Tips for living well

In my book, “The Story She Had to Tell”, the older Madeleine describes her life philosophy, “rise above.” I literally coined that phrase as I was writing it. Then I started thinking about it, and today I practice it. What does it mean? If you are having a “bad” day (put in quotation marks because “bad” is in the eye of the beholder. So is “good”, by the way.) as I was the other day, I started to feel depressed about it. If I allow myself the luxury of a pity party, things can go downhill fast. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t like feeling that way.

Believe it or not, some people enjoy being depressed or playing the victim. It sounds counter intuitive, but I have personally known people who insist on their right to be miserable. Count me out!

Back to the topic at hand, rising above. In the book, Madeleine is lamenting over getting old. (I can relate.) She tells herself to “rise above”. It means to step out of your human condition, go into the clouds and focus on God.

If what is bothering you is really serious, and something over which you have no control, by all means give it to God. That is not the kind of thing I am talking about here. If it is silly human stuff that will probably change by tomorrow, then rise above it. One way I do that is to listen to some great Christian music I have recently been introduced to. It takes me out of my human problems and into the rarefied air, where such earthly matters are of little importance. The word “perspective” comes to mind, which I have talked about before. “Perspective – use it or lose it!”

Try it on something simple, a petty situation that gets under your skin and threatens to ruin an otherwise perfectly good day. “Rise above”. Go up into the clouds and visit God. I promise, that when you come back down to earth, you’ll wonder why you even cared about something so silly. Most of it is silly, and not worth your time or attention. Remember what is important in your life, what gives it meaning. That is time well spent. And then say “thank you”.

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“All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience.”  Henry Miller

“Ultimately spiritual awareness unfolds when you’re flexible, when you’re spontaneous, when you’re detached, when you’re easy on yourself and easy on others.”  Deepak Chopra

These are two of my favorite quotes relating to spontaneity. They appeal to me. When I was growing up I was very structured and enjoyed making plans. Plans for everything. I could never have been accused of being too spontaneous. I wasn’t even close! Spontaneity scared me. It was an unknown. I didn’t like unknowns. I wanted it all laid out for me. Had I only realized what I was missing.

When I grew up, it became clear that even if I wasn’t spontaneous myself, spontaneous things happened to me, i.e. without my control. I could plan all I wanted but sometimes life would interfere and something entirely different would occur. I would adjust, of course, but it was never my plan A.

I suspect there are many people whose thinking is very similar to what mine was. I say “was” because I have grown and now can embrace spontaneity – well, at least hold its hand. I am still a planner. I still like to know what’s going to happen tomorrow. It brings me security. I think that goes back to my father. He was rather unpredictable when my sister and I were growing up. He would get angry with us when we couldn’t figure out what we had done to deserve it. It threw both of us both off our game. We handled it differently, being different people. My sister grew up and married a wonderful, fairly predictable man, someone she could count on to be level headed. I became very structured and in control of my life. For a while it was almost neurotic but I didn’t notice. I had to control my environment to feel safe and secure. And I succeeded, mostly.

But that is not very realistic, is it? You cannot control anyone but yourself. You may try to control events and even other people, but you end up discouraged and sometimes depressed. Let go of that need right away. It won’t work!

I am talking about spontaneity today because the other evening when I was about to get into the shower so I could be ready when my husband got home, I got a phone call. My son needed me to come over and babysit my newest grandchild, and possibly spend the night. Of course I said “yes”. I didn’t hesitate. But I did get off the phone and for a brief moment I mourned the evening I had planned. Ah, there was the old Sarah, still trying to maintain her structured life. And don’t get me wrong, my life is still fairly structured, down to what I eat. But that would be boring so we won’t go there.

The point is that I can be spontaneous today, perhaps with a little nudge from my higher self. I truly believe the best things happen while being spontaneous! Meeting someone, perhaps the love of your life, because you gave in to your friend and went to that party you didn’t want to go to – or going to the movies at the last minute with your partner and having more fun than you anticipated. You know what I am talking about – spontaneity!

There is something to be said for structure, control and planning. However, there is so much more life, wonder and possibility in the act of being spontaneous. Try it! Maybe something magical will happen.  :))

 

 

 

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You can’t change people. I know. I’ve tried. Years ago (many, many years ago) driving home from our honeymoon, I said to my husband that I would leave him if he did not quit smoking. I felt that as his wife I had the right to insist that he take care of himself. For one year, he smoked a pipe and then went back to cigarettes. Twenty-six years later he died of lung cancer. He was 48 years old and looked 78. A tragic waste of life. A good man. I tried but I was helpless to stop him.

