Things to ponder

This is my favorite time of year and December is the magical month. But life is different for me this year. It will be the first time ever that my sister is not around. The first year I am not looking out for the perfect gifts for her. Oh, she’d love that, I’d say to myself. I must get it for her! Not this year. All the presents I would have bought…

Here’s my conundrum. As I said, this time of year I am filled with the excitement of the Season. I might as well be six years old. I am that happy. But I’m not six years old and the world is tough right now, tougher than usual. I hear stories from friends of friends dying or already gone. Families losing children. People losing beloved pets. I lost my sister. So how do I let myself feel the immeasurable joy that I would normally feel? Or do I allow it to come in spurts and then feel the compassion and personal sadness in-between? How do you reconcile those two, the joy of the Season with the pain and suffering all around you?

The short answer is I don’t know how. I catch myself as I listen to a Christmas carol that I particularly love. I start to feel exuberant but stop myself. How can I allow it? Things are not the same. People are having a really tough time. How can I be joyous? Sometimes it just bursts forth and I am too late to catch it. The joy, that is. I just feel it. It’s wonderful. An evening ago I was outside and felt the chill in the air. You could see your breath. That was the temperature. I was in bliss. The sky was just beginning to grow dark. It was cloudy like it might snow. It took me back to my childhood in Rhode Island. Every winter my sister and I would go out into the yard and feel the cold night air. It was such a deep joy-filled moment for us. I loved it. Is that okay? Can you let go and feel happy when you are in the middle of a broken world? Where right is wrong and wrong is somehow right and God is ignored and people feel hopeless? And if the answer is yes, then how do you do that?

This may help. Look up. What?? Look up and give your attention to God. Feel God. Know he is still there, whether the world has turned their back or not. He is always there, waiting for us. Talk to him. Listen to him. Follow him. Love him. He is the who, what, where, when and how of life. He is the why. Believe. Start a relationship if you haven’t already. He’s dying to talk to you. And I promise he will listen better than any of your friends or family. Tell him what’s going on with you and how you feel about it. Tell him of your wishes and dreams, your prayers, even your pain. Will he make all the suffering disappear? Will he take away your moments of reflection and sadness? No and no. But he will comfort you as you go through it. Ask him to take you by the hand and not let go. Just try it.

God is the answer to my conundrum. I pray for those in pain, for those in great need of comfort right now. I try to be a light for others who are in a dark place. And when the joy comes bubbling up in me I will let myself feel it. I will cherish it. It reminds me that all is not lost. There is hope. There is God and he loves us. We need to love him back. Just try it. God bless you and your family in this holiday season.

•  

Today is Wednesday. In a little over twelve hours it will be Thursday. Then Friday. And just like that the week will be over. But five minutes ago I was waking up and it was Monday! How does that happen and is it only because I am so much older now? Is it just me or does it seem as if time is going by at an accelerated rate? Please make it slow down!

Perhaps it’s just my perspective. I want time to go by slowly because I don’t have as many years ahead of me as I do behind me. So I watch it more than I did as a young woman. Children generally want time to go by faster, so they can grow up, have more privileges, and finally be in charge! Little do they know that being an adult brings many freedoms but also lots of responsibility.

I’m noticing the speed of time a lot more these days. Thinking about my mortality I guess. And that is due to my sister’s passing. I’m sure it brings death to the forefront of my mind. I don’t like that. I want to feel like I will live forever, even though I know it’s not true. It is what it is, right?

The older you get the harder it is to hide from reality, even while trying to dig in your heels in your happy place. My husband turns 80 next year, and that scares me. What if he leaves me alone to fend for myself? All these years together and now I’m alone? I contemplate these things. If only my sister were still alive. I wouldn’t be giving it as much thought if she were.

