Tips for living well

Two people who live in the same town experience the exact same challenges and blessings in a twelve hour day. One of them ends the day with the following sentiment, “What a lousy day! Hopefully tomorrow will be better, but I doubt it.” The other one says, “Thank you, God for another wonderful day of my life. Thank you for the lessons today and for letting me experience them. Oh! And thank you for the rain! It sounded so good to me and I loved splashing around in the puddles with my little one!”

I had some challenges this week. A situation I was hoping to avoid boldly and rudely threw me off my equilibrium. I quickly realized that the only control I had was my attitude. I changed it. I wasn’t going to let this turn of events (that I had recently begged God to prevent) ruin my day or my opportunity to be joyful. As it turned out, I had a great day by overcoming my situation with a smile. In doing so, I had no knot in my stomach, no angry headache and no crabby face. It’s amazing what a smile can do for your disposition!

And so I decided to write another blog about the power of attitude. Life is life, right? Things go wrong, computers crash (no, please!) rain ruins your outdoor plans (not so much in So. Ca.), something you were counting on doesn’t happen, etc. We can’t control the events but we can absolutely control how we respond to them. When something unexpected or unwanted happens, stop before reacting. Stop before you label the day “bad.” Remind yourself that you have a choice. You can smile and carry on, rearranging, adjusting or whatever you need to do – or, you can give in to the negative and sulk, pout, stomp your feet, treat others badly who had nothing to do with it and in general be a sourpuss.

Which choice sounds like a winner? Smiling, of course. Adapting, re-grouping, telling yourself that it’s all good (one of my favorite expressions). Life will continue to do its thing with or without your cooperation. Why not enjoy it?

You know people who say,  “I’ll be happy as soon as I get my degree”; “get accepted for the loan”; “find the right partner”; “sell the house”, etc. It doesn’t work that way. You’ll be happy when you make the choice to be. It’s as simple as that. I knew this intellectually many years ago. I started practicing it only recently.

Be happy, despite what life throws your way. If you get a devastating blow, do what you can, control what you can control and then leave the rest to God. Trust in Him to get you through. And remember, nothing is forever.

A joyful life demands courage, patience, resilience, gratitude, love and a good attitude. What kind of life do you want?  God bless. :))

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I said it but part of me thought, that’s disrespectful! You don’t demand anything of God and certainly you don’t command Him. But I knew what I meant. It was a play on words. My point – God is available to all of us, but at a price.

Many of us (old me) go to God when we’re in trouble or about to go over a cliff. That’s when we start to bargain with him, “If you get me out of this, I promise I’ll start going to church every Sunday!” “If you cure me, I’ll become a better person. I’ll give to charity!” “I’ll start tithing at my church.” “I’ll volunteer at a soup kitchen.” “I’ll stop being so selfish.” Sound familiar? I’ve been there, usually during a bumpy airplane ride. What’s wrong with that? Isn’t He our comforter, our go-to guy when we need help?

I alluded to this two blogs ago. “Who is your god?” When we only go to Him for a “favor” it’s tantamount to exploitation. Remember the relative (or friend) who only comes around when he/she needs something? Does that make you feel good? Does it improve your relationship with said relative? In all honesty, it probably makes it worse.

What’s the “right” way to have a relationship with God? Communicate with Him all the time, when you’re having a good day, when you’re having a lousy day, when you are frightened or worried about something. But mostly, tell Him when you are grateful, and that should be often. An attitude of gratitude is the right way to live.

Make Him your confidante. Tell Him your secrets, your dreams, your greatest fears, your regrets. Make Him a big part of your life, the biggest and most important part. He is always there, always ready to listen, to help you get through the best of days and the worst of days. He’s an “on demand” God and you don’t need cable to find Him. God bless. :))

 

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Last weekend I attended a women’s retreat on Shelter Island in San Diego. It was my very first. I had no idea what to expect. Friday night, we had a lecture from two amazing women who have their own ministry called “Living Well Ministry”. The subject that night was “The Comparison Trap.”

How spot on it was. I don’t care how old or young you are, if you are a woman, you compare yourself all day long to other women, which usually makes you feel bad about yourself.  They called this type of comparison a joy sucker. Yes, indeed. Not only does it hurt us, but it divides us as well.

