What will it be – worry or surrender?

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Worry comes about when we feel out of control. That’s scary. Predicting our future is not possible. Who is in charge if we aren’t?

Surrender, on the other hand, is letting go of your need to control. Some things are just unknowable like when will things get back to “normal”? or Will I get the virus? or Will my loved ones get it? It frustrates us because we cannot predict. We can only give our best guess, estimation, our hope. The answers evade us. They are out there somewhere in the future, hidden from our current experience. But can’t that be said for the future in general? We don’t ever know what the future holds, not really. We can plan for it. We can hope and pray. We can move forward with confidence knowing we have prepared well. Then it hits us,  nothing in the future is guaranteed. We do our best yet when the time comes we get what we get.

But surrender? That sounds so defeatist, so final, so submissive. I’m not a fatalist you say, why should I surrender? I want to fight! I want to take charge of my future! You can, up to a point, but the final outcome may look different from what you imagined. The actual future may not be what you planned.

We must be flexible with our dreams, our plans, our goals. Having them is a good thing but so is being able to shift when necessary. Maybe you even have to take a different path because of a road block. Some road blocks can be opened up; others are permanent. Be okay with that. Be ready for that. Challenging, but not impossible.  Haven’t you ever planned for something big only to have it not show up and then months later been so grateful that it never materialized because what did show up was so much better?

In light of our current world situation, my advice to you is not to worry about what might happen. Surrender your worries to God, the one who is ultimately in charge. May God’s will be done. Not our will. The good news is that sometimes our wills line up and then we get what we want! Woo-hoo!

Surrender your will to the one who knows all. Make a conscious effort not to worry. His plan is far greater than anything you could imagine.

Worry produces nothing good. Surrender will give you freedom to do what’s best for you in the present moment, knowing that God has your back. Try it. Have faith and believe. God bless.

Isolation

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

It dawned on me yesterday why I was feeling particularly depressed about the current state of affairs. I feel and am isolated. I stood out front yesterday, several feet from my daughter-in-law who was sitting in her car, while we talked for an hour, catching up on things. She had stopped by to pick up a birthday present I had purchased for my grandson who recently turned 5. I know there are many mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships that are less than perfect. Some are downright awful. They are devoid of emotion at best or toxic at the worst end. Not the case with me and this particular daughter-in-law (or with my other one in California either. Just saying..).  I love her every bit as much as I do my son. Sometimes it feels like I show her the favoritism that my son deserves just because I actually bore and raised him. Nevertheless, she is a very special lady, not to mention a wonderful wife and mother to two of my precious grandchildren. You get the point. Being in her presence and not being able to hold her in my arms and kiss her cheeks  feels like hell to me. The inability to demonstrate even more love through hugging her pains me in a way that can only be described as misery through isolation.

I am a hugger. Not of everyone I meet, but when I feel the need to connect in a more intimate way with someone, I will hug them.  Did you know that when you embrace someone, oxytocin (known as the “cuddle hormone”) is released which makes one feel warm and cozy. No wonder I am feeling sad!  I thank God that I can at least hug my husband (which I am doing more often these days) and my cats. I said to my daughter-in-law yesterday, I can’t imagine what it would feel like if I lived alone and had no pets to cuddle. That would be more difficult to bear.  My brother-in-law is in the hospital in Chicago and has been for weeks. No, not the Corona Virus (he has been tested twice) but he is very seriously ill. His wife of almost fifty years cannot visit him. She is home alone with the dogs and can only speak to him over the phone a few minutes a day. That sounds a little uplifting but he is semi-conscious right now so she gets no feedback. I don’t know which is worse, talking to him and getting no response or not talking to him at all. I guess he probably hears her words of love and that is good for both of them. Another example of isolation.

Humans were not meant for isolation. From Medical News Today  – “Physical touch increases levels of dopamine and serotonin, two neurotransmitters that help regulate your mood as well as help your body relieve stress and anxiety.”  It is an important part of human connection. Right now, in this world of fear and separation, we long for human or even animal contact.

I pray daily that the state of our world becomes more normalized soon and that we are allowed out of our houses and are free to connect in more meaningful ways with our fellow humans. I pray that those who cannot work right now find financial relief to keep them afloat and that they soon get their old jobs back. I pray that every day, fewer and fewer people get sick or worse, die from this disease. I pray that the healthcare workers stay healthy and strong and find the beyond human strength and endurance to carry on. I pray for wisdom for our leaders and leaders throughout the world so they can make decisions for all of us that are based on humanitarian and practical motives rather than political gain.

