Author: Sarah Tauber

Apparently tantrums are not just for toddlers!

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

“Knock it off!” I could feel my blood pressure slowly rising, my face turning red. I was completely exasperated and about to walk away. What was I doing? I was trying to clean the right rear hoof of my horse!

For the last month, out of the blue, my horse won’t let me clean that one foot.  She had her hooves trimmed recently and the farrier had no issues with her. My trainer assures me there is no injury there; she is just playing a game with me. I’m on the fence about that and will check it out if this behavior continues.

I kept pulling up her foot, using different methods and holding onto different parts of her leg. She was determined not to let me clean this hoof. I realized, as I bent my head down for the umpteenth time, that she could easily cold cock me and knock me flat. That was a disturbing thought. As that leg was being pulled from my hand with incredible force, her left hind leg went up in a threatening position.

I was out of breath and out of patience. I gave up and went over to the bench to sit down. I am not one who gets angry often.  I may get mad at circumstances or a person but it is over almost as quickly as it began. This was different. This was anger. As I was sitting on the bench, I began talking to her. “Do you know how much money I would save every month if I didn’t have a horse? A lot!” I heard myself say these words and I cringed inside. I felt mean and angry and I wanted a divorce.

I put her away and left, without saying a word. And then I got depressed. I left the barn defeated and miserable. Who was the loser here? My horse? I don’t think so. She was probably feeling pretty good. After all, she won, right? I was the loser, the one who would suffer for hours afterward. I felt lousy.

My point here is not that I got angry with my horse. My point is that it served no purpose and it ruined my day. Yesterday was my day to ride alone. I had come up with some ideas of how to get her to let me clean that hoof but I was afraid that if I failed,  I would get angry/mean/depressed again. I chose not to  try. I saddled her up and we had a great ride in the arena, practicing some skills my trainer had shown me the day before. I was determined to leave the barn happy this time. Nothing was going to ruin it,  not even my horse’s stubbornness. I was sweet to her and even apologized for being so mean. I’m pretty sure she forgave me.

My trainer is going to work with her to figure out the hoof problem. I am going to remain calm about it and try what she suggests. I will not let this get the better of me and I will not sell my horse! As I left the barn yesterday it hit me how important attitude is and how connected it is to your happiness. They are inextricably linked. Yesterday I changed my attitude, let go of the issue I was having with my horse and decided to have a good ride. And voila! I did. I left the barn feeling elated, the way you should feel after a ride. Not depressed.

Lesson here? When you find yourself losing it, give yourself a time out and get your mind straight. Don’t let things escalate the way I did, which left me feeling undone. Catch it early. Walk away for a few minutes. Regain your perspective. Get back on track and allow yourself to feel calm and more in control. Take a deep breath and let it go. Choose to be happy!  :))

Oh ye of little faith

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Matthew 8:26 – He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

It was dark outside and getting darker. As I looked out of the airplane window,  all I could see thousands of feet below me were city lights. It brought me little peace. The pilot had warned us that as we left Portland and climbed to our final altitude of 34,000 feet, it would be a bit “bumpy”. That was his word, not mine. Bumpy didn’t begin to describe it. It had been at least 30 minutes since we left the Portland area and we had long since reached the ceiling. So much for the pilot’s attempt to keep us calm. I was far from it.

I told you before that I am not a fan of flying. I also told you that I now take 5mg of Valium hours before the flight which generally keeps my nerves at bay. Normally,  if we hit turbulence I look out of the window and remark to myself, Oh, we’ve hit some turbulence. But I’m not worried. I know everything is fine.

Months ago I read a wonderful book called “Soar”, written by Captain Tom Bunn, MSW, LCSW, a licensed therapist and airline captain. He wrote this book to teach people about his successful program for conquering flight anxiety. Did it help me? Yes. Am I cured? No. Should I read it again? Probably.

