haven’t quite gotten there yet but it definitely helps devalue the emotion when you do what you fear. As for “false evidence appearing real”, sometimes, but not always. Sometimes you should have fear.

So, is fear a friend or a foe? I would say it is really neither. Your gut is saying to you, “Hey, pay attention to what is going on here.” You say, “Thanks, I will.” And then you decide how to react to it.

The above are some of the everyday fears that can make us uncomfortable, even immobilize us, preventing us from living rich and full lives. Make your judgement call. If things are fairly safe, if it is mostly just getting out of your comfort zone for a while, then allow yourself to push through the fear. When you come out on the other side of it, you will feel stronger and more capable for having done so.  And then celebrate!   :))

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I grew up in a Christian home. My father was the choir director, my mother helped with rummage sales and other church activities, my sister and I sang in the choir. I never missed Sunday School. It was a Baptist Church across the street from our home in Foster, Rhode Island.

Years later, one of the things I took away from my Christian upbringing was that selfishness was a bad thing. Loving oneself (I deduced) was probably the worst offense. This is how a 6-9 year old girl internalized the teachings of Sunday School and took those thoughts with her as she grew older. Love other people, help other people but loving yourself is self-centered and just plain wrong.

This is not of course what the Bible or any Christian leaders that I know of teach us, but again, it was my interpretation. That being said, I did not grow up looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “I love you, Sarah. You are a beautiful child of God. He loves you and so do I. Now go out there and have a blessed day. You deserve it.” Nope. Never said that.

As an adult single woman looking for her prince, I read books relating to how to find a loving relationship.  I went to seminars on the same subject. What I kept hearing was in order to be in a meaningful relationship you have to start by loving yourself. What? It sounded nice but I wasn’t sure I was up for the task. Isn’t that narcissistic, at the very least, selfish? Not according to “the experts.”

The more I thought about it the more it made sense to me. It still did not come easily but my brain was processing it and found it logical. Here I was going out in the world, hoping to meet a wonderful man who would love me forever. Before that could happen, I had to truly love myself. Why should some stranger love me if I couldn’t? What kind of a sales person would I be, trying to market myself to a potential mate if I spoke dismissively of myself or worse yet, not toot my horn at all? How would that make someone interested in getting to know me? I wasn’t interested in getting to know me!

Think about it. Feeling unworthy of love does not attract love to you. It has the opposite effect. Not feeling good enough to make someone a wonderful wife/husband or even significant other is not a magnet for happiness.

My advice for a single person who is looking for love? Spend time with yourself. Do things you enjoy. Accomplish things, even little things. That builds self esteem. It allows you to feel pride. List on a piece of paper things about yourself that you like, or that other people have complimented you on – anything – pretty eyes, loyal friend, hard worker, determined, etc. Review the list from time to time and add to it.

Look at yourself in the mirror. See what God sees, a beautiful creation that brings Him joy every day. Acknowledge your worth as a child of God. When you achieve something you thought you couldn’t, praise yourself for it. Take the credit, even if only quietly. Face a fear, try something you have never done before, learn something new. Baby steps.

Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and move on. (Read my book, “For Dear Life”! I made a huge mistake and came out okay, learned to forgive myself and built a good life. You can too.)

When you realize how amazing you are, others will want to know you. And someone will fall in love with you, but you have to be the first. :))

 

•  

I know that in an earlier blog I said that when your body tells you it’s time to rest, you should give yourself permission to do so. However, when your mind is talking,  you can often push through it to do what you wanted or needed to do. I think you probably know the difference. If you have been sick, or did not get much sleep, or it is the day after you physically overexerted yourself, you might be smart to give yourself a break and take it easy, especially if you are over 40, like me. :))  Even if you are older, there are times when the situation calls for your action, but your body is resisting and your mind is telling you “I can’t. I’m too tired.” These are the times when you can overrule your mind and say “I can!” My husband, a former Marine, refers to it as “pushing through”. It might be pushing through the pain, or pushing through the desire to lie down and do nothing.  He does it often. It’s one of the things I admire about him. He has taught me by example how to do it myself.

The strange thing is, when you push yourself to do the thing you want or need to do, the energy seems to come out of nowhere and you do not feel the least bit tired while doing it! We recently had a wedding in our family, my eldest son. We had out of town family coming and all of the men stayed at our house overnight and most of the next day, which happened to be the wedding day. I am retired and used to a quiet house with just me, my husband and our two cats. Occasionally we have dinner guests, rarely overnight guests, but when we do, there are only two of them and they are generally older, like us. This time, we had six overnight guests ranging in age from 11 (grandson) to 41, and all but one of them was male!

Needless to say, the day of the wedding it was pretty chaotic. My son’s half brother visiting from Tennessee was gracious enough to make breakfast for everyone, which was amazing. Everyone arose at different times, of course, so some meals had to be warmed up. No big deal. Then there were the showers! Eight showers were taken at our home that day. That means eight bath towels were used and lots and lots of water. I digress.