I pray for you and your family, to stay healthy and safe during these crazy, fearful, unnerving times. May you find comfort in doing small, meaningful things and in helping others less fortunate.  Finally, may you find peace in prayer and the love that you experience as a result of it. God bless.

Change your mind

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Coronavirus. I’ve said it all. You are not only familiar with the disease but with all of its ramifications as well, school closings, gym closings, restaurant closings, event cancellations. You might even be one of those who is more deeply impacted because you cannot go to work or worse yet, you have the virus. Hopefully you will recover. We should all “recover” from both the real dangers and the imagined ones. Bottom line, life is challenging, crazy making and overwhelming right now. What to do?

Aside from the positive suggestions I have heard lately, like doing more things with your family at home, eating together, playing board games, TALKING WITH EACH OTHER – I would like to share with you what I am trying to do, daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute. I practice changing my mind. I, like most of you, find myself caught up in the panic, the fear and stress over things that MIGHT happen as a result of this terrible outbreak. Will we lose all of our retirement funds due to a stock market gone wild? Will either I or my husband (older folks with some underlying health issues) get this disease and not recover? Will the U.S. become a third world country? Will life NEVER be the same? To avoid going down any of these very dark roads, I rise above it all. I look at the constants. I count my blessings.  I focus on God and his promises for the next life. I feel his presence and as a result the fears over what might happen evaporate before my eyes. What you focus on is the direction you will go.

Do I watch the news? Yes, but in limited amounts.  Then I get lost in a wonderful movie or series that holds my interest. I read the Bible and listen to God tell me not to fear. I read a good book. I exercise! At home, of course. My gym is closed. I change my mind about how awful things are and see how good God is. I know I am not alone in any of this chaos. He is with me during all of it, comforting me with his words, holding me in his arms like my earthly father did when I was a small child. Or how my mother would comfort me when I was frightened or sad. “There, there,” she would say. “Mommy knows. It’s alright. I’m here.” When we are grown and our parents are no longer around, it’s nice to know our heavenly father is there to give us the peace and comfort we got as children.

Re-focus your thoughts. Do what you need to do to stay safe and healthy. Use common sense and make the adjustments, albeit inconvenient and annoying, but smart. Do the necessary and then change your mind. See the wonders of nature, think of things or if you can, do things that bring you joy, like holding your child, your dog, your cat, your horse! In the bible Jesus tell us 365 times to “Fear not.” There was a reason for that.

Distract yourself with things that make you happy. Turn off the news. Thank God for what you have. Change your mind! God bless.

I surrender

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

The future. What will happen? Today, tomorrow, this weekend, next week, next year? Tonight? How do we cope with the unknowns of life? Or rather, how do control freaks like me deal with it? We try not to think about it. But that doesn’t always work. All it takes is, well, thinking about it.

As intelligent beings we try to control the future. We make plans. We get ready for possible outcomes. We fill our homes with enough food and water to last three months. I heard once that when we make plans, God laughs.   Not always, I don’t think, but certainly sometimes. We think we can control the future. Spoiler alert – we can’t.  And that makes people who get that very nervous. What to do? In a word, surrender. Control the things you can control, like preparing for disaster, being flexible for various outcomes,  being mentally prepared for when things don’t go well. Then relax and let go.

I like the word surrender because it connotes freedom to me. Freedom from worry, anxiety, stress. Freedom to enjoy the present while you surrender to the future, whatever the future will bring. Does that solve everything? No, of course not. There are some things we are never prepared to face. You can’t prepare. Then you have to go into coping mode,  doing what you can to get through it. You take comfort in friends, family and God. You pray, not only for things to get better but to have the strength to get through it. And then surrender.

Nothing is certain. Nothing lasts forever. There are no guarantees.  I was thinking about this the other day and decided that the only way to get through this unpredictable life is to surrender to it. For believers, that means surrendering to God’s plan, knowing that he makes all things work for the good of those who love and follow him.  Time to trust.

Even with all of that going for us, it does not make it any easier to deal with things that hit us in the face when we least expect it.  The only thing I can suggest when that happens is to go deep. Inside of  you are all the tools you need to get through anything, yes, anything.  Stay close to God and know you are not alone.

