For Dear Life

When I think of the expression “aging gracefully” I imagine someone who has allowed Father Time to do its bidding with them. They do not fight it nor resist it. They accept it, just as they accept the sun coming up in the morning or the stars twinkling in the sky at night. They make no alterations to their bodies – i.e., let the grey shine through! Let the wrinkles shout out to the world I have lived a good long life! Gravity? Who cares? They simply make adjustments for the changes their bodies have undergone as a result of getting older. I say “Bravo!” to these people. I believe they truly are “aging gracefully”. More power to them. Is that me? Heck no! Vanity is my middle name!

The idea for this topic came straight out of my new book, “The story she had to tell”. The main character, Madeleine, is thinking about aging and is not very happy with what it has done to her looks. She is 85. What’s interesting is that her ghost writer, Heidi, is in her 60’s and feels exactly the same way. Aging is like a dirty trick played on us when we’re not looking.

Madeleine’s philosophy for dealing with it is to “rise above”.  Go higher in your consciousness to a level where physical appearances have no importance, no real value. Who you are on the inside is what matters. We have all heard that one, right? But tell that to advertisers who have products to sell. They are telling us that our appearance is of utmost importance and we must do everything we can to stay beautiful, once we have reached that highly valued status.

What is my philosophy on aging? I don’t mind becoming wiser. I don’t mind the realizations that come with age, like discovering that the small stuff really doesn’t matter. All the changes in my mind seem to be positive. They have, after all, allowed me to write from a much better perspective than say 20 or 30 and certainly 40 years ago. Those are positives to my aging self.

Now we come to the physical. Do I dye my hair to hide the grey? Yes! Do I have minor (and I’m talking MINOR) things done to my face to impede the march of time? Of course! Do I work out and watch my diet so that my body stays slim and in good shape? Absolutely!

And then there are men, who seem to improve with age. Their faces reflect their wisdom, their trials in life. Their grey hair makes them look distinguished and sophisticated. Boo-hoo! Not fair, right? Well, it is what it is, ladies. Nothing we can do about it – except – we can use all the tricks and treatments out there that our wallets will permit to distract Father Time and send him to our neighbor’s house.

Getting older is a good thing. It beats the alternative. Realize that your real beauty is on the inside. Take a lesson from the women out there who are “aging gracefully”.  “Rise above” it all. You’re better than this. And then make an appointment with your hairdresser to get your hair colored. Vanity can be a good thing, can’t it?  :))

I love computers – when they are working! Yesterday I sat down to write my blog and lo and behold, the internet crashed! Several hours, much frustration and one new modem later, we were back in business. So I wrote my blog the old fashioned way – pen and paper! Can paper crash? Of course not. Now, on to my blog.

Have you ever agreed to do something only to regret it later? And then you go inside your head, trying to come up with a reasonable and non-guilt generating excuse for  getting out of it?

Sometimes, of course, you have a legitimate reason not to do what you committed to do.  You wake up the day of with a fever. Your spouse or partner or family member  is being taken to the hospital for emergency surgery. You tripped and fell and now you have a broken/twisted/swollen ankle. You get the idea.

But how about the excuse that you changed your mind and you just don’t want to? Isn’t that okay? NO. Why not?

It’s called integrity – ” firm adherence to an especially moral or artistic code..” Without it, how can people rely on you? You need to be a man/woman of your word. People count on it. It’s part of what makes you, you.

Years ago (years and year ago) I participated in EST (Erhard Seminars Training), named for the founder, Werner Erhard. It covered two weekends and was very expensive. Fortunately I didn’t have to pay for it. My boss did. He had just gone through it and felt the benefits far outweighed the cost.

I don’t remember a lot from it but a few valuable lessons have remained with me. One of them is ‘Keep your commitments!’. I don’t know about you but if I fail to keep a commitment I have made I have this nagging feeling inside that makes me feel crummy. I can’t talk myself out of it, either. It sits there, like an unwanted guest who won’t leave.

I recently had an experience with that guest. I had made a commitment to go somewhere with friends and later changed my mind. I absolutely did not want to go. I lied about it (shame on me!) and made up an excuse why I couldn’t go. In comes the unwanted guest. I felt uncomfortable, weak, unsure of what to do. Then it hit me – ‘keep your commitments!’. I made the decision to do just that. I’m going and I’m going to enjoy myself!

