Last weekend I attended a women’s retreat on Shelter Island in San Diego. It was my very first. I had no idea what to expect. Friday night, we had a lecture from two amazing women who have their own ministry called “Living Well Ministry”. The subject that night was “The Comparison Trap.”
How spot on it was. I don’t care how old or young you are, if you are a woman, you compare yourself all day long to other women, which usually makes you feel bad about yourself. They called this type of comparison a joy sucker. Yes, indeed. Not only does it hurt us, but it divides us as well.
In our communication with each other, we often fall into one or more of four basic categories. These are terms that the ladies made up but they are very descriptive and you will know exactly what they mean right away.
1. “Shamer” – One who projects guilt onto another. “Well, if you cared anything about our friendship, you would have been there for me.”
2. “Corrector” – One who always has to be right. They correct someone, often in front of others, which can be particularly hurtful. You’re trying to tell a story and someone keeps correcting the details.
3. One-upper – One who has to be the “winner” in order to prove her own worthiness, even in the negative. “You were in labor for ten hours? Well, I was in labor for twenty-four hours and the nurses were amazed at how I handled it!”
4. Judger – One who forms an opinion and judges the rightness or wrongness of others. “How could she wear that outfit and think she looks good in it?”
There are antidotes for these.
1. A “Shamer” can become an “Encourager” – “You’re doing such a great job. Don’t give up! You’ve got this!”
2. A “Corrector” can become a “Mentor” – “Let me share with you what I have learned about that.”
3. A “One-upper” becomes an “Applauder” – “Congratulations on getting engaged! I’m so happy for you!”
4. And finally, a “Judger” can become a “Realizer”, someone who understands that we are all human, flawed, and that none of us has all the answers. We do the best we can with what we have.
If you pay attention to what you say to your friends and colleagues, or to spouses and partners, you will be amazed at how these four negative types of communication come out, often unintentionally. It shocked me when I started paying attention to my own speech. I corrected my husband on the way to the retreat! I may judge the parenting style of my children. But as a grandparent, you need to zip your lip!
Pay attention. You will be surprised and perhaps a little ashamed at how you are communicating with people you care about. It’s so easy to speak without thinking. The very worst example of this is in the movie “Who’s afraid of Virginia Wolf?”. In the film, Elizabeth Taylor continually corrects, judges, shames and belittles her husband, played by Richard Burton. It is painful to watch.
Whether Christian or not, it behooves us all to watch what we say to others. None of us is perfect but ultimately our friendships and the strength of our relationships depend on our verbal interactions.
Be the person who cheers on her friends, one who builds them up when they are finding it difficult to do so. Share information when it will benefit the other person. Encourage someone who is struggling. You’ve been there yourself. We all have. Want to be a better person? Then encourage, applaud, mentor and show humility. People will be drawn to you. They will speak well of you to others. And many will want to be like you.
Be remembered for how you treated others, not for your accomplishments. Live well. :))