Tips for living well

If you are a control freak then you probably hate not knowing something. It messes with your mind and  defies your equilibrium. Guess what? The only thing you know for certain about your life is what is going on right now! You don’t know about the future – whether that means the next minute or the next year.  This is unknown to all of us.  (Exception psychics?)

I believe there is more that we don’t know than do know. I know how I feel most of the time. I know what I like and don’t like. I know what I have learned in my lifetime, and so on. What do I not know? I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, or the next five minutes for that matter. I don’t know where I will be in five years. I don’t know when or how I will die. I certainly don’t know what other people are thinking.  How does that sit with you?

Are you anxious about the future? Does it bother you that you cannot always predict others’ behavior? This makes me think of marriage. A great example is how we don’t always know how our spouses will behave under certain circumstances. If you have been together long enough, you can guess with a fair amount of accuracy, but often you are caught off guard. This is one of the delights of marriage. (Really.) You might be surprised! Sometimes not in a good way, like the couple who has been married for 30 years and the wife wakes up one morning to the sound of her husband walking out the door – for good! Usually it is nothing quite as drastic.  Most often you simply learn something new about them.

The best way to cope with not knowing things is to accept it. Deal with it. Live with it. Embrace the unknown. Scary? Maybe. But it is the way of things. When I was younger and occasionally today, one of the hardest things for me to accept was not knowing why something happened, something that impacted me greatly. Example, why did my horse get sick with a disease that has a thousand causes and then die after every possible treatment was administered to her? I will never know and never understand. I just had to accept it and move on. Tough lesson.

Young people getting married think it will last forever. Hopefully they have chosen well and it does. But there are no guarantees. Life has none of those, guarantees, that is. When you signed up for it, you signed up for whatever may happen and you don’t get to know ahead of time what that will be. Depressing? It doesn’t have to be. It can be exciting, an adventure that continues, with things happening along the way. How you deal with those things will determine your happiness and success in life.

One of the sweetest feelings in the world is letting go – of control or of the desire to control. It is freeing. It allows you to play instead of working hard to figure things out. Enjoy your life, make the choices that are best for you and then live in the moment, unafraid of the moments that follow. You will survive those just as you survived the moments prior.

If we had everything figured out it would be incredibly boring – and so would we be. Boring, that is. Accept that you don’t get to know everything or understand everything that happens. Change what you can, let go of what you cannot. And pray for the wisdom to know the difference. Sound familiar?

 

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When I was a little girl, praying meant getting down on my knees on the side of the bed, closing my eyes and pressing my palms together in front of my chest. It always started with “Dear God,  please….” and ended with “Amen”. That sort of sealed the deal, the amen part at the end.  I also said the “Now I lay me down to sleep..” prayer but with a different ending. My father didn’t like the original – “If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take.” And so he created a new ending. The whole thing went like this: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord in health to keep, all of those who are to me, a warm and loving family.” Nicer, don’t you think? I said that every night as a child with either my mother or father sitting on my bed. It was a comforting way to begin my slumber .

In my teens, 20s and 30s I still prayed but not down on my knees and the prayers were of a completely different nature. But they were still asking for something. And when I was finished, I left everything to God, whether or not my prayers would be answered.

Fast forward to my 40s which is when I learned about Science of Mind or Religious Science. It is NOT Scientology but is similar to Unity, Unitarian and actually many religious beliefs. The founder, Ernest Holmes, took what he thought to be the best from many religions to form Religious Science. It teaches of the power we each hold to change our lives for the better. One of the things I learned early on was that prayer is not enough. You must take the actions necessary to get what you have prayed for.

If there is something you want to attain or accomplish you pray about it but not as if you are asking for a favor.  You see it as possible. You see it as already given to you. You give thanks for having it. And then you follow up by taking the steps that will bring it to fruition. By believing in the possibility, your mind starts giving you ideas of how to make it happen.

