This is my favorite time of year and December is the magical month. But life is different for me this year. It will be the first time ever that my sister is not around. The first year I am not looking out for the perfect gifts for her. Oh, she’d love that, I’d say to myself. I must get it for her! Not this year. All the presents I would have bought…
Here’s my conundrum. As I said, this time of year I am filled with the excitement of the Season. I might as well be six years old. I am that happy. But I’m not six years old and the world is tough right now, tougher than usual. I hear stories from friends of friends dying or already gone. Families losing children. People losing beloved pets. I lost my sister. So how do I let myself feel the immeasurable joy that I would normally feel? Or do I allow it to come in spurts and then feel the compassion and personal sadness in-between? How do you reconcile those two, the joy of the Season with the pain and suffering all around you?
The short answer is I don’t know how. I catch myself as I listen to a Christmas carol that I particularly love. I start to feel exuberant but stop myself. How can I allow it? Things are not the same. People are having a really tough time. How can I be joyous? Sometimes it just bursts forth and I am too late to catch it. The joy, that is. I just feel it. It’s wonderful. An evening ago I was outside and felt the chill in the air. You could see your breath. That was the temperature. I was in bliss. The sky was just beginning to grow dark. It was cloudy like it might snow. It took me back to my childhood in Rhode Island. Every winter my sister and I would go out into the yard and feel the cold night air. It was such a deep joy-filled moment for us. I loved it. Is that okay? Can you let go and feel happy when you are in the middle of a broken world? Where right is wrong and wrong is somehow right and God is ignored and people feel hopeless? And if the answer is yes, then how do you do that?
This may help. Look up. What?? Look up and give your attention to God. Feel God. Know he is still there, whether the world has turned their back or not. He is always there, waiting for us. Talk to him. Listen to him. Follow him. Love him. He is the who, what, where, when and how of life. He is the why. Believe. Start a relationship if you haven’t already. He’s dying to talk to you. And I promise he will listen better than any of your friends or family. Tell him what’s going on with you and how you feel about it. Tell him of your wishes and dreams, your prayers, even your pain. Will he make all the suffering disappear? Will he take away your moments of reflection and sadness? No and no. But he will comfort you as you go through it. Ask him to take you by the hand and not let go. Just try it.
God is the answer to my conundrum. I pray for those in pain, for those in great need of comfort right now. I try to be a light for others who are in a dark place. And when the joy comes bubbling up in me I will let myself feel it. I will cherish it. It reminds me that all is not lost. There is hope. There is God and he loves us. We need to love him back. Just try it. God bless you and your family in this holiday season.