Up until this flight on Wednesday night I have been doing very well as a passenger. But this flight was, in my unprofessional opinion, way beyond “bumpy”. I was terrified, something I hate to be while flying. Although my husband was also on the flight he had chosen to sit in the back of the plane, nearer to the restroom as he had the stomach flu. I was fine with that, initially. Until the turbulence hit. Then I  wished I would have been able to grab his arm and ask, as a small child might, “Are we going to be okay?”

What did I do? I remembered that as a Christian I have the Holy Spirit inside me at all times. I asked, then pleaded, then begged him to take my fear away AND please, while you are at it, smooth out the flight! Please Holy Spirit, take away this terrible fear I have right now. And also, please make the turbulence go away! We had moments, and trust me, they were just moments, where it was bearable. And then, I started to calm down a bit. I remembered things I had learned from the book, “Soar”.  Even though the turbulence had not let up, I began to fear it less. I found that sitting forward, with my elbows on my thighs while holding my head, made it more bearable. If I leaned back in the seat, the choppiness was more palpable.

I remembered the above passage from the Bible. Inside my head I heard, “Don’t be afraid.”  Oh ye of little faith, I thought to myself.  Faith is believing when your logic and your eyes tell you not to. It isn’t easy to do. It requires discipline and confidence that everything will be alright. Let go of your fear. Trust that God will provide. And in this case, although my fear remained, it was reduced enough so that I could endure the rest of the flight.

Are there areas in your life or times in your life when having faith feels impossible? Try believing anyway. Give it over to God and trust. Having even the smallest faith (as a mustard seed, remember?) can make the difference between suffering and peace of mind. Try it. God bless.

 

 

Between a rock and a hard place

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

I have two grown sons who are both married with children. One lives here, in Corona. The other lives in Portland, Oregon. I love them both more than words could say. It broke my heart when my young son and his wife moved to Portland almost three years ago. But I adapted. I have visited them several times and they have come down here.  Like I said, I have adapted. One does. You have no choice.

Except you do. We are now talking about the possibility of moving to Portland. California is very expensive, high taxes, etc. We have a beautiful home with land that we purchased to build a barn and an arena for our horses. That never happened. And so we have all of this land and rather than bringing us joy it brings us (I should say Bill) challenges, blood, sweat and a smaller bank account. We are older now and really don’t need all of this land. He would argue that we don’t even need the size house we have but I respectfully disagree. He’s ready to downsize and leave California. We have each lived here consecutively for over 15 years. In my lifetime I have lived in California a grand total of 36 years. Maybe it’s time to live somewhere else?

This is not written in stone but we are going up there tomorrow for four days to do some exploring. We will be looking at neighborhoods and meeting with a realtor that I have been “working” with for about two years.

I don’t want to leave my older son and his family who live here. But it would be nice to live more cheaply and to be close to my younger son and his family. Thus the rock and the hard place. I will be sad either way. My young son and his wife are very excited at the prospect of having family up there. I have lived there before. It’s beautiful. It’s clean. There are four seasons. Yes, it rains a lot but six months out of the year the weather is spectacular. In the late summer it stays light until almost 10 o’clock at night. It snows occasionally in the winter but not so much as to be unmanageable. And I still have friends up there.

But then again, California has been my home for many years. I love my house. I love my life here. What to do? We are going to wait and see how we feel after this trip. Bill is not crazy about the weather up there. When it’s time to decide, we will decide. I am hoping the answer will be obvious. Maybe like it was for my son and his wife three years ago. They went up there to check it out and came home with an apartment lined up and two jobs! They have since bought a house which also fell into place quite nicely. Meant to be. Hmm.

When you find yourself between a rock and a hard place sometimes the best thing to do is wait. Unless the choice is an obvious one, give yourself some time. Pray about it. Make lists of pros and cons. I am a big proponent of list making. Look at your possible choice from all angles. Do this when you mind is clear and your emotions are asleep. My father told me once that with very few exceptions. all decisions can be reversed. It’s probably not life or death. You will survive even if you made what you realize later was the wrong decision. Decide again.