My energy demands came on Thursday when I picked up my youngest son and his wife at the airport who flew in from Oregon. We lunched and then the rest of the gang came over that night (night before the wedding). There was dinner to plan, purchase and make as well as cleaning up after. Wednesday night, not much sleep, too excited. Thursday night got to bed late. Friday evening we packed as we were staying at a hotel near the wedding.  Wedding was really, really wonderful and fun. Lots of family and friends. Beautiful ceremony.  Next day we drove home and then Sunday night my daughter-in-law and son (youngest ones) came over with her parents, whom we love, for dinner. Another meal to plan, purchase and make. Dinner table to set. She called, “Can I bring my sister?” Of course! (Super cool lady.) One more! No problem!

Monday, all day, I had things to do but I was alone. Everyone had left. My young son and his wife flew back to Oregon in the early morning. I was sad to have them all go away but needed the quiet. I had things I had to do like clean up from Sunday night, do laundry, pay bills, etc. Where would I get the energy to do these things? Mind over matter, or rather, mind over body, something I very much believe in.

You can do it, too. Ignore the mind that says you can’t, and do what you need or want to do. Warning – if your body is talking, LISTEN TO IT! But if it is just your mind that wants you to do nothing and there is no good reason to listen to it, just push through. You will be amazed at what your body can do when your mind backs it up. It can even heal itself. But that is another blog for another time.  :))

 

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It dawns on me that most of my blogs fall into the category of “Things to ponder”. I suppose that is because there are so many things over which I ponder. Maybe that is what happens when you get older. You wonder and think about more things. You become more philosophical about your life, or life in general. Well, I do, anyway.

“Truth vs. Reality”. What do I mean by this? I think we all know what reality is. It is the facts, objective information about your world that is indisputable. It is raining. The stock market closed up today. You have cancer, said the doctor. Wait a minute, aren’t these things also the truth? How can anything be real but not true?

If it is raining outside, the reality and the truth are in alignment. Same with the stock market. But if we hear a scary diagnosis from our doctor, the reality may be in his words, but the truth of who we are is NOT the disease. We are whole, perfect and complete individualizations of God. We were not meant to be “sick”. It is not the truth of who we are. This can be a challenging if not difficult concept to grasp. Not everyone can do it. It is not how most of us were raised. Reality equaled truth and vice versa. Nothing here to debate.

No doubt you have heard stories of people with life threatening diseases who lived well beyond the time they were given by their doctors or specialists.  Many of them were cured completely, with no reasonable medical explanation. How is this possible? We call them miracles and maybe that is a good description. But I prefer to say that the truth of who they were was revealed and that truth did not include the disease.

I realize I am stepping into controversial and maybe even non-politically correct territory here. And that is okay. I do not expect everyone to agree with me on this. Let’s change the example to one that may be more acceptable. You are raised by people who tell you that you are stupid and will never amount to anything when you grow up. Tough words and certainly mean-spirited, not to mention life altering. But this was your reality. These words were said to you and you cannot erase them. They are real. But are they true? Probably not. Hopefully you proved them wrong. Or more importantly, proved to yourself that they were wrong.  In this case, what was real and what was true about you were completely different. The problem comes in when you BELIEVE what your parents, teachers, or other authority figures in your life tell you. You see it as the truth of who you are when in fact reality and truth are very far apart. The best scenario is that you grow up realizing this and ignore their words to become an accomplished and content human . Sadly, many people take the ugly words to heart and bury them deep inside where they create a life less than the life that they deserve. Psychologists’ and Psychiatrists’ offices are filled with these people.

If you were ever told that you were not smart enough, not pretty enough, not anything enough, look at those words carefully. The words are real, but are they true for you? Make the decision early on if they are not and throw those words away, shred them like your personal documents, incinerate them like the trash that they are.

I used to tell my teenage son (now a grown man) to pay attention to how he sees himself rather than how others see him. What others may say about him is not nearly as valuable as what HE says about himself.  We walk around believing certain things about ourselves. Then we act according to our beliefs. If you think you are talented, you will go forward and show the world your talent, with confidence and pride. If you are talented but others have told you the opposite, then you will probably not pursue your talents or try half-heartedly, knowing that you will probably fail.

I cannot tell you how important it is to look at the difference between what is real and what is true. It can change the quality of your life. You are a beautiful and perfect child of God. Believe it!  It is the Truth of who you are!

•  

I think it is a sign of maturity when one can gracefully accept that something has not turned out the way they wanted it to. Remember as a child when you “did not get your own way”? You were told that you can’t always have it your way.  Then you were expected to live with that idea. Things don’t change when we are adults. We still can’t have it our way all of the time, especially if we are sharing our life with someone else. Example, it’s Friday night. You want to go dancing but your spouse wants a quiet evening at home. One of you will win and one of you has to accept the fact that this time they won’t get to do what they wanted to do. I suppose there is a third option, you go dancing without your spouse  and he stays home for a quiet evening!  Is that a win-win? Maybe for some. I personally don’t think so. I would rather spend the evening with my mate, whether it was going out or staying home. But that’s just me.