Time flies when you’re having fun but what about when you’re bored? Yesterday I came home from one of my new workouts at the gym, took a shower, ate lunch and then crashed on the couch for the rest of the day. FOR THE REST OF THE DAY! I read two different books and scrolled through FB for two hours! I was too tired to move so even if I had thought of something productive I could be doing, I wouldn’t be doing it! I kept looking at the clock. 2:30 became 3:15 became 4:35. I was slightly bored and kept wondering when it would be cocktail hour and pj’s. Time moved slowly for me then.

The truth is that time moves at the speed of time, no faster, no slower. It’s all in my head. The trick is to make your time meaningful, which does not mean you have to be constantly productive. Rest is important, chilling out is important. It recharges you so that you can do the productive things. I used to not allow myself rest until I had completed all of my tasks for the day. I’ve always been that way. I kind of still am, truth be told. But I do allow myself to rest, do something frivolous or do nothing at all. It’s important not only for my brain but also my body and soul.

Does time fly for you or does it move at a snail’s pace? Is it tied to how much sleep you get or whether you have something fun to do? Are you bored and therefore watch the clock, willing it to go faster so your day will hurry up and become the next day? Remember, it’s all in your head. God bless.

•  

Have you ever felt like the world was closing in on you and you just wanted out? Sometimes what’s going on around you is too much for one person to handle. You look for the nearest exit but unfortunately there isn’t one, not if you want to continue living, and hopefully most of us do. Nevertheless, getting caught up in the craziness of earthly matters can bring you down quickly. What to do? You are a spiritual being having a human experience. In other words, you are human but you are not just human. On a deeper level you are spirit, and as a spiritual being you are not limited to the things of this world. Bear with me.

When I keep my eye on God, I can withstand anything. Even the insanity in our world right now. The stuff that makes you either crazy or terribly depressed. The stuff that makes you angry and ruins your day. All you need to do is watch the news – any channel. It’s all depressing and/or anxiety inducing. I can watch the news and then remind myself who I am. I am a beloved child of God and he is above all of this. No one is more powerful. Anything is possible when you are in his realm. Anything. Even the things you just know are impossible.

And yet I cannot reside in the spiritual world 100% of the time. Not now, anyway. Some day. In the meantime, I have to deal with grocery shopping, housework, bills to pay. people to do life with, etc. It is not possible for me to keep focused on God all of the time.  No matter how hard I try, life gets in the way. I can, however, reach out to him during the day. I begin my day with him in prayer. Before I go to sleep at night I speak to him about the day. God is with me always. Without him I am lost. How can you deal with our world today, with the trials and tribulations of your life without God? I cannot fathom. Where do you turn? Friends and family are great but they are also living their lives. They too have trials to endure, hardships to navigate that make it impossible if not untimely for them to be with you in that crucial moment.  God is faithful and immutable. I turn to him.

Therefore, in times of desperation, depression, fear, pain, anxiety, worry, self-doubt or craziness, I look up. I pray. He listens and gives me comfort. Then I can go on living my life, despite what is happening around me. Despite the pain, the heartache, the fear. Despite all of it. He is my refuge from a world gone mad. That is not to say that I stop worrying as if by magic. That I accept the things I cannot control without ever stressing over them. I still worry, but it doesn’t undo me. It’s like climbing into your mother’s lap (or father’s or caretaker’s) as a child. The comfort they provided made things bearable. But it didn’t stop all of the worry. We are human, after all.

Balance. We have to do our human things all day long. They are unavoidable and mostly necessary. But we can spend time with our spiritual side as a healthy escape from all things human. It’s what keeps me sane in an insane world. It brings me comfort when my life is uncomfortable. And it gives me hope in the face of hopelessness.  Next time your world is overwhelming, look up and acknowledge your soul, the spirit within. Ask God to wrap his arms around you. Feel loved. It makes all the difference. God bless.

 

Be still and know that I am God.             

