Author: Sarah Tauber

What’s love got to do with it?

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

I was single most of my adult life until 2002 when I met Bill, my current husband. I dated on and off for probably thirty years. I learned a lot about men, myself, what I was willing to accept and what I could definitely live without. There were several missteps on my part, blindness to the “red flags”. I think many of us have trouble either seeing them or walking away once we know they are there. I used to think I could live with one or two red flags or change the man so that the flag would eventually disappear. Foolish thinking on my part.

I paid the price for my foolishness. I married a man with red flags. We were together long enough to have my second child. I told myself everything happens for a reason and my son was a great reason for that marriage. Nevertheless, all of us paid the price for my decision.

And then there was a man I dated for two years after the breakup of my first marriage. He worked with my sister. She never introduced us because we were so different from one another, red flag #1. I ignored it and we started dating after meeting at a party. There was a strong physical attraction for both of us. That is where the similarity ended. He smoked pot. I thought I could fix that. He even promised to quit if I would move in with him. I did, for eight months. Guess what? He didn’t quit. I left. It hurt for a long time. After all, we loved each other. One night we sat on the floor in my new apartment, crying, with a box of tissues between us. We were very different people. I should have listened to my sister.

The second relationship lasted three years. He had never been married. He was in his 40’s. Red flag? I was crazy in love with him. The red flags in this relationship were more subtle. I missed some of them and ignored the others. One afternoon I was completely caught off guard when he suggested a one month trial separation. I knew there was little hope for a reconciliation but I clung to it, romantic and unwilling to give up. Of course at the end of the thirty days he broke up with me. He was already dating someone else. He then had the audacity to get engaged to this woman. Clearly she was very different from me. They were engaged for seven or eight years and then got married. She must have wanted him more than I did to wait that long.

What am I trying to say here? Love is important, a key component in a happy, healthy relationship. But if that is all you have holding you together, it won’t last. You need friendship, respect, trust, common goals, common values and morals. In other words, you need a solid foundation to weather the certain storms that will come at you. Just being in love is not enough.

Don’t build your relationship on moonbeams and  rainbows with love songs playing in the background. That might work in fairy tales or the movies, but not real life. What’s love got to do with it? A lot, but you need much more to live happily ever after.   The End. :))

With a little help from my friends

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

How easy it is for us humans to think we can handle life on our own “I’ve got this,” we say. “No thanks, I’m okay.” “I’m good. I don’t need help.” Been there. Said that. Sometimes still do.

Why do we feel that way? If you are a man, you might have been raised to be tough, never show weakness, and whatever you do, don’t cry! Being raised in the 1950s and 1960s, I may be out of touch with how the 40 and under men were raised. That being said, I still think there is an underlying message that the male gender must be stronger than its softer counterpart.

Then what is a woman’s excuse? We want to appear strong and independent, right? Can you be strong and independent and lean on your friends once in a while? I give a resounding “Yes!” Knowing when you need help from an outside source is not only intelligent, it is the right thing to do. It demonstrates wisdom. And who better to ask for help than your friends? These are people you have chosen to be in your life. Your family may or may not be the people you go to for help. Reaching out to your friends has the multiple benefit of giving you the assistance you need and letting your friends feel valued. What is the downside? There isn’t one!

How do you feel when a friend asks you for help? Isn’t there a part of you that feels honored? I do. Every time.

The truth is that we are not meant to live lives as separate souls struggling on our own. When we truly need help, we must reach out to family and/or friends for assistance, whatever that looks like. It could be financial, emotional support, advice, or just a shoulder, maybe arms for a hug. Your friends, if they are really your friends,  will be there for you, ready and willing to provide the help you need, even if that means just listening.

There is a friend you have that you may only think of as a last resort. But He is always available, always by your side, in the good times and bad. Try reaching out to Him, God.

Don’t try to tackle the heavy stuff of life on your own. It does not diminish your inner strength or great ability. If anything, it makes you stronger. The power you have was given to you. Use it to take care of yourself. And if that means occasionally reaching out to others for help, then do it. No man is an island, right?