Years later I am with my second husband, again driving in the car. (I actually believe we were driving back from our honeymoon! Will I never learn?) I was begging him not to gain weight. This was really foolish. He wasn’t overweight at the time. I was simply paranoid. Now that we were married, and I was basically “stuck” with him, he might become fat and unattractive. This is how my mind worked back then. Silly girl. Not a similar ending to the last story but he basically ignored me.

Now that I am a fairly wise “old” woman, I realize that you cannot force – coerce- threaten or even change another human being without their desire to change. The only person you can successfully change is yourself.

Albert Einstein once wisely said, “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” What is it about us humans, especially women, who think they have the power to change someone? If we would just ask nicely; if we would give them an ultimatum (like I did). If they really loved us, blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t work! A person will change only when they decide they want to or that changing is in their best interest. (It happens.)

I know there are many young women out there who think they found the perfect lump of clay. All they have to do is spend their lifetime molding him into what they envision as the perfect spouse! How hard could it be? STOP! Find the guy who already meets most (or the most important) criteria and don’t even think you can change him. If that’s okay with you, then marry him.

I had a doctor/friend once who said to me when I got engaged for the second time (and rather quickly, I might add), “What you see is what you get, and it’s usually less.” At the time I didn’t want to believe him but he was right. You don’t meet and marry the prince charming from the fairy tale. You marry the right man for you and then he becomes your prince charming – the reality version – not the fairy tale one.

Woe to the lady who thinks she can mold her man to her liking. She will either end up disappointed, disillusioned or divorced. I’m sure there are men like that out there who want to change their mates, but my guess is they are few and far between. Men seem to be easier to please. We could take a lesson from them.

By the way, when you love someone just the way they are, they “magically” turn into the most wonderful, adoring partner you could ever dream of. For real. :))

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I get nervous when I have to drive somewhere I have never been. I have a fear of getting lost. I will print out mapquest directions and choose the easiest route, even if it means lengthening my trip by several minutes.

The other night I was leaving a location in Riverside and knew how to get to my next destination, my son’s house in Corona. My husband, who was in his own car, wanted to stop for dinner on the way. Initially my response was –  No, let’s just go straight back to the house. I don’t want to get lost!  He was determined to stop for dinner  and so I gave in. As I was driving to the restaurant, it dawned on me. My self doubt was unrealistic. I had navigated much more difficult routes in the past. Why should this one throw me off? My self talk was overriding my self confidence, which I have noticed is not an  infrequent occurrence.

Deep down I knew I would find my way to the restaurant and then to the house. But the little voice inside my head was trying to sabotage me! I relaxed once I figured out what was going on. I actually made it back to the house before my husband did.

I confess that the nasty little self doubt creeps up on me in other scenarios, like riding my horse. I have a challenge. I know on some level that I can meet it. Then the voice in my head tries to get me to believe that I can’t for whatever reason. Depending on how I am feeling that day, I will either listen to it or ignore it completely. On the days that I ignore it, I achieve my goals. You can guess what happens when I listen to that little voice. I end up discouraged and down on myself.

Self doubt can be a powerful road block between you and what you want to achieve. Next time you’re trying something new and the voice chimes in, ask yourself if it speaks the truth. If it is just trying to ruin your day and you can reasonably assume that what you are about to try is achievable, then tell your self doubting voice to take a hike. There is something you wish to do and don’t have time for its defeatist warnings. The real you knows best what you can and cannot accomplish. Listen for that voice. You will know the difference because one will sound logical and the other will trigger your emotions. Believe in yourself. It is the shortest path to achievement and happiness.  :))

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In the last few years I have gotten much better at tuning in to my body and paying attention to what it tells me. Maybe that’s because I’m so much older now! Yes, I believe as we age our body talks to us more than ever before, and every year with more frequency. By listening to your body I don’t mean that as soon as you feel pain you reach for the nearest painkiller in your medicine cabinet. No – although some of us have been doing that for years. I’m talking about subtle whisperings as well as the loud voice of pain.

When you start really listening to your body and then accommodating it, I believe it will return the favor. If your body says, “I’m really tired today. Please take it easy.” That is not the time to say, “Oh, you’re just being a wuss. Get out there and go the gym! How do you think you’re going to stay in shape?” How many people actually listen and do what their body asks? I have no idea but my guess would be a small number. Why? Because today it is all about doing, accomplishing, succeeding. No rest for the weary, right?

At my wise old age (although I don’t feel old) I’m not only listening more but doing what I’m told. As a result, I believe I have a symbiotic relationship with my body. “If I listen to you, will you take care of me?”

“Yes.”

“Alright then.”