Psalm 46:10

 

•  

A few nights ago my husband and I watched a YouTube video, a debate between an atheist college professor and students from a Christian University. This should be good, I thought to myself. We watched all but the last 15 minutes of it. I was deeply saddened. The college kids did their best to put the professor on the spot but he had a pat answer, neatly packaged, for everything. Normally I could not watch any show that refutes the existence of God but my curiosity got the better of me. My husband is always up for the challenge.

I listened attentively as the professor politely but absolutely squashed every concept the students put forward. I kept thinking that I wish one of my pastors, or a biblical scholar from my last church could debate this man. Those kids did not stand a chance. The man was articulate and clearly learned in science and philosophy, as well as the Bible. (His interpretation of it.)  He was raised in a Christian home and was familiar with Scripture. It was only later, as an adult, that he changed his mind about God.

If I had been there, I would have asked him his position on miracles, especially of the medical kind. When doctors (aka scientists) find no logical explanation for tumors disappearing, for cancer that goes away on its own without treatment, for terminal patients who live many years past their prognosis. How would he explain that?

Or people who walk away from a horrific car crash with barely a scratch, or those who tell of someone else at the scene that they were talking to when no one else was there? What would he do if his plane was going down or his child was dying in the hospital or his wife was diagnosed with a terminal disease? He couldn’t pray so what would he do? Where does he get comfort from? Is the answer simply he doesn’t?  He said he gets comfort from family and friends. But they can’t be there 24/7 like God can. And we all know that as flawed humans, we often let people down, even when we don’t want to. God never does.

Over 30% of the world’s population are Christians. Under 10% are atheists. So are the 30% wrong? Mislead? Brainwashed? America was founded on a solid belief in God. Were our Forefathers misguided?

The perfection of the Universe, the magnificence of the human body – these are cosmic accidents?  Many brilliant scientific minds in history believed in God, e.g. Nicholas Copernicus, Sir Francis Bacon, Johannes Kepler, Galileo Galilei, Rene Descartes, Isaac Newton, Blaise Pascal….. just to name a few.   Were they all crazy?

God gave us free will. We can live our lives with him or without, our choice. For those who choose to live without him, I pray you are someday faced with irrefutable proof that God exists, because he does. A life without God is immeasurably less than what it could be. I am blessed to know God and to follow him. The joy I have in knowing he is always with me gives me the confidence to walk through anything, knowing I am not alone. I pray the same for all humanity. May God bless you all.

•  

Road Trip 2021 – Perspective is everything.

Thursday, July 16. Taking off from home with hubby on a road trip to SoCal. It’s my sister’s birthday (big one) on the 19th. We’re picking up my niece in Southern Oregon so she and her cat can ride down with us. She will stay at my sister’s and we will stay with my son and his family who live an hour away.

The trip to Southern Oregon takes four hours. It is uneventful and we arrive at her home on time. As we pull up to her house we see her coming outside to greet us. We place her suitcase in the trunk along with some extra bags. Then we put her cat (who is in a cat carrier) in the back seat. We take off on schedule but within minutes notice a warning pop up on the dash – “Coolant too hot — Stop Vehicle —Turn engine off.” What the heck? With good reason we are alarmed. Is it serious? Will we all die if we keep going? What’s going on here? We pull over to the side of the road, dutifully shut off the engine and strategize what to do next. We need to get to a Mercedes Dealer, but how far away is that and will the engine blow up getting there? Panic has set in. My husband googles the nearest Mercedes Dealer. Only 20 minutes from our current location. We have no choice. We have to risk it.

We notice that the air coming out of the vents is no longer air conditioned. The outside temperature is in the low 90’s. Not good for the furry animal in a cage in the back seat. My niece starts to worry.

We arrive safely at the dealership. The office is air conditioned. We breathe a collective sigh of relief. Our car is now somewhere where they will be able to fix it and we are experiencing heavenly cold air. My niece brings the cat inside with us. We wait patiently in the customer lounge where there is free coffee and ice cold water. My husband is talking to the service manager. He comes back to tell us that they are running diagnostics on the car. Another sigh of relief. We become optimistic, even joyful, believing that soon the car will be diagnosed, repaired and we will once more be on our way.