In our communication with each other, we often fall into one or more of four basic categories. These are terms that the ladies made up but they are very descriptive and you will know exactly what they mean right away.

1. “Shamer” – One who projects guilt onto another. “Well, if you cared anything about our friendship, you would have been there for me.”

2. “Corrector” – One who always has to be right. They correct someone, often in front of others, which can be particularly hurtful. You’re trying to tell a story and someone keeps correcting the details.

3. One-upper – One who has to be the “winner” in order to prove her own worthiness, even in the negative. “You were in labor for ten hours? Well, I was in labor for twenty-four hours and the nurses were amazed at how I handled it!”

4. Judger – One who forms an opinion and judges the rightness or wrongness of others. “How could she wear that outfit and think she looks good in it?”

There are antidotes for these.

1. A “Shamer” can become an “Encourager” – “You’re doing such a great job. Don’t give up! You’ve got this!”

2. A “Corrector” can become a “Mentor” – “Let me share with you what I have learned about that.”

3. A “One-upper” becomes an “Applauder” – “Congratulations on getting engaged! I’m so happy for you!”

4. And finally, a “Judger” can become a “Realizer”, someone who understands that we are all human, flawed, and that none of us has all the answers. We do the best we can with what we have.

If you pay attention to what you say to your friends and colleagues, or to spouses and partners, you will be amazed at how these four negative types of communication come out, often unintentionally. It shocked me when I started paying attention to my own speech. I corrected my husband on the way to the retreat! I may judge the parenting style of my children. But as a grandparent, you need to zip your lip!

Pay attention. You will be surprised and perhaps a little ashamed at how you are communicating with people you care about. It’s so easy to speak without thinking. The very worst example of this is in the movie “Who’s afraid of Virginia Wolf?”. In the film, Elizabeth Taylor continually corrects, judges, shames and belittles her husband, played by Richard Burton. It is painful to watch.

Whether Christian or not, it behooves us all to watch what we say to others. None of us is perfect but  ultimately our friendships and the strength of our relationships depend on our verbal interactions.

Be the person who cheers on her friends, one who builds them up when they are finding it difficult to do so. Share information when it will benefit the other person. Encourage someone who is struggling. You’ve been there yourself. We all have. Want to be a better person? Then encourage, applaud, mentor and show humility. People will be drawn to you. They will speak well of you to others. And many will want to be like you.

Be remembered for how you treated others, not for your accomplishments. Live well. :))

 

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With very few exceptions, the times in my life when I felt the most joy were when I was helping a fellow human being.  There’s something about making a positive difference in a person’s life.

As a fairly new Christian, I have learned that helping those less fortunate is one of the most important as well as necessary things we are called to do. Jesus spent his short life doing it, in major and miraculous ways. We may not be able to heal the sick or give sight to the blind but we are capable of doing so much for others who are less fortunate than we are.

Giving is not just for the wealthy. If you have a roof over your head, food on the table and at least some money in the bank, you can do wonders. I have often heard stories of people in drive-through lines who paid for the meal of the person behind them. My husband has on more than one occasion paid for the meal of a military family at a restaurant. Anonymous giving! Double blessing. Also included in this category are the gifts we buy for needy families at Christmas time through our churches or other charitable organizations.

Try signing up to send $19 a month to Wounded Warrior Foundation, St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, Shriners Hospital or another charity of your own choosing. $19 a month! I promise, you won’t even miss it! And yet its impact will be direct and tangible.

Volunteer at a soup kitchen, animal shelter, nursing home, thrift store. There are so many ways to give of your time, talent or treasure.

Analytical by nature, I ask myself why we feel so good when we help others. My answer – it gives us purpose, makes us feel valuable and validated. When we do something for ourselves, we feel good, but when we reach out to help someone else, we are blessed. It makes us feel we are here for a reason. There is a hidden gift in giving.

