Tips for living well

How do you react when you learn that your relatives are coming to stay with you for a few days or longer? Panic? Joy? Anxiety? For me, all of the above. My husband recently reconnected with his brother after 25+ years. It was a wonderful reunion. We went to their home in Chicago at the beginning of last month. It was my first time meeting him and his wife. Of course we invited them out to California to visit us. We all decided that would be a grand idea and should happen sooner than later. Then we flew back home. A few weeks went by and we learned that they would be coming to visit at the end of September. They are arriving here this afternoon.

Now this is not bad news. They are lovely people. The issue is that we (especially me) don’t really know them. I contacted their daughter on Facebook to get some insight into what they like to eat and drink. Other than that, I am in the dark.

I went shopping yesterday to purchase what I knew they liked. Then I reached a dead end. Should I buy bacon for breakfast? What if they don’t like bacon? I bought some shrimp scampi to make only to remember on the way home that just one of them eats seafood! You get the idea. I’m lost here.

I keep telling myself and I really believe that this will be delightful visit, ending up with the four of us  bonding and making lasting memories. However, part of me remains anxious. How do we entertain them? Will there be awkward moments? Will they be comfortable in our home? That’s my responsibility as the hostess. I can’t wait until it’s over and it’s just me, my husband and two cats, living in less than perfectly clean or uncluttered surroundings.  What is their tolerance level for dust?

I’m running around today, going from room to room, picking up the clutter, trying to reach perfection in my non-perfect house. IMPOSSIBLE!

I should just relax and let them see that we don’t live in a museum. Things get messy as do our lives. These are good people. I’m sure their expectations, if any, are just that they will be warmly welcomed and have a grand time. Which of course they will.

So the next time you have visitors, put your energy into making them feel welcomed and appreciated. Forget the six dust bunnies under the couch. Focus on what’s important and don’t sweat the small stuff. Embrace the clutter! Well, maybe just don’t stress over it. :))

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God grant me patience and I want it now!

Patience is …

An agreement with yourself to wait peacefully. A lack of struggle or resistance while waiting. Trusting that something will arrive in your life at the right time. Refusal to worry and letting life unfold as it should.

These are my thoughts on patience. I’m sure you could add your own. There are simple times when we are called to be patient like waiting in line or being stuck in traffic. Then there are the more challenging times such as waiting for the results of a medical test or waiting to learn if a loved one is safe after hearing of a natural disaster where they live.

Waiting and patience seem to go hand in hand, don’t they? Waiting requires patience. If one is not patient while waiting, it creates a stressful situation allowing worry to creep in. How does one learn patience? I believe the older you are, the easier it becomes.

Patience is the opposite of instant gratification. Generally speaking, as you age, being able to wait patiently for things becomes less of an issue. Maturity? Wisdom? Understanding and accepting your lack of control in the situation? Yes, I think so. All of the above.

When I am stuck in traffic or in a long line at the post office, I’m not a fan but I don’t get upset about it. There’s nothing you can do! Letting that ruin an otherwise perfectly good day is foolish and wasteful. I often use the down time to think through something, solve a problem or come up with a plan. Time well spent without stewing.

In the more serious times of waiting, of course there is stress. This is where faith and trust come in. You must trust that no matter what happens you will be able to handle it. You have faith that everything is working for your good. Easier said than done.

They call patience a virtue for a reason. It must be developed, beginning with the small stuff and then gradually applied during the more challenging times.  It takes practice.

Some good quotes on patience:

“Great things come out of patience.”

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.”

“God has perfect timing; never early and never late and it takes a little patience and a lot of faith.”

“Two things define you: your patience when you have nothing and your attitude when you have everything.”

Learn to be patient in all things. It will serve you well. God bless. :))

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Luke 6:37 – Judge not and you will not be judged; condemn not and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven.

Matthew 6:12 – And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

When I was growing up, I remember my father telling me that one of the greatest gifts you can give someone is forgiveness. I interpreted it then with its most narrow meaning. If my friend hurts me in any way, I should forgive her. But the definition, at least in the bible, is much broader.

