Author: Sarah Tauber

When you don’t get to know why

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

I have always been the kind of person who felt most comfortable when I knew (and generally understood) what was going on around me. The why’s of something. If I understood why something happened, I could respond appropriately and take the next steps if required. Not knowing why or not understanding was the equivalent of crazy making for me. What do you do with yourself when something happens and you can’t explain it? How do you react? How do you move on?

Some people prefer not to know why. “Ignorance is bliss,” right? Not in my world. I have always wanted to hear the truth, even the unpleasant, raw, disturbing truth. I don’t care how bad it is, just don’t lie to me. I raised my children this way. Tell me the truth. You won’t be punished for it.

My sister would probably say this stems from my desire to control. If I know, if I understand what is going on around me, I can deal with it. I can better respond to my immediate environment. There is probably some truth to the control theory.

Do we always get to know? No! Do we just have to live with not knowing sometimes? Yes! I might even say often.

I’d like to think that I have gotten better over the years. I have learned how to let go of things that I don’t understand. I stop trying to make sense of it and after a while like lint on my shirt I brush it off and forget about it.

People are complicated. Sometimes they don’t know why they do certain things or feel a certain way. How can we expect an explanation if even they don’t have one?

What’s the solution for people like me who want to know the whys – who want desperately to understand? Accept as one of the immutable laws of the universe that you don’t always get to know why. Surrender and move on. Let it go. By continually trying to figure something out that has no clear explanation, you will only tie up your brain which could be put to much better use on a task more productive and meaningful. It’s like beating your head against the wall – to what end? Did it solve the problem? No!

Life is an adventure, filled with all kinds of happenings. Some are wonderful, some challenging, some prickly and some devastating. When you get to know why and understand, be grateful, act accordingly and go forward. When you don’t, let it go and go forward anyway. Life is too short to bang your head against the wall, right? Just repeat after me,  “It’s all good.”  :))

The desert experience

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

No, I’m not talking about a weekend in Las Vegas or a vacation in Palm Springs. I’m speaking about something much more significant and life changing. In last week’s sermon our pastor spoke of the challenging times in our lives. The times when things aren’t going according to plan – our plan of course. You’re experiencing roadblock after roadblock. You’re facing a serious health challenge, major disappointments, bad surprises. He referred to this as a desert experience, similar to the one the Israelites faced when they wandered in the desert for forty years. He then stated that humans are always either coming out of a desert experience, in the middle of one or about to enter one. You might say these three circumstances make up the human condition.

Not a feel good lesson. I walked out of there thinking,  I’m not currently in a desert experience and haven’t just come out of one, so that must mean one is ahead of me. I had to admit that I haven’t been in one for quite some time. I count myself fortunate.

Sure enough, Sunday, in the middle of the night, I was awakened out of a sound sleep by a strong feeling of nausea. This is highly unusual for me as it has been many years since I’ve had such symptoms. Use your imagination for how I spent the remainder of the night. All day Monday I felt on the verge, even though the main symptoms had passed. I didn’t eat for 40 hours! It took several days to feel confident enough to eat normal food. Miserable, right? No question. But desert experience? Not much of one.

Then other things started happening and now I find myself fully in the desert. What’s next? What can you do when things go south?  1) Pray. That’s always a good choice. Asking God for help allows you to feel that you’re not in this by yourself which is incredibly comforting. It also gives you hope that a solution is out there and available to you.  2) Give thanks for what you have and for the blessings that have been given to you in prior desert experiences.  Being grateful for all the good in your life not only pleases God but changes your perspective from “Poor me. Life is miserable,” to “But I still have (fill in the blank) and (fill in the blank) and people who love me. Maybe I’ll get through this soon.” The good news is that the desert experience isn’t eternal. It has an end. You don’t stay in it forever.  3) Lean on friends and family. I’m a big proponent of group therapy because it helps you to realize others have the same or similar problems as you do. You were not singled out for this challenging time or this misery. We have all been in the desert, more than once. Use the support systems that you have. It can lessen your load significantly.

This is life. It’s what we signed up for. It means good times, neutral times and challenging times. Take solace in knowing that you won’t be there forever. Trust God. Have faith that you will endure. Know that your life will be good again. Take a deep breath and give thanks. :))

 

Potential

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

I was driving home from the barn the other day when I saw a sign posted on a fence that read, “Potentially dangerous.” I have no idea what it was referring to. I could see nothing in the area that would warrant such a sign, but there it was, warning us of something.