Example, I want to win blue ribbons at my level in Dressage this year in one or more shows. It doesn’t stop with me praying for that. I can’t just want it to happen and then wait to see if it does. I state it and then I must “move my feet” or take the action required to make that happen. It starts with a commitment. I must practice, work with my trainer, focus on what she teaches me and work at it until it is as good as it can be. Then I will have done everything in my power to achieve my goal. Does that mean I am guaranteed to win a blue ribbon? No, of course not. But without my commitment, without my work and dedication, the desired outcome will be less likely.

“God helps those who help themselves.” Ever hear that one? You come up with the goal, the dream. You pray about it. Ask for guidance, for clarity, for ideas. You wait. You figure out what needs to be done in order to give you the best chance of getting what you want. And then you do it. You take the steps, one at a time, so that you are in the best possible position to win.

Prayer + Action = Results.

“Vision without execution is just hallucination.”     Henry Ford

No matter how you choose to pray, realize that with the exception of things you have no control over, some kind of action must follow the prayer in order to achieve the desired results.

And when you get what you want, don’t ever forget to say “thank you”.  Gratitude, like amen, seals the deal. :))

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Whether self imposed or unbidden, change can be unsettling, unnerving or just uncomfortable. For me it is all three. I don’t particularly like change. It’s funny, because when I was growing up, my father, on more than one occasion said to me that the only thing you can truly count on in life is change! I listened. I understood.  But then I must have tossed it out the window. Why is it so difficult for me?

I like the security that comes with dependability. Then I don’t have to give anything a second thought. I had mastered my cell phone, my television remote. I knew my horse and she knew me. As it turns out, in the first six weeks of this year all of the above has changed. One unbidden, two elective. It’s been a bit of a whirlwind.

I’m sure to many of you I sound like a wimp – except for the horse part.But it is not about what the change is so much as it is about change in general. Humans are creatures of habit and apparently I embrace that quality with great fervor.

Losing my horse was a tragedy. The change part has come into play now, with the prospect of buying a new one. I used to tell Barbie that she had better live a long time because she would be my last horse. I could never imagine trusting another horse with my life, as I had come to trust her. It takes a while to reach that point with an equine partner. She and I had reached it and I couldn’t imagine getting on another horse and feeling as safe as I did on her. Now I am looking for my next horse and may have found her. The only thing that remains is the vet check. Once past that, the new relationship will begin. Getting on her back for the first time was frightening and uncomfortable. This was not Barbie. The second time (just yesterday) was better and even became enjoyable. She is a well mannered horse with a good mind.

To save money this year I switched from my long time cell phone provider to my husband’s. And then of course I wanted to upgrade my phone so I did. I stressed over being able to bring over the valuable contact info which turned out to be a simple task. I struggled mildly with the new functions. Now I pretty much know how to do the things that are important to me. New phone – conquered!

Again as a budgetary move we switched from satellite to cable TV. Lots of new stuff there. Again, not too difficult but we are still figuring things out. I wanted to make sure I could still record and see all the shows I like to watch.

But this is about change and how you cope with it. My father was right, change is something- one of the few somethings in life that you can count on. He said if you can learn how to deal with it  (roll with the punches was how he put it) when life smacks you in the face, then you are that much further ahead of the game.

My husband is an anomaly, at least in my eyes. He loves change! Wow! How courageous is that! Moving to a new home 4 years ago, marrying me, changing jobs, creating new jobs – I could go on. I look at him with wonder and respect. I like my security. He goes out of his way to lose his!

Whether you are like me, and resist change at first, or like my husband and embrace it, the fact remains it is something we all have to deal with. You can resist it for as long as you want but eventually you have to accept it or go crazy trying to fight something that will not go away. Change is inevitable. The irony is that once the change has been around for awhile, it becomes familiar and no longer threatening. Soon my new horse will feel completely comfortable and safe. My cell phone will be easy to manipulate.  I will be able to control my new TV remote with my eyes closed (well, maybe not). Just give it time. Strange new things become familiar, comfortable old things. That’s true for people, too.

