Tips for living well

My daughter-in-law gave me a gratitude journal for Christmas this year. I have never owned one but I loved the idea. I have been trying to focus more on all that I am grateful for, day by day, no matter how big or small the object of my gratitude.  I became dedicated to writing in the journal daily. I came pretty close, occasionally missing a day, rarely more. And then this happened.

I was sitting on the couch, facing the journal and my thoughts.  I couldn’t think of what to say. You see, at the moment I was not feeling very grateful at all. Circumstances in my life had shifted, leaving me at a loss for grateful words. Nothing was coming. I felt obstinate, rebellious. I have nothing good to say to you today, God.  Oh dear. What he must think of me.

Later that same day I found myself facing the orange book. I picked it up and this is what I wrote:

It can be a challenge to find gratitude when life gets tough. And here I am… I am still deeply grateful to my God for loving me and blessing me with this life. Thank you, God. Amen.

I felt satisfied with what I had written and that was that. The days that followed, however, left blank pages. I could not bring myself to write again. Nothing in my world had changed. I was still unhappy. I stared at the orange book on my coffee table. It stared back, shamefully reminding me of the empty pages. Daring me to miss another day, and another. How do you do this? How do you write, “Thank you God” when your heart is not in it? When the last thing you want to do is thank him for something. You just want to hide.

How do you remain grateful, even in the hardest of times? Because that is what God wants us to be. The more we appreciate all we have been given, the more will be given to us. But what to do when you are stuck? When you won’t move forward and you can’t go backward? What then?

This is not about mental health. I am only speaking about what to do when we feel unable to say, “Thank you, God,” about anything. There are times. There are moments. There are circumstances that shut you down and you cannot utter those words. You just can’t. Even though you know you should. Really, you should. So, what do you do?

You      find      something      small.   “Thank you, God, that I woke up this morning, to another day.”  “Thank you, God that I didn’t get that cold I thought I was coming down with.”  “Thank you, God that it didn’t rain today as scheduled and the sun is out.”  “Thank you, God for my friends.” “Thank you, God that I found my phone.”  You get the idea.

But it’s not just for God that we make a habit of being grateful. It actually changes the brain. It has been proven that you physically cannot complain (negative) and be grateful (positive) at the same time. Two different neuron paths. Being grateful is actually healthier and changes your mindset, which changes your outlook, which changes your day, your week, your life! Being grateful is like a free tonic to improve your world.

So, even when it is very, very hard to utter those words, think of something small to be grateful for and say it out loud. Or write it in your own orange book. Practice gratitude and you will feel better. I promise. God bless.

 

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I pride myself on being pretty positive most of the time. You can rarely catch me at a pity party or “woe is me-ing” to others. It doesn’t suit me nor do I find it productive or life affirming. However, my recent bout with Covid changed all that. At least it drove me to the dark side, albeit temporarily. About mid-way through the virus I was experiencing a severe cough (deep into my lungs which was frightening because I have asthma and compromising my lungs in any way is scary) and developed a bad case of nausea, not vomiting, just feeling sick to my stomach 24 hours a day. After my 10 days of self-isolation, my family came up from Southern California to spend a week with us. It was right before Christmas. What lousy timing, right? It seems I always get some kind of bug around this time of year. Maybe it’s stress related due to the long “to do” list I give myself every year. Regardless, this year was especially bad because I got the dreaded Covid virus.

In June my husband and I got the J&J vaccine, one and done. It was the only way he wanted to go, i.e., just one shot. I agreed so we did it. Thinking it would bring us more freedom (which it did for about a week then restrictions changed to include vaccinated folks as well as unvaccinated), we took the plunge. I have to say, however, that while I was suffering with the virus, I was VERY glad that we both got the shot. Being older and having an underlying condition I can well imagine what might have happened had we not gotten vaccinated. I would have more than likely ended up in the hospital and perhaps on a ventilator, over Christmas!

