Things to ponder

I grew up in a Christian home with both a healthy fear and a love of God. The idea of ever being angry with God never entered my young mind. You might as well become an atheist. There would be no turning back once you expressed your wrath to the one who gave you life, the one who created the universe in which you lived. Blasphemy!

I held on to those views for many years. Sure, I would get upset if something bad happened but I never crossed the line, the point of no return. I looked to more earthly culprits, anything but to point my finger at the great one. I resisted even when my first marriage was on very shaky ground while living in Iran. My world had turned upside down and misery was my daily companion. I chose to blame myself and turned to God for comfort.

Not until January of 2015 when I had to put down my horse, Barbie, did I actually feel genuine anger toward Him. I had prayed and prayed (as did several others) for her to survive. Once I knew that wasn’t going to happen, I begged God to take her rather than me having to voluntarily end her life. That would be murder. Don’t make me do that, please! Of course that is exactly what I ended up having to do. I realized a few days later that if God had answered my prayer I would have missed out on one of the most beautiful, spiritual moments of my life. My face on her face as she passed. My tears running down my cheeks onto her “cheeks”. Being with her in that moment when she made her transition. Sad, yes, of course. But a singular moment of true connection and love. I was wrong. God was right.

Now I have a reason for fervent prayer. I have been begging God again to hear my pleas and grant me what I see as the optimal result. Rather than turn everything around, rather than grant the miracle I so desire, things have gotten worse. Are you kidding me? I looked to God with disbelief. Seriously? Worse, God? I know how you always make things work out for the good of those who believe in and follow you but I am at a loss here to see what possible good could come out of this one! Maybe someone will die because of it. Maybe two will die. How is that good? Please tell me, God, because clearly I can’t see it! Sorry but I don’t feel like talking to you right now and I certainly don’t feel like praising you or thanking you. I don’t understand people who can do that in the middle of a crisis, while suffering or crying out for help to no avail.

For two days I felt this way. I continued to meet with Him in the morning but had little to say except for why, God? I cut the time short and went about my business. By the third day there was a glimmer of hope that things might get better. I felt cautious optimism but I was afraid to trust that all would be well. I had been there before only to watch things come crashing down weeks or even months later. No, I am not jumping for joy but I have gained some insight over the last 48 hours.

I spoke about it with a Christian friend of mine. Is it okay to get mad at God? Does that make him angry and want to retaliate? I pretty much knew that would not be the case, but I asked anyway. You can never have too much insight when it comes to God. First of all, I was told it is absolutely okay to be mad at God. What He wants most is a relationship with us, in the good times and even in the not so good times. A dialogue. She called it “wrestling with God”. It is talked about in the bible. Jacob wrestled with God in the book of Genesis, and it was a physical act. Jacob survived and his name was changed to Israel.

I like the image of me wrestling with God. It demonstrates a relationship. I had to go back in my memory and dig up what I know to be true about prayer. You don’t always receive answered prayer. We don’t always see the bigger picture until later, with the passage of time. Just like I did regarding my horse story. This is why it is important when we pray to always say, “Thy will, God, not mine.” He works for our greater good even when we can’t see it.

It is important to note that my prayers were for someone else’s life, not my own, which makes it harder. I have no control over someone else’s behavior. It is a painful truth we must accept or go crazy trying to fight it. In cases like these, we must turn over our worries to God. He’s in charge. We are not. All we can do is pray and ask for the best possible outcome. Sometimes we get what we want but it happens later than we had hoped for. Time is so important to us humans, but God’s timing has nothing to do with earthly time. And so we must ask for something “in God’s time”. And then the outcome may look different from our original request, but ultimately serves a better purpose. We have to learn to accept that as well.

So where does that leave me? Putting my eyes on Him and trusting that all will be as it should be. I rest in His arms when I am weary and keep Him close as I go about my day. Letting go is supremely difficult for us. A hard lesson to learn but one we must if we want peace and joy in our lives.  My prayer for you is that you learn how to find peace and joy today and every day. God bless.

 

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I was going over my litany of prayer requests to God this morning when a thought hit me. None of this will matter in Heaven.  Wait a minute, you mean the suffering of the world will not matter?  I should not worry about people I love who are going through a tough time now? The daily disasters, tragedies and horrific events have no meaning beyond the physical realm?

I had to stop and think. Sometimes when thoughts come into my head it is difficult to differentiate the ones that are self generated and those I believe are coming from a higher power, i.e., God. What exactly did this one mean?