I started showing my horse in dressage last year. I was in two shows. In the second show, I won two second place ribbons. That was amazing to me. It thrilled me beyond belief. Next time, I will aim for first place, I told myself. Well, that was the end of the show season so I had to wait until this year to try again.   My lofty goal for this show season was to be in four shows. Not an impossible task, all things being equal. Well, at the end of March my horse went lame, we believe from kicking the walls in her stall. We are now passed mid-May and she is still lame. We had x-rays taken and thankfully there is nothing going on in her bones. The swelling has come way down but when we tried to longe her a week ago, she was still lame. Bummer. So now we wait two weeks and try again. In the meantime we have to hand walk her for twenty minutes every day and then one day apply poultice and the next day hose her leg for ten minutes with cold water. My trainer and I have followed this routine now for almost two months.

Here is my point – I will not be able to be in four shows with her this season. I am now hoping for two, which would be fine with me at this point. Realistically it may only be one, which I will gracefully accept. One is better than none, right? Only time will tell. If after this two week period she is still lame we have to call the Vet back to do an ultrasound. I am hoping that will not be necessary.

When you grow up with siblings (much like having a spouse) you certainly do not always get your way.  (Insert tantrum here).  I remember telling my parents when I was in elementary school, “But my teacher said we have to wear a red dress tomorrow!” Well, I did not own one and my parents would not buy me a new dress to satisfy the teacher. And besides,  they were not convinced that I had heard my teacher correctly.  “Maybe your teacher said to wear a red dress if you owned one,” my father offered. “No! She said we had to wear one!” Guess what? I didn’t wear one. I survived.

You don’t always get your way. Get over it. Sometimes when things go differently,  they turn out better than what we had expected or wanted.  Hmm.  Maybe what you decided should happen was ultimately not in your best interest. What comes to mind is a relationship I was in years ago that did not work out. I beat myself up  over it for months but as it turned out, it was a good thing. Time proved that he was the wrong man for me.

The things we want as children are different from what we want as adults. But the “not getting our way” part is basically the same. Gracefully accept that it was not meant to be and move on. Better things await!

Picture below is of my family in our home in Foster, Rhode Island.  I’m the one looking at the camera. :))

 

 

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The way I see it, there are two different types of opportunity – the opportunities that we create for ourselves and the ones that drop in our lap.  If you create your own opportunity, does that mean that you should always respond to it? Can you walk away from an opportunity that you created? Wouldn’t that be foolish? I think there are probably times when we create an opportunity for ourselves and then walk away from it for various reasons. We might have been too scared to accept it. We lost faith in our ability to be successful. We just plain changed our minds. “No, thank you,” we say, “I don’t believe this is the way for me to go right now.”

What about when it falls into your lap? That one, it seems, is far easier to walk away from. We can claim we didn’t even see it there. “What opportunity? I didn’t see one.  No, that was not an opportunity. That was someone else’s plan for me and I choose not to follow it.” Interesting. Let’s see how this works in real life. How about some examples?

In 1980 my ex husband told me he wanted to take our eight year old son to Switzerland with him for a two year work contract he was going to accept. My gut reaction was “Oh no!” But the words that came out of my mouth were “Of course! What an amazing opportunity for a life experience!” That part was obvious. What was not so obvious was that it was also an opportunity for me to complete college while working full time. Something I could not possibly do if my son lived at home with me. I would keep myself very busy and get my degree while my son had the adventure of a lifetime. Sounded like a win-win.

An opportunity I created was when I decided to move my family to Portland, Oregon. I felt it was time to leave California and find a more suitable environment for all of us. (“all of us” meant me, my mother and my youngest son, who lived with me).  I did the research, went on job interviews, discussed with all parties concerned and moved there for five years. I created the opportunity for a new life adventure for all three of us – all consenting – and that is exactly what we did.

Did I ever ignore or turn down an opportunity? Of course. We all do. Sometimes the thing that lands in your lap is not the right thing for you or the timing is wrong. It’s okay to turn away from it. An opportunity in your life is not by definition something you must always follow.

If we create an opportunity and then change our mind at the last minute we might have a very good reason to do so. Original circumstances that prevailed may have changed. Now what originally sounded positive is not such a good idea after all.

What happens to missed opportunities? Where do opportunities go that are ignored or pushed away? Is there a virtual dumpsite where the thousands upon thousands of unused opportunities go to die? Do they die or disintegrate after a certain length of time?  Do they get recycled and become opportunities for other people? People who may appreciate them more, or be in a better place to accept them?

You can see what 101 degree heat does to my brain! Actually, I think of things like this all of the time, heat or no heat. It’s just my mind and its strange inner workings.

Next time an opportunity comes your way, think about it before you make a decision. Weigh it, look at it from all angles. Hold it in your lap for a while.  If you choose to follow it, it may lead you to more opportunities, bigger and better ones! Opportunities are everywhere, some are obvious, like the ones that land in your lap. Some, not so obvious, may be disguised as something else or even hiding in plain sight.  And then there are the ones we create ourselves in a moment of brilliance (or insanity) that we may later decide are not for us.

You are in charge of your opportunities.  Choose wisely!

 

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