It’s two o’clock in the afternoon and I can’t think of anything to do. I’m home, still recuperating from surgery in March, but I am able to do most things. This was a day I had no plans. I normally make plans, projects to do, errands to run, cleaning, etc. On this day I thought I’d wing it. That is not like me and apparently it was not a good idea. Not having a plan that is.
What am I going to do? It has always been my m.o. to do the necessary jobs first and then reward myself with something frivolous, like watching something of no value on t.v. or read something just for fun. You get the idea. When I was in elementary school I was the kid who came home, went straight to her room and did her homework. Then I allowed myself time to play. Every parent’s dream.
I guess I’ve maintained that discipline all my life which would explain why I almost panicked the other day at the number of hours in front of me with nothing to do and no ideas. I can’t just sit here, I thought to myself. I need to accomplish something today! That started me thinking. Does every day have to be productive?
I find that as I get older it becomes even more imperative that I accomplish something daily. I must make every day count. Is that abnormal? Maybe a little. The worst day for me is one in which I do nothing. I only allow myself that luxury if I’ve gotten no sleep the night before or I am sick. Neither of which was the case the other day at 2 o’clock.
Since I have stopped riding horses my days are much more open. That pastime took roughly 16-20 hours of my week. On days that I went to the barn I would come home, eat lunch and chill for the rest of the day. I was that tired.
I have tried to replace that time with my newest hobby, water color painting. I have purchased and repurchased better and better paints, brushes and paper. I have watched several hours of tutorials. I have even started following one of the painters on Instagram. She’s that good. But so far this new hobby has not taken up nearly the chunk of time usually spent at the barn. Maybe as I get better at it I will spend more time doing it. I’m still very much a beginner and of course I chose as my first project one of the hardest flowers to water color, the peony. It’s a project I want to have framed and hung in my girlie bathroom. I’m not holding my breath.
Then there is my blog. When I first started this many years ago (2013 I believe) I wrote one faithfully every week. It has since stretched out to once every 5-6 weeks, something I used to complain about with regard to other bloggers. And yet here I am doing the same thing.
I see myself writing my third book. That would take up a good chunk of time. But as of yet I am uninspired. I have no subject matter, not even the genre. Some day.
Back to 2 o’clock. I think I ended up reading and maybe doing my nails but left the day behind feeling less than. A little sad that I had not accomplished much that day. I had not been productive.
Retirement can do that to you if you are not careful. Before I retired (10 years ago) I watched a documentary on t.v. that said, “Don’t retire without a plan or you will wake up every morning and not know what to do!” That’s no problem, I thought. I have a plan. I own a horse and I ride. I take dressage lessons and I’m at the barn 3-4 days per week. I’m set!
In 2019 all that changed. And now here I am with time on my hands and I am in charge, every day. If I give myself grace I can say that “wasting time” is perfectly okay once in a while. Even every day if you are wasting a small amount. Sometimes, dare I say this, it’s okay to waste a whole day. Yikes!
Since that fatal day at 2 o’clock, I have made plans for every day. I feel more comfortable doing that. It puts my life back in control. My control. And that’s funny because as a Christian I know that God is in charge. And that is a subject for another day…. God bless.