You have heard stories of a mother or father who forgave the person who murdered their child. Our reaction upon hearing this is shock, followed by skepticism. Really? Did they really forgive him? Why?

Forgiveness does two things – it blesses the receiver but it also blesses the giver. Non-forgiveness takes up space in your soul. It festers. It grows.  It can literally make you sick. I know this to be true. I have been on the receiving end of non-forgiveness and the person who refused to forgive me was bitter and unhappy for the rest of his life. (Not just due to his non-forgiveness of me but of others as well.)

Back to the family who forgave their child’s murderer.  Did that mean that what he did was excusable? Of course not. They forgave him not for his peace of mind but for their own. It kept them from becoming bitter and full of anger for the rest of their lives. I’m not sure people understand how that works. Many want revenge. The bible teaches us that revenge is God’s territory, not ours. That can be tough when you believe you have been seriously wronged. Your righteous anger makes you want to lash out and cause pain to the person who hurt you. And if you do, does it help? Does it make you feel better?  (Some would say “Yes!”) But ultimately you will feel lousy about what happened. It doesn’t give you the peace you expected to have.

How about “I forgive you so that I can move on without having to carry this burden any longer? So I can put it behind me and be happy again. I wish you well. Here is where our paths diverge. God bless and goodby.”  (Well, maybe you can’t bring yourself to say “God bless”, but wishing them well is a good start.)

I am human. There have been times in my life when the act of revenge was tempting. I ended up doing nothing. I figured that karma would take care of them. (Now I see that karma is really God in action.)

You reap what you sow. If you go around hurting others it will eventually catch up to you. Spread love and joy instead. The rewards are greater and certainly sweeter.

Forgive those who hurt you, especially if they are sincerely asking for your forgiveness. That does not mean that you approve of what they did but that you are releasing them from their debt.

Matthew 18:21-22 – Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.”

Big shoes to fill, but start small and work your way up.  You will live a better life, richer and filled with love.

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See this picture? This was taken outside of an I Hop restaurant in Nashua, New Hampshire the morning of August 19, 2016. It’s everybody. My son Kirin and his wife Jennifer as well as their baby, Ettson. Me, of course, and Kirin’s three sons, Logan, Wesley and Noah from a previous marriage. It has been four years since Kirin has seen them and five years for me. Not one of us thought this day would ever come. And yet, it did. We were there for four days, spending quality time with the boys every day.

It was a challenging trip for all of us as we didn’t know what to expect. There was anxiety, some frustration and minor awkwardness which was negligible by the third day. We had to be patient, forgiving and positive in attitude. And we were. The rewards were quick, obvious and appreciated.

Is there a lesson here? Yes, especially for us. Was it a perfect scenario? No. Was it wonderful, joyful and beyond our expectations? A resounding “Yes!” People on “the other side” were gracious and kind, accommodating and flexible. For this we were all extremely grateful.

You cannot control others. They will be who they are and do what they want. When the stakes are high, as they were in this instance, you can only control your attitude and behavior. Return kindness with kindness. Appreciate the circumstances you have been given, even when they are less than ideal.

The future? Unknown. Hopes, dreams, wishes, we all share when it comes to these three boys. My son and his wife will continue to nurture their rekindled and precious relationship with these children. My prayers for them go without saying. Time holds the answers.

My advice to someone in a similar situation – don’t give up until you have done all you that you can. Remember that the only constant in life is change. If you don’t like today, wait until tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, or the day after that.  Believe in miracles. Never give up hope. God bless.

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No, I’m not talking about the hit song from the 70s by Peaches and Herb. I’m talking about a family of seven, whose eldest was estranged from his other siblings for almost forty years.

My husband is one of five and smack dab in the middle. Years ago his three sisters and he broke all ties with their older brother. Details are only partially known to me. The point is, the older brother did not communicate with his siblings for a long, long time. Until…

Being pulled into Christianity by me, my husband Bill decided it was time to patch things up between him and his brother. At the same time, he decided it would be nice to get everyone together for a reunion dinner. Very unsure of what the reaction would be, he asked me to reach out to his brother’s daughter with whom I was friends on Facebook. She tested the waters for us. She and I coordinated the first phone call. It must have been a stellar moment when they heard each other’s voices after decades had passed. It was a big deal.