After making that final decision, I felt 100% better. I may still have a few reservations about going, but I can deal with those.

Here’s the thing – think carefully before saying ‘yes’ to anything. Don’t get caught up in the moment only to regret your decision later. But if you do say ‘yes’, then follow through with it. Unless of course you trip and break your ankle. No, I mean really break your ankle.  Keep your commitments! :))

When I meditate, things pop into my head, a phrase, two or three words strung together. It could be something I have thought about before that bears repeating or it could be a new thought, coming out of the blue, seemingly from nowhere. This morning it was the six words you see above. ‘Listen – all you hear is God.”

And so I listened. I heard birds outside of my bedroom window chatting to each other. Yes, I thought, that’s an easy one. Of course that is God. I listened some more. Nothing. Not even my two cats were willing to contribute. They left the room as if to say, “We’ll be out in the living room whenever you are finished with whatever it is that you are doing in here.”

I had to give it some more thought, obviously. So this is how I interpret it. Any sound I hear during the day or night, is God. That includes words coming out of people’s mouths, music and even noise coming from the television or radio. It is all God. God is all there is. If God is all there is, then everything that enters my ears is coming straight from God. Does that include the things I don’t like? Yes. Mean words coming from people I am presently unhappy with? Yes. How is that possible?

We don’t get to say that the “bad stuff” (which we label as bad, by the way) isn’t part of our lives, just the “good stuff”. It’s all part of our lives. What would a novel be like if only good things happened in it? Boring? It certainly would not hold your interest for very long. We need challenges, conflict, ups and downs. Without the downs, how would you recognize the ups? Without pain, would you feel pleasure? Without sadness, would you know joy? I think not.

If I have things that must get done but I don’t want to do them, I do them anyway and then I feel not only that I accomplished something but I am happier that they are done and I am now “free” to do whatever I want to do. If I stay home and do nothing all day except what I want to do, knowing I had other things to accomplish but didn’t, then I am not as happy as I would have been had I done them! Make sense? Can you relate?

Back to God. What I am saying here is that all the input your brain takes in during the day is God. It may not please you to hear it but it is God nevertheless. It may be something you needed to hear in order to make a decision. It may make you think of something that will ultimately change your life. Or it could make you take the first step on a wonderful, magical journey that you wouldn’t have begun otherwise.

Listen…. hear the sounds. Dismiss the ones of no value to you but know the source. Don’t be so quick to judge what you hear as either “good” or “bad”. Allow it to settle in for a while, relax into your mind. Take a deep breath and say aloud,  ” It’s alright. All I hear is God.”

I recently listened to someone describe motherly love as “fierce”. I couldn’t agree more. I am sure there are exceptions. All mothers are not the same, even in how they love their children. I tend to be of the fierce loving kind. I have two sons whom I love with an unrelenting devotion. This brings me to another thought about motherly love. A phrase I heard not that long ago – “You can only be as happy as your least happy child.”  I pondered that briefly when I first heard it. Is it true for me? Oh, yes!

Both of my sons were married once before to wonderful women but not the right women for them. The divorces were not only ugly but very painful for all involved. Fortunately my sons were not going through their pain at the same time. I would have been a wreck! My oldest went through it first. He was at the lowest point I had ever witnessed. I could not bring myself to feel joy while he was suffering. It just wasn’t going to happen.

Years later my youngest son went through a similar pain. He even lived with us for a short time. That was hard. I saw the hurt in his eyes every day. I heard it in his voice. I watched him slowly disappear into himself. It was a difficult time for both of us.

Fortunately both of them survived and as they say, thrived. Both met and married women who were better matches for them and are now the happiest I have ever known them to be. And this truly fills my heart.

So why are we as mothers unable to feel complete happiness if one of our children is suffering? This should be obvious, right? I am sure there are wonderful mothers out there who can still manage happiness even when one or more of their children is in pain. This has to be the case. Are they stronger than we are? Are they more rational? Are they more trusting that all will be well in the end? Perhaps. And that hits on something that we mothers of the first kind (the ones who suffer) should give more thought to. Trusting. We should trust that our children will recover from this painful experience, whatever it is, even grow from it, and come out on the other end a stronger, better version of themselves. How hard would that be for us to do?  Good question.

