How do you trust God in the middle of a nightmare?

Spoiler alert – I don’t have the answer. I wish I did. Since October I have been living in an unstable situation. Some days I get by just fine. Some days I am so frightened that I don’t feel real. Some days I am just worried. A foolish emotion, but I claim it occasionally.

A few days ago it was panic time. Inside I was both angry with God and questioning his existence. Can you relate? I’m certain that a lot of you can. It’s all part of being human. For me, however, the existence questioning lasted hours, not days. The anger part was equally short, but it was very real at the time.

Blasting through my mind was the big question – How do you trust God in the middle of a nightmare? When my life is sailing along it’s easy. I know you’ve got this, Lord. I’m all yours, 100%. Do with me as you wish. And by the way, I’m loving your choices right now.  Thanks for all the good stuff, both big and little. And then a bomb drops and my legs go out from under me and I find myself on my back, moaning. Why God, why? How could you allow this to happen, AGAIN?!

A few days later things changed.  I was beginning to see a light, a very, very small one, but definitely a light. I focused on the light and thanked God for it. It meant hope to me and that is all I ever want when life goes south. I want hope. I can live with that.

Today is a middle of the road day. The light is still there, albeit dim, but I can see it if I squint. Tomorrow who knows? How do we go on when our lives are unreliable, uncertain, unstable? Here’s the next big reveal – THAT’S LIFE!  You learn to cope. I know I have said this before, but my father always told me, “The only thing you can count on in this world is change. Learn to go with it and you’ll be fine.” I can deal with that most of the time, but then this happened…

Back to the nightmare. One thing God reminds me of at times like these is that he is constant. He is with me when I rage against him. He still loves me when I loudly declare he doesn’t exist. God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is with us in our suffering, our deepest pain. When we are crying our eyes out, when our world has turned upside down and inside out. He is still there, telling us to take hold of his hand and squeeze as hard as we can. He will not go away.

Is that the answer? Kind of. When things in my world start shaking, I have to focus on him and remind myself that he will see me through it, whatever it is. However scary it is. However painful it is. He will be with me. Our biggest challenge is not to lose sight of that.  Get down on your knees and pray and then thank him for being in charge. Second big reveal – WE AREN’T IN CHARGE! Thank him in advance for  the plan he has for you, and then the hard part, trust that the plan is a good one.

I’ll probably get angry with God again. And then I will question his existence. He doesn’t mind. He knows I always come back to him. I hope you do too. God bless.