This sounds a bit depressing, doesn’t it? Let’s go back to the beginning, before anything happened to us. Surrender your need to control the future because you can’t control the future. Prepare mentally for possibilities. Prepare physically, emotionally for different outcomes. Then live your life knowing that something greater than you is at work in your life and has your best interests at hand. Our job is to live a good life, love and share with others and leave a positive mark on as many hearts as we can. Break off the shackles pinning you down and fly!  God says, “Go love on people! I’ve got you! Be free!” We were not meant to spend our days in worry about what might or might not happen.  Now go live your life! God bless.

 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

Talk to him!

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

 

A woman in the prayer room at church recently told me that she would like a more personal relationship with God.  I asked her if she prayed. She answered not very often. I then suggested that she start talking to him.  She thought about it for a minute and then agreed. Prayer does not have to be formal, I assured her. It does not have to be of a certain length or style. You do not need to use big words when you talk to him. I asked her if her father was still living and if she talked to him. She replied yes and that she does. I then told her to talk to God like she talks to her father, casually but with love and respect.

I ended our conversation by telling her that more than reading the bible, more than memorizing scripture or even more than going to church, what God wants most from us is a relationship. He wants us to talk to him! He wants to know everything we are thinking about, worried about, happy about. What our dreams are, what are fears are. And of course, that we love him. He wants us to be thankful for all that we have. This is the most important thing to him.

Do you have any friends you don’t talk to? Do you have a best friend that you avoid talking to? Of course not! We communicate regularly with our friends so that we can keep the relationship alive. And because they are our friends, we find time to talk with them. It’s a priority. This is no different than talking to God. Now here’s the thing – some people talk to him only when they want something. Do you know people like that? You see their number come up on your cell phone and you think, “Oh no. Not that one again!” We don’t want to be that one when we seek God. We don’t want him to think “Oh, they are reaching out to me only because they want something.” We don’t want to be that person.

Some of you are thinking, Yeah, but my friends talk back to me… God doesn’t.  It is definitely different than talking with a person. I’ll give you that.  But what if a loved one could not talk back to you? What if they could only hear but not respond? Would you stop talking to them?  This is where faith comes in. Know that he hears everything you say. He knows your heart.  And he often responds with answered prayer or by giving you a feeling of peace. It may be a line in a song you hear that jumps out at you. Or a bumper sticker (Yes, I have heard from him this way!). Or in something someone says to you. Or something that randomly pops into your head. You just have to listen well.

Prayer or talking to God does not have to done at a certain time every day, but it can, depending on your schedule. This particular woman goes to school. I asked her if she drove there and she said yes. “Then turn off your radio and talk to God!” She agreed she could do that.  I pray every morning before going down to breakfast. But during the day I thank him for things or I say a prayer for someone in need. Or I just say “Hi God! It’s Sarah! I love you!”

There is prayer, a petition, an earnest request, a plea for a particular result. And then there is conversation, chatting about your day, sharing your thoughts.  Then of course there is simply saying thank you. I do a combination of all three. It doesn’t matter how you talk to God, just talk to him! They say that everyone is a Christian when the plane is going down. Don’t be that person. Develop a relationship with him so that when you are in desperate need, he won’t think, who are you again? Instead he’ll say, “Oh Sarah, it’s you.. what’s wrong? What do you need?”

You nurture your earthly relationships. How about nurturing the one you have with the creator? The controller of your life? Sound like a good idea? Trust me. It is. God bless and Amen.

 

How do you trust God in the middle of a nightmare?

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Spoiler alert – I don’t have the answer. I wish I did. Since October I have been living in an unstable situation. Some days I get by just fine. Some days I am so frightened that I don’t feel real. Some days I am just worried. A foolish emotion, but I claim it occasionally.

A few days ago it was panic time. Inside I was both angry with God and questioning his existence. Can you relate? I’m certain that a lot of you can. It’s all part of being human. For me, however, the existence questioning lasted hours, not days. The anger part was equally short, but it was very real at the time.

Blasting through my mind was the big question – How do you trust God in the middle of a nightmare? When my life is sailing along it’s easy. I know you’ve got this, Lord. I’m all yours, 100%. Do with me as you wish. And by the way, I’m loving your choices right now.  Thanks for all the good stuff, both big and little. And then a bomb drops and my legs go out from under me and I find myself on my back, moaning. Why God, why? How could you allow this to happen, AGAIN?!

A few days later things changed.  I was beginning to see a light, a very, very small one, but definitely a light. I focused on the light and thanked God for it. It meant hope to me and that is all I ever want when life goes south. I want hope. I can live with that.