I have talked about trust before. It is an invaluable tool at our disposal any time we need it. Trusting that all will be well can be challenging especially when everything in front of our eyes speaks to the contrary. But that is exactly when we need this tool the most.

Our children are extensions of ourselves. They are pieces of our heart that have broken free but we can feel them as if they were still within us. Maybe that’s the reason we cannot be happier than our least happy child. Our children are not completely separate, ever, for many of us mothers. You might as well stick us with a pin, we feel the pain the same way, even if it is our child who is the recipient.  As we all know, people have different tolerance levels for pain. That could explain the reason not all mothers are the same when it comes to the suffering of their children.

The mothers in my life, my own mother who has passed, my sister, my relatives, my close friends, are all cut from the same cloth. For better or worse, we are only as happy as our least happy child. My sons know that about me and I think it brings us closer. They know they are never alone in their pain. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m a mother. It’s what I do. I’m fierce.  :))

Her eyes opened slowly.  She was lying in her bed, under the warmest of covers, with lots of soft pillows around her and under her head.  The room was peacefully decorated, pale green walls, like the color of pistachio ice cream.  There were light flowing curtains, the colors of which complemented the room.  A window above her head looked out into the back yard.  A large oak took up most of the view.

She had been blissfully sleeping until the sunlight poured into her room, flooding the bed and her face with a warm glow.  Being awake or being asleep was practically the same for her.  She rarely left her bed anymore.  She was dying, at least it felt to her that way.  This was not something to feel badly about, you see Madeleine had turned 85 on her last birthday.  Hardly an age where anyone would say “Such a shame!  She was gone before her time!”

Madeleine had lived a long and very colorful life with many adventures.  Her life had brought her both tragedy and triumph, and all sorts of things in between.  You know, your typical human story, or not.  Madeleine’s life was definitely of the “or not” kind.

As she lay there, a smile crept over her face.  “I have had a good, long life,” she thought to herself.  “It is time to move on to the next adventure.”  And then she began looking back over her life as it unfolded before her.  She had so many stories to tell.  Maybe she should tell them to someone who could put them down on paper?  It was a unique life, one that people would surely be interested in.  But who could she get to tell the story?

She began thinking about who would be up for the task.  After all, she had lived almost a century.  How much of this life was worth writing about?  She had a friend, a much younger friend, who was a writer.  If she had the time, maybe her friend could do this.  Of course she would have to be paid for her time.  That would not be a problem.  Madeleine had not spent much of her money over the last several years.  She had enough saved up to pay for several ghost writers, let alone just one.  The decision had been made.  She would call her friend Heidi and ask her if she had the time and the interest to tell the story of Madeleine’s life.  And that is exactly what she did on this very day when the sun had awakened her from her blissful sleep.

“Heidi, this is Madeleine.  I have a favor to ask of you.”  “Of course,”, her friend answered.  “What do you want?  Do you need me to come see you?”  Heidi did not live in the same town, or even the same state, but she was not so far away that she couldn’t come see her friend on short notice.  “Well,” said Madeleine, “Here’s the thing.  You know I have no idea how much longer I will be around.  I think back on my life and I have had some very interesting adventures.  It might be a good idea to write a book about them.  I would like to tell my story.  Would you be interested in taking it down for me?  Even with glasses my eyes don’t work the way they used to.  Maybe you could record it and then turn it into a book?  You could stay here at the house with me, or go back and forth every week or so.  I would take care of all of your expenses, plus pay you for your time.  What do you think?  Do you have time to do this for me? Does it sound like something you might want to do?”   Heidi took a moment to think about it.  What did she have going on in her life right now?  She had lived on her own since her husband passed away a few years before.  She had struggled since then with what to do with her life.  Her children were grown with busy lives of their own.  She saw them regularly but it was not enough to fill a life.  She volunteered at the local animal shelter, but that was only twice a week.  She had not written anything since her husband died.  She had lost all motivation.  This opportunity ignited something inside of her that felt right.  It would be fun to spend time with an old friend, have a change of scenery and write again,  write again.  Maybe this was just what she needed to feel invigorated, to feel needed.  Why not?  “I’ll do it!” she said.  “When do we start?”

