On Fear and Riding Horses

Being one of those people in love with horses and totally committed to riding, I felt it necessary to write something about them in my blog.  Coming from personal experience, riding horses can be anywhere on the spectrum from terrifying to exhilarating and sometimes both at the same time!  (For me, that would be the canter.)

I am a late bloomer in most aspects of life, riding horses is no exception.  I have always loved them – in particular their wild and beautiful spirit.  To this day when I see horses running, especially my own horse, it touches my soul and brings such joy to my heart.  When my horse is excited as she runs, she squeals!  It is the funniest thing to see and it completely messes with my spiritual experience, turning it into a laughing matter.  It is delightful to be there in her presence as she flies across the arena expressing her joy with wild abandon.  (“Dance like no one is watching!”  How did she know about that?)

I purchased my first horse in 2006, a sorrel (reddish brown) quarter horse gelding.  I named him Timbre.  I liked the sound of it and the play on words, using the musical reference for spelling purposes.  A beautiful 6 year old, he was barely broke but had been used as a lesson horse so I figured he was safe.  And for the most part, he was.

I remember after I handed over my check for $5,000 to the owner (my husband thought that was exorbitant – “But he has papers!”  I said.  “He’s registered!”)  Anyway, after I paid for him I remember calling my sister and saying, “I just bought a horse!  Now what?”

Well, like most first time things in life, you learn as you go, which I did.  I hired a trainer (conveniently, the seller was a trainer) and started riding, twice a week, under her fine tutelage.  It was scary, it was thrilling and soon I was in love with everything horse.  (That has not changed.)  When I was up on his back, it felt like I was on top of a skyscraper.  (He was only 15.3 hands.  Tall horses start at about 16 hands, short ones 14, so you see, he was in the middle, far from a Clydesdale.)

I was a cowgirl then, rode Western and went out on trail.  The problem was, this horse was like a teenager, trying to get his way as often as possible.  Here is where being a new rider can become troublesome.  I was not confident enough as a rider or strong enough as a “trainer” of this horse, to be the leader, all of the time.  A horse looks to its rider to be the leader.  If you do not let him know that you are taking on that role, he will gladly do so.  That is NOT what you want!

During the first year I owned him, my husband purchased his own horse.  He had ridden before and was pretty confident.  He had no leadership issues with horses.  Because we lived in San Clemente at the time and our horses were in Trabuco Canyon (about 45 minutes away) we wanted to move our horses closer to home.  We found a barn in San Juan Capistrano and  after a couple months’ wait, we were able to move them to the new facility.   It was only ten minutes from our home.

So where does the fear come in?  As I said, I didn’t take up riding until 2006.  I was 57.  I don’t know how old you are but when you are older, you tend to be more cautious about things, especially things that can hurt (or kill) you.  I was no exception.  One Sunday I went to the barn for my usual ride.  I met some friends there and we agreed to ride around the property. It was to be a short ride as it had rained for over seven days and the ground was just beginning to dry out.  Here is the big red flag – none of these horses had gotten out since the rain had stopped.  It’s called “turning out”.  Before you ride, you should make sure your horse has gotten out and had a chance to run around – getting all of his excess energy out, before you get on his back.  It’s just common sense and a good precaution.

On this particular Sunday in January 2010, three days before my birthday, I decided to tack up my horse and ride with my friends, even though he had not had a chance to run around first.  The areas where he might have been turned out were still too muddy,  making it impossible.  Red flag, big red flag.  I missed it.  Or maybe ignored it.

I got on my horse and felt his tension underneath me, his excess energy was apparent.  After a few minutes I got off and just walked him.  I thought better of getting back on but saw that my friend, who was considerably older, waiting for me to climb back on so our ride could begin.  I called myself a wimp and got back on my horse.  We then turned a corner and here is where the stubborn teenager came out loud and clear.  He bucked me off so hard that I flew over his head, turned a somersault in mid-air and landed hard on my left arm, breaking it.  The pain was excruciating.

After five months of physical therapy, I  convinced myself that this was not the right horse for me so I found him a wonderful home and then tried to talk myself out of ever riding again.  It didn’t work.  I was hooked, scared, but hooked.  I still loved horses and still wanted to ride, fears and all.  After I was finished with the therapy I found a trainer at my barn who would help me get back on a horse.  The horse she would put me on would be “educated”, i.e. fully trained and therefore a safer mount for me.  (My logic at the time.) I was moving into new territory, however, as she was an “English” trainer.  I decided that this might be a good way for me to move forward.  Trying something new and something confined to an arena  seemed more secure to me.

I nervously drove myself to the barn that day for my first lesson, post accident.  My horse, Paulo, was all tacked up and ready for me.  The trainer pulled the horse over to the mounting block (easiest way to get on a horse putting less stress on his back).  I climbed to the top and began by placing my left foot in the stirrup.  I started to swing my right leg over his back, in slow motion.  During this long process of swinging my leg over my mind was screaming at me – “Don’t do it!  It’s not safe!  Are you crazy?  You could get hurt again!  You’re too old for this!!!!!”  I was terrified.  I could feel my heart beating against my chest.  Not to be embarrassed, I finished the swing and sat on his back.  The trainer walked us into the arena and we proceeded with my first lesson.

That was almost four years ago.  Since then I have owned two more horses, present one included.  I have come off four more times, seriously only once and that ended in a fractured thumb, requiring surgery.  Even though I ride a horse of sound mind and body now, there is always a risk you take when you ride.  All you can do is minimize the risk, both externally and internally.  The best way to minimize risk is learning how to be a better rider, every day.  Riding is about having a good “seat” for balance and safety.  Much of riding involves your brain and what it tells you, especially if you are nervous.

I am a little scared every time I get on her back but I work through it.  I work through it because I am one of those crazy people who can’t live without horses, without the smell of them, the feel of them underneath you, moving in unison with one of God’s most special creatures –   the beautiful, the magnificent, the spiritual….horse.

Picture of me saying goodbye to Timbre.