My sister passed away a month ago today. I say that out loud and my body goes numb. I think I am still in the denial stage, which comes naturally because she lived a thousand miles away from me so unless I called her, I was not in touch.
This is the first time in my life that I have grieved and I will tell you it is not for sissies. It is hard. And I am just at the beginning of it! How long does it last? You won’t like the answer. As long as it lasts. Everyone is different. Everyone grieves in their own way. That doesn’t help me. I like to be in control. Guess what? You don’t get to be. Not this time.
Two weeks after she passed my husband and I drove down to Southern California to my sister’s house to go through her things and “take whatever you want” per my brother-in-law. We got there about 6:30pm. I walked into the house with a smile, trying to pretend it was a happy visit. Within minutes I was hit in the chest by a boulder. The air around me became oppressive and I found it hard to breathe. I wanted to run but knew I couldn’t do that. I went into their family room and sat on a chair. I let the memories crash around me like waves. I started sobbing. Why did this happen? Is there anything I can do to bring her back? NO.
After a while I got up, telling my husband I was going to take a shower and go to bed. He wanted to sit with me for comfort but I wouldn’t have it. I wanted to be alone with my pain.
The next day I felt much better. Okay, I thought, I can do this. It wasn’t long before some memory hit me in the face and the tears came. Oh, I thought, this is what it’s going to be like. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Because she will never be not dead. This is my future, I told myself. Get used to it.
A week and a half later we were back home. I felt confident that being home would be easier, maybe even bring this whole grieving thing to an end. Nope. Dead wrong. My first day back was awful. Easter Sunday was a black cloud that never left. How am I supposed to deal with this?
I realized that there are tools. I looked up grief counseling. I booked a Zoom meeting with a counselor. I had the meeting yesterday. I have scheduled another session with her for this Friday. I have figured out so much about my own grieving journey that most of what she said I already knew and was already doing. Like self care. I learned early on that I needed to protect myself by keeping away from certain people and situations that made me feel worse. I cancelled lunches, stopped going to a weekly meeting at my church that left me feeling empty and sad and listened to my body for what it wanted, be it food or rest. That was a major tool that nurtured me rather than starved.
I found a book online that had many good reviews so I bought it. “Fuck Death” by Steve Case. I started reading it and found it most helpful. Not the right book for everyone. But it you want to cut out the flowery words, phrases and cliches and just get to the core issues that you are dealing with, I would recommend it. There is foul language though, so be forewarned.
I learned early on that crying helps. Kind of like throwing up when you are sick that leaves you feeling better after you do it. Crying during grief is like that. The problem is I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to lose control and feel the pain. It makes everything more real. I want to pretend. Yes, that’s where I am at now. Denial. But it doesn’t make you feel better because you soon realize denying it does not make it go away. It is your new reality.
I firmly believe that one day I will be able to remember my sister and smile instead of cry. I will think of all the wonderful memories and they will not make me sad. I will laugh at the funny ones and tell her how much I miss her and that one day I will see her again. She is in Heaven with my mom and dad and they are having a wonderful time up there. I will live out my best life, enjoying the gift that it is. And then one day we will be together again.
If it weren’t for my belief and my relationship with God/Jesus, my grief journey would be so much harder. God has been there for me throughout and will continue to be my comfort and strength. My prayer is that if you ever have to go through this, you will find solace and peace in him as well. God bless.
Praying for you dear friend. Very well written and I could relate with the passing of my best friend of 32 years and a not that later my mom. God is with you Sarah and He is our great comforter.