When someone close to you passes away they leave a hole in your heart. Our question then becomes, how do you fill it? I don’t like that empty feeling, never have been a fan. So what am I filling that hole in my own heart with? My imagination. And that’s all I will say about that here. Suffice it to say, it is not real and inevitably (at least once a day) I retreat there only to remember at some point that it’s not my real life and then I get depressed. Well, that defeated the whole purpose, didn’t it?
The problem with filling that empty space with anything, be it imagination, or something unhealthy or downright toxic is that it’s a quick fix that will either end in your despair, illness or even death. So what should we fill that hole in your heart with? How about love for others, the ones who remain, love for strangers, people less fortunate, people who are in greater need than you are? This reminds me of a time when I was 17 and “lost.” In desperation I sought out the wisdom of my father. (My parents were divorced and I was living with my father and his new wife and kids.) His sage advice was that I should help others and in so doing I would find myself. Be of service to those in need and then you will figure out who are. Wise words even today.
What are some other healthy ways to fill the void? Music, art, books, movies, lunches with friends, planning a trip with someone, volunteer at an animal shelter, exercise, walking, riding your horse, etc. Will any of these activities bring back your loved one? No, but they probably will help you feel better, which is the goal here. This is all I want right now since I lost my sister in April. To feel better.
Don’t bury your feelings. Don’t stuff them down inside yourself. Someone said that would be like trying to hold beach balls under water. Eventually they pop up over the surface. You can’t hold them down for very long. I have a tendency to do that. It’s not healthy. Feel them, cry – it’s a wonderful release. Get the feelings out where you can deal with them. It puts you more in control, which, when grieving, you have very little of.
The warning I would give here is not to let busyness take over. People grieving tend to keep busy so they don’t have to feel the pain. Guilty. Eventually, and when you least expect it, the feelings come out, unbidden, unwanted and you have to face them. Even closing your eyes doesn’t help. Feel the feelings, cry, then take a step forward. Do something practical. Make your bed, do the dishes (or just one dish), finish a small project, go grocery shopping (ugh), call a friend. In other words, complete a task, something you would normally do. It will give you back some control over your life and will improve your outlook.
As I said in an earlier blog, grieving is not for sissies. Indeed. But it is survivable, even thrivable, (made up a word) given time, patience and self-care (which should include grace). You will get to a better place. You will smile and sometimes even laugh when you think of a memory with that person. You will smile more than cry. Be patient with yourself. Here’s to feeling okay again. God bless.
I like your Blog today, I hope you’re taking your own advice.
I was in touch briefly with both Billy and Lori in the days surrounding Wendy’s passing, and Lori and I spent some time on the phone couple of days later. The last time we talked Lori seemed in good spirits and was successfully managing her grief.
Thank you for being there with your thoughts today.
As a side note, I’m doing well with my stress-free life, even with summer now happening in Phoenix. My weight is a steady 180 nowadays, healthy, and catch a lot of music and old movies I never saw before now. I roommate with my ex-wife (long story for another day), My oldest, Greg, was divorced last year so we baby-sit the girls a lot, Daniel and newly enlarged family are new to El Centro Navy Flight Center 3 hours drive from here, so medium busy but never any pressures.
Doug
Oh Sarah, that was good advice. But having had many losses myself, the latest being my former
Fiance funeral yesterday ( sudden heart attack, 2 days after we had a visit n
becoming friends – as we should have stayed from the start). But Tommy and I did love each other so much but his deep need for a live-in WIFE (maybe to make it harder if she – like his prior six did and the 7th had been short n rocky). I couldnt leave the only house I ever OWNED myself n a life I love – to live with a inflexible guy who watched TV 5 hrs a night.
We didnt learn these things until after 3 months of joy and laughter – then my 2nd thoughts. Sorry, didnt meam to plather on. I have found that sometimes you have to open the door to allow yourself the griefing and time it takes. I took one look at his handsome face in the open casket – then came a flood of tears. I just gave in later to pondering and feeling – then writing, as always. I will go back to art n books and all that but if I feel unsettled, I just have TO STOP!
I think we get BY these loses – if you’ve loved but not “over” in the sense of putting it in a drawer and saying bye – or some such. Tommy’s older brother was grieving. Thought he’d be 1st n very close, like you and Wendy. I felt so sad for y’all when first your parents died, then only sibling. But I also believe how much more creative and doing whereas your sister you so admired depended completely on A MAN to ” BE her life. You are stronger. I also confess when I first saw a photo of you, maybe in grade school, and those star-filled eyes of yours, you were the real beauty. I hoped you would see that one day.
So enough from me. I went on more than I should perhaps, but just know it’s okay
(Fill in the blank).
Love and hugs
Harriet/Hattie
PS these tiny words! Hope I made sense, I sure as hell cant tell,
☺️💗