The sound of silence

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

Now that is an oxymoron! Simon & Garfunkel aside, I want to talk about the beauty of silence. The other day I was reading a book on our small couch that backs up to the french doors leading to our deck. In other words, my back was to the outside, allowing for the light to illuminate the pages of my book. Because it is an otherwise dark room, this small couch is my favorite place to read.

I stopped focusing on the words that day because I saw the shadow of leaves from the tree behind me, dancing across the pages of my book. This took my complete attention as I stared for minutes, forgetting  about the printed words. It was hypnotizing. Soon I became aware of the silence in the room. The combination of the dancing leaf shadows and the silence made me positively euphoric. Such a simple thing and yet to me it was quite powerful.

Silence is underrated. For years I couldn’t abide it. I had to have background noise of some kind, any kind. Silence was unnerving to me. It gave free rein to the noise in my head which apparently I didn’t want to deal with. Now I can “listen” to the silence for hours at a time. I can’t do it for an entire day, at least I don’t think so. But my ability to listen to nothing has increased exponentially with my age.

What is so great about silence? In the silence you hear things you can’t hear with the television or the radio on. You hear birds, for one thing. Around my house you can hear hawks flying over with their unmistakable plaintive cries.  My favorite sound is the wind blowing through the very tall trees that surround our property. But maybe you live in the City. What does silence mean to those who have trouble finding it? An opportunity to listen to the sounds of life. To tone down the noise in your head. Be still. Listen to the wisdom of your soul. Maybe something deep inside will speak to you. How can it be heard over the din of traffic, television or chatter? The truth is it can’t be heard and even if it could, more than likely you would tune it out.

Meditation affords us the ability to be still and sit in the silence. But not everyone meditates. Many think it impossible to clear your mind in order to listen. It is challenging but obviously achievable.

My suggestion, if you are not a friend of silence, is to give it a try. Allow yourself ten or fifteen minutes in the beginning and then slowly increase the time. It will change you. It will open your heart as well as your mind to new possibilities. It will ultimately teach you more about yourself.

Go beyond the dancing shadow leaves on a page. See where the silence will take you. Listen, appreciate and delight in, the sound of silence.

Rise above

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

In my book, “The Story She Had to Tell”, the older Madeleine describes her life philosophy, “rise above.” I literally coined that phrase as I was writing it. Then I started thinking about it, and today I practice it. What does it mean? If you are having a “bad” day (put in quotation marks because “bad” is in the eye of the beholder. So is “good”, by the way.) as I was the other day, I started to feel depressed about it. If I allow myself the luxury of a pity party, things can go downhill fast. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t like feeling that way.

Believe it or not, some people enjoy being depressed or playing the victim. It sounds counter intuitive, but I have personally known people who insist on their right to be miserable. Count me out!

Back to the topic at hand, rising above. In the book, Madeleine is lamenting over getting old. (I can relate.) She tells herself to “rise above”. It means to step out of your human condition, go into the clouds and focus on God.

If what is bothering you is really serious, and something over which you have no control, by all means give it to God. That is not the kind of thing I am talking about here. If it is silly human stuff that will probably change by tomorrow, then rise above it. One way I do that is to listen to some great Christian music I have recently been introduced to. It takes me out of my human problems and into the rarefied air, where such earthly matters are of little importance. The word “perspective” comes to mind, which I have talked about before. “Perspective – use it or lose it!”

Try it on something simple, a petty situation that gets under your skin and threatens to ruin an otherwise perfectly good day. “Rise above”. Go up into the clouds and visit God. I promise, that when you come back down to earth, you’ll wonder why you even cared about something so silly. Most of it is silly, and not worth your time or attention. Remember what is important in your life, what gives it meaning. That is time well spent. And then say “thank you”.