Two hours later we lose our optimism when we are told that they found nothing wrong with the car. They checked the thermostat and that was not the problem. They suggest we just continue on our way and if the engine blows up at least it’s still under warranty! (Can you believe they actually said that?)

With some trepidation and disbelief we left the dealership. No one spoke. Within a few short minutes the warning sign came on again. The air in the car became warm. Our spirits plummeted. My niece became stressed about her furry child in the warm car. The mood had quickly gone from hope against hope to depression and even desperation.

We were determined to believe the dealer that nothing was actually wrong with the car. Crossing our fingers and toes we soldiered on. We rolled down the windows allowing the warm air to blow on our faces, trying to imagine it was cooler than it was. My niece in the back seat said nothing. She felt trapped. She felt despair. She continued to worry about her cat. The cat was now panting.

Irritability had entered our car through the open windows. We were all grumpy. This was practically a brand new car! How does this happen? We had some air conditioning issues three weeks before our trip. My husband had taken the car in for service. They had it for  1  1/2 days. THEY FOUND NOTHING. After several days of driving, the air conditioning seemed to be working fine. I had suggested more than once that we take my car, a 2019 Jeep with no issues. We decided at the last minute to take the Mercedes. He wanted to show it off to our family. Needless to say, he now regretted that decision.

We managed to make it to Weed, CA and although we had only been on the road for a few hours, we knew we needed to make a plan for the rest of the trip, given our current situation. It was a small town with only a couple of hotels. The first one we went to was full.  How could that be? It was a Thursday, not a weekend! We went to the only other place, a Comfort Inn up the street. We all held our breath. Yes, they had two rooms and they were near each other!

After getting my niece settled into her room we entered ours and tried to figure out a plan. At this point no one was in a good mood, especially not my husband. “This trip was a terrible idea. We should have flown. I suggest in the morning we take Lori home and then head home ourselves.” “That’s not an option,” I said quietly, trying not to anger him further. “Then I’ll drive back to Portland tonight, switch cars, then drive back here sometime early tomorrow.” “Another bad idea,” I carefully suggested. “That’s not a safe option.” Fortunately he agreed with me. Our minds were both racing. “Okay,” he said. “I know what we can do. We’ll take Lori home in the morning then drive back to Portland. We’ll spend the night and then Saturday morning we will head out again with your car. We’ll lose a day but we will have no more car trouble.” I thought about it. It made sense. It wasn’t what I wanted to do but it was all we could come up with. So I thought.

Then a new, slightly bold idea popped into my head. “I’ve got a crazy idea” “What?” “Lori has a fairly new car. It runs well. We could ask her if we could use it on our trip. We drive back to her place tomorrow morning then switch out cars and head out. We’ll only lose about three hours as opposed to an entire day.”  After talking it over with my niece, she agreed and we set out the next morning.

On our trip one thing after another went wrong. “This is the trip from Hell,” my husband grumbled. More than once he and I argued. It was awful, especially having an audience in the back seat.

Then there was the time on the second day when I left my cell phone at a McDonald’s and we had to turn back, losing over an hour.  It was never ending. My husband was stuck in the car with two women and a cat. He was not a happy traveler. I just kept trying to keep the peace. It wasn’t easy and most of the time it didn’t work.

We spent the second night (not in the budget) in Stockton, CA. It was a Best Western. I grew up hearing how you could always trust a Best Western Hotel. Well, this one was a dump, in a shady neighborhood. There were more reasons for us to complain. And we did.

We made it to my sister’s house on the third day. In order for us to leave my niece’s car with her we had my son come pick us up, an hour trip each way. We got to my son’s house after being in the car for 12 hours, 10 hours the previous day. We were done.