Madeleine was thrilled.  “That’s wonderful!” she said.  “This will be great fun.  I am so happy that you said ‘yes’.  It means a lot to me, Heidi.  When can you come down?”  “How about Friday afternoon?  I will take a cab from the airport, so don’t worry about that.  I could be at your house by early evening.  We can order in and start making a plan.”  “Terrific”, replied Madeleine.   As each of them hung up the phone they both felt a warmth in their hearts that had until recently been absent.  Madeleine’s eyes filled with tears.  “This was a good idea, she thought.  Now I can tell the story of my life so that even people who do not know me will know about me and the wonderful life I have lived.  “A life lived well, I would say.”

And that is how it all began.  It started with the idea of a dying woman with a desire to tell her story.

STAY TUNED!  BOOK SHOULD BE OUT BY THE SPRING OF NEXT YEAR!

In June of this year a woman made an announcement at our church that she would be offering a workshop on awakening your inner warrior. I was intrigued. It immediately struck a cord within me and I hear a voice inside say “You have to do this.” I didn’t really give my husband a chance to voice his opinion, I was determined to do it. (Well, there was some waffling on my part before a full commitment was made, but I recovered from that and quickly signed up.)

I initially thought that this workshop would help me create an inner warrior – someone inside me who would help me fight my battles, real or imagined. I believed that  after I created this inner warrior, I would be one of a minority of people who had one. On the first day of the two day workshop it became very clear to me that we all have an inner warrior! You don’t have to create one, it is already there! The problem is it is fast asleep in most of us, including me.

Why am I talking about this in my blog, you ask? Because it changed my life, for the better, of course. Because it changes the lives of anyone who takes the training. How? It teaches you that your real ally in fighting battles is not your brain but your gut, your “belly brain”. Having discussions in your head, debating the pros and cons of circumstances removes you from the immediate need to take action. By the time you have figured out what you should do, you are already on the ground, defeated!

This was big news for me, a gal who lives very comfortably in her head, 24/7, always have. I thought that was the part of me that was my protector, defender, savior, you name it. Well, having a good brain is definitely a positive, but in certain situations it is better to lead with your gut. This is not the time to think things through – this is the time to act!

The workshop is a combination of martial arts (no prior training is required) and spiritual work. By the end of the second day you feel amazing because not only have you awakened your inner warrior but you have used it to survive! And then you realize you have immense inner strength, courage and the ability to handle just about anything that may come your way. It boosts your self esteem, your confidence and your pride, all in just two days. Pretty amazing, right?

Below was taken from their flyer which advertises their next workshop. I would normally not use my blog to promote anything, other than my own books, perhaps! But I believe so strongly in the value derived from this workshop that I wanted to get it out there.  You cannot put a price on the value it will bring into your life, something that will live with you forever.

Check out the flyer, contact me if you have questions or contact Dawn Callan directly. She is the leader of the workshop.  Her email and telephone number are listed on the flyer.  You cannot go through this training without feeling more of who you were meant to be. I promise. Thank you for listening.  :))

Dawn Callan, 10th degree black belt, author, Life-Counselor, Security Consultant and Founder of Transformative Arts Institute, teaches the workshop.

The cost of the workshop is $495.00.

“I am the advanced training officer in a department of over 400 officers. In two decades of being a cop this is the best training I have found anywhere.” Mark E. Jenkins Seattle WA

“I was astonished to find that it set in motion in me a new way of seeing myself in relation to others.  I find I approach others more confidently and with more ease.  I am more assertive, and less avoidant of difficult conversations.  I’m a psychologist and I wish all my patients would take this course! Dan Quinn PhD. Clinical Psychologist

Our signature is transformation    The changes are powerful and permanent.

dawncallan@att.net                 760-859-7271

You have the power to make great changes in your life, starting with your attitude. If you have relationships that need improving, that are worth keeping, you first have to realize you have no control over the other person. You can nag, cajole, argue, stand on your head, all to no avail. The ONLY person you can change is yourself. It may be as simple as changing your perception of the other person, becoming more compassionate, trying to understand their point of view, etc. If you consistently tell yourself that it is the other person who is wrong, it is the other person who needs to change, you will end up disappointed and stuck in an unhappy relationship. Try experimenting. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Change your attitude about the other person, change your behavior toward them. Watch what happens! You may feel like a miracle has occurred, but it was you who manifested it.  It will be you who is responsible for  making your life (certainly your relationship) better, happier, more fulfilling.

