Choose your battles – not just for children

It dawned on me today (things “dawn” on me all the time) that the expression “choose your battles” has applications outside of parenting.  When you are raising children and they do what is against the rules or are being downright irritating, it is said that you should choose your battles, i.e., don’t get angry with them every time they do something wrong.  Pick the most important thing to be upset about and let the other thing go.  Clothes still on the floor or smoking pot?    Didn’t take the garbage out or got caught driving without a license?  Shaved his (or her) head or got drunk at a party?  You get the idea.  You can’t yell at your children all the time; it makes for an unpleasant home life.  And besides, not everything they do is yell-worthy.  Choose what to make a big deal about – and it can’ be everything they do wrong.

Other applications?  Your spouse!  This is mostly for women but definitely includes both sexes.  Your spouse is not always going to do what you want or even expect.  Sometimes they will do things that positively make you crazy or make you want to run away.  Many women, I’m afraid, do not appreciate the wisdom of choosing your battles and pick at everything their husbands (boyfriends) do that does not measure up.  This is a great relationship destroyer, sadly.

On the other hand, you could choose to look the other way over the less important infractions and focus only on the really significant ones (should they ever occur).  Left dirty dishes in the sink overnight when he promised to wash them or stayed out all night drinking with “the boys”?  Forgot to send in your registration renewal (this is really your responsibility) or flirted openly and obviously with the waitress at dinner?  Borrowed your car and was involved in a fender bender or cheated on you with your best friend?  Hmmmm.  These seem to be no-brainers.

There is, I believe, a third application of this sage advice and it involves only one person – you.  I think we are often harder on ourselves than on our children or our spouses.  Maybe there is room for “choose your battles” here as well.  I sometimes beat myself up coming back from a riding lesson when I feel I didn’t do as well as I wanted to.  Perhaps I let fear get in the way that day, or felt tired and wasn’t trying very hard.  I start the dialogue in my head on the way home.  “Well, that didn’t go very well.  When are you going to stop letting fear get in the way of your riding?  You should have been more confident and pushed through it this time.”  Etc. , etc.  Then what have I accomplished except to feel depressed by the time I get home and then I proceed to rehash the lesson ten more times before bed!  Pause for sleep.  Wake up in the morning and think about it again.  Not productive.

What I should say instead is, “Well, you were more anxious today than usual.  That messed you up a bit.  But you rode and you did the best you could under the circumstances.  Next time will be better.”  And you know what?  Next time is almost always better!  That is directly related to my attitude.  (That’s another blog, right there.)

My point?  Choose your own battles.  Get upset with yourself only when absolutely necessary.  And don’t sweat the small stuff.  (You know the rest of it, right?  “And it’s all small stuff!”)

Keep the following in your mind at all times –