It started me thinking about the word “potential”. It’s a good word. A word that I would put in the same basket as “hopeful”, “possible”, “maybe”, “could be.”  The opposite of course would be words like “guaranteed”, “definite”, “absolute”, “forgone conclusion” or “done deal.” I prefer potential.

Webster defines potential as: “Existing in possibility, capable of development into actuality; expressing possibility.”  I like that. Isn’t it nice to think of something as “expressing possibility?” I love the word “hope.” Don’t tell me “no” or “it can’t be done” or “it won’t happen.”  I will cling to “hope” every time.

If we are listening to a doctor tell us the prognosis for a loved one or for ourselves, we don’t want to hear that the situation is without hope. We want to hear, even if it is a mere 10% chance, that a good outcome may prevail. Humans need hope.

Potential means that something or someone has the ability to become something more, something better than it already is. Your athletic child could potentially become a professional football player,  tennis player or golf pro. If our scientists keep getting funded, they could potentially cure cancer one day. If I stick to my training, I have the potential of winning blue ribbons on my horse in a dressage show. So many wonderful ways to play with the word “potential”.

There is a negative side to the word. Things can get potentially worse, “potentially dangerous”, as the sign read. But that isn’t a guarantee. It may not. And sometimes, it means things could go either way, potentially good or potentially bad, like when a man asks out a woman for the first time. She could say “yes” (potentially good) or “no” (potentially bad).  But remember that “good” and “bad” are our own judgements of situations. Maybe a “no” from this woman could lead him to the love of his life!

Here’s another wrench I’m going to throw into the discussion. When it comes to things like a doctor’s prognosis, if you are a believer, you know that God overrides all. A doctor gives you his best guess based on his knowledge and experience. God creates what we humans refer to as miracles, only because we have limited knowledge of what God is capable of. For God, miracles are everyday events. Doctors are human and therefore limited. God is all powerful. I choose to go with Him when it comes to such serious matters as my health.

Potential is a good word. It brings possibility with it. And for a brief while, you can see the outcome as positive, knowing that it could go either way, but nevertheless, believing in the good. Believing, that’s a topic for another day. :))

The ugly side of comparison

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Last weekend I attended a women’s retreat on Shelter Island in San Diego. It was my very first. I had no idea what to expect. Friday night, we had a lecture from two amazing women who have their own ministry called “Living Well Ministry”. The subject that night was “The Comparison Trap.”

How spot on it was. I don’t care how old or young you are, if you are a woman, you compare yourself all day long to other women, which usually makes you feel bad about yourself.  They called this type of comparison a joy sucker. Yes, indeed. Not only does it hurt us, but it divides us as well.

In our communication with each other, we often fall into one or more of four basic categories. These are terms that the ladies made up but they are very descriptive and you will know exactly what they mean right away.

1. “Shamer” – One who projects guilt onto another. “Well, if you cared anything about our friendship, you would have been there for me.”

2. “Corrector” – One who always has to be right. They correct someone, often in front of others, which can be particularly hurtful. You’re trying to tell a story and someone keeps correcting the details.

3. One-upper – One who has to be the “winner” in order to prove her own worthiness, even in the negative. “You were in labor for ten hours? Well, I was in labor for twenty-four hours and the nurses were amazed at how I handled it!”

4. Judger – One who forms an opinion and judges the rightness or wrongness of others. “How could she wear that outfit and think she looks good in it?”

There are antidotes for these.

1. A “Shamer” can become an “Encourager” – “You’re doing such a great job. Don’t give up! You’ve got this!”

2. A “Corrector” can become a “Mentor” – “Let me share with you what I have learned about that.”

3. A “One-upper” becomes an “Applauder” – “Congratulations on getting engaged! I’m so happy for you!”

4. And finally, a “Judger” can become a “Realizer”, someone who understands that we are all human, flawed, and that none of us has all the answers. We do the best we can with what we have.

If you pay attention to what you say to your friends and colleagues, or to spouses and partners, you will be amazed at how these four negative types of communication come out, often unintentionally. It shocked me when I started paying attention to my own speech. I corrected my husband on the way to the retreat! I may judge the parenting style of my children. But as a grandparent, you need to zip your lip!