“We’ll make arrangements to come see you soon and maybe get everyone else to join us,” my husband told him. “That would be wonderful,” was his brother’s reply. Bill said goodbye and immediately contacted his sisters. With one exception, they were all willing to take part. The one sister who does not live in Chicago could not get away from work. But she said we could facetime her at the dinner table, allowing her to interact with everyone.

A couple of weeks later Bill went online to book our tickets to Chicago. And then we waited. The second day we were there we went over to his house on our own, for the first meeting. It was pretty emotional, although being men, it wouldn’t have been obvious to an outsider. Two nights later we all arranged to meet at a restaurant at 7:30.

The evening went very well, all things considered. Below are some pictures from the first meeting and then the dinner. My husband is the taller one on the left. Some phone numbers were exchanged and promises to get together at a future date. They said they would come out to California soon to visit us in our home.

The next day we left Chicago feeling like we had truly accomplished something important, something life-changing for all of us. Now, what we all do with that remains to be seen. We took the first step as did everyone involved.

Reunited after all these years. “Reunited and it feels so good. Reunited ’cause we understood.”

Life is short. Don’t let petty differences keep you from fulfilling and mutually beneficial relationships. Relationships that could make your life richer than it already is. God bless.

 

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“You can’t do this. It’s too scary. Remember what happened the last time? It was devastating! Do you want to go through that again?”

Thoughts going through my head when I signed up for my first horse show of the season which is this weekend. All the old tapes started playing in my head, ultimately making me dread the event rather than looking forward to it.

One day as the tapes finished playing in my head again, it dawned on me. These tapes are old based on the rider I was almost a year ago. I am more skilled and confident now. I know everything I need to do given almost any situation that my horse might bring to me. I’ve got this!

Do you have old tapes that re-play in your head on occasion? They throw you off balance and ruin what should be a happy occasion. I believe we all do and we need to recognize them for what they are – SABOTAGE! They sabotage your happiness, your confidence, your joy. After recognizing them you must put them in a trunk, lock them up and throw away the key!

Where do they come from? Christians might call it “the enemy”. Others may believe self-doubt is the culprit. You’re being too hard on yourself. You don’t believe you deserve the happiness you so desperately long for.

But how do you know they’re old tapes that are no longer worth listening to? First of all, how does it  make you feel? You know on a deeper level that what they are telling you is not true. You know that if you take them to heart you will not attempt something you want to try; you will remain in your comfort zone, refusing to take even the smallest of risks. You have seen movies like this where the guy wants the girl but listens to his self-talk which ultimately convinces him he’s not good enough for her. It breaks your heart to watch it.

When my youngest son was a teenager, I remember giving him this advice – Don’t listen to what others say about you. Listen to what you say about you. That is worth something.

It changes everything. If you listen to old tapes or negative self-talk, it can potentially keep you from achieving your greatest accomplishments, experiencing your deepest joy or having your proudest moment. Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it?  But oh so true.

If I choose to believe that I will once again succumb to the fear and therefore give a lousy performance, then I will never show again. And yet some of my happiest and proudest moments are associated with riding my horse.

With only two days left before the show, when the old tapes start to play, I must tell my brain to hit “delete!” Those old tapes and the “wisdom” they pretend to offer up are no longer valuable or applicable to me. I have grown. I am more skilled. I can totally meet the challenge. The only thing that will ruin it is believing the old tapes.

If you’re older, you probably remember music tapes and how sometimes you would remove it from the tape player and part of the tape would be sticking out. Then you would put your finger in the hole and turn it to re-wind and take up the slack. Sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn’t. I think I will envision pulling all of it out until it is a big jumbled mess, never to be successfully played again! Sounds like a good solution to me. What do you think?   :))

 

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I’ll bet you could fill in the blanks for that expression. Me, too. I got really good news the other day, beyond good. Then I woke up the next morning stressing over it! What’s up with that? I put my brain chatter on hold long enough to figure out what was upsetting me. Why did the day after good news not feel so good? And then it hit me. I was stressing over the details. Guess what?  The details involved other people. That meant I was stressing over things I could not control!