The case for spontaneity

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

“All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience.”  Henry Miller

“Ultimately spiritual awareness unfolds when you’re flexible, when you’re spontaneous, when you’re detached, when you’re easy on yourself and easy on others.”  Deepak Chopra

These are two of my favorite quotes relating to spontaneity. They appeal to me. When I was growing up I was very structured and enjoyed making plans. Plans for everything. I could never have been accused of being too spontaneous. I wasn’t even close! Spontaneity scared me. It was an unknown. I didn’t like unknowns. I wanted it all laid out for me. Had I only realized what I was missing.

When I grew up, it became clear that even if I wasn’t spontaneous myself, spontaneous things happened to me, i.e. without my control. I could plan all I wanted but sometimes life would interfere and something entirely different would occur. I would adjust, of course, but it was never my plan A.

I suspect there are many people whose thinking is very similar to what mine was. I say “was” because I have grown and now can embrace spontaneity – well, at least hold its hand. I am still a planner. I still like to know what’s going to happen tomorrow. It brings me security. I think that goes back to my father. He was rather unpredictable when my sister and I were growing up. He would get angry with us when we couldn’t figure out what we had done to deserve it. It threw both of us both off our game. We handled it differently, being different people. My sister grew up and married a wonderful, fairly predictable man, someone she could count on to be level headed. I became very structured and in control of my life. For a while it was almost neurotic but I didn’t notice. I had to control my environment to feel safe and secure. And I succeeded, mostly.

But that is not very realistic, is it? You cannot control anyone but yourself. You may try to control events and even other people, but you end up discouraged and sometimes depressed. Let go of that need right away. It won’t work!

I am talking about spontaneity today because the other evening when I was about to get into the shower so I could be ready when my husband got home, I got a phone call. My son needed me to come over and babysit my newest grandchild, and possibly spend the night. Of course I said “yes”. I didn’t hesitate. But I did get off the phone and for a brief moment I mourned the evening I had planned. Ah, there was the old Sarah, still trying to maintain her structured life. And don’t get me wrong, my life is still fairly structured, down to what I eat. But that would be boring so we won’t go there.

The point is that I can be spontaneous today, perhaps with a little nudge from my higher self. I truly believe the best things happen while being spontaneous! Meeting someone, perhaps the love of your life, because you gave in to your friend and went to that party you didn’t want to go to – or going to the movies at the last minute with your partner and having more fun than you anticipated. You know what I am talking about – spontaneity!

There is something to be said for structure, control and planning. However, there is so much more life, wonder and possibility in the act of being spontaneous. Try it! Maybe something magical will happen.  :))

 

 

 

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

The simple explanation for this phrase is that “fibbing” is naughty and pants on fire refers to a spanking. Derivation aside, I am here to talk about lying. I don’t like it. The worst thing you can do to me is lie. Whenever my children did it, there were serious consequences. To me, lying is tantamount to betrayal, and that takes it to a whole new level.  I remember as a child getting into big trouble if I lied, so even when I knew the outcome would be harsh, I always told the truth, to the point of my own detriment.

Then there are “white lies”. It’s deemed acceptable to tell a white lie because white lies are to protect the person being lied to, to keep their feelings from being hurt. “Your new haircut is very becoming!” “Your  baby is adorable!” If I find myself in that situation, I do sometimes (but I am cringing when I do) tell a white lie when there is no escaping it. Otherwise I say something neutral or vague like “That haircut really suits you” or “Your baby looks just like you!”

I have known people who lie like a rug. I have listened to them on the phone telling someone they are on their way out of town, or their company just arrived. The worst one I heard was someone telling a doctor they needed to be in the operating room with their child and when told “no” said “But it would be detrimental to my child if I am not there. I’m a psychiatrist and I know these things.” That one stunned me to my core.

Why do we lie? For children, that’s an easy answer, when the truth will get them into trouble. As a child, you will do anything to avoid punishment. I come from an era where fathers spanked their children and I got my fair share. Getting my father mad at me was beyond scary. That’s enough to make a child very creative. As I mentioned earlier, it didn’t work well for me because I didn’t like lying.

Why do adults lie? There is not enough time to go into that deep question. Many reasons,  to get what they want, to impress someone, make themselves sound more important, to keep the truth from someone they don’t want to hurt. Is lying ever acceptable? You’re asking the wrong person. It’s one of my hot buttons.

