Author: Sarah Tauber

“There!”, Bill said, obviously upset as he threw the ties on the bed.  “You decide!” He was angry because I wanted the final say on which ties he kept and which he tossed or gave away. He was cleaning out his closet due to the upcoming move. Was I out of bounds? In his mind I was trying to assert control over him, which was clearly not a good thing, not if I want to stay married.

I knew instantly that I needed to fix the situation. “It’s okay. Throw away what you want. I’ll back off,” I said, hoping to restore the peace. I heard him say under his breath, “No you won’t.” I left the room, leaving him alone, hoping he would get passed it. I resigned myself to not only accept whatever he threw away but to not even look into the bag he was putting together. No more was said.

When I came home that afternoon from the barn, he greeted me with “The ties on the right side of the bed are the ones I want to keep. Those on the left I’d like to throw away. Go ahead and look them over and pick out any from the throw away pile that you want me to keep.” This was said nicely and calmly, by the way. “Okay,” I said, surprised at his change of heart. I subsequently found three I liked that he was planning to get rid of. He told me to put them with the others that he was keeping.

Taking advantage of his sweeter mood I explained to him that if I were going to throw away a blouse or a dress that he really liked, I would keep it. He understood. Crisis averted.

Relationships are hard. Communication between two people, especially of the opposite sex, makes it that much more challenging.  Bill has buttons. We all do. I think I know most of them by now after fifteen years together but sometimes his mood can cause a reaction that I wasn’t expecting. The tie scenario is a case in point. You try to glean the mood of the other person before tempting fate. This doesn’t always work. I have misread his moods many times, sometimes to the good and other times to my detriment.

Now when he is irritated I try to look beyond my needs to see what might be the root cause. Maybe he didn’t sleep well the night before or he’s stressing over work issues. He’s worried about our future (a common one of late). All of these have proven to be the source of his irritability in the past.

Listen before reacting. Knee-jerk reactions can get you into big trouble and end up escalating the situation beyond your control. I can honestly say that recently my non-reaction has produced zero arguments and lots of happy moments. This because I chose to keep my mouth shut when all I really wanted to do was bitch! And that makes me a bitch, too, doesn’t it?

Certainly there are times when you must speak up. But determine those times carefully, before the accusations fly. Think it through. There’s a reason for the saying, “first count to ten.” The connotation of words, although seemingly universal, isn’t. This is especially true if you are dealing with the opposite sex. I remember years ago getting into an argument with my first husband over the word “upset.” His understanding of what it meant was clearly different from mine. The fact that he was German simply added to the confusion.

Here is my advice when you are faced with a potentially volatile situation with a spouse, partner, child, friend, etc. 1. Listen, don’t just hear. 2. Try to understand where the other person is coming from. 3. Empathize. 4. Now you can talk but don’t use accusatory language. Watch it turn into a peaceful conversation instead of a heated argument.

In last week’s sermon, our pastor said this, “To avoid a vengeful heart remember hurt people hurt people.” Think about that.

Good luck!  :))

 

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Last week I complained about how overwhelmed I was with our upcoming move. I spoke of being crabby and unnecessarily irritable, sleep deprived and addled. This week, as I am beginning to check off some of the boxes on what appears to be a neverending to-do list, a bright thought enters my mind. I’m crazy stressed out but isn’t it great to be alive?

The fog that as little as two weeks ago engulfed me has lifted ever so slightly. I can now see the floor. I feel a modicum of control again. Ergo the ray of light, the optimistic thought that reminds me of all the good in my life.

My husband doesn’t understand how choosing a potential hairdresser or church in Portland can make me happy.  These are twigs I am collecting to build my new nest with. I can’t go to Portland with nothing! I must bring with me as many nest building pieces as I can. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to being settled into what could easily be our “forever home” with my important and necessary relationships (hairdresser, chiropractor, grocery store, doctor, church, etc.) locked down, even if some of them change down the road. One at a time, please.

Sure, I have stress in my life right now. I have trouble sleeping. I worry about the future sometimes. But, boy am I happy to be alive and well, stressed or not!

I read a story today of a man we know who has a rare form of cancer and possibly only a few years to live. He has recently come home from a long hospital stay and is so weak he can barely get out of bed. He has trouble eating and sleeps most of the time. It breaks my heart. His story is one of thousands. It brings be back to what is important and what is merely a temporary discomfort.

That reminds me of something I saw on Facebook yesterday. A small circle a few inches away from a larger circle. Inside of the smaller circle were the words, “comfort zone.” In the larger circle it said “this is where the magic happens.” Good food for thought. It takes your fear of the unknown and turns it into excitement for the adventure that is to be.