This very lack of control was at the core of my frazzled nerves.  I thought of the appropriate pattern – worry – stress – fear – lack of control. You worry about something which then stresses you out and causes you to fear the worst scenario and it is all due to something over which you have little or no control.

I had promised myself I would give up the need to control this particular issue. Well, maybe just one text,  in case they haven’t thought of this one thing. God must have been wagging his finger at me. Not only did I not get an answer to my text, I didn’t get the promised phone call either, the one where we would discuss the details and make final plans. This is ridiculous, I decided. I’m letting go right now!     Right now!   No, really, NOW!!!

Something else came up during the day that I was stressing over. I’ll just send a quick text. Guess what? No response! I really need to get a grip. I’m too old to worry about these things. I don’t want to worry about them. I’m done!

Think of the things in your life that stress you out. Are they things you have 100% control over? I doubt it. What is stressful about something you can change, fix, decide on or choose? Nothing!

I have control over what I wear, what I eat, most of my daily tasks, who I do things with, what I do, but especially my attitude. How I deal with life when life gets in my face, which is pretty much every day.

Anything that involves at least one other person by definition takes away some of our control. This frustrates us, makes us unhappy, crabby, defiant, insecure, tired, frightened, useless, impotent. Wow! It doesn’t sound like a good thing, does it? But you have no choice in the matter when another person or persons enter the picture. (Side bar – horseback riding, in my case dressage, brings the same issues. When you enter the arena at a show, you have about 50% control over what happens in there. The other 50% belongs to your horse, who may be in good spirits and feel cooperative or grumpy and contrary. A skilled rider can deal with just about anything the horse gives her.)

What’s the solution? Simple, give up the need to control everything, control yourself. Control what you can and release the rest to the others involved. Trust me,  you will make yourself crazy if you don’t do this. I know whereof I speak.

I am not re-texting either one of these people. I will wait for their answers and I will not die doing it. If you are a Christian, you know that you hold no control anyway, even if you think you do. It’s wise just to let it go.

The plus side of giving up the need for control? Less stress, less worry, less fear. Sounds good to me. Now let’s see if if I can do it!  :))

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Reflections from a woman with more years behind her than ahead of her. Enjoy.

• I want to sleep more and eat less.
• I want to stay home instead of going out dancing, even on a Saturday night!
• I feel more compassion for animals, rather than people.
• I get over things quicker.
• Friendships are more important to me. I nurture and cherish them.
• Connecting with my husband is more important than physical intimacy, although not by much.
• Spending more time thinking about and talking to God is a priority now.
• Family is priceless.
• The small stuff and even the big stuff can be dealt with and then put in the rear view mirror. The more days that pass the more it fades into the background.
• Days, weeks, months and even years go by much too quickly now.
• Lessons from my youth revisit me frequently. Many still apply.
• New lessons continue and are, as they should be, welcomed.
• Adventures are more thrilling and desirable.
• “New”, followed by “places”, “friends”, “experiences”, are exciting and greatly appreciated.
• More money would be nice but I don’t focus on it, nor do I need it in order to be fulfilled.
• More reading and less television.
• Quiet alone time is a must for my equilibrium.
• I listen to and respect my body more.
• It’s okay sometimes to do nothing, to think nothing, to feel nothing.
• Giving is a thousand times better than getting. Gracious receiving generates self worth.
• As a wife/partner, knowing when not to speak is invaluable.
• Compromise and sacrifice are not dirty words.
• As a woman, you have more power than you think you do.
• The treasures in my life cannot be purchased, nor can they be stolen.
• Hate and anger are two visitors who rarely show up on my doorstep anymore, but when they do, I ask them to leave.
• Morning prayer is necessary for me to begin my day in the right frame of mind.
• Gratitude is a way of life.
• Sharing yourself with others, even it means they will see your flaws, is not only okay but a blessing.
• Humility is not a weakness.
• Love is just as important as everyone says it is, maybe more.
• Saying “no” is not only permissible, but often necessary for one’s sanity.
• Sometimes when you “give in” you end up with more than you would have had you stood your ground.
• A glass of champagne is more than enough to soften the edges.
• In the grand scheme of things, nothing is worth losing your perspective over.
• And, most importantly, with God all things are possible!