You are writing the script to your life. Yes, stuff happens, but you have the power to decide how you will respond to it. And that makes all the difference.  Two small examples from my own life. My horse Barbie went lame at the beginning of April, this year. She is still lame. I have not been able to work with her for over three months now. The Vet was out to see her yesterday and although he is pleased with her progress, he wants to give her two more months before we start working together again. We are now at the point where I can ride her at the walk, but we cannot practice our tests in order to get ready for any shows. (We are smack in the middle of show season now. My original plan was to be in four shows this season. Last year I was in two, my very first two.) At this point I will be lucky to participate in one show.

I could be very upset, depressed, angry, all of the above, at the misfortune I am experiencing at the barn, due to a lame horse. To what end? It wouldn’t be good for me, or anyone around me, to carry that ugly black cloud around with me all day, every day. So, I opted for passing through this experience, taking advantage of some down time with my horse, (I still have to hand walk her if not ride her, i.e.,  spend time with her) and having extra time away from the barn to work on other things (like writing my second book!).

Example number two. My washing machine broke down a week and a half ago as I was starting to do the prior week’s laundry. It is just me and my husband but we generate three loads per week. We had a repairman out who said it was the mother board. He could fix it for something like $370 or we could order the part online for about $60 and install it ourselves. We chose Option B, which meant waiting until the part arrived. By the time it got here and my husband installed it (Yay!), I had two and a half weeks of laundry stacked up. Very, very small problem, but frustrating nevertheless. I am sure you know people who would have been very upset over it. I almost was. I decided to pretend everything was fine.  Life went on. I used just about every pair of underwear in my drawer, but finally we were back in business and all was once again normal in the Tauber residence.  (and clean!)

As I said, these two examples of current events in my life are small potatoes to what other people endure. Tragedies and very serious illnesses happen every day to people. People you know, people you love, even yourselves.  What do you do? You deal with the things you can control, release the things you cannot and pray.  Change what you can, let go of the rest.

The Serenity Prayer is very powerful and speaks directly to what I am saying here.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  the courage to change the things I can,   and the wisdom to know the difference.”

You cannot change other people. You can only change yourself. Make the positive changes in yourself and see what miracles occur all around you, making your world a better place and your relationships happier. You have the power. Use it!

This is the year for me to really step out of my comfort zone – a lot. It all started when I came up with the idea to write a book, a memoir. I am beginning to realize that writing it was the easy part. Now the real work begins – how to promote it! In reality I am not just promoting my book, I am promoting myself, something very, very foreign to me, not to mention uncomfortable. I have been out of my comfort zone so much this year and yet there is more to go.  And because I am writing a second book, it seems like promoting is something I will have to get used to, as well as being away from my comfort zone.

What is the lure of the infamous “comfort zone”? Well, for starters, it’s comfortable!  And who doesn’t want to be comfortable? To me it’s like climbing into a fluffy, soft, downy bed and pulling the covers up around your neck, snuggling in for the night.  Ah, no thinking required here! Or it’s like curling up on the couch with my latest People magazine, with no one to bother me but my cats. Comfort zone. But just like being on vacation forever turns vacations into boredom, staying in the comfort zone is not good for you, mentally, physically or spiritually.  “A body at rest, tends to stay at rest…”. Yes! How hard is it for you to get out of a warm and inviting bed or off of a couch that wraps itself around you in a way that makes you feel loved? Hard.

There are people who spend most of their lives in the comfort zone. These are not the pillars of society, the men and women of the military, the great inventors, entrepreneurs, heroes, teachers, scientists, authors, etc. No, these people get out of their comfort zones regularly. And I will tell you why. Because you cannot grow in the comfort zone. You cannot stretch and become more than you were the day before. You cannot achieve greatness or anything above what you already have, while occupying the place where you are comfortable all of the time. It doesn’t work that way.