Today is a middle of the road day. The light is still there, albeit dim, but I can see it if I squint. Tomorrow who knows? How do we go on when our lives are unreliable, uncertain, unstable? Here’s the next big reveal – THAT’S LIFE!  You learn to cope. I know I have said this before, but my father always told me, “The only thing you can count on in this world is change. Learn to go with it and you’ll be fine.” I can deal with that most of the time, but then this happened…

Back to the nightmare. One thing God reminds me of at times like these is that he is constant. He is with me when I rage against him. He still loves me when I loudly declare he doesn’t exist. God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is with us in our suffering, our deepest pain. When we are crying our eyes out, when our world has turned upside down and inside out. He is still there, telling us to take hold of his hand and squeeze as hard as we can. He will not go away.

Is that the answer? Kind of. When things in my world start shaking, I have to focus on him and remind myself that he will see me through it, whatever it is. However scary it is. However painful it is. He will be with me. Our biggest challenge is not to lose sight of that.  Get down on your knees and pray and then thank him for being in charge. Second big reveal – WE AREN’T IN CHARGE! Thank him in advance for  the plan he has for you, and then the hard part, trust that the plan is a good one.

I’ll probably get angry with God again. And then I will question his existence. He doesn’t mind. He knows I always come back to him. I hope you do too. God bless.

 

 

Holding On

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

It’s November in Portland, Oregon and 98% of the trees around me have given up their leaves in anticipation of winter. I look at the 2% and wonder, Why are they holding on? Don’t they know that they can’t stop winter from coming? Why aren’t they letting go?

It makes me think of humans and how we hold on to things/places/people/beliefs when perhaps it would be better for us to let them go. Why do we do that? My theory is that it gives us a feeling of security, holding on to the familiar, even when we may know, deep down, that it’s not a good idea to do so. Especially if what we are holding on to is hurting us in some way. Perhaps it is even toxic.

I held on to a relationship of three years long past the time I knew it was not a healthy one. I kept hoping things would change and I would finally get my fairy tale ending. Holding on did nothing to change the outcome. He left me and rather than feeling empowered, I felt lost and abandoned by someone I trusted. Where did I go wrong? Had I left earlier, when I saw the proverbial writing on the wall, I would still have felt the pain, but I would have been more in charge of my own life. Lesson learned.

I held on to my horse longer than I should have. I knew we weren’t going to make it unless I gave in to staying at the same level with her and never advancing. It hurt like hell to let her go but it was the smart move. Keeping her with me did not give either one of us the opportunity to grow and have a meaningful life. I tried for months to put the square peg in the round hole, to no avail. I played the ” If I just….. then it will work out” game for way too long.

I held on to an ideal all through my young adulthood of what marriage should look like. I wasn’t completely wrong. It should be a mutually satisfying union between two people who love and respect one another. But that’s where the similarity ended. Is it anything like the movies suggested? Is it a fairy tail? Does all relationship work stop when you say “I do?” No! It begins! And boy are there bumpy roads ahead. But if you are with someone tried and true, you have nothing to worry about. You will get through the bumpy times with hard work and love.

I’ve held on to an idea for too long. I thought for many months that I was “supposed to be” a hospital chaplain. I did my research, interviewed other chaplains, talked to hospital administrators, only to find at every turn the door slam in my face. After several dead ends, I finally gave up on the idea.

Think about what you might be holding on to that you need to let go. Maybe it’s a false impression of someone. Maybe the false impression is of you! Maybe you have been telling yourself for a long time that you are not good enough for something or someone. You’re too old to try something new. You’re not worthy of the good in your life. Is it time to let those beliefs go away to die? Think about what is serving you and your best life and what is not. Give it some serious thought and then if necessary, let it go. You will find yourself moving faster toward a better life. Holding on to things when it’s time to let them go may feel secure, but it is actually preventing you from moving forward, and in most cases, from being happy again.

Just like we should clean out our closets once a year, it’s also good to clean out your life. Let go of anything that does not contribute to your well being. Then watch yourself grow. God bless.

Lost Identity

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

I have been in the horse world for 13 years now. I’ve owned four horses. My last one, Ruby, I owned for 4 1/2 years. I brought her to Oregon in 2017 when we moved up here. I rode her in three dressage show events. We were a good team. Now she is a therapy horse at Healing Hearts Ranch in Olympia, WA and she’s killing it. She was born for this apparently. I am still grieving for her but I think I am at the same time grieving the possibility that I may not own a horse again or even ride!