Next time you are about to lie, ask yourself if it really is the right thing to do. Weigh the consequences of telling the truth instead. Think about it long and hard. Lying is not a good thing, not in my mind, ever.

So, what did you think of my blog? :))

The Best Of…

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

I am in the middle of preparation for a blog tour that will last for three weeks. It has required me to write blog posts and answer interview questions to the point where creativity has become a challenge. When I awoke this morning I knew that I had to write my weekly blog today. Reaching into the filing cabinets in the back of my mind for ideas, I came up with nothing! The thought then crossed my mind that perhaps I could “replay” one of my older blogs from a long time ago. You know how TV and radio stations often play “The best of” when the host is on vacation or sick? Hmm. What is my “best of”?  What is yours?

If you are like me, you’re probably thinking that your “best of” moments are just that –  moments – and not just one experience. That started me thinking. How would a person determine their “best of” moments?

What immediately came to my mind was giving birth to my two sons. Those were easily “best of” times;  or stepping up onto the podium at Cal State University Long Beach to receive my Bachelor’s of Science Degree at the age of thirty-six.  And then there was the time I walked down the aisle in 2004 to marry the man I had waited for for fifteen years. You get the idea.

Those are obvious bests. How about when you are being your authentic self or when you are perfectly in the moment? Not grand, life-altering experiences, but nevertheless times that you could definitely refer to as “best of.”

Writing a blog or a scene in a book that gives me great satisfaction and pride falls under that category.  Or overcoming a fear, even if it is just once,  that scared me to death just thinking about it. Putting a really good dinner on the table. (I’m not a cook!) Having my trainer say “Great job!” after a particularly challenging lesson.

Your “best of” is not just a one time deal. You have “best of” moments every day. You may not see or appreciate their significance. Try looking out for them and taking note. They are abundant, like miracles. But that is a topic for another day.  :))

You can lead a horse to water…..

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

You can’t change people. I know. I’ve tried. Years ago (many, many years ago) driving home from our honeymoon, I said to my husband that I would leave him if he did not quit smoking. I felt that as his wife I had the right to insist that he take care of himself. For one year, he smoked a pipe and then went back to cigarettes. Twenty-six years later he died of lung cancer. He was 48 years old and looked 78. A tragic waste of life. A good man. I tried but I was helpless to stop him.

Years later I am with my second husband, again driving in the car. (I actually believe we were driving back from our honeymoon! Will I never learn?) I was begging him not to gain weight. This was really foolish. He wasn’t overweight at the time. I was simply paranoid. Now that we were married, and I was basically “stuck” with him, he might become fat and unattractive. This is how my mind worked back then. Silly girl. Not a similar ending to the last story but he basically ignored me.

Now that I am a fairly wise “old” woman, I realize that you cannot force – coerce- threaten or even change another human being without their desire to change. The only person you can successfully change is yourself.

Albert Einstein once wisely said, “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” What is it about us humans, especially women, who think they have the power to change someone? If we would just ask nicely; if we would give them an ultimatum (like I did). If they really loved us, blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t work! A person will change only when they decide they want to or that changing is in their best interest. (It happens.)

I know there are many young women out there who think they found the perfect lump of clay. All they have to do is spend their lifetime molding him into what they envision as the perfect spouse! How hard could it be? STOP! Find the guy who already meets most (or the most important) criteria and don’t even think you can change him. If that’s okay with you, then marry him.

I had a doctor/friend once who said to me when I got engaged for the second time (and rather quickly, I might add), “What you see is what you get, and it’s usually less.” At the time I didn’t want to believe him but he was right. You don’t meet and marry the prince charming from the fairy tale. You marry the right man for you and then he becomes your prince charming – the reality version – not the fairy tale one.

Woe to the lady who thinks she can mold her man to her liking. She will either end up disappointed, disillusioned or divorced. I’m sure there are men like that out there who want to change their mates, but my guess is they are few and far between. Men seem to be easier to please. We could take a lesson from them.