Bill and I have decided not to decide just yet. We have to weigh all of the options, the positives and the negatives. And then we will commit 100%. One of my sons will be disappointed; one of them will be thrilled. One of my sons I will visit as often as I can.  A rock and a hard place. Maybe I should put a big cushy pillow over whichever one I choose. :))

I’m not in my right mind

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Last night I took out my notebook with the intention of writing my weekly blog. It’s Friday, I thought to myself. I’m already a day late. I held the pen in my hand and waited for inspiration. And waited. Nothing came. I’m not in my right mind, I thought. Haha. That’s pretty funny. True, but funny.

I have bronchitis and a fever. Being clever and creative are not only difficult for me right now, they are downright impossible. I am thinking about the people who read my blog every week who are looking in their emails for the new one and not finding it. That bothered me. I have to write something! Maybe tomorrow. (Which is today.) So here I am, waiting for my muse. Maybe she’s on vacation. Maybe she has bronchitis and a fever.

I have written before that since retiring in 2011 I have been busier than I ever was during my career. My horse takes up most of that time. Then I have writing, friends, appointments, shopping, cleaning, etc. I don’t know where it all comes from, but my days are always full. Until I get sick. And then I have to clear my calendar, one event at a time. I have postponed a hair appointment twice and cancelled a few others. Can’t meet for lunch, can’t go to church, can’t even do my own grocery shopping. Thank you, Bill. It is beyond frustrating to just lie around all day being unproductive. Is there something I could learn from all of this? Yes – don’t get sick!

Today I feel like I might have the tiniest bit of energy, enough to write this blog anyway. And then it is back on the couch. A week from today we are flying to Portland for four days. I must be better by then. And so I eliminate anything short of life altering between now and next Saturday. That flight is booked and paid for. Can’t miss it.

What do you do when you are sick and have to put the brakes on your busy life? Do you let it frustrate you, depress you, anger you? Do you take it as a blessing, using the time to reflect, re-organize your thoughts, prioritize your life? Do you read more? Watch more television? Sleep more?

I’ve been frustrated, watched more television, slept more, slept a lot. I am trying to put myself in a positive place where I can appreciate what my body is trying to do (get well) and give it the time it needs to do so. It isn’t easy.

Being sick also means you need to depend on others, if there are others around. I had to ask my husband to take care of my horse and do the grocery shopping, both of which he did with love. I guess when you are sick you have to let go of your need to do, to be and to go. Listen to your body and get better. There will be plenty of time to do, be and go later, when you are well again. Did you hear that, Sarah?

Be well and God bless. :))

Prayer

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord in health to keep,
All of those who are to me,                                                                                                                                         A warm and loving family.

This was the prayer I said every night as a child. It was my father’s less morbid version of the original “Now I lay me down to sleep….”

As a fairly new Christian, prayer has become a bigger part of my life. Previously, I would pray for my family and if someone outside of that circle needed prayer, I would add them to the list, at least until their prayers were answered. Now that I belong to a larger community, the requests for prayer are much more frequent. In the beginning, I found myself feeling overwhelmed. How can I pray for all of these people? But it’s really not difficult and takes no extra time.

Prayer is very powerful. I think most would agree. It changes the air around you. Your thoughts vibrate outside of you as they travel into the universe. Prayer changes you. It allows you to connect with your innermost being as well as the natural world. The Bible says we should pray without ceasing. I don’t believe that means we are to stop our lives and all communication with others to only communicate with God. No, I take it to mean that we should keep a prayerful heart and during the quiet times fill the air around us with prayer.

Pray for guidance, clarity, peace, comfort, love, health, abundance – for yourself and for others. Pray for our leaders, pray for the world. Pray for those in pain and those who are ill. Pray for caregivers, first responders, healers, mothers, fathers, children. Pray for those who are struggling, who are tired and weak. I could go on and on. A few words of prayer will change your attitude and help those in need.