There were many things to complain about on this trip, which we did. There were more issues for my poor husband having to do with his real estate business that added fuel to his already roaring fire. I was so angry with him I wished him gone. All I was thinking about was how badly he was treating me, about his constant complaints and criticisms. It was almost unbearable.

After a day or two of being at my son’s house it hit me. Well, actually it was a comment my niece made to me about my husband’s behavior. How she understood it and didn’t blame him.  What? I was ready to kill him and she understands him? Was I in the Twilight Zone?

After much reflecting and conversations with God, I saw this trip in a whole new light. The trip had actually been a blessing. Our car could have left us stranded out in the middle of nowhere, without cell service (and there were plenty of those areas we drove through in the Mercedes). The engine could have blown which would have blown our trip.

My lost cell phone was another blessing. My husband had called the McDonalds where I thought I had left it in the bathroom. The manager checked and said it wasn’t there. My panic was all too real, and frightening. Because of that phone call, a woman, who had spotted my phone in the parking lot, overheard the manager talk about a lost cell phone. She returned the phone to the manager who promptly called my husband back and said they had the phone. That was God’s grace.

So many of the things on this trip that appeared to be awful and such bad luck, all worked out. God was with us throughout. I just hadn’t noticed until I looked back. It’s a long way around to tell you that no matter what you are going through, and for some of you it is considerably worse than the problems we encountered, know this – God is with you for the duration. You are never alone. Look for tiny miracles along the way. Thank him for those. Feel his presence surrounding you, his love pouring out on you. Trust he will get you through this, because he will. No matter how frightened or messed up or panic stricken or worried or depressed or lonely or hopeless you may feel, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. God is always there. You need only reach out for him. He is always just a prayer away. God bless.

 

•  

Have you ever prayed so hard that you were sure, based only on your spiritual fervor and sincerity, that God would grant you your deepest desires? And then days go by. Weeks go by. Even years go by and …  nothing. Did it feel like betrayal? Did you get angry with him because your prayers weren’t answered? Did you even lose faith because of it?

What does it mean when God says “No”?  Did you grow up thinking that God always says “Yes” as long as…. you were good, you didn’t hit your little sister/brother, you faithfully said your prayers every night and went to Sunday School every week?  This is the kids’ version. As an adult, do you think God will always grant you your requests as long as you are faithful to him? You read the Bible every day… you go to church every Sunday… you give to charity and help others often? So why didn’t I get what I prayed for? Why didn’t things work out for me? Why didn’t I get that career changing position, that promotion, the dream house?

Our sermon last week was on this very subject. The Pastor spoke of three possible reasons why God turns us down, even when our prayers were sincere and full of hope and faith. The first one is:  1.It is not the right time. What do I mean by that? Perhaps you are not ready for that career change, that promotion, etc. We hold onto our dreams with such a firm grip that it becomes a part of us. It’s all encompassing, our new god, if you will. This is all we want! This is all we need!  Please God!

What we often forget is that God is not controlled by time. Time doesn’t exist for him. No days or nights, no months or years. Time is man made. His schedule does not sync with ours. What seems like an eternity to us may only be the equivalent of a day for him. He is not restricted by our time table. So what happens? You wait for what you believe is long enough and eventually give up. I guess it wasn’t meant to be, you decide in a defeated state of mind. Time to move on. And then, years later, by some miracle (but it really wasn’t) your prayer is answered! You got what you prayed for. But now you are different. You have matured physically, mentally and spiritually. You are ready  for that promotion, that career change, whatever it was. God’s timing is always perfect. Every   single   time.

The second reason: 2. There’s a better path. We often think that only we know what is best for us. Well maybe God knows better. Of course he does! He knows what you need in order to be the best version of yourself. He created you after all! Think about it, have you ever in hindsight actually thanked God for NOT answering your prayer? You ended up with something/someone so much better in the long run. You got a job that was much more meaningful and fulfilling. Thank you God!  Can you pinpoint a time when God said “No” to your prayer and you were later actually relieved? I’m sure you can.