By the way, when you love someone just the way they are, they “magically” turn into the most wonderful, adoring partner you could ever dream of. For real. :))

Be still and know that I am God

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

 

I have known this biblical phrase since I was a young girl, going to Sunday School and living in a Christian home. But its significance did not reach me until I was an adult and on my own. It is a powerful reminder that we are not alone in this world.

I recently spent four days with my younger son, his wife and their five month old baby boy in Oregon. My son and his wife are Christians. Knowing that I had recently become a Christian (reborn), they spent time with me answering questions about Jesus and the bible. Additionally, they played some current Christian songs that I have fallen in love with. Two of my favorites are “Forever Reign” by One Sonic Society and “Lord I need you” sung by Matt Maher. You can listen to them on YouTube if you wish.  Even if you aren’t interested in the message, the music itself is haunting and beautiful.

Be still and know that I am God is one of the most comforting statements a person can hear. Think about it. If you are troubled or going through a difficult time and you repeat this phrase over and over again, wouldn’t it make you feel better?  It says to me that nothing is insurmountable.

It reminds me that as a young girl my world sometimes felt overwhelming. My mother would cuddle me in her arms and tell me that everything was going to be okay. She understood and was there for me. It made me feel safe and secure as well as loved. With the phrase Be still and know that I am God, Jesus is telling us what my mother was telling me. “I am here. I will take care of you. There is nothing to fear.   Have faith in me.” In other words, I’ve got your back. How would that make you feel? Wouldn’t it take you from a solitary and perhaps frightening place to one of comfort and security?

The world we live in can be a scary place where we often feel powerless to change. Relationships are strained and can fall apart. Loved ones get sick and pass away. Worry about how you are going to make it to the next paycheck can prevent you from being happy and at peace. Life is tough and not for the faint of heart. But we cannot get through it alone. Don’t try to. It won’t work.

I realize that some of you are non-Christians. Take what you will from my words. If something speaks to you, use it. If not, that’s okay too.

Be still and know that I am God. Remember this the next time you feel lonely or tired or sad. You truly are not alone. Just knowing that should make you feel better. We were not meant to suffer through life but to live it joyfully and with gratitude. You are a blessing. Believe it.  :))

 

Self Doubt

Posted on by Sarah Tauber

I get nervous when I have to drive somewhere I have never been. I have a fear of getting lost. I will print out mapquest directions and choose the easiest route, even if it means lengthening my trip by several minutes.

The other night I was leaving a location in Riverside and knew how to get to my next destination, my son’s house in Corona. My husband, who was in his own car, wanted to stop for dinner on the way. Initially my response was –  No, let’s just go straight back to the house. I don’t want to get lost!  He was determined to stop for dinner  and so I gave in. As I was driving to the restaurant, it dawned on me. My self doubt was unrealistic. I had navigated much more difficult routes in the past. Why should this one throw me off? My self talk was overriding my self confidence, which I have noticed is not an  infrequent occurrence.

Deep down I knew I would find my way to the restaurant and then to the house. But the little voice inside my head was trying to sabotage me! I relaxed once I figured out what was going on. I actually made it back to the house before my husband did.

I confess that the nasty little self doubt creeps up on me in other scenarios, like riding my horse. I have a challenge. I know on some level that I can meet it. Then the voice in my head tries to get me to believe that I can’t for whatever reason. Depending on how I am feeling that day, I will either listen to it or ignore it completely. On the days that I ignore it, I achieve my goals. You can guess what happens when I listen to that little voice. I end up discouraged and down on myself.

Self doubt can be a powerful road block between you and what you want to achieve. Next time you’re trying something new and the voice chimes in, ask yourself if it speaks the truth. If it is just trying to ruin your day and you can reasonably assume that what you are about to try is achievable, then tell your self doubting voice to take a hike. There is something you wish to do and don’t have time for its defeatist warnings. The real you knows best what you can and cannot accomplish. Listen for that voice. You will know the difference because one will sound logical and the other will trigger your emotions. Believe in yourself. It is the shortest path to achievement and happiness.  :))