Pray with an open mind and a pure heart. What you are praying for should be a blessing to others. Don’t treat God like a genie in a bottle or Santa Claus. He is not a magician.

The other important thing to remember is that God answers all prayers, in His time and in His way. Your answered prayer may not look exactly like you thought it would, but it will be far better for you in the long run. He is not human and His timing may not be yours. This is where faith comes in.

Spend some time every day in prayer and gratitude. It will change your life for the better. Amen. :))

The Visit

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

How do you react when you learn that your relatives are coming to stay with you for a few days or longer? Panic? Joy? Anxiety? For me, all of the above. My husband recently reconnected with his brother after 25+ years. It was a wonderful reunion. We went to their home in Chicago at the beginning of last month. It was my first time meeting him and his wife. Of course we invited them out to California to visit us. We all decided that would be a grand idea and should happen sooner than later. Then we flew back home. A few weeks went by and we learned that they would be coming to visit at the end of September. They are arriving here this afternoon.

Now this is not bad news. They are lovely people. The issue is that we (especially me) don’t really know them. I contacted their daughter on Facebook to get some insight into what they like to eat and drink. Other than that, I am in the dark.

I went shopping yesterday to purchase what I knew they liked. Then I reached a dead end. Should I buy bacon for breakfast? What if they don’t like bacon? I bought some shrimp scampi to make only to remember on the way home that just one of them eats seafood! You get the idea. I’m lost here.

I keep telling myself and I really believe that this will be delightful visit, ending up with the four of us  bonding and making lasting memories. However, part of me remains anxious. How do we entertain them? Will there be awkward moments? Will they be comfortable in our home? That’s my responsibility as the hostess. I can’t wait until it’s over and it’s just me, my husband and two cats, living in less than perfectly clean or uncluttered surroundings.  What is their tolerance level for dust?

I’m running around today, going from room to room, picking up the clutter, trying to reach perfection in my non-perfect house. IMPOSSIBLE!

I should just relax and let them see that we don’t live in a museum. Things get messy as do our lives. These are good people. I’m sure their expectations, if any, are just that they will be warmly welcomed and have a grand time. Which of course they will.

So the next time you have visitors, put your energy into making them feel welcomed and appreciated. Forget the six dust bunnies under the couch. Focus on what’s important and don’t sweat the small stuff. Embrace the clutter! Well, maybe just don’t stress over it. :))

Love and Marriage

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Relationships can be difficult, rewarding, exhausting, joyful, challenging, trying, fulfilling, loving and in my mind, better than two individuals living separate lives.

A friend of mine is struggling in her relationship. This is where Sarah the MFCC (Marriage Family Child Counselor) comes in. It was my almost career but I quit one year shy of my Masters Degree. I decided I didn’t want to listen to people’s problems all day. Now if someone comes to me for advice and sometimes when they don’t, I’m all over it, around it and through it.

I pulled everything out of the proverbial hat that I could think of. I even took notes before the phone call that I knew was coming. I was deeply invested in changing her mind. Did I? I don’t know. Time will tell. I’ve done my part, maybe more than my part and now all I can do is pray and wait. That’s so hard for me. I want to be in her face very day, spouting brilliant bits of wisdom. That sounds annoying, doesn’t it? Because it would be. I know that. But it doesn’t stop me from trying to control the situation. There’s that word again – control.

No matter how badly I want her relationship to work, in the end it will be her decision, not mine. I can only stand by as a friend and hope that she has weighed all of the options carefully and thought everything through, considering the consequences above all.

It frustrates me that my carefully chosen, well intentioned words may end up on the floor, only to be swept up and tossed into the waste basket. Nothing more to do here but be a friend.