Embrace the changes in your life.  Some will be tougher than others but you will go on and soon even the tough ones will seem friendly. :))

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This is the time of year when we are all filled with love and good cheer.  Everything is wonderful because it is a magical season. Not exactly. This is my favorite time of year as I’m sure it is for many of you. However, life still happens . I’m not speaking about tragedies, which for some unknown reason seem to come in higher numbers during this time of year. I’m talking about things that fall into your path as you navigate through your days. Unexpected, uninvited, unwanted things. They happen to all of us. No one is immune. That’s how we are all the same. We’re different in how we respond to these events when they occur.  How do you respond ?

One of my favorite sayings, and  I honestly don’t remember where I first heard it, is “It’s all good!” This is a wonderful way of affirming that no matter what the situation is, all will be well, just give it some time. When I say it aloud, it actually makes me feel better. It reminds my brain that this is merely a blip on the radar of my life and it, too, shall pass. You really should try it. It will change your outlook.

Does saying “It’s all good” make the bad stuff disappear as if it never happened? No! The “bad stuff” (which we have judged as “bad” – things are not intrinsically bad or good. We call them that.) still exists. It’s standing in front of your face, like a bully. “See what I’m doing to you right now? What do you think of that? I might even get worse!” Yes, these things, these events, do not magically go away when you proclaim that all is well. The change that occurs is inside of you. Your attitude shifts. You’re not so invested in the “bad” any longer. It has lost its power over you.

It’s a little like riding a horse (did you know I would go there?). A horse will often act out hoping you will become either intimidated by them or so frustrated that you give up and get off their back. If you ignore their attempt to frazzle you, they’ll soon realize that they haven’t got the power and will give up. Children are very similar. Parents out there know exactly what I’m talking about.

Saying “It’s all good” doesn’t mean you are ignoring the fact that something just pushed you off your path. You acknowledge it but don’t give it any power over you. You deal with it, calmly if possible, and move on. It doesn’t ruin your day or more importantly, your life.

The world is not against you. If anyone is truly against you it has to be YOU. Ignore the small, inconvenient troubles that get in your way. They’re not worth  your time. The bigger things that happen are opportunities to learn and  grow. Remember how I said in one of my earlier blogs that we never grow when things are going smoothly? It’s true. You only grow, stretch yourself and learn when you’re faced with challenges. The bigger the challenge, the bigger the lesson and the bigger the growth. That’s how it works.

Know in your heart that all is well, even when it isn’t. You just can’t see the big picture yet. And until you can, remind yourself daily (or more often if necessary) that “It’s all good.” Because it is, really. Trust me. :))

 

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Last week I went to the eye doctor for my annual eye exam and contact lens fitting. My eyes have not changed in the last three years! Yay! But that’s not what I mean by ‘The importance of vision.’

I’m sure that at least once in your life you were told to close your eyes and imagine….. Remember what that experience felt like? Was it difficult or easy for you? For some people, visualizing is challenging. It’s not the way their mind works. I never had a problem with it. Visualization is a definite asset when it comes to anything competitive. I have heard that if you are about to compete, in anything, first visualize yourself performing perfectly, even winning. The power inherent in visualization is undeniable.

If you are suffering from an illness, close your eyes and visualize that area of your body, or your entire body, in a white or healing green light. Do you remember hearing the story a long time ago about the young boy who had an inoperable brain tumor? Every day he visualized it outside of his  body and then he imagined lasers shooting at it until it was reduced to nothing. Guess what? After doing this every day for months, he was told at his next doctor visit that the tumor had disappeared! You can decide for yourself what happened here. I tend to believe that visualization (and of course prayer) took his tumor away.

But what if you have trouble visualizing? Then use your V I S I O N.  Look inward and claim that all is well. Imagine that you are healed; imagine that you have won the race; imagine yourself successful. This you accomplish with your inner voice and affirming these things to be true. Try to imagine what it would feel like if they were. Walk around one day imagining that all the good you desire is already yours. Believe it. See what happens.

My caveat – there are no guarantees in life, ever. Know that up front. You may not be successful in curing yourself from a serious illness or winning the Nobel Peace Prize. These are tools for your use. They are not magic tricks.