Okay, this is not an ad for the vaccines, although I do believe in them. My point today is to tell you I found myself smack dab in the middle of a pity party, complaining to anyone who would listen. Even while I was doing it I felt uncomfortable. That is not who I am, but there I was, bemoaning my fate. Shortly after I answered a text asking how I was feeling (boy did they get an earful!) I was looking online and found stories of children dying of cancer and hospitalized adults with Covid. In other words, people much worse off than me. I felt ashamed and quickly vowed to never complain again. Of course that’s not very realistic. It will happen again. We do that, we humans. We fall into the pit of sorrows. We rage over our circumstances. We lose our perspective. We forget there are others much worse off than we are. It reminds me of the parable of the man who complained he had no shoes until he met a man who had no feet.

It also brings to mind when my mother was in the hospital after losing her third child who was born dead. I was three years old at the time. My sister was 11. As you can imagine, my mother was devasted, almost lost her mind over it. Understandable. Until she met a woman in the same hospital who had previously lost a child and was about to lose her remaining child who was dying in the hospital. In addition to that, she could no longer have children. It was that woman’s story that brought back my mother’s perspective. She had two healthy daughters at home. She was going to be fine. Perspective is everything.

So next time you find yourself complaining about your life, pause and think about what your life is really like. Count your blessings. (That’s the fastest way to feel better.) But don’t condemn yourself for it. We are not perfect, never will be. We are flawed. We screw up. We do stupid things and then have to pay the consequences. Hopefully we learn from them. Be aware the next time you find yourself bitching and moaning. Stop for a second and take a hard look at your life. Make changes where called for. And give yourself grace. It’s okay. Move on. Until the next time you catch yourself at a pity party. Just don’t be the last one to leave. Go home and remember your blessings.  God bless.

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The other day a picture popped up on my phone as a memory. It was of a dear friend taken three years ago.  Without giving it a second thought I sent it to her thinking it would make her day. It was on the surface a beautiful picture of two people which evoked love and tenderness. The text response I got however was surprising. “That makes me sad.” Oh dear! That was not my intent. I never imagined that this lovely picture could conjure up anything but happiness. Was I wrong!

The picture was not of me. The only memory I had of it was when it was sent to me on my phone three years ago. I saw two beautiful people who loved each other and whom I loved. Not so for my friend. She saw a time of great pain and sorrow. A time when her life was falling apart and her dreams were being erased, one by one. How did I miss that? How could I have been so insensitive? I wasn’t trying to be. I felt so bad for sending it to her. She had all but forgotten that time in her life – or had she?

Regardless, I learned something that day. We don’t all see things the same. I became starkly aware that one man’s (or woman’s) joy could be another man’s pain.

After talking further with her, she did admit that she was able to see the love in the picture that I was seeing. It was just that the circumstances surrounding the picture brought back painful memories.

I then reminded her (having lived through that time with her) that the picture could be viewed through the light and joy of her life today. She had come so far in her journey, had grown so much and was now living her very best life. Perhaps when we remember times of pain or sorrow we should try experiencing those times through who we are now, i.e., from a place of strength, from the stronger foundation that we have built over time. We are no longer the person in the picture, only in the memory.

If we feel anything for that person in the picture, or for the memory, shouldn’t it be love and compassion? Perhaps forgiveness for mistakes made or poor choices? How about being proud of who you are today as you look back over time?

Memories often come without warning. They can be triggered by a picture, a song on the radio, a fragrance, an article of clothing, a movie, a comment, etc. If the memory brings with it feelings of pain or sorrow, try loving and/or forgiving who you were back then and give the same gifts to anyone else involved. See if that doesn’t give you a sense of peace, a feeling of comfort in the present moment. Maybe even closure.

We are human and therefore flawed. It helps to remember our past with love and forgiveness. Just like He does. God bless.