I was thinking about it the other day. Initially after Ruby left I rode two horses belonging to my two trainers at the barn. I was doing well and thought I was going to sail on through the whole transition. Saving my money to buy a new horse at some point. Life was good! And then it hit me one morning, about three weeks after giving her up. I was in a state of deep depression. It came to me days later that I was grieving.  All of a sudden my future looked like a giant question mark. Would I ever own another horse? Am I just going to walk away from this lifestyle that has been more than just a hobby? That has been my identity?

I tried to force a decision and then decided not to decide, not yet anyway. I would allow myself time to grieve for Ruby and make a decision later. This is not only what I told myself but also my trainer. It seemed reasonable enough. But when do I actually decide? I have never liked living in limbo. But here I am.

There are logical reasons to quit now. I’m older, much older.   I have broken my arm, fractured a thumb which required surgery and most recently broke my foot after a fall that caused a concussion, something I have never had. I have also had bad falls that resulted in a black eye and a bruise on the side of my knee where it damaged a nerve leaving that part of my knee numb .

So why did I continue riding? Because when it was good, it was THAT good. It filled my heart. It was my passion. And I LOVE horses.

It’s expensive. VERY expensive. I am retired. It has never made me feel poor or broke but it takes at least a fourth of my total income every month and sometimes more. Good reason to quit? I don’t know.

But it’s who I am, right? I am a horse woman. I have always loved talking about my horse. I used to have a bumper sticker that said, “Ask me about my horse. Have you got all day?”

Now I have all this extra time,  3-4 days per week, with nothing scheduled. What to do? I’m back at the gym more often. That’s good, but then what?

Clearly at some point I will have to do something. Doing nothing is not an option. But life feels unsettling and uncomfortable. Most of my days have no control. Part of me wants to fill them up with horses again. Part of me doesn’t want to. Maybe God has a plan for me but I don’t know what it is. He may let me sit here in limbo for a while, being uncomfortable. Hmm.

Have you been there? I think of athletes who get injured and are told they can never compete again. That has to be devastating. I’m not even being told that. I am doing this to myself! Life happens. Change happens. We have to go with it because fighting it makes you crazy and miserable. I repeat, I am volunteering for this! Why? On some level I believe there is something else I am supposed to do now. But again, I have no idea what that looks like.

And so I wait, sans horses and sans a plan. In a weird way I am out of my comfort zone, even though I am in my own home.  I have heard it is good to learn how to live in the discomfort. Will it make me stronger? More prepared? Wiser? I haven’t a clue.  I just know I don’t like it here.

I remember being in Art Class in the fifth grade. The teacher gave us all a blank sheet of paper, put on a piece of music, probably classical, and told us to draw what came to mind. I remember feeling utterly lost. While others got right to it, I sat there without a clue. That’s kind of how I see the days ahead of me. Blank sheets of paper. Maybe if I surrender to the unknown. Give up the idea of filling up the days just to fill up the days. Maybe if I just relax and see what happens. Perhaps it will come to me when I am not desperate to fill that sheet of paper. That bloody, blank sheet of paper called my life. Stay tuned. God bless.

On saying goodbye

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

After falling off my horse in December and breaking my foot, followed by 3 months (a non-related surgery occurred in mid February) of not riding, I found it difficult to regain my confidence on my horse. My trainers, being the wise and knowledgeable women that they are, started me back slowly. I was building momentum fast and then I started going backwards. Hard to find a clear cut reason. I just did. I was afraid to ride my horse.

Since relocating to Oregon, Ruby has become either a different horse or her real, true self. It doesn’t matter. She’s the sensitive horse I bought in California four and a half years ago times five. Still a great horse and very rideable with a perfectly calm, nothing ever bothers me rider on her back. That has never been used to describe me.

She would look to me to reassure her. At the same time I was looking to her for reassurance! Neither one of us was getting what we wanted. I prayed to God to please take my fear away. I had had it with that miserable emotion and I wanted it gone!

It dawned on me this morning that that is exactly what he did. Let me explain. A few weeks ago, in sheer desperation, I told my trainer I thought what she suggested eight months ago was correct. I have the wrong horse. For me, for my safety, for my progression, for my pleasure. Not wanting to influence me back then, both of my trainers agreed to carry on with my training on Ruby and never mentioned it again. They accepted that I wanted to keep my horse and they were willing to work with me to overcome the obstacles in my riding. A few weeks ago I told them they were right. Ruby was no longer the partner I needed and more importantly, I wasn’t the one she needed.

