I grew up in a Christian home with both a healthy fear and a love of God. The idea of ever being angry with God never entered my young mind. You might as well become an atheist. There would be no turning back once you expressed your wrath to the one who gave you life, the one who created the universe in which you lived. Blasphemy!
I held on to those views for many years. Sure, I would get upset if something bad happened but I never crossed the line, the point of no return. I looked to more earthly culprits, anything but to point my finger at the great one. I resisted even when my first marriage was on very shaky ground while living in Iran. My world had turned upside down and misery was my daily companion. I chose to blame myself and turned to God for comfort.
Not until January of 2015 when I had to put down my horse, Barbie, did I actually feel genuine anger toward Him. I had prayed and prayed (as did several others) for her to survive. Once I knew that wasn’t going to happen, I begged God to take her rather than me having to voluntarily end her life. That would be murder. Don’t make me do that, please! Of course that is exactly what I ended up having to do. I realized a few days later that if God had answered my prayer I would have missed out on one of the most beautiful, spiritual moments of my life. My face on her face as she passed. My tears running down my cheeks onto her “cheeks”. Being with her in that moment when she made her transition. Sad, yes, of course. But a singular moment of true connection and love. I was wrong. God was right.
Now I have a reason for fervent prayer. I have been begging God again to hear my pleas and grant me what I see as the optimal result. Rather than turn everything around, rather than grant the miracle I so desire, things have gotten worse. Are you kidding me? I looked to God with disbelief. Seriously? Worse, God? I know how you always make things work out for the good of those who believe in and follow you but I am at a loss here to see what possible good could come out of this one! Maybe someone will die because of it. Maybe two will die. How is that good? Please tell me, God, because clearly I can’t see it! Sorry but I don’t feel like talking to you right now and I certainly don’t feel like praising you or thanking you. I don’t understand people who can do that in the middle of a crisis, while suffering or crying out for help to no avail.
For two days I felt this way. I continued to meet with Him in the morning but had little to say except for why, God? I cut the time short and went about my business. By the third day there was a glimmer of hope that things might get better. I felt cautious optimism but I was afraid to trust that all would be well. I had been there before only to watch things come crashing down weeks or even months later. No, I am not jumping for joy but I have gained some insight over the last 48 hours.
I spoke about it with a Christian friend of mine. Is it okay to get mad at God? Does that make him angry and want to retaliate? I pretty much knew that would not be the case, but I asked anyway. You can never have too much insight when it comes to God. First of all, I was told it is absolutely okay to be mad at God. What He wants most is a relationship with us, in the good times and even in the not so good times. A dialogue. She called it “wrestling with God”. It is talked about in the bible. Jacob wrestled with God in the book of Genesis, and it was a physical act. Jacob survived and his name was changed to Israel.
I like the image of me wrestling with God. It demonstrates a relationship. I had to go back in my memory and dig up what I know to be true about prayer. You don’t always receive answered prayer. We don’t always see the bigger picture until later, with the passage of time. Just like I did regarding my horse story. This is why it is important when we pray to always say, “Thy will, God, not mine.” He works for our greater good even when we can’t see it.
It is important to note that my prayers were for someone else’s life, not my own, which makes it harder. I have no control over someone else’s behavior. It is a painful truth we must accept or go crazy trying to fight it. In cases like these, we must turn over our worries to God. He’s in charge. We are not. All we can do is pray and ask for the best possible outcome. Sometimes we get what we want but it happens later than we had hoped for. Time is so important to us humans, but God’s timing has nothing to do with earthly time. And so we must ask for something “in God’s time”. And then the outcome may look different from our original request, but ultimately serves a better purpose. We have to learn to accept that as well.
So where does that leave me? Putting my eyes on Him and trusting that all will be as it should be. I rest in His arms when I am weary and keep Him close as I go about my day. Letting go is supremely difficult for us. A hard lesson to learn but one we must if we want peace and joy in our lives. My prayer for you is that you learn how to find peace and joy today and every day. God bless.