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Sitting at a stop light this morning I looked across to the other side of the highway. There was a bus facing me and its flashing sign read “Masks Required”.  My imagination took off as I pondered the options for such a sign.  How about “God required”? Or “Love required”? What about “Humility”? These are the three “values” I came up with as a follower of Christ. This is what my own personal sign would reflect.  In order to follow Christ, you must have God in your life. No news there. But God won’t barge in uninvited. Surprised? Did you think he would come into your life just to rule it? Or because he thought you were messing up? Nope. If you tell God, “I’ve got this. I don’t need you,” he will walk away, respecting your wishes. He only comes into your life when he is invited; sincerely, from the heart, absolutely invited. He wants you to be the one to decide that you need him and want him to come into your heart and take charge of your life. This was a strange concept for me initially. I always had God in my life but it wasn’t until 2015 that I asked him to take over. He was waiting for that. Ever since Adam and Eve betrayed him in the Garden of Eden and the early Jews repeatedly turned their backs on him he has been watching us, waiting and hoping we would come back.  It would have to be our choice, our free will, that took the first step.

In Matthew 22:37 a Pharisee in the crowd asks Jesus this question in order to trap him,  “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'”  In the Bible we learn that “love” is a verb. It is action taken or not taken. Loving your neighbor does not mean you must embrace them as a great friend. You may not even like them. It means that you are kind, that you help those less fortunate, that you offer forgiveness where needed  and that you demonstrate respect.  In today’s tough political climate, love for your fellow man has become a rarity and certainly loving someone you disagree with is much more so. Hate is the popular emotion today and it is destroying our society faster than Covid19.

Humility. What exactly does that mean? As Christians, we are called to be humble, putting others’ needs before our own. Allowing God to come in and control our lives, making us the best versions of ourselves, bringing glory to him.  Luke 14:11 – For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.  Being humble means not boasting, not being prideful, holding others up instead of  yourself.

Three axioms “God required” “Love required” and “Humility required.” Apply these to your life and watch how it changes you for the better. God bless.

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I don’t know about you but whenever I get weighed at the doctor’s office I turn away. I don’t want to know. I’ve been doing this for years, many years. I like to walk around and imagine what my weight is. I can tell by the way my clothes fit. I don’t need to know the number. Sound familiar? Recently I tried on a few pair of summer pants I had not worn in over a year. I don’t have to wear jeans all the time, I thought. So I grabbed three pair of my favorites.  First pair I could not get closed. Second pair I could not get closed. Third pair I got closed but would be arrested if I wore them outside! What the heck? What’s going on here? Did they shrink? Of course I knew that was not the case. Easing up on my diet over the past year had come with consequences. I’M FAT! I said out loud, although no one was around to hear me. I then went downstairs to proclaim this to my husband, whom I was sure would correct me, maybe even tell me the pants I tried on had shrunk. The he would say I was still as thin as I thought I was. Not to worry.        Nope. That is not what he said. Well, you know, when you get older your body shifts and things get redistributed and.… I stopped him from getting in deeper than he already was. No! I will not accept that! I’m fat and I have to do something about it…NOW!

To add insult to injury I decided to go online for the results of my recent check-up which was the prior week. I looked for my weight. There it was. The ugliest number I have come across in ages. My weight. I’d been walking around at least ten pounds lighter in my head. Was this a conspiracy? Ignorance is bliss, right? Reality can be harsh!

It got me thinking. What other harsh truths about myself am I hiding from? How easy it is to do this. We WANT to believe certain things about ourselves, whether they are completely accurate or not. If no one tells us, we get away with it.  And if someone does tell us, we are shocked, not pretend shocked either, really shocked!  The excuses come flooding into the brain all starting with the word “But”.  We try to make it not true.  We must make it not true in order to go our merry way. Sometimes our merry way is make believe.

Sometimes it’s pretty serious, the gap between what we believe about ourselves and the truth. We find out when our partner of so many years leaves us or when we get fired from our job or when our children blame their current condition on our lack of (fill in the blank). Harsh reality. It was easier believing the good lie.

There is the opposite condition as well. Believing bad things about yourself that are not true. That has separate and different repercussions. Subject for another time.

