I am a happily married lady. We just celebrated our tenth anniversary with a vow renewal – big celebration. It was a wonderful way for us to say to each other that we want to continue being together as husband and wife. But recently I started thinking about the many things I do now on my own. This was not the case when I was a younger married woman. I was very dependent on my husband. Now things are different. Why is that and which is the better way to be?
As an older married woman it becomes painfully clear that one of these days I could be on my own. As unpleasant as that sounds, it is true. People do not live forever. My husband is several years older than I am and not as healthy. I still want him to be with me always but that is not going to happen.
It is also quite possible that I am the first to depart. He would be fine without me, at least practically speaking. I hope he would miss me terribly though!
It crossed my mind today that women, not just older women but all women, should be independent enough so that they could survive with little to no assistance from their partners, should anything happen and they end up alone. This is not earth shattering news to any of us, just something most of us probably don’t think about. Maybe we should.
The way my thought process worked was something like this, “I certainly do a lot of things on my own. It would be nice if I had him around more often to do them with me, or help me with them.” But then I thought, “Actually, I am glad I am independent enough to deal with these things on my own. If he weren’t around, I could still function. I could still pursue my horseback riding and my writing, book signings, writing group, maintaining a household, etc. I do all of the things now without his help and without him being there.”
I believe that all women should have a certain degree of independence, married or not. My grandmother could not put gas in the family car nor could she write a check. That was pretty typical back then. My mother was more independent from the start. She did not marry until her late twenties and had traveled by herself before doing so. When my parents divorced, she stumbled a bit but found her footing rather quickly. When my father came back ten years later (yes, that really happened) she was a stronger, much more independent woman.
I have several older women friends who are married yet remain strong and independent. It doesn’t mean that there are not times when they are feeling less of themselves or that they do not (or should not) lean on their husbands for support. It’s one of the perks! We are partners. Sometimes you are the strong one and sometimes it is your partner who has your back. This is completely natural, normal and wonderful.
When a person loses their partner or spouse, either through divorce or death, they need to be able to make it on their own, at least with the basics. That being said, it does not mean that they will not need to do some leaning, especially in the beginning, to help get them through. Those are two different things – leaning because you need support or being dependent on someone all the time to help you through life.
Teach your daughters the art of taking care of oneself. If necessary, teach you, too. It will do you well if you are ever alone one day. Life becomes less of a struggle and more of a joy. But always keep in mind if you ever need help, ask! If someone asks help of you, be there for them. As women* we have a beautiful capacity for nurturing, giving, empathy and of course for loving.
I am woman, hear me roar!
* Not that men do not have the same capacity – I am speaking to women today. Please forgive my political incorrectness. :)))