I tried to explain that relationships (especially marriage) have an element of ebb and flow – changing, growing, ups and downs, challenges and even crises occur but that only means it’s time to go to work, as a team. That’s when you bring out the big guns. You use everything in your arsenal to fight for what matters most. It’s not the time to quit, not because things get difficult. Life is difficult.

Unpleasant? Painful? Out of your comfort zone? Not what you thought your relationship would be? No one ever told you things could get ugly, scary, messy and too embarrassing to share with anyone on the outside? Yes, to all of the above. But when you get through it, you come out on the other side stronger and wiser, both as individuals and as a couple.

Can most relationship problems be fixed with help, patience, love, forgiveness, courage and faith? Yes, again. There are exceptions but only a few.

It may be sad but it has taken me most of my life to figure this out and actually put it into practice. But then some people never do.

Here’s to solving problems, being patient with one another, forgiving and loving. There was only one perfect man and that was Jesus. The rest of us are flawed. We do our best. God bless.

 

Patience

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

God grant me patience and I want it now!

Patience is …

An agreement with yourself to wait peacefully. A lack of struggle or resistance while waiting. Trusting that something will arrive in your life at the right time. Refusal to worry and letting life unfold as it should.

These are my thoughts on patience. I’m sure you could add your own. There are simple times when we are called to be patient like waiting in line or being stuck in traffic. Then there are the more challenging times such as waiting for the results of a medical test or waiting to learn if a loved one is safe after hearing of a natural disaster where they live.

Waiting and patience seem to go hand in hand, don’t they? Waiting requires patience. If one is not patient while waiting, it creates a stressful situation allowing worry to creep in. How does one learn patience? I believe the older you are, the easier it becomes.

Patience is the opposite of instant gratification. Generally speaking, as you age, being able to wait patiently for things becomes less of an issue. Maturity? Wisdom? Understanding and accepting your lack of control in the situation? Yes, I think so. All of the above.

When I am stuck in traffic or in a long line at the post office, I’m not a fan but I don’t get upset about it. There’s nothing you can do! Letting that ruin an otherwise perfectly good day is foolish and wasteful. I often use the down time to think through something, solve a problem or come up with a plan. Time well spent without stewing.

In the more serious times of waiting, of course there is stress. This is where faith and trust come in. You must trust that no matter what happens you will be able to handle it. You have faith that everything is working for your good. Easier said than done.

They call patience a virtue for a reason. It must be developed, beginning with the small stuff and then gradually applied during the more challenging times.  It takes practice.

Some good quotes on patience:

“Great things come out of patience.”

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.”

“God has perfect timing; never early and never late and it takes a little patience and a lot of faith.”

“Two things define you: your patience when you have nothing and your attitude when you have everything.”

Learn to be patient in all things. It will serve you well. God bless. :))

When your aging mind sabotages your self confidence

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

This summer I spent two occasions watching different grandchildren of mine swim and play in a large pool. I loved watching them. I shared with them how I used to swim as a child and young adult. I knew all of the strokes – the crawl, sidestroke, breaststroke, backstroke, the butterfly. I used to be able to swim underwater up and back, a full lap, in just one breath. Since then I have had no real interest in swimming, until these two occasions, when I was watching them swim. It struck a chord in me. So a few days ago, upon returning from the barn, I announced to my husband that I was going swimming. I’m sure he thought I had lost my mind. I never go swimming! But he politely said, “Okay.” I didn’t see his face. I should have. It might have been funny.

I put on my bathing suit which I haven’t allowed anyone to see me in in years. (Getting older will do that to you, especially if you are a woman.) I got in the pool slowly, then stood at the end preparing myself for at least one full lap of the Australian crawl. I was actually excited. Then I hesitated. “What if I have forgotten how? What if I get half-way across and run out of breath? What if I drown?” I’m no longer that young girl who could swim all strokes with grace and style. I’m an “old” woman now. And then it hit me. I’ve lost my confidence here. It’s a direct result of aging. I saw it in my mother and have seen it in my sister. As we age, we often lose confidence in our abilities and sometimes for no good reason. It’s a tragic by-product of getting older.