No matter what your current story is, remember and say aloud, “It’s great to be alive!” You’ll be amazed at how it changes you. God bless.

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It’s hard to sleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night I lie awake for hours before dozing off. During the day it is hard to focus on anything but what is currently going on. I am making lists and keeping notes. Lately I’ve noticed that I am irritable and crabby and taking it out on anyone who is lucky enough to be nearby. I’m quick to get angry. This is not who I am!

It’s the impending move. We haven’t put the house up for sale yet but within the next few weeks we will. We’re deciding between two realtors. We’ve had an appraisal done, a stager come out with suggestions, a painter come out to give bids. I’m trying to find a handyman to do several odd repair jobs. I think I have found a mover but haven’t decided for certain. I believe I have a transport company for my horse but the timing can’t be locked in yet and I’m not sure how smoothly that will go. They have to book it when there are other horses going to the same general area. I have decided that no matter what I must be there on the other end when she arrives. What about our two cats?

Boxes. We need boxes. Lots of them. Will the appraisal be high enough for what we need to sell for? Will the house sell too quickly for us to get out of here? Will it not sell soon enough? When do I give notice to friends and service providers? When the house goes into escrow or when we put the house up for sale? What if it sells and then falls out of escrow?

Welcome to the inside of my mind. I thought I was coping well until I noticed three days in a row that I was in a bad mood,  wanting to lash out at people. That is not acceptable. I will not turn into the mover’s equivalent of “bridezilla”!  No, I have to figure out how to do this moving thing without killing anyone. And then it came to me this morning, One day at a time. That sounds simple enough but can I do it? I have to. I have no choice if I want to stay married and keep my friends. Of course I can do it but how?

I will not look beyond today for what needs to be done. If I need to set up future appointments, I will do so but then I won’t think about them once they are on my calendar. One day at a time.

I’m thinking this is my solution to not feeling overwhelmed. I’m supposed to enjoy the journey, right? This is still my life. It doesn’t stop and then re-start once we get to our destination. I will take my life  day by day, every day. Perhaps we should be living this way all of the time anyway.

When I wake up in the morning I will only allow myself to think about the next 24 hours. This will work.  It will keep me on more of an even keel. I won’t kill anyone, I promise. God bless. :))

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I’m sitting on the ground at the barn near my horse who is in a paddock playing. It’s hard to talk about coping in such a serene setting. All I can hear are birds overhead and the occasional whinny from one of the probably thirty horses that call this place their home. We (my trainer and I) moved our horses here a week and a half ago. So far, so good.  So where does coping come in?

My husband Bill came home a week ago after having hip replacement surgery. With all of this comes many additional tasks, a home that is upside down and new appointments to go to. For the most part he is doing well, except for some post operative swelling that is significant and painful for him. The thought of something happening to him was very real and very frightening. I am so grateful he survived. Now is the time for healing and coping, both of us in our own way.

If someone were to ask me how I am doing I would say I am coping well, most of the time. My husband is being very considerate, even more than his body is allowing him to be. But I still get tired and sometimes overwhelmed with taking care of him, the house, my horse, my life. I don’t sleep very well and often feel irritable and cranky. I was upset yesterday afternoon at a receptionist who told us we would have to come back tomorrow (90 minute drive, one way) because they hadn’t scheduled his ultrasound even though his doctor’s office told us to go there as soon as we left physical therapy. I was tired and ready for everything to run smoothly. When it didn’t, I almost lost it, in a waiting room full of people. Not very Christian like but very human.

How do I manage to remain a helpful, loving wife when I am tired and stressed out? I tell myself everything will work out just fine. This is temporary. I listen to Christian music and its wonderful messages, “You’re not alone..” or “You can lay it down…” (your worries) I take time in the morning for prayer. I escape with one of my many wonderful books. I go to the store alone and wander around mindlessly. I watch my shows on television. I find ways to recharge, like riding my horse or just hanging out with her.

I remember before my father died my mother had to take care of him for the last eight months. Her only respite was when either my sister or I would drive up there and take her grocery shopping. I don’t know how she did it, day in and day out. You do what you have to do,  I guess. In caretaking situations it is very important that the caretaker takes care of themselves. The reason is simple. Of what use or value are you if you are tired, overwrought and stressed out? Not only can you not function well as a caretaker, but deep down inside of you, you stop caring! You know how when flying they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first and then on your children? Same principle.

Find moments of escape, longer if possible.  Read, go for a walk, practice yoga, go for a drive, listen to uplifting music, meditate, pray.  Even five or ten minutes where you can let down and focus on yourself is beneficial.

