Self Delusion

I don’t know about you but whenever I get weighed at the doctor’s office I turn away. I don’t want to know. I’ve been doing this for years, many years. I like to walk around and imagine what my weight is. I can tell by the way my clothes fit. I don’t need to know the number. Sound familiar? Recently I tried on a few pair of summer pants I had not worn in over a year. I don’t have to wear jeans all the time, I thought. So I grabbed three pair of my favorites.  First pair I could not get closed. Second pair I could not get closed. Third pair I got closed but would be arrested if I wore them outside! What the heck? What’s going on here? Did they shrink? Of course I knew that was not the case. Easing up on my diet over the past year had come with consequences. I’M FAT! I said out loud, although no one was around to hear me. I then went downstairs to proclaim this to my husband, whom I was sure would correct me, maybe even tell me the pants I tried on had shrunk. The he would say I was still as thin as I thought I was. Not to worry.        Nope. That is not what he said. Well, you know, when you get older your body shifts and things get redistributed and.… I stopped him from getting in deeper than he already was. No! I will not accept that! I’m fat and I have to do something about it…NOW!

To add insult to injury I decided to go online for the results of my recent check-up which was the prior week. I looked for my weight. There it was. The ugliest number I have come across in ages. My weight. I’d been walking around at least ten pounds lighter in my head. Was this a conspiracy? Ignorance is bliss, right? Reality can be harsh!

It got me thinking. What other harsh truths about myself am I hiding from? How easy it is to do this. We WANT to believe certain things about ourselves, whether they are completely accurate or not. If no one tells us, we get away with it.  And if someone does tell us, we are shocked, not pretend shocked either, really shocked!  The excuses come flooding into the brain all starting with the word “But”.  We try to make it not true.  We must make it not true in order to go our merry way. Sometimes our merry way is make believe.

Sometimes it’s pretty serious, the gap between what we believe about ourselves and the truth. We find out when our partner of so many years leaves us or when we get fired from our job or when our children blame their current condition on our lack of (fill in the blank). Harsh reality. It was easier believing the good lie.

There is the opposite condition as well. Believing bad things about yourself that are not true. That has separate and different repercussions. Subject for another time.

Living alone can be the perfect environment for self delusion. There is no one there to disagree with you, except maybe your dog. But you know how dogs are, they love you not matter what, as long you feed them. Cats, well, are different. But they can’t talk so… Not to disparage people who live alone. It just makes it more challenging to be honest with yourself.  When you have a good partner or a good friend, they are supposed to be the mirror. They should let you know when you have stepped outside of your character.  That’s how it works. You keep each other honest. Letting someone get away with bad behavior does not help anyone. That’s not friendship.

I have ordered a smart scale which will monitor my progress and also give me valuable info like body fat. I am working with my trainer to develop an exercise program and diet to help me reach my goals. I’m on a mission. No more self delusion about my weight.   The moral of this story? Check in with your friends, your kids or your partner every once in a while. Ask “How am I doing?” You may not always want to hear the answer but if you take the time now, you may save yourself serious grief later. God bless.