After much thought, I came to the conclusion that the troubles you experience today, the worries you are currently having, the suffering you are experiencing now, will be insignificant when you are living in the afterlife. Yes, that makes sense to me.  But what about the people who are suffering gravely, with challenges that are far and away enough to destroy their will to live? How does that fit into my theory?

If I am true to my faith, then the answer remains the same. This life is full of sorrows, challenges, pain and suffering. This is because earth is not God’s realm, Heaven is. You know how people always say after someone dies, They are in a better place now. And if they were very ill beforehand they add, They are no longer confined to their earthly body. They are now free from the pain endured in this world. Right? Why do we say that? We must, on some level, believe it. And in my opinion, with good reason.

I have troubles right now. Things I am stressing over and worried about. God wanted me to know that someday these earthly troubles will have little to no meaning in my life. It does not negate their significance today, or even the power they hold over me. But I need to realize that in the grand scheme of things, I have only a modicum of control over them.

Give your troubles over to God!  I am a firm believer in doing this when you are worried about something that you have no control over, i.e. anything that involves other people. Learn this lesson early, you cannot control another human being. You can advise, suggest, browbeat or threaten but ultimately they will do what they want to do. When it comes to conflicts involving others, which is most, you must turn them over to God for handling. Pray about it, pray for those people, and then walk away. Know that God has a plan and He is in charge, not you. Let it go.

Here is my summation. There is no pain, no suffering, no tears, no hatred, no back-stabbing, no violence, no bigotry (I could go on and on) in Heaven. You will only find those things here on earth. The suffering you do here is temporary. Do not let it consume you. Take comfort in knowing that some day you will be free from these negatives. And all you have to do is to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. God bless.

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“Shalom is a Hebrew word meaning peace, harmony, wholeness, completeness, prosperity, welfare and tranquility and can be used idiomatically to mean both hello and goodbye.”   Sounds wonderful. Where can I get some?

I know the word. I have heard it often in my lifetime, but to really sit and think about all that it encompasses I have not done. Our pastor at church yesterday was talking about the difference between worldly wisdom and heavenly wisdom (or wisdom from God).  Followers of worldly wisdom who do not follow God are without peace. Think about it. When you pursue what the world tells you to pursue, do you feel satisfied? Ever? The world will never give you peace. The kind of peace you desire comes only from a relationship with God. And for me, the word “shalom” encompasses all the best qualities of that feeling.

How many of you are experiencing peace in your life right now? I think we have moments of peace, but a feeling of peace all or most of the time? Is it even possible? I believe that people who meditate on a daily basis experience more peace than most of us. This is because through meditation they are removing themselves from an earthly existence and moving into the spiritual realm. I repeat, this world will not bring you peace. Only God can do that.

I look inward and ask myself the same questions. I feel peaceful with my horse. That’s because horses live in the moment. If you are calm around a horse, most of the time they will reflect that calmness back to you. You focus in on your mutual experience and forget about everything else “out there”. At least that is the way it is supposed to work. If I go to the barn with an agenda or with a head full of what is going on in my life outside of the barn, I am setting myself up for a stressful experience with my horse. I have done that, often, and I go home feeling empty and sad. I know better.

Finding true peace in a world that is chaotic, often unfriendly, unpredictable and even frightening, is practically impossible. Then do we never find peace in our lives? Of course not. God offers us peace. Listen to Him instead of the world. Follow Him. He is where true peace can be found.

When a person of Jewish faith says “shalom” you now know how powerful and deeply meaningful an expression it is. It is more of a blessing or a prayer than a greeting. Take it in. Savor it. Let it flow through your body, embracing all of you. Shalom comes from God. Look there the next time you want more peace in your life. God is reliable. The world is not. God is always there for you. The world is not. God never breaks a promise. The world breaks them daily.

Reread the definition at the beginning of this blog. Think about it. Seek it. Find it in Him. Shalom.

 

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“But I was 45!” I recently said to someone in order to explain how uprooting my family in the 90s was so much easier than it is today. That started me thinking. Why do we lose confidence as we age? Why are we more anxious, more fearful of change, new adventures, risk taking opportunities? Of course this isn’t a blanket statement. I’m sure there are exceptions. I know of some. Many people in their 70s, 80s, 90s and beyond have done incredible things worthy of our admiration.  Putting aside these amazing humans, do the rest of us not stand a chance? Are we doomed to our living rooms, knitting, watching television, doing exercises, playing golf or painting with our fellow seniors? Ugh.