The third reason:  3. To make us more like Jesus. What does that mean? I believe it means that he wants us to be more humble, more loving, more generous with our time, talent and treasure. He wants us to love one another and put others first. Honorable goals to strive for. Maybe what we wanted for ourselves would put us at odds with that. We wouldn’t be anywhere near the kind of person Christ was. Maybe God wants us to be.

God teaches us through disappointment. His “No” could be preparing us for a better “Yes”.

I’ll end with a wonderful quote from Timothy Keller, God always gives you what you would have asked for if you knew everything that he knows.  Ponder that.   God bless.

•  

Jeremiah 29:11  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

Lamentations 3:24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”

From January 1975 until December 1976 I lived in dread. I was smack dab in the middle of consequences I had honestly earned.  My undoing was my own doing. Life was hard and rarely joyful. If you have read my memoir “For Dear Life”, you know what I am talking about. I had single-handedly placed myself in Hell and now I was forced to live there. The punishment fit the crime.

We were living in Tehran, Iran. The rooftop of our two story apartment building was easily accessible and I remember one night going up there to be alone in my misery. Maybe if I go up on the roof I will be closer to God. Maybe he will answer me this time. I sat down on the rather uncomfortable surface and looked up. Are you there, God? If you are, would you please help me out here? I’m in a bit of a mess, one I created, I know, but would you help me anyway? I really, really need you.

Funny how we rarely turn to God when things are going well. It is only when the you- know- what has hit the fan that we reach out, desperate for the big hand of God to come down and fix things. If only it worked that way.

Back to the rooftop. I tried to find hope when I was up there. Hope was pretty much all I could afford at the time. To say I was “poor in spirit” would be an understatement. But on that night, alone and under the Tehran sky, I found a glimmer of hope. Some day I will be passed this, I thought. Some day maybe I will be happy again. Please God, let me be happy again. Thanks for listening, God.  Talk soon.

It was that tiny bit of hope I found on the rooftop that sustained me through the darkest period of my life. I can’t say it was my faith, for although I was born and raised in a Christian home, I had strayed as an adult. I was no longer standing firmly in Christianity. Let’s just say I was sitting in an easy chair and doing my own thing. It was not until many years later that God would call me back into the fold.

I have heard some people say that hope is just a way of putting off the inevitable. How sad to live your life that way. Our Pastor last week said that hope was when a light shines before the answer comes. I like that, a lot. It was a small light shining brightly that night that would ultimately change my life for the better. Let’s say much, much better.

Hope is believing that something better is coming, that something better is possible. That the dark night of the soul you are experiencing is temporary. How could we go on without believing that? What would be the point? Hope is knowing that God has your back. That you are not going through this trial alone. He will be with you every step of the way. And when he is finished, you will be transformed. God can take the biggest and ugliest mess and turn it into a beautiful work of art. That’s what he does. He’s God. He created the universe, remember?

The three biblical passages at the top are three of my favorites on the subject of hope. I hope that they bring you some comfort, some peace, in whatever you are experiencing right now. Even though I was not obeying him, even though I was doing things that hurt him, he was still there with me on the rooftop, drying my tears and listening to my prayer.

It was not until many years later that I found what had eluded me for so long. But it came when I was ready for it. God’s timing is always perfect. He’s never late nor is he ever early. When you are feeling hope-less, remember it’s okay to believe in the good coming around the corner. Hold on to that hope and don’t let anyone talk you out of it. You know better. God bless.

•  

It’s two o’clock in the afternoon and I can’t think of anything to do. I’m home, still recuperating from surgery in March, but I am able to do most things. This was a day I had no plans. I normally make plans, projects to do, errands to run, cleaning, etc. On this day I thought I’d wing it. That is not like me and apparently it was not a good idea. Not having a plan that is.

What am I going to do? It has always been my m.o. to do the necessary jobs first and then reward myself with something frivolous, like watching something of no value on t.v. or read something just for fun. You get the idea. When I was in elementary school I was the kid who came home, went straight to her room and did her homework. Then I allowed myself time to play. Every parent’s dream.