“What else has it stopped me from doing?” I wondered. I’m not as confident dancing as I used to be. Wait a minute! I ride horses for Pete’s sake! What’s wrong with you, woman? I took a quick breath and headed for the opposite end of the pool. A bit awkward at first, I soon got my rhythm and made it to the other end without drowning. I was out of breath, though. That could be fixed with practice, I tell myself. Now for the big test – swimming under water to the other end. I took a deep breath and dove under. I swam as fast as I could. I just made it to the other end with zero breath to spare. This, too, would improve with practice. I remembered that twenty years ago I was diagnosed with adult asthma. That might have something to do with it.  The last thing I did before exiting the pool was the sidestroke and I managed a full lap before getting tired or dying.

So here is my point. If you are over 50, don’t let your mind convince you that things you used to be good at are now impossible, even if slightly modified. Don’t believe you can’t do it anymore.

I’m not talking about some crazy stunt you could get away with in your 20s but probably not so much in your 50s or 60s. I’m not suggesting that you do anything dangerous or potentially life threatening. Try to recognize when your inner voice is out to intimidate rather than encourage. That it’s trying to get you to play it safe, stay in your comfort zone, rather than inspire you to do something you’ve always wanted to do or do again. Our aging mind can hold us back rather than cheer us on. Don’t listen!

There are certainly things made for younger people to do that we should give up as we get older, but not everything falls into that category, certainly not swimming. Live your life. Enjoy it. Participate. Don’t hold onto the rocks on the bank of the river as it rushes by you. Let go!  :))

 

Forgiveness

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Luke 6:37 – Judge not and you will not be judged; condemn not and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven.

Matthew 6:12 – And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

When I was growing up, I remember my father telling me that one of the greatest gifts you can give someone is forgiveness. I interpreted it then with its most narrow meaning. If my friend hurts me in any way, I should forgive her. But the definition, at least in the bible, is much broader.

You have heard stories of a mother or father who forgave the person who murdered their child. Our reaction upon hearing this is shock, followed by skepticism. Really? Did they really forgive him? Why?

Forgiveness does two things – it blesses the receiver but it also blesses the giver. Non-forgiveness takes up space in your soul. It festers. It grows.  It can literally make you sick. I know this to be true. I have been on the receiving end of non-forgiveness and the person who refused to forgive me was bitter and unhappy for the rest of his life. (Not just due to his non-forgiveness of me but of others as well.)

Back to the family who forgave their child’s murderer.  Did that mean that what he did was excusable? Of course not. They forgave him not for his peace of mind but for their own. It kept them from becoming bitter and full of anger for the rest of their lives. I’m not sure people understand how that works. Many want revenge. The bible teaches us that revenge is God’s territory, not ours. That can be tough when you believe you have been seriously wronged. Your righteous anger makes you want to lash out and cause pain to the person who hurt you. And if you do, does it help? Does it make you feel better?  (Some would say “Yes!”) But ultimately you will feel lousy about what happened. It doesn’t give you the peace you expected to have.

How about “I forgive you so that I can move on without having to carry this burden any longer? So I can put it behind me and be happy again. I wish you well. Here is where our paths diverge. God bless and goodby.”  (Well, maybe you can’t bring yourself to say “God bless”, but wishing them well is a good start.)

I am human. There have been times in my life when the act of revenge was tempting. I ended up doing nothing. I figured that karma would take care of them. (Now I see that karma is really God in action.)

You reap what you sow. If you go around hurting others it will eventually catch up to you. Spread love and joy instead. The rewards are greater and certainly sweeter.

Forgive those who hurt you, especially if they are sincerely asking for your forgiveness. That does not mean that you approve of what they did but that you are releasing them from their debt.

Matthew 18:21-22 – Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.”

Big shoes to fill, but start small and work your way up.  You will live a better life, richer and filled with love.