Where do we get the notion that we are too old for some things? Our American culture tells us that once we get past a certain age we shouldn’t or can’t do the things we did when we were younger.  We shouldn’t expect to. In addition, our bodies often dictate what we can and cannot do anymore. In my case, there are things I used to do when younger that not only couldn’t I do today, but conveniently have no desire to do them!

Our families, especially our partners or spouses, either encourage us to do the things we want to do or gently remind us of our age, as if that alone should stop us.  How we were raised to view ourselves; i.e., a strong sense of self or the opposite, also plays a critical role in our thinking.

Our achievements in life thus far give us the courage to try new things and take more risks. Our self talk is very important because we have a tendency to believe every word of it! “You’re too old to try that!” “You’ll hurt yourself!” “You’re not as smart as you used to be!”

All of this got me wondering. Why am I calling this big move so difficult?  Why shouldn’t I believe I have all of the necessary resources at my disposal? That I am smart enough to handle the challenges that come with the territory. If anything, I am in a better position today than I was at 45. More life experience and more wisdom.  The only thing holding me back is me!

We become more cautious as we get older because we are cognizant of all the possible negative outcomes. The younger we are, the more ignorant we are about the bad possibilities. With age comes not only the knowledge of what could go wrong but also how to fix it.

I say go for your dreams, regardless of age. Take that risk but do your research first. Answer all of the important questions. In other words, don’t jump off the high dive before checking to make sure there is water in the pool! But don’t make your only excuse, “I’m too old.” The time to stop living is when you stop breathing.

I’m going to refrain from calling this move scary and I’m going to call it a glorious adventure. Now all of you out there over 60,  stop saying you’re too old and live your life!

 

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I remember as a child asking my mother for something I really wanted. The second best answer was always “maybe”. “Maybe” soon became my favorite word because it gave me hope. “No” was final, a dead end which led to a young girl’s despair. But “maybe” was something I could handle. It wasn’t “yes” but it wasn’t “no” either. I really didn’t care how long it took to get the final answer. The longer, the better. I let my hope stretch out as far as it could go.

As an adult, even a much older adult, I find myself attached to “maybe” in the same way. Hope. It means that all is not lost. There is still a chance I could get what I want or have a certain outcome. I often hang my hat on it.

Are you someone who believes that if things look bad it means that they will end badly? This is typical and completely normal. But it doesn’t make you feel good. It can lead to depression and a negative approach to life. When things look bad or scary, know that the outcome isn’t necessarily going to be what you imagine. There is always hope. “It isn’t over until the fat lady sings.” (Not very p.c., is it?)

With God all things are possible. I remember hearing about someone who needed a lung – a lung! I immediately thought, Oh, this is really bad. He’s not going to make it. Then it dawned on me that I am very limited in my understanding of what is and what is not possible. I have a human brain. There is still hope because God has the final say. What happened? He got his lung and is alive and well.

Don’t ever decide how things will turn out until they’ve turned out. Hold onto hope until it slips away  and you have to let it go.  Sometimes things don’t work out but sometimes they do. There is a certain mystery in not knowing the outcome. And there is always hope that in the end you will get what you wanted anyway. God bless.

 

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The other grandparents of my newest grandchild are visiting her in Oregon for the first time. She texted me a few pictures. I asked her if her heart was filling up or spilling over. The image came to me at that moment and I really liked it. It suited the situation so well.  Then I started thinking, what else in my life would cause my heart to fill up or spill over? How would you answer that? Here is what I came up with.

When I listen to certain music. Lately I would have to say it would be Christian music, the modern kind, like they play on KLOVE. Some of it is so inspiring and it always connects me to God. Other music, especially certain classical pieces, do the same thing. My all time favorite is Rachmaninoff’s Concerto No. 2 in C Minor. It takes about an hour to listen to the entire piece and always brings me to tears. There is some music that is so beautiful that it hurts. I don’t know how else to explain it. Maybe you have experienced music like that. I hope so.

Hugging my children and grandchildren. When they were babies, my favorite thing to do would be to lay them on top of my chest as they slept. There is something about their heart being so close to mine. It is definitely a spilling over moment.

Hugging my husband, anytime. He makes me feel safe and loved. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Petting my cats while they are in my lap. Loving on my horse. Riding my horse and having a moment of being one creature, moving in complete harmony. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does the feeling is amazing. If you are a horse person, you will know exactly what I am talking about.

Anytime I am with my children, especially if they are both with me, something extremely rare.

Laughing with my sister over something we did years ago.