God bless. :))

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How many of you have mastered something that you love to do? Did you decide one day that you wanted to do it and then excelled at it on the first try? The second or third try? I doubt it. You know where I am going with this. To achieve  excellence at something you have to work at it, practice, put in the time. Oh, that’s so tedious! you say. It’s hard. I don’t have time for all the practice.

I said a few of these words the other day to my trainer. I was desperately looking for a proper excuse (one that she would accept) as to why I don’t ride more often. I’m stuck in this one area of my riding ability and I can’t get past it. To let her know that it mattered to me, I said, “What do I need to do to fix this?” I expected an exercise, something I could do during a lesson or even practice at home. That would have been very convenient and wouldn’t disrupt my busy days. I wasn’t looking for nor did I particularly want the answer I got. “You need to ride more. You need to practice when you are not having a lesson. If you want to get better at something, you need to put in the time!” My heart sank. “Crap,” I said inaudibly. I knew she was right. I walked right into that one. I have heard it a million times when someone else was the subject of the advice, not me!

The other thing is that I am not 35 anymore. I’m older now. I don’t have the energy I used to have. When I go to the barn for a lesson, I come home pretty much exhausted. On days that I have three or more errands to run, I am completely wiped out.

Do you feel sorry for me yet? You shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. My trainer was 100% correct. She is the best, after all. I’ve been with her for 5+ years. I can take her advice to the bank, every time.

And so I got up extra early yesterday morning so that I could get to the barn for an early ride,  leave  there by 11:15 to drive to Orange County for a 12:15 appointment and then grocery shop followed by driving home to get ready for a dinner with friends in San Marcos. Ugh! (Did I mention that I hate to get up early?)

Put the time in. If there is anything you want to get better at, improve on, excel at, you have no choice. The bonus is elevated self-esteem and self-confidence which grow exponentially the more you practice.

With very few exceptions, no one can achieve perfection at something without putting in the time. Check back with me in a few months. I’ll let you know how it’s going! :))

 

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In Sunday school they taught us that we were all little lamps that God had created to light up the world. At six and seven I couldn’t imagine what they were talking about. The concept that a lamp was inside of me and that God had put it there to shine was beyond my reasoning ability.

Years later I heard it again. Let your light shine! By then I had an idea of what it meant but was at a loss to do any shining, of any significance, that is. Was it merely a matter of smiling at everyone, even strangers? If it was, I had a problem with that. I wasn’t about to smile at strange men. They might think that I was flirting with  them! No. That was not going to happen.

I have known and understood the concept now for a long time. I don’t think I have ever done it, unless it happened without my knowledge. Maybe a blip in time, perhaps when my inner joy was bursting out of me and shone on the outside so brightly that it would light up the room. I have certainly had such moments, but is that what God is referring to? What if the joy was due to my passion for Him?

Matthew 5:14-16    You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Oh -so that’s what He meant! It’s not that you are aglow due to inner joy. It’s that you are following God and being charitable to others. This brings attention to the good works and shines a light on them for others to see. It not only brings glory to God but encourages others to do the same, His ultimate goal.

You can’t walk around with a sign that says “I’m a Christian” and then behave badly. This tells others that you are a hypocrite. Unfortunately, there are many people who avoid Christianity because their experience with so-called “Christians” is one of hypocrisy and deception. Those people are Christians in name only.

When you become a Christian, it is incumbent upon you to act like one. Follow God, live in obedience to Him, show non-believers what it means to walk the talk.

The world is filled with dark spots – poverty, pain, neglect, evil. Be a light that shines in the darkness. Do you think that you are such an insignificant being, you couldn’t possibly make a difference?  The truth is you absolutely can. A small act of kindness ripples out, just like skipping pebbles across the water. The positive results don’t stop at the recipient.

Step out of your house every day with the intention of being a light for someone else, someone who needs it. Light up the dark. God will surely smile on you. :))

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