I guess I’ve maintained that discipline  all my life which would explain why I almost panicked the other day at the number of hours in front of me with nothing to do and no ideas. I can’t just sit here, I thought to myself. I need to accomplish something today! That started me thinking. Does every day have to be productive?

I find that as I get older it becomes even more imperative that I accomplish something daily.  I must make every day count. Is that abnormal? Maybe a little.  The worst day for me is one in which I do nothing. I only allow myself that luxury if I’ve gotten no sleep the night before or I am sick. Neither of which was the case the other day at 2 o’clock.

Since I have stopped riding horses my days are much more open. That pastime took roughly 16-20 hours of my week. On days that I went to the barn I would come home, eat lunch and chill for the rest of the day. I was that tired.

I have tried to replace that time with my newest hobby, water color painting. I have purchased and repurchased better and better paints, brushes and paper. I have watched several hours of tutorials. I have even started following one of the painters on Instagram. She’s that good. But so far this new hobby has not taken up nearly the chunk of time usually spent at the barn. Maybe as I get better at it I will spend more time doing it. I’m still very much a beginner and of course I chose as my first project one of the hardest flowers to water color, the peony. It’s a project I want to have framed and hung in my girlie bathroom. I’m not holding my breath.

Then there is my blog. When I first started this many years ago (2013 I believe) I wrote one faithfully every week. It has since stretched out to once every 5-6 weeks, something I used to complain about with regard to other bloggers. And yet here I am doing the same thing.

I see myself writing my third book. That would take up a good chunk of time. But as of yet I am uninspired. I have no subject matter, not even the genre. Some day.

Back to 2 o’clock. I think I ended up reading and maybe doing my nails but left the day behind feeling less than. A little sad that I had not accomplished much that day. I had not been productive.

Retirement can do that to you if you are not careful. Before I retired (10 years ago) I watched a documentary on t.v. that said, “Don’t retire without a plan or you will wake up every morning and not know what to do!” That’s no problem, I thought. I have a plan. I own a horse and I ride. I take dressage lessons and I’m at the barn 3-4 days per week. I’m set!

In 2019 all that changed. And now here I am with time on my hands and I am in charge, every day. If I give myself grace I can say that “wasting time” is perfectly okay once in a while. Even every day if you are wasting a small amount. Sometimes, dare I say this, it’s okay to waste a whole day. Yikes!

Since that fatal day at 2 o’clock, I have made plans for every day. I feel more comfortable doing that. It puts my life back in control. My control. And that’s funny because as a Christian I know that God is in charge. And that is a subject for another day…. God bless.

 

•  

What happens to us when we get older? How do we view our children when they are adults living their own lives? Where do I fit in? Questions that have shown up in my world of late that are causing me some consternation.

I usually see my local son on Sunday evenings for a private bible study. This has only been since the regular bible study group is on a temporary break and I didn’t want a break. Besides, it gave me a beautiful opportunity to spend time with my son as well as see the little ones and my daughter-in-law.  Bonus.

But last night (as has happened two other times since we started this) my son texted me that they were super busy and could I take a rain check? A reasonable request but for some reason it caught me off guard and sent me into a deep pit. I was really looking forward to going there and talking about God. I was looking forward to seeing everyone. (Even though I had seen the kids and my daughter-in-law the day before, but who’s counting?)

It started me thinking. Do I need to be reminded that my grown children have families and lives of their own and I am no longer part of my sons’ immediate family? Oh the horror! I was  crushed as I texted him “Okay” and then added a sad emoji just to be sure to let him know how I felt about being uninvited. Boo hoo.

Today I awoke and surprisingly the sadness was still hovering. “My sons love me, right?” I asked my husband pitifully. “Of course they do! Don’t be silly. They have their own lives now, don’t forget.” That should have made me feel better but it didn’t. I was left to my own thoughts, self pitying as they were.