When your life is going along smoothly, you are on a straight line, the same level, no big changes or stresses to bring you out of yourself. Life feels pretty good, but there is no real growth going on during these times. When something happens and your world is turned upside down, that is when you are challenged, that is when you grow. I had a psychologist tell me once that  the only way you know you are growing is if it hurts.

So this Sunday I am having my first official book signing at Warwick’s Bookstore in La Jolla, from noon-2pm. I probably will not sleep well the night before and will be nervous when I first walk into the store.  But I believe I will have a great time, and I will feel more confident when I leave there. Why? Because I stepped out of my comfort zone and allowed myself to grow a little.  Would it be easier to stay home, curled up on the couch with a good book? I could eliminate the nerves and sleep better the night before! Yes, but my life would be the same. I would be the same. We were put here to grow and to learn and to make a difference. You can’t do that if you never leave your comfort zone. Being “uncomfortable” can become your favorite way to be!  (Yeah, I’m still working on that.)  :))

Example of me, out of my comfort zone.  My first horse show, June 2013.

This morning I did an interview with Carlana Charles of “This Lady Writes” about my book, “For Dear Life”. Listen, enjoy and please share! I think I did alright for my first book interview! Thank you!

This is a subject that could fill a book – maybe several books.  I will try to narrow it down to cover the thoughts I had today.  I am a big proponent of controlling what you can and letting go when you know you can’t.  I spent some time today with a friend who is going through a rough time in her own family and then on top of that she is surrounded by challenges facing other family members and friends.  It is making her a little crazy, understandably.  My automatic response was to suggest that she hand over two of the three worries to God and if she must worry, stress over just one thing at a time.  She thought that might work.

When things are not going our way there is only so much we can do about it.  The rest we can worry about, anguish over, or simply let it go –  if you are a believer, then give it over to God.  He can take it!  He is much better equipped to deal with it than you are.

I appreciate the fact that I have some control over my life.   It makes me feel more in charge of my destiny.  But sometimes, especially when other people are involved, I have no control and that’s the hard part.   When I found out my young son and his wife were moving to Oregon, I was very sad.  We had a routine lunch every two weeks where we talked about all things new in our respective worlds.  That was about to go away.   Their decision came too quickly, also.  First it was a “maybe someday” and then it was we move in 30 days!  The only way I knew to get rid of the terrible hurt I felt inside was to let it go.  It has made all the difference.  I am still sad when I think about it, but I am mostly okay.

A completely different type of letting go is traffic.  Driving home today should have taken me one hour.  Instead it took 2 1/2 hours.  I had heard of an accident which was on the freeway directly in my path.  I got on the freeway anyway, moving a few feet every couple of minutes.  I decided I would be one of those “smart” people who gets off and drives the surface roads until I passed the accident.  That was a bad decision.  Bumper to bumper there too.  I guess there were other “smart” people who had the same idea.  Then I made a wrong turn and had to come back the other way.  I got on another surface road which told me, by its signage, that I was on the way back to the freeway.  Hooray!  I didn’t mind creeping slowly, knowing I would eventually get to the onramp I needed.  Literally a half hour later I could see the onramp ……….  and it was closed!!!

I turned around, got on the freeway in the wrong direction (traffic flowing nicely) and got back on, going the way I wanted to go.  Still crawling traffic.  I knew I had a few miles to go to get passed where they said the accident had occurred.  It was hot in my car, despite the windows being open.  I didn’t want to use the air conditioner because I was running low on gas.  I was hungry, having missed lunch altogether.   I had options here, many.  I could get really upset and frustrated.  I could lose it, walking away from my reasonable self.  Or I could “let it go”, knowing that I would get home eventually.  That is what I did.  I stayed the course.  Soon I was sailing home at a regular speed.

I passed by the accident on my left.  It was not a small one.  I felt terrible and for a moment I prayed for the passengers.  I came home and read that one man died in that crash, not his fault.  Perspective, anyone?

Trying to control the uncontrollable is crazy-making.  Control what you can (which almost always involves just you) and practice letting go of what you cannot control.  It will make your life a whole lot easier.  I promise.  (Insert Serenity Prayer here.)