Find a way to help someone in need. Be of service to others, in small ways or big ways. It will change your outlook which will change your life. The ripples of your good deeds will reach farther than you could even imagine. Be a blessing! :))

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I’m feeling down. Certain things in my life are starting to get to me. People are starting to get to me. I’m considering a change in one area of my life because it isn’t working the way I want it to and I have no control over it. My only control is to get away and make a drastic change. It is my only hope right now. Or is it?

Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation that is not to our liking but beyond our control. It makes us depressed whenever we are in it but we feel helpless to change it. I found myself in just such a place recently and then a light went on in my head. All I need to do is to change my attitude about it! Really? Is it that simple? Yes!

If it is an unavoidable situation and completely beyond your control and leaving is not in your best interest, the solution is to change your outlook. Put on a new pair of glasses and see everything differently. It can be a challenge, for sure, but not impossible. And most importantly, it turns a “bad” situation into one you can live with and continue to be happy about. Crazy, right?

The more deeply I looked into myself the more I saw a negative attitude about this particular situation. I had slipped into a hole that was dark and uninviting. I didn’t like being there. I knew I could not change the other people involved but what I could change was how I viewed them. I could decide that the little inconveniences and challenges I had been facing were surmountable, given the right frame of mind. And of course they are.

We have talked about attitude before. It is hugely important. It can make the difference between being happy and being miserable. Yes! You are in charge of that! No one else is in charge of your happiness. Just you. Others can contribute to it, but ultimately it is your attitude about life that makes all the difference.

So today I will practice my new attitude and see how it goes. I’m sure it will go well. I have been in this position before, many times. When I decide not to let the things beyond my control have power over me, my life gets better.

I challenge you to do this. Next time you find yourself feeling upset about something you can’t control, try putting on a different set of glasses and see if it doesn’t changes things. Take charge of your happiness. Don’t let other people or situations you can’t control dictate your state of mind. That’s your job.

Be happy. Life is too short to be otherwise, right? :))

p.s.  This is my 100th blog!

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I open my eyes and look at the clock on my husband’s side of the bed. It’s 9:35 am! Having slept very little last night, I was hoping that the clock would say 7:30, or 7:00 which would give me permission to go back to sleep. But that was not the case. It was now well past the time I needed to get up. “I overslept!” I say aloud to my cats who don’t even feign an interest in my circumstances. They both want me to turn on the faucet in the bathroom so that they can have their morning fresh water drink.

Saying out loud that I had overslept started me thinking. There are people who “oversleep” their lives away or at least part of their lives. They sleep through the night, get up in the morning but never really “wake up”. They go through the motions of the day like a ceremony they have memorized, reacting like robots until the day has ended and it is time to go back to bed. Do you know people like that? They sleep their days away, weeks or even years.

It’s very sad. I know. I’ve done it. Certainly not years, but days or maybe even weeks. When your life has taken a downward turn or you have recently experienced a personal tragedy, you move through your day by rote. It’s a defense mechanism designed to keep you from losing your mind, to  keep the pain from consuming you.

Sometimes your zombie like state is enhanced or sustained with drugs or alcohol, maybe both. Some people literally sleep for days. I remember a time in my life that was so miserable the idea of staying in bed and dreaming was much more inviting than facing my reality. Real life can be tough. Remember one of my grandmother’s expressions – “It’s a great life if you don’t weaken.” How true! Getting up every day and living your life in the real world can be challenging.

There are small things you can do when in such a slump. Temporary fixes. Things that can get you through the day and maybe even bring a smile to your face. Here are some suggestions: Say a prayer, read something inspirational, watch a favorite movie (my go-to is “Bridesmaids”), call a friend, take a bath, light some candles, listen to music, play with your dog or cat, help someone else in need. (The last one is the best.)

Maybe you are “sleeping” through your life because you don’t know what to do next. You’re at a crossroads. A decision needs to be made but you are afraid to make it. Been there. How did I solve it? I didn’t decide, which meant others decided for me. Not a good way to go. I remember my father telling me 90% of all decisions can be unmade. Think about that.