Whatever you are going through you will get through it. It is a desert experience (biblical reference) that has a beginning and an end. Be aware of that. Be confident in your ability to cope and find your strength in yourself, in your loved ones and last but certainly not least, in God. Take care.

p.s. Happy Mother’s Day!

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No, I am not talking about body parts nor is this a lesson on Sesame Street. This is about being the hands and feet of Jesus, something we Christians are told to be.

Christ has no body on earth but yours, no hands but yours, no feet but yours.   Yours are the eyes             through which Christ’s compassion for the world is to look out; yours are the feet with which He is         to go about doing good; and yours are the hands with which He is to bless us now.                                                   Saint Teresa of Avila    

I hear the expression “be the hands and feet of Jesus”often and have come to what I believe is a good understanding of it but that is about as far as it goes for me. When I considered this topic for my blog today, I almost shelved the idea, feeling that it would be hypocritical of me to write about something I rarely do. What a phony! I thought to myself. What are you doing, Sarah, as the hands and feet of Jesus? Very little, I’m ashamed to say.

You might feel the same way about your contribution in this area. You’re probably thinking, as I did, of the obvious ways in which to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Ways like serving meals to the poor, going to Africa or some other third world nation and teaching about Jesus, or English or administering medical aid, or feeding the poor, or building a school, etc. Are you doing any of these? If you are, God bless you. This blog is not for you.

I am speaking to the average person, probably but not necessarily a Christian, who wants to serve others but feels like they are failing miserably if they are not in a soup kitchen or on skid row. Are these truly the only ways we can serve? Absolutely not. It dawned on me recently that the fact I am serving my husband now in a manner that is beyond the usual might count here. He is awaiting hip surgery and is in excruciating pain most of the time. I do much more for him right now than I would if he were not in this condition. It’s not heroism on my part, it’s what I signed up for when I married him. But I think it counts as serving.

My church has a weekend of service this coming weekend. I will serve in my community on Saturday for four hours. It’s inconvenient and makes me “give up” other activities I would much rather do. Big deal. This is what it means to serve. I helped a confused woman in the grocery store recently, does that count? Yes, I think so.

Here is the bottom line (Sorry if you hate that expression but it is expressive.) We were not put on this earth to take care of ourselves and ignore our fellow humans. We were put here to glorify God and help our brothers and sisters, especially those who are less fortunate than we are. If you are well off, then   you are in a unique position to assist others who are struggling. God isn’t impressed when you have your nails done or buy yourself a beautiful new outfit. He is impressed when you give a meal to someone who might otherwise go hungry, when you pray with someone who feels lost and alone, when you take things you no longer need or use and give them to someone who does need and will use. This is taking care of your fellow humans. This is being the hands and feet of Jesus. You don’t have to go to Africa, unless you want to. God bless.

                                            

 

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By all accounts I am an introvert. In a small gathering of friends I’m fine but put me in the middle of a large party and I don’t know what to do. It’s very uncomfortable. I’m a writer. My comfort zone is in front of a computer or notepad, alone with my thoughts.

My home has always been my comfort zone, not a big surprise. I think it is for most people. Even though I’ve grown personally in the last few years, I still have to push myself out the door six days a week (I am home all day on Mondays). Retreating into my cocoon is inviting, desirable and hard to resist. But resist I must. The draw is strong but spending your life in your comfort zone is not only a waste of your talents but it becomes a real loss for people around you whose lives you could potentially impact in a positive way.

One of my biggest challenges as a writer has always been promoting my books. Putting myself out there. It is difficult and frightening, not comfortable at all. I know of writers who love to write and are good at it but the fear involved in self promotion prevents them from being read.

This year I have decided to dramatically reduce my comfort zone time and push myself to step outside my shell. This means talking to more strangers, being more open and less self-aware. Being overly self-aware prevents you from taking risks out of fear of failure or worse, of looking foolish. I was always afraid that people might see that I don’t have it altogether, that I’m vulnerable and completely imperfect.

Here is  an undisputed fact – you cannot grow while in your comfort zone. You cannot stretch or unfold your wings. That’s not to say that there isn’t a recognizable need for the comfort zone. I retreat into it to recharge, regroup and prepare myself to step out and fly. But learn, grow, discover? With the possible exception of self-reflection, I cannot achieve anything within the confines of this limited space.

The lure to go there is real and understandable and that’s okay. Just be disciplined enough to pull yourself away so that your life has balance. Don’t deny yourself the chance to see how far you can go or how much you can grow.  Argue for your limitations and sure enough they’re yours.  Richard Bach

As I see it, spending most of your time in your comfort zone equates to playing it safe, choosing a smaller version of yourself. Get out into the world, start with training wheels if you have to, but learn and grow and discover – just how amazing you are!  God bless.

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