Sometimes I will get a pain ( I used to work for a man who said after the age of 50 there isn’t a day that goes by when something doesn’t hurt!) but know instinctively that it is nothing serious. I then practice something that my husband taught me. “Don’t give it any energy.” That means don’t focus on it. Focus on something completely different. Have you ever noticed that whatever you give your attention to will grow? If my feet hurt, for example, and I concentrate on how much they hurt, do you think that the pain will go away or get worse? Guess what? It gets worse! I remember being on vacation years ago and I woke up with a severe pain on the bottom of my left foot. (I learned later that it was plantar fasciitis.) I checked it out and decided that it was a very inconvenient time for me to have it since I was on vacation.  I told it to go away! It left me within minutes and I have never had since!

Before I subject my feet to high heels I make a deal with them. If you help me wear these heels for the next four hours, I promise to remove them and set you free afterwards. Does this sound strange to you? Probably. But do you know what? It works, every time.

I once read about the co-founder of the Unity Church, Myrtle Fillmore.  (Read her book, “Healing Letters”. It is inspirational.) She was struck with tuberculosis as well as other ailments when she was a fairly young woman.  And this was in the 1800s, not today with our advancements in medicine and technology. She started meditating every day. She would go through her body and bless each part, thanking it for the work it does for her. (There is more to the story. Look it up if interested.) After doing this for several months she was cured and lived to be 86! So when one of my body parts is unhappy, I bless it with gratitude and let my negative thoughts float away.

There is so much written about mind over matter and cases of miracles occurring every day in the areas of health and well being. It is up to you to believe or not believe. I personally choose to believe.

I get up every morning, get on the floor and stretch as well as exercise. This morning, out of the blue, I heard from my arms, “No pushups or planks today, please. We need a break.” I listened.

Listening to your body and getting to understand what it is saying is as important to me as having an annual checkup. No one knows your body better than you do. Pay attention to what it says. If you don’t, it will only get louder and may become something you would rather not deal with. You take care of your body and it will reward you for it.   :))

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I consider myself to be a fairly responsible and mature adult. I don’t think about it. I just go about my day and take certain things for granted, like I will respond to life with dignity and poise and rarely, if ever, lose my cool. I was stopped short recently when I read an email on my phone from someone I rarely hear from. I immediately felt a pang of jealousy so strong it threw me off my usual equilibrium! I didn’t like feeling that way. It was highly unpleasant and left me, in addition to feeling jealous, feeling depressed. The little voice in my head told me, you could stew in this and be miserable or you could choose to feel differently about it.

I’m smart enough to know that when you change your attitude about something, you can make yourself feel better both physically and mentally. And so that is what I did. But it wasn’t that fast. It took me a while to actually get there. To believe in my new reaction I had to settle in and talk myself into the new outlook. I have to admit that even now (3 days later), I am only 90% there. And that may not change. That may be as far as I get and that’s okay. It’s much better than the feelings I had initially.

The whole process started me thinking.  As ‘together’ as we often believe ourselves to be, once in a while something comes along to test us. Sometimes we pass and sometimes we fail. But no worries, the failure can be turned around in minutes, hours, days, months or even years later. That is the beauty of free will and choice. We can always choose to see things differently, anytime we wish.

In my case, I needed to choose again in order to rid myself of the yucky feelings I had. I don’t like being depressed or pitiful. It doesn’t sit well with me. I’d rather be happy and see things in a positive light. It’s the way I choose to live my life. That’s not to say that I don’t ever get thrown off my solid foundation. I am human, just like you. I try to be aware, whenever something happens, of how I initially feel about it. That helps me decide whether or not I need to look at the situation differently.  Stop focusing on your feelings for a minute and go into your head. Ask yourself if your current view is promoting your well being or sabotaging it. Then it’s up to you. As I have said before, there are some people who choose to be miserable over their circumstances.  When disappointing things happen, it validates their position and they soldier on with their even heavier burden.

To me, being mature is dealing effectively with the irritants and pitfalls of life. It mean adapting when necessary and changing your attitude when dictated for your own happiness. It’s not always easy, but the benefits to your soul are well worth the effort.

Choose to be happy!  :))

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A dear friend of mine is going through a very difficult time. Because of this, everything seems dark in her world. Even minor inconveniences look and feel much larger than they really are. This is a dangerous place to be. When one challenge is facing you, everything else in your life, no matter the weight, takes on a much darker image.  This creates a downward spiral with you at the center. Negative thinking feeds upon negative thinking. What started out as a small or medium sized monster has become King Kong and your hope for survival diminishes with every passing day.

