You can’t change people. I know. I’ve tried. Years ago (many, many years ago) driving home from our honeymoon, I said to my husband that I would leave him if he did not quit smoking. I felt that as his wife I had the right to insist that he take care of himself. For one year, he smoked a pipe and then went back to cigarettes. Twenty-six years later he died of lung cancer. He was 48 years old and looked 78. A tragic waste of life. A good man. I tried but I was helpless to stop him.
Years later I am with my second husband, again driving in the car. (I actually believe we were driving back from our honeymoon! Will I never learn?) I was begging him not to gain weight. This was really foolish. He wasn’t overweight at the time. I was simply paranoid. Now that we were married, and I was basically “stuck” with him, he might become fat and unattractive. This is how my mind worked back then. Silly girl. Not a similar ending to the last story but he basically ignored me.
Now that I am a fairly wise “old” woman, I realize that you cannot force – coerce- threaten or even change another human being without their desire to change. The only person you can successfully change is yourself.
Albert Einstein once wisely said, “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” What is it about us humans, especially women, who think they have the power to change someone? If we would just ask nicely; if we would give them an ultimatum (like I did). If they really loved us, blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t work! A person will change only when they decide they want to or that changing is in their best interest. (It happens.)
I know there are many young women out there who think they found the perfect lump of clay. All they have to do is spend their lifetime molding him into what they envision as the perfect spouse! How hard could it be? STOP! Find the guy who already meets most (or the most important) criteria and don’t even think you can change him. If that’s okay with you, then marry him.
I had a doctor/friend once who said to me when I got engaged for the second time (and rather quickly, I might add), “What you see is what you get, and it’s usually less.” At the time I didn’t want to believe him but he was right. You don’t meet and marry the prince charming from the fairy tale. You marry the right man for you and then he becomes your prince charming – the reality version – not the fairy tale one.
Woe to the lady who thinks she can mold her man to her liking. She will either end up disappointed, disillusioned or divorced. I’m sure there are men like that out there who want to change their mates, but my guess is they are few and far between. Men seem to be easier to please. We could take a lesson from them.
By the way, when you love someone just the way they are, they “magically” turn into the most wonderful, adoring partner you could ever dream of. For real. :))