I was going to write about the power of music this week but what is in my brain of late is a scattered mess. This morning I told myself to take a deep breath. When I try to discern my thoughts it feels like watching clothes tumbling around in a dryer. Ask me an easy question and it takes me twice as long to answer. Words are swirling around inside my head until it feels like my brain will burst. Have you been there?
I like to be settled. I like familiarity. I like consistency, security, structure, plans, etc. My life is anything but those things right now. Because of this I am floundering and trying to keep it together for people who are unaware of what is going on. I pretend it’s life as usual but that is hardly the case. I am voluntarily ripping out my roots to make a big move out of state. Part of me is excited, the rest of me lies somewhere between uncomfortable and panic mode.
I mentioned it once before in another blog that we are considering a move to Portland, Oregon. Not a bad place, a place I actually lived in over 17 years ago. I’m older now and uprooting is more of a challenge. I love my life. I have an amazing church, a great trainer (horse), the best chiropractor (I’ve been going to him for 12 years) and the most talented and dearest friend for a hairdresser (15 years). I have a good health care plan that is not available in Oregon, wonderful and special friends and my sister whom I see every six weeks for a “sister day”. I have a son and daughter-in-law here plus three grandchildren and three step grandchildren although it is true that I have a son with a family in Portland as well.
To show you how much I resist change, I remember the moment I knew my first marriage was over. One of the first thoughts that came to me was, “But we have tacos every Friday night!” Routine, habits, tradition. Walking away from them is not only hard for me, it is painful and scary. But is that a healthy way to live? Shouldn’t breaking away from routine and branching out be good for us? Can’t the change you’re afraid of end up being the best thing that’s every happened to you? Yes!
On the other hand, sometimes making a big change can turn out to be a huge mistake, right? Even disastrous! Oh Lord, help me please.
My husband also has mixed feelings. If he were more on board and optimistic, it would be different but he’s hesitant. He has his reasons, both of which I understand. But then he started the whole move conversation some time ago, making it sound like we had no choice.
I pray about it but no answers come. I try to turn it over to God but decisions have to be made, work has to done, people must be notified.
I’ve been living in limbo for months now not knowing what we will end up doing. Limbo is not my favorite place to be as you can imagine. A decision has to be made soon. We have people waiting in the wings, ready to begin the process.
Breathe, Sarah, breathe. No matter what you decide, you and Bill will make it work. You always have and you always will. Stay tuned…..