Living alone can be the perfect environment for self delusion. There is no one there to disagree with you, except maybe your dog. But you know how dogs are, they love you not matter what, as long you feed them. Cats, well, are different. But they can’t talk so… Not to disparage people who live alone. It just makes it more challenging to be honest with yourself.  When you have a good partner or a good friend, they are supposed to be the mirror. They should let you know when you have stepped outside of your character.  That’s how it works. You keep each other honest. Letting someone get away with bad behavior does not help anyone. That’s not friendship.

I have ordered a smart scale which will monitor my progress and also give me valuable info like body fat. I am working with my trainer to develop an exercise program and diet to help me reach my goals. I’m on a mission. No more self delusion about my weight.   The moral of this story? Check in with your friends, your kids or your partner every once in a while. Ask “How am I doing?” You may not always want to hear the answer but if you take the time now, you may save yourself serious grief later. God bless.

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Mark Batterson:

The circumstances you complain about become chains that imprison you. And worship is the way out. Worship reframes our problems and refocuses our lives. It helps us get through the bad days by reminding us of how good God is. And when you are worshipful, your eyes are more open to notice the miracles that are happening around you all the time. One way or the other, your focus determines your reality. The outcome of your life will be determined by your outlook  on life.

This was taken from our online sermon today.  I thought it was such a good reminder of how we should be living our lives, especially in the midst of Covid19 and how it has impacted all of us in a variety of ways, some of which are good and some very bad.  Although we have lost many freedoms, we still have our minds with the ability to think and create our own world. This is where we can get into serious trouble.  I repeat, The outcome of your life will be determined by your outlook on life.

I don’t know about you but these days I waiver between depression and joy, between hopelessness and faith. You may be in a similar frame of mind. The words of Mark Batterson, an American pastor and author, serve to remind us how refocusing can bring us ultimately to a better life. Better in circumstances? Maybe not. But better in outlook which produces thoughts and actions that will lead to surviving our circumstances and growing from them. It can bring us closer to God and what is most meaningful in life.

Yes, but how do you go about refocusing your mind in the middle of a life that is chaotic, uncertain and unfair? When your eyes tell you that you are losing your grip on the good life and may never recover? How do we rise above and get to that place of freedom,  peace and joy?

Mark is offering us a way to get there, worship God.  For me,  worship is listening to Christian radio (literally all I listen to now, with very few exceptions). Or singing along at church, which I love to do. Now church is online but they still perform the songs for us. To me, worship is giving praise to God. It can be expressed in song, in how I live my life, reading the bible or conversing with God, generally through prayer. Honoring the father in whatever way feels right to you.

When Paul was in prison in chains with his arms stretched to their painful most for hours, what did he do? Did he complain? Did he give up on God? Did he make the decision to change careers? All would have been natural and normal responses under the circumstances. But no, he sang hymns! He praised God in the middle of his great suffering.  The Bible is filled with examples of people seeing past their suffering to a place of giving gratitude and honor to God. The greatest of these examples of course is Jesus himself.

Change your focus in order to change your reality.  Bring back joy to your life through worship. Then see how your life changes. Stay healthy and may God bless you.

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Worry comes about when we feel out of control. That’s scary. Predicting our future is not possible. Who is in charge if we aren’t?

Surrender, on the other hand, is letting go of your need to control. Some things are just unknowable like when will things get back to “normal”? or Will I get the virus? or Will my loved ones get it? It frustrates us because we cannot predict. We can only give our best guess, estimation, our hope. The answers evade us. They are out there somewhere in the future, hidden from our current experience. But can’t that be said for the future in general? We don’t ever know what the future holds, not really. We can plan for it. We can hope and pray. We can move forward with confidence knowing we have prepared well. Then it hits us,  nothing in the future is guaranteed. We do our best yet when the time comes we get what we get.

But surrender? That sounds so defeatist, so final, so submissive. I’m not a fatalist you say, why should I surrender? I want to fight! I want to take charge of my future! You can, up to a point, but the final outcome may look different from what you imagined. The actual future may not be what you planned.

