Years ago I was dating a man who didn’t believe in God. When I asked him why he said that at one point in his life he was suffering greatly. He prayed regularly, asking for relief, comfort, positive change. He got nothing. And so, he concluded, there is no God. Being such a strong believer, I found it hard to understand. How can you not believe in God?
If any of you are with me on Facebook, you know that last Saturday I had to put down my sweet horse, Barbie. This was my first experience in putting down any animal, let alone a horse. It was the most painful day I have had in many, many years. She had been ill since Christmas, but we initially thought it was cramps from her cycle, something which often made her so uncomfortable that she would lie down and not eat for a few days. Banamine and hand walking were what got her through it. A vet call after things did not improve showed dehydration induced impaction. Ah, thank goodness, I thought, this can be fixed. A few days later with no improvement necessitated another vet call, different vet. He looked at her gums and without blinking said, “This horse needs to go to the hospital, now!” Endotoxemia was his initial diagnosis .
During this very frightening time, I prayed a lot. I posted on FB and asked my friends to share. There were many people, some who didn’t even know her, praying for Barbie’s recovery. There was surgery, a final diagnosis of enteritis (inflammation of the small intestine), antibiotics, tubing for the refluxing she was doing every few hours, IV fluids to replace the liquids she was losing, constant surveillance, taking vitals, poking, prodding, misery.
And then I saw the possibility of no recovery. I pleaded with God that if she was not going to make it, I wanted him to take her. Please don’t make me kill my horse! I thought this was a fair compromise. How could I put down such a beautiful and young (age 12) horse who had become my perfect partner? A horse I completely trusted and who trusted me?
The prayers went unanswered, my compromise offer refused, and I had to make the terrible decision to put down a friend that I loved beyond measure. And that’s when it happened. I became angry with God. I know that everything happens for a reason. What’s the reason here? How do I benefit, long term, from doing this? And how does Barbie benefit from dying at age 12? It makes no sense to me and I am one who can handle just about anything if it makes sense. There was nothing about this that made sense.
And so I am still angry with Him. I don’t remember ever being angry with God. That may sound strange. I suppose there are people who are angry with Him a lot. I never had a reason to be, until now. I suppose this feeling will go away eventually. I think about others who have experienced life altering tragedies. It happens every day. I have been very fortunate. My life has been blessed. Both of my parents died in the hospital but my mother was 87 and my father was 69, not old by any means, but he had cancer and had been very sick for almost a year.
My precious cat, Angel, died three years ago of cancer, but she was 15 and she died in my lap. I didn’t have to put her down. I have had many struggles, times of misery (read my memoir “For Dear Life”), but never before have I been angry with God.
I believe it is quite natural to occasionally rage against your situation, blaming God for not giving you an answer to the big question “Why?” Some of us can figure out the why down the road, when the big picture is visible. Others, may never figure it out.
When my children are going through tough times, and both of them have faced serious challenges, I say to them, “This is not your life. This is only a chapter. Things will change. They always do. You will survive this.” And then I write in my blogs and books that when things happen that we label “bad”, it is because we are looking though a keyhole and can only see a small part of the picture. With time, the keyhole gets bigger and bigger and then the door opens and you see it all. Only then do you get to understand. Why can’t I take my own advice?
Because I am in the middle of it. The tough time belongs to me. Next time you are angry with God, don’t beat yourself up. He can take it. And with a little time, you will soften and find your place in the universe again. Then you will look up and say, “I forgive you, God. Help me move on.”
This is Life. It’s what you signed up for. There will be good stuff, bad stuff, great stuff and terrible stuff. To be alive means you agree to all of it. Learning to deal with the hard times will make you stronger. It’s the only way you will ever grow.
I think I feel a little better now. :))