What can be done? It’s called perspective and it can and should become your new best friend. How does it work? When you are experiencing a challenge in your life, try to see it in the grand scheme of things. What is the worst that could happen? Is it life threatening or less than? If, like my friend, more than one thing hits you in a short period of time, you really need to look at everything realistically. The second thing that happened, is it more or less threatening than the first challenge? Perspective means you are seeing something in the context of other, similar issues. Which is worse – getting a parking ticket or falling and spraining your ankle? Breaking your arm or needing open heart surgery? Finding out you have curable cancer or learning that you have a terminal disease? You get the idea. My father used to say, “Everything is relative.”

When I was three years old my mother delivered her third child who was born dead. She clearly was devastated and for a while inconsolable. The only thing that brought her out of it was meeting another woman in the hospital who had not only lost one child but was visiting her terminally ill remaining child. My mother had two healthy daughters at home. As horrible as her experience was, she counted her blessings as she reflected on the other woman’s fate. A beautiful demonstration of perspective.

Gaining perspective is not going to diminish your pain or instantly make your life rosy again. But it will put you in a more positive space where solving problems and meeting challenges can be more effectively accomplished.

The next time you are faced with one or more serious problems, think of a scenario that would be worse and then count your blessings, knowing that your woes are not as bad as they could be. I am reminded of a beautiful message, “If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.” Can I get an “Amen”?      :))

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The creatures that survived evolution were the ones who changed or adapted to their environments.  Some fish grew legs and their lungs developed so that they could breathe air. They walked on land instead of swimming in the ocean. Man learned how to make tools, build a fire, communicate and feed himself.

I see a clear parallel to our lives as humans today. Those of us who can find ways to re-create ourselves and make our new situation work for us are happier, better adjusted and in general more successful at life. Ponder this for a moment. Do you agree?

The first life challenge that comes to mind is loss. Loss of a partner or spouse (through divorce or death), loss of a job (perhaps necessitating a move out of state), loss of your home, loss of your health. Loss stops us in our proverbial tracks. Our normal every day rhythms cease to exist. We feel out of touch with reality and even disoriented. I have talked about grieving before and how it takes time and patience. The end result is always the same – your life will be different now because of what happened. How do you deal with that?

This is where change and adaptation come in. For discussion purposes, let’s talk about someone whose spouse or partner has either died or filed for divorce. More than likely your initial response is one of shock and disbelief. I think disbelief follows every traumatic experience. And then numbness lives with you for a short time. Numbness is the body’s way of dealing with the horrific pain of what happened.

After you accept the fact that what has occurred is indeed real, you have to decide how to go on with your life in the best way possible. Some people choose not to. Not that they all commit suicide, but some just wait out the remainder of their days as either victims or non-willing participants. They have neither the energy nor the desire to embrace life. This would especially apply to a couple married for over 50 years after one of them dies; the other is left behind feeling lost and empty. The emptiness for them may never go away. Understandable, yes. Inevitable? No.

Let’s say that your spouse or partner has left and there is no hope of them ever coming back. After you go through the shock, disbelief and the grieving, what do you do? I am going to suggest the following possible choices for positive change, followed by adaptation.

1. Do a self survey. What role could I have possibly played in this scenario? Ask trusted friends and family members (who have your best interests in mind) how they see you as a person. Go to a one on one counseling session (maybe more) or group therapy session of people in similar circumstances. (There is great power in groups.) Buy one or more self-help books that speak to you.

2. Try something new. Take a class, join a gym, go on a diet? Go back to school to finish a degree. These things will increase your self worth and the ability to handle day to day living.

3. Plastic surgery? – Only if in doing so it will make you more self confident. Not to turn you into someone you are not.

These are for the most part physical changes. What about the adaptation part? To me that is mental, having more to do with attitude.

1. Change your perspective. You are not a loser or a victim. Your life has changed but you can still be wonderful and happy in it.

2. Surrender to the situation you are in. There is an expression, “Ride the horse in the direction that it’s going”. Accept the fact that you cannot change what is. You can only change how you respond to it.

3. Take it one day at a time.

You get the idea. Make both exterior and interior changes that are valuable to your self esteem. Get to know yourself and then move on with your life, feeling positive and hopeful. Obviously this takes time. Give that gift to yourself. This isn’t a race.

Life changes all the time. Our lives are impacted by little things and occasionally big things. Learning how to change ourselves and adapt gives us a better chance at happiness and future joys.

The power is within you.      :))

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On Saturday I will be at my first dressage show with my new horse. The last time I was in a show was September, 2013.  Ruby (my horse) has shown before as a hunter-jumper. This will be her first dressage show. I started to imagine being at the beginning of the test, about to trot into the arena. I imagined saying to myself, “You’ve got this!” I plan on telling myself that several times before we begin. I think it will help build confidence.