Pay attention. You will be surprised and perhaps a little ashamed at how you are communicating with people you care about. It’s so easy to speak without thinking. The very worst example of this is in the movie “Who’s afraid of Virginia Wolf?”. In the film, Elizabeth Taylor continually corrects, judges, shames and belittles her husband, played by Richard Burton. It is painful to watch.

Whether Christian or not, it behooves us all to watch what we say to others. None of us is perfect but  ultimately our friendships and the strength of our relationships depend on our verbal interactions.

Be the person who cheers on her friends, one who builds them up when they are finding it difficult to do so. Share information when it will benefit the other person. Encourage someone who is struggling. You’ve been there yourself. We all have. Want to be a better person? Then encourage, applaud, mentor and show humility. People will be drawn to you. They will speak well of you to others. And many will want to be like you.

Be remembered for how you treated others, not for your accomplishments. Live well. :))

 

Spellcheck

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Upon re-reading my last blog, I noticed two spelling errors that despite several edits, had slipped by me. “Tenants” should have been “tenets” and “meeted out” should have been “meted out”. Much to my chagrin, the blog went out with these clear mistakes. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time. Spellcheck didn’t catch them because these are actual words, spelled correctly. Had they been misspelled, auto-correct would have caught them.

That started me thinking. What if our lives had an “auto-correct” function? What if when we messed up, in word or deed, it would be automatically made right on the spot? A little like going back in time a few minutes, or a “do over”. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Maybe. What if our mistakes teach us to become better people? What if they lead us to greater understanding, improved relationships, higher levels of consciousness? Am I really making a case for human error? Yes, I think so.

I’m going to omit from my discussion human error that leads to the death of innocent people at the hands of someone entrusted with their safety. I would prefer to eliminate that altogether if it were possible. But isn’t it true that we all learn from our mistakes? No, unfortunately not all of us. But let’s hope that most of us do. And when we learn from them, we generally become more aware of our actions and their consequences. We ultimately become better people.

Think back on some mistakes you have made, ones that had consequences with weight to them. How did it alter your life and did it change you in a positive way?

Some missteps in our lives have consequences that are irreparable. A broken relationship where the other person is not willing to forgive and forget. These  are tough lessons with a big price to pay. Your life will never be the same.

We have no control over other people and how they will react to us when we have hurt them. It takes maturity to own up to our mistakes, ask for forgiveness and hope for the best, knowing that we may ultimately lose. Then we have to move on,  wiser if not happier.

How can you learn lessons in life if you never mess up? Do you learn when you do everything right? Of course not.

So, what did I learn from the spelling errors in my latest blog? Instead of reading it back four times, make it five or six. But do you know what? It will happen again anyway. Some mistakes are unavoidable. We are human, and that’s what we do. We mess up. Try to keep the big mistakes to a minimum. You’ll ultimately live a better life.

 

Revenge

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Revenge is sweet.    Revenge is mine, sayeth the Lord. Two different ways of looking at something that we believe makes us whole after we have been wronged.  Here are some of the statements the bible has made about revenge.

You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the LORD.

Do not say, “I will repay evil”; Wait for the LORD, and He will save you.

not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.

See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.

May the LORD judge between you and me, and may the LORD avenge me on you; but my hand shall not be against you.
As a new Christian, one of the things I have learned is that God wants us to leave revenge up to Him. That’s His job. We are not to take that on ourselves, even if we feel righteous in doing so. If you are wronged by someone, don’t try to avenge yourself, leave it to God.
This might be easier said than done. Not only are we asked not to take revenge on our wrongdoers, but to forgive them! How crazy does that sound? Forgiving them is actually for your own sake, not for the wrongdoer. It lifts the burden off of you so that you can go on with your life. It doesn’t excuse the wrong that was done; it doesn’t take away the resultant pain, but it releases its hold on you so that you can move on.
We have all been there. We have all experienced pain (whether physical, emotional or both) at the hands of another. In that moment, all we want to do is lash out. We want the other person to experience the same pain that was inflicted on us, by their hand. The very idea of revenge tastes sweet. People have been tasting it for centuries. How difficult is it to give that up? The instant gratification of knowing you have paid someone back.
There are obvious overt ways to take revenge on someone. And then there is a not so obvious way – it’s called “passive aggression”. This is when you get even with someone who has hurt you but in a very subtle, almost sneaky way, where they never see it coming. This might taste even sweeter, at the time. In my lifetime, I have been very guilty of this type of  “revenge”.  Not very Christian like for sure, but I have always enjoyed it. It felt justified. I was the judge and jury and I meeted out the punishment. What’s wrong with that?
According to the bible, it is very wrong. I’m not saying it is easy not to retaliate, but in the long run it is better for your soul.
I am thinking about serious crimes. When these occur, we must let our justice system take over the position of judge and jury. And I know as I write this, that sometimes our justice system fails. That’s when we might expect God to step in. (O.J. Simpson comes to mind.)
You may not be a believer. It might make more sense to you to avenge the wrongs in your life. I am merely asking you to think about what I am saying. Hurting someone who hurt you – does that ultimately make everything right again? Does it make you feel better? Only you can answer that.
I realize that there are many times in your life where it doesn’t make sense to not take action. I am still learning about the tenants of Christianity and what is expected of us. But as I learn, I will pass some of the lessons on to you. And then you can decide what you want to do with them.
Food for thought!