Singing in church.

I’m sure I have forgotten some very obvious ones. You can think of some. Be aware the next time your heart is filling up or spilling over.  My old drama teacher told me that whenever  I was having one of those awe inspiring moments in life, I should open up all of my senses and take it in. Really experience it, hold onto it and then remember it. They are gifts. Enjoy them and be grateful.  Let your heart fill up and spill over often. It’s good for the soul. God bless.

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Every morning I spend about ten minutes with God in prayer. I offer up my requests  and end by saying thank you for the answered ones. Recently I started making Mondays my “Thank you, God” days. I don’t permit myself to ask for anything. I merely think of everything possible I can thank Him for. Throughout the day, no matter what happens, I say “Thank you, God.”

Sound crazy? I understand. But if you try it, you will soon notice that things start changing. The first thing that changes is you – your perspective, your mood. The little irritating stuff that happens becomes less bothersome. Even larger issues take on less significance.

I am not saying it isn’t challenging. It is. It is certainly counter intuitive. You get ready to leave for work only to find that you have a flat tire. Thank you, God? You stub your toe on the corner of the coffee table. Thank you, God? Your washing machine stops working mid-cycle. Thank you, God? You’re in a car accident….. You get the idea. I may be crazy. I just know that it changes me. It makes me trust God more. It convinces me that everything will work out, no matter what it looks like now. My all time favorite movie quote (from the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) : ” Everything will be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, then it’s not the end.” I love that.

And that’s the key. Trusting that God is there for both the little stuff and the big stuff and the really big stuff. You are not alone. He will see you through it. He is in charge and is working all things together for your good. It takes faith, persistence in your belief, surrender in your need to control and guts.

I am suggesting that you try it. See what it does to you, if it changes you and how. Try it for one day. My goal is to carry it beyond Monday. I’m not there yet. Maybe I never will be, but it’s a start.

You are not thanking God for bringing problems or pain into your life. You are thanking Him in advance for helping you get through it, for letting you grow, for giving you the tools to fix whatever it is (keeping in mind that some things cannot be fixed) and for being your comfort and your guide.

God is there for all those who love Him and want Him to be there. Never doubt that. Sometimes we put ourselves in a bad place, having nothing to do with God. If we ask for help, He will help us. Saying thank you in advance clears a space within you for the guidance and love to come in. And isn’t that something to be thankful for?  God bless.

 

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I’ve been sick with bronchitis for the last two weeks. It kept me away from the barn and my horse for nine straight days. It is also the reason I did not write my blog last week. :((

The above phrase popped into my head the other day when I made the decision to go to the barn and exercise my horse. I also wanted her to know that I hadn’t deserted her.  I think about things like that in my spare time. I have no idea if horses even think that way. In any case, I needed to reassure her that I was still around and still her mom. It’s about time you went back to the barn. It’s about time you took care of your horse again.

It’s about time that….

you got your lazy butt off of the couch and participated in life again.

you started tackling some items on your to-do list.

you stopped feeling helpless.

you got back to your bible study group.

you carried your weight around the house.

you felt normal again.

you ran errands that have been piling up.

you wrote your blog!

you let the world know that you’re back!

you gained control over your life again.

I get sick 3-4x a year. I know that sounds like a lot. My doctor isn’t worried. I’m basically pretty healthy. But it bothers me because my very busy life gets put on hold for almost two weeks. Appointments must be re-scheduled, other meet-ups must be cancelled. My husband must do most things around the house. Someone else has to take care of my horse. I lose valuable lesson time. Things don’t get done the way I would like them to.

I’m not in control! Maybe getting sick so often is a gentle reminder that I can survive without being in control for two weeks. The world carries on without my input. I have to depend on others which is also hard for me. I’d much rather do it myself. Sound familiar?

I see commercials on TV with old people being cared for, driven around, cooked for, etc. It makes me cringe. I don’t want to ever be in that position but someday I could be.

“It’s about time”, a common expression. How would you complete it? It’s fun to play with. When I’m not getting things done as I should, I often think of that phrase.

It’s about time to forgive myself for the days on the couch, for not getting everything done, for depending on others, for not being in control. I think I’ll go rest now for a bit. I’m tired. The couch is calling my name……. It’s about time!  :))

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I wrote last time about a clean slate for the new year. Is that the same as a blank screen? No, not in my mind. The former refers to a new beginning, a fresh start, a chance for a do-over. A blank screen is what I am currently facing, as I ponder what to write about this week.