I have always thought that the very best gift you could give your children (or certainly one of the best) is confidence. Believing in yourself can make the difference between success and failure; between getting the most out of life or just sitting on the sidelines and buying time. Success starts in your head! Have you ever heard of two people vying for the same position and even though one of them was more qualified, the less qualified person got the job? Yes! You want to know why? Confidence. We like to be around, hire, date, marry, associate with people who believe in themselves. Self-confident people can be infectious, making us want to do better. They can inspire us to go for something we are afraid to fail at.

Self-confidence is sexy. A person who believes in themselves is like a magnet, making us want to be with them. Self-confidence can turn a plane Jane or homely Harry into a desirable mate. Interesting, right?

Becoming an author for the first time wasn’t nearly as difficult as trying to sell my books. I have never been very good at self-promotion. It is very challenging and certainly out of my comfort zone. But I had to develop some of those skills if I wanted to get my books out there. I have learned and stretched but I still have a long way to go.

So it’s been almost two years since I participated in a dressage show. This is not the big leagues, by any measure; but for me, a lofty challenge. Why? Sure, I know the two tests I will be riding backwards and forwards. I have known them for almost three years! But I am not going into that show arena alone. I have another living creature with me. She must understand my cues (which, by the way, have to be subtle enough so that no one knows you have asked for anything) and I must give the cues correctly. Nerves have no place here but you know some will show up. They hinder your ability to focus and focus is very critical for those few minutes in front of the judges.

Ruby and I have a few challenges as a team. We have only been working together for three months. That’s not very long. But she is a great horse with a good mind and great work ethic. She wants to get it right and tries hard to understand what you are asking of her. So, suffice it to say, if we mess up, it will probably be on me. Wait – that doesn’t sound very confident!

Next time you are about to do something out of your comfort zone, dig deep to the place your true self resides. Bring that person to the surface and say loudly and clearly with every fiber of your being – “I’VE GOT THIS!”

Believe it and then see what happens.  :))

 

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????? This is a vanity plate I saw the other day. It didn’t take me long to figure out what it was trying to say, “Worry Wart”. Hmm, I thought to myself. That could apply to a lot of people. Some of us are consumed with worry at different times in our lives. And what is the payback for so much worry? NOTHING! Zero good comes from worry.

I said the following words to a troubled friend recently, “Stop worrying. It changes nothing.” I didn’t think before speaking. The words spilled out of my mouth much like they spill out of my brain and onto the paper when I’m writing. My friend agreed with me and walked away. I was left with my wise words as they floated around in my head. That’s a good one, Sarah. It’s very true!

Worry changes nothing. It has no impact on whatever it is you are worried about. The outcome will be what it’s going to be. No amount of worrying will alter it. Not to mention that as you worry, you feel lousy, stressed out and nervous. You can’t sleep. You don’t eat well. You may even be crabby to those around you. “I’ve got something on my mind,” you tell your family and friends, to explain away your apparent distance, your lack of attention to them, your moodiness, etc. Positive experience? I don’t think so.

Given all of the above, why do we worry? We worry about things we have no control over. When we have no control we feed our imaginations which ultimately reveals all of the possible outcomes. When I fly I always worry. I don’t like flying but I do it to get somewhere I want to be. I worry from the time I get on the plane until we land, and then I breathe a sigh of relief that we arrived safely, no thanks to my worrying.

What is the opposite of worry?  Faith. Faith that all will be as it should be. Not that it will always turn out the way you wanted it to. You may not get your desired outcome but it will definitely not be impacted in any way by your worried state of mind. My plane did not land safely because I worried.

Sometimes when we worry it makes us feel hopeful, like worrying will get us the result we wanted. If we ignore it, surely something bad will occur. We must remain vigilant and pay attention, show the universe that we are thinking about what may happen.  We’re watching!  No, none of this is true. Your worrying changes nothing. It has no effect on the outcome. It is a completely wasted emotion.

Will we continue to worry, knowing that it does nothing? Of course! It’s what we do. We are humans who hate not being in control of our destiny, or what’s going happen tomorrow.

The next time you find yourself worrying about something, repeat this phrase, “Stop worrying. It changes nothing.” Try to have a little faith that you will be able to deal with whatever comes your way. You’ve made it this far.

I’ve said this before – do everything you can do to make it right and then let it go. The rest is not up to you. If you are a believer, give it over to God. There is tremendous power in doing that.

To quote an old song, “Don’t worry – be happy!”     Try it. Your life will be sweeter. :))

 

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