Sleeping through a day or two of your life isn’t the worse thing you could ever do. But if it is much more than that, it is a clear sign that something is not right. Get help if you need to. Reach out. However, if it is simply a case of “oversleeping” like I did this morning, forgive yourself and get on with your day. No one will be the wiser.  :))

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Tonight is New Year’s Eve, a time when many of us will think back over the past year and make resolutions or set goals for 2016. Most of us have had a mixed bag this year of good stuff and not so good stuff. Some have experienced tragedy, some blessed events. No matter how 2015 looked for you, you are probably hoping for a better year ahead.

Aside from what might have happened to you in 2015, some of you have had thoughts and/or beliefs that prevented you from fully expressing as a blessed human being. These beliefs may have  plagued you all your life and in some cases kept you from the things you wanted to achieve. Beliefs such as, “I’m not pretty enough,” “I’m not smart enough,” or “I’m too old to start that now.” When you regularly say or think these thoughts, your subconscious mind believes them. And then guess what? You don’t go after what you want because you sincerely believe the lies you are telling yourself.

Try writing down negative thoughts or beliefs you have about yourself. Make a separate list of goals or things you want to achieve in the coming year. Look seriously at the belief column. Are any of these really accurate? Could some of them be things that parents or other authority figures in your past have told you about yourself that you decided must be true? You will probably find that most (if not all) of these beliefs are keeping you from being happy and fulfilled.  They are not the truth of who you are.

Pick the ones on the list that are not based on fact. The things that serve no purpose in your life except to keep you from getting or going after what you want. Take that list and put it in an ashtray, a metal container or your fireplace. Burn it. As the smoke rises, imagine these old beliefs going off into space, out of your life forever. Gone. You can no longer use them as excuses for not following your dreams.  Repeat this exercise as often as necessary.

Then look at your list of goals. Imagine what it would feel like to achieve some or all of them. Sit with that feeling for a while. Does it make you happy? Keep that list in a drawer or tape it to a mirror where you can read it occasionally, without the judgement of, “But I’m too old,” or “I’m not smart enough.” And then plan out the necessary steps to make them happen. At the very least your goals will be closer to you.

Letting go of past beliefs that no longer serve you is one of the most powerful things you can do tonight. It is a wonderful way to begin a new year, with a fresh look at who you are and what you are capable of achieving. You are, after all, a child of God. And as you know, with God all things are possible.  Happy New Year!  :))

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When I was in high school, my drama coach gave me some very wise advice. He said that whenever I found myself in a place of magnificence, I should open up all of my senses and take it in. Experience it with every part of me. Nothing lasts forever. Be awake when it is there.

This might be a beautiful sunset or sunrise. It could be standing on a stage in Havana, Cuba and dancing with strangers to live music that fills your soul. It could be accepting your Bachelor’s degree at the age of 36, after attending night school for six years. Or maybe it is looking into the eyes of your first born child, or your second or your third. How about holding your grandchild for the first time? You get the idea. Wonderful, magical moments in time that you want to hold onto forever but know that you can’t. Take it all in.

See with your eyes, but also see with your heart. Be aware of the sounds around you but don’t just hear them, listen to them. Smell the air, flowers, rain, the darkness. Touch with purpose, and remember what it felt like. If taste is involved, savor all of it, the way it feels on your tongue, the bitterness or sweetness of it.

I am thinking about this now because my young son,  his wife and baby were just here for two days with us. They haven’t left to go back to Oregon yet but they are now with her parents, an hour away. I will see them tomorrow, Christmas day, at my sister’s house, but only for a few hours. They leave on Saturday for the long drive home. The time went by much too fast. And now I am left with a feeling of emptiness as I look in the bedroom that is now clear of their suitcases and the baby’s “pack and play” bed. No baby bottles on the sink to be washed. No toys on the floor.

Whenever either one of my children leaves me physically, I feel a tear in my heart. Of course it heals. Time is a wonderful healer, but it is always painful when they go away. I now feel that way about the beautiful women they married. And then there are my grandchildren. Two of them are babies – need I say more?

Next time you find yourself in a magnificent setting, or just in a wonderful place of love, open up all of your senses and take it in, with every breath. Imprint it on your heart. And when it’s gone, go back to your heart and feel it again.

May your life be filled with magnificent moments. Fill the next year with them. I plan to.