 

Be a helping hand

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

With very few exceptions, the times in my life when I felt the most joy were when I was helping a fellow human being.  There’s something about making a positive difference in a person’s life.

As a fairly new Christian, I have learned that helping those less fortunate is one of the most important as well as necessary things we are called to do. Jesus spent his short life doing it, in major and miraculous ways. We may not be able to heal the sick or give sight to the blind but we are capable of doing so much for others who are less fortunate than we are.

Giving is not just for the wealthy. If you have a roof over your head, food on the table and at least some money in the bank, you can do wonders. I have often heard stories of people in drive-through lines who paid for the meal of the person behind them. My husband has on more than one occasion paid for the meal of a military family at a restaurant. Anonymous giving! Double blessing. Also included in this category are the gifts we buy for needy families at Christmas time through our churches or other charitable organizations.

Try signing up to send $19 a month to Wounded Warrior Foundation, St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, Shriners Hospital or another charity of your own choosing. $19 a month! I promise, you won’t even miss it! And yet its impact will be direct and tangible.

Volunteer at a soup kitchen, animal shelter, nursing home, thrift store. There are so many ways to give of your time, talent or treasure.

Analytical by nature, I ask myself why we feel so good when we help others. My answer – it gives us purpose, makes us feel valuable and validated. When we do something for ourselves, we feel good, but when we reach out to help someone else, we are blessed. It makes us feel we are here for a reason. There is a hidden gift in giving.

Find a way to help someone in need. Be of service to others, in small ways or big ways. It will change your outlook which will change your life. The ripples of your good deeds will reach farther than you could even imagine. Be a blessing! :))

Who are you when the cameras aren’t rolling?

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Watching the media circus that is the 2016 presidential race, I began to wonder.  What are these candidates like in the privacy of their own homes? What do they say to their spouses when the cameras aren’t rolling? Those are the conversations I would like to hear. It’s probably more indicative of who they are then when they are on television debating or participating in a town hall.

The chatter in my head continued. Am I the same person out in public as the Sarah who is at home with Bill? Are you?

The word I was looking for was “authentic”. To me, being authentic is your core personality. What distinguishes you from everyone else, i.e., what makes you, you. That should not change whether you are with strangers, friends and family or at home with your spouse or partner. That being said, I do believe the more comfortable we are in a particular setting, the more of ourselves we are willing to reveal. The less comfortable, less “safe” we feel, the less authentic we are. That’s human nature.

There is another side to this. Some people, I’ll call them “people pleasers”, will portray themselves to be whatever they think you want them to be so that you will like them. I spent years as a people pleaser so I know whereof I speak. I might put politicians in that category, at least during the campaign process, pleasing people to get votes. That doesn’t sound the least bit shocking. The problem becomes whom to trust with your vote? Who will they be in the White House? That same nice guy or gal you voted for because they understood your day-to-day problems? You just knew that what they were telling you was coming from a place of sincerity and truth. You’re sure that they won’t let you down once they are elected.

So, is that how it works? Of course not. Most of them will say whatever it takes to get votes. Even the most sincere will find tremendous road blocks to fulfilling their campaign promises once they are in their elected role, especially if that role is the President of the United States.

Then who do we put our faith in? Who do we vote for? Only outsiders? Non-politicians who have decided to run for office? Can we trust them more? Maybe, but in the long run, I believe their promises are just as shiny and enticing as those of the more seasoned politicians. They too will face challenges in the White House. Challenges that could ultimately prevent them from accomplishing the goals they set out to achieve.

