I grew up in a Christian home. My father was the choir director, my mother helped with rummage sales and other church activities, my sister and I sang in the choir. I never missed Sunday School. It was a Baptist Church across the street from our home in Foster, Rhode Island.
Years later, one of the things I took away from my Christian upbringing was that selfishness was a bad thing. Loving oneself (I deduced) was probably the worst offense. This is how a 6-9 year old girl internalized the teachings of Sunday School and took those thoughts with her as she grew older. Love other people, help other people but loving yourself is self-centered and just plain wrong.
This is not of course what the Bible or any Christian leaders that I know of teach us, but again, it was my interpretation. That being said, I did not grow up looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “I love you, Sarah. You are a beautiful child of God. He loves you and so do I. Now go out there and have a blessed day. You deserve it.” Nope. Never said that.
As an adult single woman looking for her prince, I read books relating to how to find a loving relationship. I went to seminars on the same subject. What I kept hearing was in order to be in a meaningful relationship you have to start by loving yourself. What? It sounded nice but I wasn’t sure I was up for the task. Isn’t that narcissistic, at the very least, selfish? Not according to “the experts.”
The more I thought about it the more it made sense to me. It still did not come easily but my brain was processing it and found it logical. Here I was going out in the world, hoping to meet a wonderful man who would love me forever. Before that could happen, I had to truly love myself. Why should some stranger love me if I couldn’t? What kind of a sales person would I be, trying to market myself to a potential mate if I spoke dismissively of myself or worse yet, not toot my horn at all? How would that make someone interested in getting to know me? I wasn’t interested in getting to know me!
Think about it. Feeling unworthy of love does not attract love to you. It has the opposite effect. Not feeling good enough to make someone a wonderful wife/husband or even significant other is not a magnet for happiness.
My advice for a single person who is looking for love? Spend time with yourself. Do things you enjoy. Accomplish things, even little things. That builds self esteem. It allows you to feel pride. List on a piece of paper things about yourself that you like, or that other people have complimented you on – anything – pretty eyes, loyal friend, hard worker, determined, etc. Review the list from time to time and add to it.
Look at yourself in the mirror. See what God sees, a beautiful creation that brings Him joy every day. Acknowledge your worth as a child of God. When you achieve something you thought you couldn’t, praise yourself for it. Take the credit, even if only quietly. Face a fear, try something you have never done before, learn something new. Baby steps.
Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and move on. (Read my book, “For Dear Life”! I made a huge mistake and came out okay, learned to forgive myself and built a good life. You can too.)
When you realize how amazing you are, others will want to know you. And someone will fall in love with you, but you have to be the first. :))