As I slowly pull myself out of the hole I have been hiding in, I want to share something with you that filled my heart. Last Saturday, which was exactly one week since I had put down my horse, I was talking with my husband who was standing in front of the mirror in his bathroom. As I looked past him and out the small window I saw something that stirred my soul. We have four rosebushes right outside the window and only once in the two years they have been there have I ever seen a rose. That’s one rose, ever. On this day, at this time, I looked out the window and saw a single, bright pink rose, lifting its face to the sky. I must tell you that my horse’s “color” was pink. Her halter, her lead rope, her brushes, my tack box, her buckets and the show shirt I wore twice when we went to dressage shows in 2013. Pink symbolizes Barbie to me and it is the only thing that comes to mind when I see that color.
I smiled all the way to my heart and walked outside to see it up close. I sent a picture of it to my trainer, the former owner of Barbie, the one who shared the most horrible day with me. And then I cut it, brought it inside and put it in a white milk glass vase. If you look below you will see the rose attached and then in a vase. The picture in the vase was 24 hours later. It seemed that every hour the rose would open a little more. It is truly the most beautiful and fragrant rose I have ever seen.
When you are experiencing life at its very depths, when you are angry with God for what has happened to you, when the “why’s?” go unanswered, wait. Tough it out and wait. Time brings hope, it brings love, and your heart will surely be filled once again.
That afternoon I began looking online for my next horse. I actually found myself getting excited at the prospect of a new friend. I asked Barbie to send me the perfect horse, one that she would approve of. I found one that I was very interested in. It just so happens that my trainer’s trainer has been working with this horse for several years and knows it well. She thinks it would be a perfect horse for me. I am going to see it on Friday. We’ll see. I am cautiously optimistic but also wary. Maybe this is too soon. I am hoping I will know when I meet the horse, a gelding this time.
Painful times come to all of us. It is a fact of life. I practice telling others how to deal with them. Wisdom that comes from experience. I had no idea one of those times was waiting outside my door to strike. But now for the first time since it happened, I feel hopeful that everything will be all right. I knew this intellectually but now I know it in my heart. Barbie will live there, inside my heart. I will talk with her and know that she will always be watching me as I continue my journey on horseback.
Be patient with yourself. Know at the very core of your being that you will be happy again. And when you see a special rose in your garden, or some other sign, smile. Let the love in your heart fill you up and then say a quiet “thank you” to the Universe. You are not alone, ever.