We must be flexible with our dreams, our plans, our goals. Having them is a good thing but so is being able to shift when necessary. Maybe you even have to take a different path because of a road block. Some road blocks can be opened up; others are permanent. Be okay with that. Be ready for that. Challenging, but not impossible.  Haven’t you ever planned for something big only to have it not show up and then months later been so grateful that it never materialized because what did show up was so much better?

In light of our current world situation, my advice to you is not to worry about what might happen. Surrender your worries to God, the one who is ultimately in charge. May God’s will be done. Not our will. The good news is that sometimes our wills line up and then we get what we want! Woo-hoo!

Surrender your will to the one who knows all. Make a conscious effort not to worry. His plan is far greater than anything you could imagine.

Worry produces nothing good. Surrender will give you freedom to do what’s best for you in the present moment, knowing that God has your back. Try it. Have faith and believe. God bless.

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Coronavirus. I’ve said it all. You are not only familiar with the disease but with all of its ramifications as well, school closings, gym closings, restaurant closings, event cancellations. You might even be one of those who is more deeply impacted because you cannot go to work or worse yet, you have the virus. Hopefully you will recover. We should all “recover” from both the real dangers and the imagined ones. Bottom line, life is challenging, crazy making and overwhelming right now. What to do?

Aside from the positive suggestions I have heard lately, like doing more things with your family at home, eating together, playing board games, TALKING WITH EACH OTHER – I would like to share with you what I am trying to do, daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute. I practice changing my mind. I, like most of you, find myself caught up in the panic, the fear and stress over things that MIGHT happen as a result of this terrible outbreak. Will we lose all of our retirement funds due to a stock market gone wild? Will either I or my husband (older folks with some underlying health issues) get this disease and not recover? Will the U.S. become a third world country? Will life NEVER be the same? To avoid going down any of these very dark roads, I rise above it all. I look at the constants. I count my blessings.  I focus on God and his promises for the next life. I feel his presence and as a result the fears over what might happen evaporate before my eyes. What you focus on is the direction you will go.

Do I watch the news? Yes, but in limited amounts.  Then I get lost in a wonderful movie or series that holds my interest. I read the Bible and listen to God tell me not to fear. I read a good book. I exercise! At home, of course. My gym is closed. I change my mind about how awful things are and see how good God is. I know I am not alone in any of this chaos. He is with me during all of it, comforting me with his words, holding me in his arms like my earthly father did when I was a small child. Or how my mother would comfort me when I was frightened or sad. “There, there,” she would say. “Mommy knows. It’s alright. I’m here.” When we are grown and our parents are no longer around, it’s nice to know our heavenly father is there to give us the peace and comfort we got as children.

Re-focus your thoughts. Do what you need to do to stay safe and healthy. Use common sense and make the adjustments, albeit inconvenient and annoying, but smart. Do the necessary and then change your mind. See the wonders of nature, think of things or if you can, do things that bring you joy, like holding your child, your dog, your cat, your horse! In the bible Jesus tell us 365 times to “Fear not.” There was a reason for that.

Distract yourself with things that make you happy. Turn off the news. Thank God for what you have. Change your mind! God bless.

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The future. What will happen? Today, tomorrow, this weekend, next week, next year? Tonight? How do we cope with the unknowns of life? Or rather, how do control freaks like me deal with it? We try not to think about it. But that doesn’t always work. All it takes is, well, thinking about it.

As intelligent beings we try to control the future. We make plans. We get ready for possible outcomes. We fill our homes with enough food and water to last three months. I heard once that when we make plans, God laughs.   Not always, I don’t think, but certainly sometimes. We think we can control the future. Spoiler alert – we can’t.  And that makes people who get that very nervous. What to do? In a word, surrender. Control the things you can control, like preparing for disaster, being flexible for various outcomes,  being mentally prepared for when things don’t go well. Then relax and let go.

I like the word surrender because it connotes freedom to me. Freedom from worry, anxiety, stress. Freedom to enjoy the present while you surrender to the future, whatever the future will bring. Does that solve everything? No, of course not. There are some things we are never prepared to face. You can’t prepare. Then you have to go into coping mode,  doing what you can to get through it. You take comfort in friends, family and God. You pray, not only for things to get better but to have the strength to get through it. And then surrender.

