Guns N’ Roses, 1988. One of my favorite songs. But not the topic of this conversation. I’m thinking about my children, one especially. He is going through a difficult time right now and I am on the outside looking in, with pain in my heart. It has been said that a mother is only as happy as her least happy child. Do you believe that? I do. I know it viscerally. Do all mothers feel that way? What about fathers?
The hard lesson for me is to stay out of it. I know that I must, even if everything in my being is telling me to butt in and give advice – all the life lessons I’ve learned, even though some may not apply. I have done this in the past, on more than one occasion. But now it has become very clear that unless asked, I need to keep quiet. Only speak when spoken to. And pray. That I can do, all day long.
I think back to when I had problems as a wife and mother when my parents were still alive. Guess what? They never offered advice, only if I asked for it. They let me find my own way, even if I messed up, stumbled or fell on my face. They would be there to offer a hand but that was it. I knew they were always there for me, but they didn’t interfere. That must have been hard for them, especially for my mom. She loved her daughters beyond comprehension.
You get to give your advice, teach all your lessons, tell them everything you know, before they leave the nest. Once they are gone, you are pretty much restricted to only giving advice when asked for it. I confess, that has not always stopped me. But now I truly believe I have to let them figure out life on their own, as much as that goes against my motherly instincts. How does a child grow, change, become, if you are always there to help them? What happens when you are no longer around? Do they fall apart? I believe it’s called maturity.
And so for all of you mothers or fathers out there who are too involved in your adult children’s lives, try stepping back a little. Let them know you will always be there for them if they need to reach out, but that you trust they will make good choices. And when they don’t make good choices, you trust they will remake them. You raise them well and then you let them go. That’s the hard part. Remember they were loaned to you, not given.
Oh, oh, oh Sweet child o’ mine
I love that last line, “loaned, not given” 😊