Usually ideas are all around me, flooding my brain, vying for attention – “Pick me!” “No, pick me!” Not so much today. I didn’t write a blog the week of Christmas. My head was full of holiday to-do lists. I had no space in there for creativity to bloom, or even bud.

And here I am, trying to come up with a good topic but to my dismay nothing in my brain is raising its hand to be chosen. Writer’s block? The dreaded nemesis for writers. It truly hasn’t happened to me much since I began writing on a regular basis. I’ve been fortunate, I suppose. So what’s up with this? Why now?

I have a theory. I think my brain is overcrowded, thereby preventing ideas from taking form and eventually being expressed. What is the remedy? Clear my head. How? Meditate? Turn off all the distracting noise, both inside and outside my head. Easier said than done.

As writer’s block is a nemesis for the writer, a lack of focus is to almost any endeavor. In my world, that would be while riding my horse.  Not being focused prevents me from experiencing a productive lesson. Absolute concentration is critical to riding, especially in dressage. If you don’t pay attention,  you quickly become a passenger rather than a rider. The horse doesn’t mind but you should. In dressage, allowing your horse to run the show is never a good idea.

What is the nemesis that gets in the way of doing what you love? Distractions, other people, brain chatter, negative self-talk, lack of focus, fatigue, writer’s block?  Solutions: relax, get enough rest, stay focused, eliminate external noise (if possible), pay attention, still your mind, get away to somewhere quiet and peaceful.  Become relentless in achieving your goals. Be determined, single minded.

Creativity is alive and well in all of us. I spent years believing I wasn’t creative at all, until I retired and had the luxury of time and control over my schedule.  I was freed from the many responsibilities I had when I worked. My stress level had plummeted. I’m not suggesting you have to wait until you retire to find your creative side. I believe I’m an exception to the rule. Most people can access their creativity wherever they are in life.

Blank screen? I believe I have filled it up and hopefully given you something to think about. Honor your creativity. Allow it to bubble up to the surface and show you what you are capable of. It’s a soul-filler for sure. Don’t be intimidated by a “blank screen” however that shows up for you. Relax, take a deep breath and watch what happens!  :))

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When I was a child my father warned me, “Don’t ever say to someone that you are positive, unless you know 100% that it is true. Nine times out of ten you will be wrong and then be embarrassed and maybe ashamed.” Although I took him very seriously when I was young, as I grew into adulthood I put that advice aside along with many other childhood lessons, believing I had outgrown them. I’m an adult, I know how to live my life.

But oh how it came back to haunt me! As I was telling someone I was positive about something, I would hear my father’s voice in my ear, Be careful.  I said it anyway and sure enough, on many occasions I would be wrong. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Time for some humble pie. What’s that?

The reason I’m writing about this now is yet another experience that reminds me of how flawed I am as a human. It was a barn situation involving me, my trainer and the rest of my barnmates. It was a she said-she did with complaints flying, fingers pointing and no one was happy. I immediately listened to one person, and without hearing anyone else’s side of the story, confronted one of the parties involved as if I knew I was standing on the higher ground. And boy does self-righteousness feel good, right? I backed off a little as I listened to her defend herself. Then I separately listened to another party. She sounded reasonable, although it is hard to say who is telling 100% of the truth.

Well, little miss smarty pants (that would be me), maybe your confrontation was a bit premature, if not unwarranted. I apologized to the person I confronted and listened respectively and with an open mind to the second. I walked away feeling pleased that I had “done my research” and humbled by how easily swayed I had been without listening to all sides. Lesson learned.

It’s so easy to jump to conclusions, believe you are right and act accordingly, even though more time should be taken to learn the truth. We love to be right! We love it even more when we can point it out to others, especially our spouses or partners. There! I’m right and you’re wrong! Hah!  (Time elapses) Wait a minute! How could that be? What do you mean I’m wrong? Prove it! And then they do. Ooops. Red face time.

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you feel certain, positive and self-righteous, take a break. Send your ego away and think about your position. Are you sure that you’re right? Is there something you should do first to clarify? Trust me, it will prevent some foolish arguments, hurt feelings and embarrassment on your part. Surprise, you can be wrong even when you are absolutely certain you are right. That’s only your ego talking and most of the time it’s best not to listen to it.

I’ll bet you thought I was going to write about Thanksgiving, didn’t you? Well I do have this to say, be grateful. No matter where you are in life right now, there is someone else who is worse off than you. Thank God for all you have.  Happy Turkey day! :))

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