Nothing is certain. Nothing lasts forever. There are no guarantees.  I was thinking about this the other day and decided that the only way to get through this unpredictable life is to surrender to it. For believers, that means surrendering to God’s plan, knowing that he makes all things work for the good of those who love and follow him.  Time to trust.

Even with all of that going for us, it does not make it any easier to deal with things that hit us in the face when we least expect it.  The only thing I can suggest when that happens is to go deep. Inside of  you are all the tools you need to get through anything, yes, anything.  Stay close to God and know you are not alone.

This sounds a bit depressing, doesn’t it? Let’s go back to the beginning, before anything happened to us. Surrender your need to control the future because you can’t control the future. Prepare mentally for possibilities. Prepare physically, emotionally for different outcomes. Then live your life knowing that something greater than you is at work in your life and has your best interests at hand. Our job is to live a good life, love and share with others and leave a positive mark on as many hearts as we can. Break off the shackles pinning you down and fly!  God says, “Go love on people! I’ve got you! Be free!” We were not meant to spend our days in worry about what might or might not happen.  Now go live your life! God bless.

 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

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It’s November in Portland, Oregon and 98% of the trees around me have given up their leaves in anticipation of winter. I look at the 2% and wonder, Why are they holding on? Don’t they know that they can’t stop winter from coming? Why aren’t they letting go?

It makes me think of humans and how we hold on to things/places/people/beliefs when perhaps it would be better for us to let them go. Why do we do that? My theory is that it gives us a feeling of security, holding on to the familiar, even when we may know, deep down, that it’s not a good idea to do so. Especially if what we are holding on to is hurting us in some way. Perhaps it is even toxic.

I held on to a relationship of three years long past the time I knew it was not a healthy one. I kept hoping things would change and I would finally get my fairy tale ending. Holding on did nothing to change the outcome. He left me and rather than feeling empowered, I felt lost and abandoned by someone I trusted. Where did I go wrong? Had I left earlier, when I saw the proverbial writing on the wall, I would still have felt the pain, but I would have been more in charge of my own life. Lesson learned.

I held on to my horse longer than I should have. I knew we weren’t going to make it unless I gave in to staying at the same level with her and never advancing. It hurt like hell to let her go but it was the smart move. Keeping her with me did not give either one of us the opportunity to grow and have a meaningful life. I tried for months to put the square peg in the round hole, to no avail. I played the ” If I just….. then it will work out” game for way too long.

I held on to an ideal all through my young adulthood of what marriage should look like. I wasn’t completely wrong. It should be a mutually satisfying union between two people who love and respect one another. But that’s where the similarity ended. Is it anything like the movies suggested? Is it a fairy tail? Does all relationship work stop when you say “I do?” No! It begins! And boy are there bumpy roads ahead. But if you are with someone tried and true, you have nothing to worry about. You will get through the bumpy times with hard work and love.

I’ve held on to an idea for too long. I thought for many months that I was “supposed to be” a hospital chaplain. I did my research, interviewed other chaplains, talked to hospital administrators, only to find at every turn the door slam in my face. After several dead ends, I finally gave up on the idea.

Think about what you might be holding on to that you need to let go. Maybe it’s a false impression of someone. Maybe the false impression is of you! Maybe you have been telling yourself for a long time that you are not good enough for something or someone. You’re too old to try something new. You’re not worthy of the good in your life. Is it time to let those beliefs go away to die? Think about what is serving you and your best life and what is not. Give it some serious thought and then if necessary, let it go. You will find yourself moving faster toward a better life. Holding on to things when it’s time to let them go may feel secure, but it is actually preventing you from moving forward, and in most cases, from being happy again.

Just like we should clean out our closets once a year, it’s also good to clean out your life. Let go of anything that does not contribute to your well being. Then watch yourself grow. God bless.

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