I exchanged some texts with my son, feeling out the waters and letting him know what was going on with me. I wanted to be honest but cast no blame. He was just being reasonable and responsible, after all. He assured me that his intention was not to hurt my feelings. I let him know I was fine with it. No big deal. But it felt like a bit of a big deal for a while longer. Funny how that works.

My children are so important to me. I love them so much. I can’t (and don’t want to) imagine my life without them, their amazing wives and all of my beautiful grandchildren. The older I get, the more value I put on our relationships. Is it because I am feeling my mortality more these days? Maybe so. Some day I won’t be around to hang out with them, to babysit, to talk with my CA son on the phone for half an hour. So special. Such wonderful moments in time.

I suppose it’s about letting go. I think typically it is harder for a mother to let go of her grown children. And I suppose to let go of sons is harder and more necessary. Daughters hang around longer, or so it seems. But young men go off to create families of their own and let you know, even if quietly, that your role as number one has been supplanted. Sigh.

Maybe I don’t have enough life of my own right now? I’m not busy enough. Since I gave up riding I have so much more time on my hands. Trying to fill it up. Really. I’m working on it.

So what do we do when our children go off and we lose our special place in their lives? We adjust. We get busy. We see them when we can. We love them all the time. We support and love sometimes from afar. It’s hard. It’s natural. It’s how life goes. We need to cut the cord. It’s the circle of life. God bless.

•  

A recent tragic event has entered my world. Not involving me directly but penetrating my heart and temporarily taking up residence there. It started me thinking about suffering. As I prayed this morning, that was the word that came out of my mouth, “suffering.”

This is what the bible says about suffering.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10  We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

Isaiah 43:2  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Psalm 23:4  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Reading over these passages, I ask myself, do the words console me? Yes, because I believe them. For someone who does not believe, the world can be a devastatingly frightening and miserable place. I can’t imagine getting through this life without knowing God.

Do you remember the song, “I never promised you a rose garden?” I do. It basically reminds us that life is unfair, bad things happen and we were never assured that everything would always be okay.  I hope you were never told that because that would just be cruel. Life is hard!

Before becoming a Christ follower, I still believed in God. I still spoke to God and prayed to God. So when disaster struck, I would turn to him for help, for comfort, for assurances that I would make it through whatever I was going through. I can’t imagine not being able to reach out to him.

Now as a devoted follower of Christ, I know he is always with me. Instead of praying to a bearded old man in the sky, I can access him by looking within. I am never without him. He walks with me, communicates with me (even when I am not paying attention) and holds me when I am in pain.

He reminds me of his presence when I am frightened.  A couple of years ago I woke up in the middle of the night with terrible belly pain. I couldn’t sleep. I paced the floor while my husband lie sleeping in the bed. I did not want to wake him. I wanted to will the pain to stop. Because I was so tired, I tried lying down again. I was afraid. What if I die? I looked to my left and into my walk- in closet. I have a window in that room. The night sky was clear (unusual for that time of year in Portland). It projected the light through the window pane and onto the wall. Because of the horizontal and vertical grids on the glass, the projected image was that of a cross. I had never noticed it before.  But it was crystal clear that night. God was letting me know that he was there with me and not to be afraid.

Life is unpredictable, ever changing. Sometimes things happen to us that are painful. Sometimes joyful. It is all part of life. We must be ready for the rough seas, the strong winds, being knocked off our feet. How do you do that? Turn to God. He is always there and always listening. Take comfort in knowing that. You can find solace in knowing that in the form of Jesus, God suffered greatly in order to understand our suffering. He provides comfort to us in times of great need so that we are equipped to provide it to others. See how that works?

When you are engulfed by pain and sorrow, know this; it will not always hurt as badly as it hurts now. It will not last forever. There is a God who loves you and wants to carry you through your suffering. All you have to do is ask. God bless.

 

•