Merry Christmas!  :))

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Tomorrow many of us will be sitting down to an annual feast known as Thanksgiving. We’ve talked about the importance of being grateful for all that we have, even when we don’t have everything we want or think we deserve.  Being grateful should be a way of life. But today I want to change it up a bit and give recognition to the givers of the world. That hopefully includes all of us. We are givers of our time, our talent and our treasure. We give our love, our patience, our understanding to family, friends and even strangers. We give support to those in need, hugs just because and kisses to a special few.

In a twenty-four hour period, try calculating how much giving you do. You might be amazed. We often think that giving has to be money or gifts purchased. It covers so much more ground. It can be very small and seemingly insignificant but still have a ripple effect that goes beyond your imagination. You have probably read about how a small kind gesture can change the recipient’s day in big ways. It can turn an otherwise “grumpy” person into someone reflective and willing to “pay forward” the kindness done to them.

When my sister was a young girl, she came home from school one day in tears because a girl in her class was being mean to her. Our father told her that she probably didn’t know what was going on in that girl’s life, and perhaps she should try paying her a compliment in lieu of retaliation or inaction. The end result? My sister followed his advice and the two girls became fast friends! This approach may not always work, but when it does, miracles occur!

Another example of my father’s wisdom. As a teenage girl filled with drama and age appropriate angst, I told my father that I needed to “find myself”. (This was very popular in the sixties.) His reply, “If you want to ‘find yourself’, the best way to do that is to be of service to others.” He was right, of course. When you give to others, no matter what it is you are giving, both parties are winners. Giving has a recurring component to it. The giver also receives – bonus!

Unexpected giving is even more special. Try doing something for your partner that you normally wouldn’t do. “It’s their job,” you rationalize. Maybe so. But what if you were to do it just one time, to help lessen their load? My husband always took out the trash cans on Tuesday night for the Wednesday pickup. It’s the man’s job, right? This is not a quickly accomplished chore. We have a long driveway and two large and often very heavy trash cans. One Tuesday while he was at work, I did it for him. He was very appreciative. One less thing he had to do after driving home 1 1/2 hours in traffic.

Thank the givers in your life, and not just the obvious ones. Think of someone in the grocery line who lets you go in front of them. The driver on the freeway who lets you in when you want to merge. Your dog (or horse!) when they give you kisses. And then you wake up every morning to another day of life. Thank the biggest giver of them all, God.

Happy Thanksgiving!  :))

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How easy it is for us humans to think we can handle life on our own “I’ve got this,” we say. “No thanks, I’m okay.” “I’m good. I don’t need help.” Been there. Said that. Sometimes still do.

Why do we feel that way? If you are a man, you might have been raised to be tough, never show weakness, and whatever you do, don’t cry! Being raised in the 1950s and 1960s, I may be out of touch with how the 40 and under men were raised. That being said, I still think there is an underlying message that the male gender must be stronger than its softer counterpart.

Then what is a woman’s excuse? We want to appear strong and independent, right? Can you be strong and independent and lean on your friends once in a while? I give a resounding “Yes!” Knowing when you need help from an outside source is not only intelligent, it is the right thing to do. It demonstrates wisdom. And who better to ask for help than your friends? These are people you have chosen to be in your life. Your family may or may not be the people you go to for help. Reaching out to your friends has the multiple benefit of giving you the assistance you need and letting your friends feel valued. What is the downside? There isn’t one!

How do you feel when a friend asks you for help? Isn’t there a part of you that feels honored? I do. Every time.

The truth is that we are not meant to live lives as separate souls struggling on our own. When we truly need help, we must reach out to family and/or friends for assistance, whatever that looks like. It could be financial, emotional support, advice, or just a shoulder, maybe arms for a hug. Your friends, if they are really your friends,  will be there for you, ready and willing to provide the help you need, even if that means just listening.

There is a friend you have that you may only think of as a last resort. But He is always available, always by your side, in the good times and bad. Try reaching out to Him, God.

Don’t try to tackle the heavy stuff of life on your own. It does not diminish your inner strength or great ability. If anything, it makes you stronger. The power you have was given to you. Use it to take care of yourself. And if that means occasionally reaching out to others for help, then do it. No man is an island, right?

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