Having a vision for yourself means an outcome, a goal to be achieved. Successful people do not go through life hoping things will work out. They don’t sit back and wait for the good things in life to come to them. No! They figure out the steps that need to be taken and they start taking them – one step at a time. Looking at the end result and wishing you could be there is fruitless. Seeing how far it is to get there is overwhelming. Just take the first step. That brings you one step closer to your goal, until you take the next step, and so on.

So, we have vision – aka eyesight. We have visualization – closing your eyes and seeing yourself as the winner, the healed, the success at whatever it is you want.  Then you have the visionary – someone who can see a better future for himself/herself and goes after it, taking one step at a time.

Whatever works for you: envisioning, visualization, using your inward eyes or your inner voice. Create a “picture” of how you want your life to be. Affirm it with words. Say it aloud. Make the commitment. Find out the necessary steps to get there. And then put one foot in front of the other.

I have gotten through the scariest times in my life by taking baby steps. You have the power within you. You were born with it. Use it to create the life you have always dreamed of. Transformation is the child of vision. Start now!

 

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I love this time of year as many of you do. However, it seems to bring some additional stress into our lives at the same time. ‘But you’re retired!’ you say. ‘You shouldn’t be feeling stress!’  Point taken. But even retired folks can feel it. Of course we can! Why? Because we, too, like our gainfully employed friends, impose deadlines on ourselves. That’s it! The stress comes from deadlines being imposed by the stressee!  Isn’t that counter intuitive?

It’s almost the end of November and I have done zero Christmas shopping. I suppose there are others who will be saying the same thing  on December 20th. I’m not that bad. But I am definitely feeling a little stressed right now knowing that I have so many presents to buy before Christmas. December 25th is not a deadline I imposed on myself. It’s a non-negotiable date we all have to live with, every year.

I know people who only have to buy a few gifts. (My husband would be one of those lucky people). I do all of the Christmas shopping for our family. He only has to buy for me!  The self-imposed stress for me actually starts right there – I am the Christmas shopper. If I am remembering correctly, I have 19 people to buy for, 7 are children. Three of those children live on the East Coast so I have to buy, wrap and ship those by mid-December to be safe. Another deadline.

Usually by now I have ideas for all of these people. Not this year. I lost two weeks recently due to illness. I didn’t care about Christmas or presents or anything for that matter during those two weeks. I just wanted to feel better. That put me behind, on everything!

I asked myself today what I could share with you that might help with your holiday stress.  Here are a few things that I came up with.  1) Take ten minutes (or more if you can)  once a day and relax. Take a bath, read a magazine or a book that takes you far away, bake something, go for a walk, play with your cat, throw a Frisbee at the park to your dog. Ten minutes, in the middle of your stress, i.e., ESCAPE!   2) Not many of us qualify for this one, but if you own a horse, spend time with it – riding or grooming or walking, it doesn’t matter.  Your horse can teach you how to live in the moment, relax and just be. They are great therapists. If you don’t have your own horse, spend time with someone else’s horse (with their permission, of course).  3) Meditation – again, not for everyone. Sit quietly first thing in the morning or at night before bed, close your eyes, allow your thoughts to pass through your brain and out your ears. Repeat a mantra over and over, either out loud or in your head. (Something like ‘God is good.’ or ‘God is all there is’  or ‘Life is good.’) This can be a five minute or more practice, once or twice a day. I promise it will make you calmer.  4) Exercise – Yoga (very good)  or walking or going to the gym. Something physical.  These will absolutely reduce your stress level.

Self-imposed deadlines can be re-written! Re-write them! Ask yourself if anyone will die if you don’t meet the deadline. Probably not. Amend it then, to something that will make your life easier. We are often the creator of our own stress.

Enjoy the holidays. Be with family if you can. Be good to yourself. Maybe some extra pampering would help. Get a massage! If you are relaxed and feeling cared for (by yourself) you will be in a much better position to handle the days that lead up to the date in December by which everything must be accomplished.

If none of the above works for you, there’s always alcohol! (Kidding – sort of.)

Happy Holidays!  :))

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