My father was strict. My mother was a softie. It was a very good balance for me and my sister growing up, but my father dominated the household. If you misbehaved, it wouldn’t take long for the you-know-what to hit the fan. Those sixty seconds before getting spanked were horrifying. So the last thing in the world I wanted to do was make Daddy mad. And so I tried to make sure he was happy with me at all times. This turned me into a people pleaser as an adult. I enjoy making people feel good and keeping things peaceful. Don’t get me wrong. I have learned to confront when necessary; but it is not my favorite thing to do.
Because this is my nature, I am prone to help when called upon. Recently that situation came up at the barn (it seems like everything comes up at the barn) which is still ongoing. I have offered my assistance temporarily (6-8 weeks – we’re at week 5) which means more work for me and longer hours there. Initially it was novel and even fun. Now it feels more like work and I am beginning to resent the other person who agreed to share who isn’t. I am spending more hours there than I want to. I am exhausted when I get home and the other-than-barn duties I have are being ignored. I found myself getting irritable and upset enough to keep me awake in the middle of the night. I worried that I might be expected to carry on with these extra duties after the 6-8 weeks are over. No! I heard myself saying. Enough is enough!
I confronted. I was assured that the extra tasks are temporary and concessions can be made to reduce the amount of time I have to be there. Whew! A lot of the problem was in my head. That is not a rarity.
Sometimes people pleasers reach their tipping point. That’s what happened to me. Instead of being in a loving frame of mind I was becoming more grouchy. I knew something had to give. I stopped feeling generous and started feeling resentful. This can happen in a relationship and often does. One partner is not pulling his or her weight. The other person, initially being considerate and caring, slowly feels put upon and resentful. They may not want to confront their partner. What happens then is that little things start irritating them and small fights break out. The fights seems to be over the little things but actually the culprit is the bigger issue of resentment. Not good. Communication up front is so important. Your partner may not even realize they are taking advantage of your good nature. Talk to them before the situation builds to a huge fight and a confused partner watches you walk out the door. Deer in the headlights moment for sure.
I feel much better now that I have spoken out about what was bothering me. Years ago I would try to hold it in and tell myself I need to be kinder and less selfish. That doesn’t work so don’t even try it. Have a conversation. Lay it all out there but do not be angry and disrespectful when you speak out. This is an opportunity for growth and understanding and that is a good thing. When it’s time to say “Enough!” say it! God bless.