Are we doomed? Is it a lose-lose scenario? No. You study the candidates, listen to them speak in the beginning of their campaign, the middle and the end. Choose the person who most represents your point of view. Someone who, in your mind, has the best chance of uniting the parties, reaching across the aisle and getting things done. Then you place your vote and hope for the best. It’s a bit of a crap shoot.

Now think about your own authenticity. Are you true to yourself regardless of the situation? Are you a people pleaser?  If you are, try just being yourself. Let your own unique light shine through. It’s best to be who you are. After all, no one else can.   :))

Attitude Adjustment

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

I’m feeling down. Certain things in my life are starting to get to me. People are starting to get to me. I’m considering a change in one area of my life because it isn’t working the way I want it to and I have no control over it. My only control is to get away and make a drastic change. It is my only hope right now. Or is it?

Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation that is not to our liking but beyond our control. It makes us depressed whenever we are in it but we feel helpless to change it. I found myself in just such a place recently and then a light went on in my head. All I need to do is to change my attitude about it! Really? Is it that simple? Yes!

If it is an unavoidable situation and completely beyond your control and leaving is not in your best interest, the solution is to change your outlook. Put on a new pair of glasses and see everything differently. It can be a challenge, for sure, but not impossible. And most importantly, it turns a “bad” situation into one you can live with and continue to be happy about. Crazy, right?

The more deeply I looked into myself the more I saw a negative attitude about this particular situation. I had slipped into a hole that was dark and uninviting. I didn’t like being there. I knew I could not change the other people involved but what I could change was how I viewed them. I could decide that the little inconveniences and challenges I had been facing were surmountable, given the right frame of mind. And of course they are.

We have talked about attitude before. It is hugely important. It can make the difference between being happy and being miserable. Yes! You are in charge of that! No one else is in charge of your happiness. Just you. Others can contribute to it, but ultimately it is your attitude about life that makes all the difference.

So today I will practice my new attitude and see how it goes. I’m sure it will go well. I have been in this position before, many times. When I decide not to let the things beyond my control have power over me, my life gets better.

I challenge you to do this. Next time you find yourself feeling upset about something you can’t control, try putting on a different set of glasses and see if it doesn’t changes things. Take charge of your happiness. Don’t let other people or situations you can’t control dictate your state of mind. That’s your job.

Be happy. Life is too short to be otherwise, right? :))

p.s.  This is my 100th blog!

Heroes

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Webster defines the word “hero” as  a person who is admired for great or brave acts or fine qualities. An illustrious warrior. One who shows great courage.

Having recently watched the movie “13 Hours” I have been thinking about what it means to be a hero. My definition would be someone who for a given period of time, puts aside their ego and focuses only on others who need help. Their only goal is to save, assist or otherwise rescue another human being or living creature. Thoughts of their own safety are replaced with a inexplicable compulsion to save the day.

I would put police officers, firefighters/EMTs and the military in that category just because of their career choice. They are demonstrating with their profession that they are there to serve others and often at their own peril.

I look at my two sons as heroes. My first born is a police officer, currently working for Homeland Security. He is still out on the street when called upon and has done so for many years.

My youngest served in the Marine Corps for eight years including two tours of duty in Iraq. Coming back from there had its own unique set of challenges. I credit his amazing wife for helping him overcome and even thrive.

The men who fought in the attack on the two Benghazi outposts on September 11, 2012 were heroes times ten, some making the ultimate sacrifice. The time they endured was more than most of us will ever know or experience. A very powerful film, “13 Hours” will stay with you for a long time.

Animals can be heroes. We have seen numerous examples, mostly involving dogs (although I did see a video last year of a house cat that chased away a vicious dog who was about to attack a young child on a tricycle). Horses are used in therapeutic settings for people with disabilities, including PTSD.

When you think of heroes, who do you think of? Acts of heroism may not always be front page news. Some are small and perhaps remain hidden. No one ever knows about them except the hero and the person(s) saved.

What about organ donors?  Or the person who leads a quiet life until one day an opportunity presents itself to them to make a significant difference? Suicide prevention operators? Teachers, doctors, search and rescue workers?

I’m sure you can make your own list. I have probably forgotten some obvious choices. The point is, whether given the “front page” treatment or not, acts of heroism occur every day in every city of the world. Let us give thanks that these people surround us, share the planet with us and have the selflessness, courage and heart to do the unthinkable.

Long live the heroes!