Facing the truth was hard. For eight months I kept telling myself, “It’s me. If I just get braver, if I just ride her more, if I change my attitude. If, if, if. I continued to push on that square peg to make it fit into the round hole. It didn’t fit and it never will.

What to do? I discussed it with my primary trainer. We talked about options. She knew of three therapy programs and knew the people who ran them. Being a sensitive horse, Ruby would be great working with people who had emotional issues, not to mention PTSD Vets. It was the Vets part that caught my attention. I would love it if my horse could be an instrument for healing.

As it turned out, everything has fallen into place and Ruby will be going to Healing Hearts Ranch in Olympia, WA on the 18th. It will initially be on a trial basis for up to 60 days at which time if it doesn’t work out I would be approached with the option to take her back. My trainer knows the owner of this ranch/program and trusts her completely. I have looked at their website and seen the good work they do there. Ruby has taught me a lot. Now it is time for her to teach others while making a huge difference in their lives. She will become a healer and will be honored and loved by many. That is what will make our separation tolerable, albeit painful.

In the interim, each of my trainers has me taking lessons on one of their horses. One horse is very tall but rock solid and very sweet. The other is very short and extremely well trained. I will be riding both of them for several months, allowing me to save money in order to purchase my next (and probably last) horse partner. My trainer will assist in that process and has already assured me that we will take our time, ending up ideally with a lease/purchase situation.  Knowing her as I have for the last two years, I am confident she has my best interest in mind, not to mention my safety.

My point in telling you this story is to remind you that your best laid plans often blow up in your face.  Change is inevitable. Changing your mind about something you were absolutely sure of is okay. It happens.  We have to be flexible rather than intractable, open to the new instead of stubbornly refusing to let it in.  Being able to leave your comfort zone when you have no idea what awaits you outside of it. Trusting that you will land on your feet. Not only will you be okay but you will be happy again. You do not grow in your comfort zone. Remember that.

Jeremiah 29:11  When God pushes you to the edge of difficulty, trust him fully because two things can happen.  Either he’ll catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly.

God bless.

When in doubt…

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Have you ever believed something for years and then one day doubt its authenticity? People of opposing views addressed you with a question that was worded in such a way as to make you distrust your own beliefs? And then you feel guilty for questioning, knowing that if you doubt your belief then you are not a true believer? You should be punished! At the very least, you need to ask for forgiveness. Have you ever been there?

I am reading an amazing book titled “When faith fails – finding God in the shadow of doubt,” by the pastor of our church, Dominic Done. It is not only eye opening, it is life changing.

Some wonderful quotes from the book:

Doubt presses you to reevaluate the story of your life.

We don’t believe instead of doubting; we believe while doubting.

Doubt is essentially neutral; it’s what you do with it that counts.

And I shall end with this – Just because there are things you don’t understand about God doesn’t mean that he doesn’t exist.

I’ve certainly had moments, even days of doubting my faith. I would ask God to please give me a sign that he really does exist. Sometimes I would get it and sometimes I wouldn’t. The biggest problem with Christianity is believing in something you cannot see. It’s accepting miracles (things that happen without a scientific explanation) at face value. It’s having faith when everything and everyone around you points to a reality that challenges it. How do we get there?

You may arrive at faith when nothing else in your life makes sense. When you have reached the end of your rope and there is nowhere else to go. You believe your life is so miserable and you are so desperate that you consider ending it. And then something happens. You hear a song on the radio that gives you hope. A friend invites you to church and you hear a sermon that you know was meant just for you. A stranger shows you compassion and love and initially you cannot figure out why someone would do that, and then you do.

When I became a Christian (for the second time) I felt no desperation, no misery, no longing for something to change, no longing at all. God reached out and tapped me on the shoulder. He said, “It’s time for you to follow me, child, not just believe in me.” Something like that. I was in a place in my life where everything was going well. Go figure. But when God spoke, I listened. My heart opened up and welcomed him in. I have not been the same since.

You know who doubted their beliefs? I mean seriously doubted them? Mother Teresa! I’ve heard pastors, many of them, confess to times of doubt. As it turns out we all do! It doesn’t mean that we are bad Christians. It means that we have been given an opportunity to grow in our faith. When you doubt, you can go either way. It can turn into unbelief or a stronger belief. It all depends on you.

When you doubt, take the time to pursue what is bothering you. Ask questions, do research, talk to those who know more than you do. And of course pray! But never see doubt as something to chase you away from God. It will probably bring you closer to him. God bless.