Things to ponder

This is Camille, my cat. She is one of two. As I was running around this morning trying to get ready before I had to leave my house, I glanced over toward our sliding door and this is what I saw.

Oh, to be a cat! My busy day was facing me and this would be her day, with a few walks to the litter box and to the kitchen for food and water. Have you ever wanted to trade your day with a cat’s? With the holidays rapidly approaching (next week is Thanksgiving!) I find myself increasingly stressed as the days tick by. “But you’re retired!” you say.  True. But my days are overflowing as it is, minus the holidays. Where do I find the time to figure out Christmas, let alone Thanksgiving?  So much to do. Today I would like to be Camille.

I am a very organized person, which is most helpful this time of year. I can’t imagine navigating these two months without a few lists or calendars. It still brings stress, however. Napping on a soft carpet in the sun sounds so much more inviting than creative financing, time to shop, still getting to the barn, groceries (every week!) and housework. Did I mention laundry, book promotion, reading the bible, reading my other books, meeting friends for lunch, watching the few shows that I tape? Need I go on?

But if I were a cat, I wouldn’t possess all the joys of being human. It’s not all about stress. And, by the way, stress is usually imposed upon us, by us. Being human allows for a life full of richness, beauty, challenges (some met, some not), powerful emotions, complicated relationships, anger, sadness, joy, love. The whole ball of wax. (Where did that expression come from?) I love being human and experiencing all of it, even on days like today when I might want to be Camille, even for just a few hours.

Do any of you remember the commercial, “Calgon, take me away?”Calgon was a box of soothing bath beads or bubble bath, I can’t remember which. There was a woman in the commercial and she was stressed out. The implication was that taking a nice long bath would carry away, at least in the short term, all of  her problems and the stress that went with them. I never tried it, but I am a fan of baths.

Taking a bath, enjoying a glass of wine, listening to your favorite music, reading for pleasure, meditating, going for a walk, are all good temporary escapes from the stresses of the day. They are an important means to an end – retaining your sanity and good health. I would highly recommend doing one of these things or something similar at least once a week during the holidays. It will bring your focus back to what is important in your life. It’s not the busyness of life that counts. It’s what you think about when you are not busy.

So today I will complete what is on my schedule and let Camille do what she does. I wonder if she ever wants to be me?  Nah, probably not. :))

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I’m looking at a square of light on our pale bedroom carpet. In the middle of the square is a shadow tree, reflected from the window above our bed. Its branches are dancing in the morning breeze. Beautiful, I think to myself. And the prettiest part of the square is the shadow. Too bad shadows get such a bad rap. Why is that?

People are afraid of what might be lurking in the shadows. You can’t always see what’s in them, which makes them frightening. The unknown is disturbing. Years ago there was a gothic soap opera on television called “Dark Shadows”, that ran for five years in the mid sixties.  I think I watched it once. Some people enjoy being scared. I would not be one of them.

Some shadows are friendly, like the shadow Ruby (my horse) and I might make in the arena on a sunny day. Shadow puppets aren’t the least bit frightening. My hand is creating a shadow now as I write this blog in my notebook. Interesting, but not scary.

There are shadows and then there is the dark. I’m not crazy about the dark. As our seasons change and winter approaches, days are shorter and the darkness is around for a longer period of time. For me, darkness is far scarier than a shadow. In the pitch blackness of a room you cannot see what is there. I read once that whatever is in the darkness will be there in the light. But in the dark, your imagination can create all kinds of monsters that could be hiding there, waiting to jump out at you. Unnerving, I say. When I walk into a dark room, I try to be brave, challenging myself not to turn on the light. But I still feel relieved as I exit the room . In the dark we are forced to rely on our hearing. In the light, it is our sight that guides us, something more reliable and therefore comforting.

Darkness and shadows are frightening because of their unknown characteristic. What could be hiding there? People who are comfortable with not knowing everything can probably navigate dark spaces better than I. They are brave souls.

Shadows are created by light, whether natural or artificial. I remember one of the first nights we slept in our home. I was glancing at our sliding door, covered by light curtains, which faced the back yard. Suddenly, a large shadowy figure passed in front of the ground level lamp my husband had set up next to a bush. I jumped up and told my husband what I saw. “Something big just crossed by the sliding door. You need to check it out – NOW!” Well, it turned out to be a rabbit or some other similarly sized rodent. In front of the light, it was as tall as a human being. It took several minutes for my heart to regain its normal rhythm.

Here are some of my favorite quotes about darkness:

Light can only be understood with the wisdom of darkness.    Ka Chinery, Perceptions from the Photon Frequency

The value of sunshine is just because of the existence of darkness.   Samar Sudha

Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that.….     Martin Luther King, Jr.

In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.    Frances Bacon

People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.    Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

What are your thoughts about shadows and darkness?

 

 

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I was single most of my adult life until 2002 when I met Bill, my current husband. I dated on and off for probably thirty years. I learned a lot about men, myself, what I was willing to accept and what I could definitely live without. There were several missteps on my part, blindness to the “red flags”. I think many of us have trouble either seeing them or walking away once we know they are there. I used to think I could live with one or two red flags or change the man so that the flag would eventually disappear. Foolish thinking on my part.

I paid the price for my foolishness. I married a man with red flags. We were together long enough to have my second child. I told myself everything happens for a reason and my son was a great reason for that marriage. Nevertheless, all of us paid the price for my decision.

And then there was a man I dated for two years after the breakup of my first marriage. He worked with my sister. She never introduced us because we were so different from one another, red flag #1. I ignored it and we started dating after meeting at a party. There was a strong physical attraction for both of us. That is where the similarity ended. He smoked pot. I thought I could fix that. He even promised to quit if I would move in with him. I did, for eight months. Guess what? He didn’t quit. I left. It hurt for a long time. After all, we loved each other. One night we sat on the floor in my new apartment, crying, with a box of tissues between us. We were very different people. I should have listened to my sister.

The second relationship lasted three years. He had never been married. He was in his 40’s. Red flag? I was crazy in love with him. The red flags in this relationship were more subtle. I missed some of them and ignored the others. One afternoon I was completely caught off guard when he suggested a one month trial separation. I knew there was little hope for a reconciliation but I clung to it, romantic and unwilling to give up. Of course at the end of the thirty days he broke up with me. He was already dating someone else. He then had the audacity to get engaged to this woman. Clearly she was very different from me. They were engaged for seven or eight years and then got married. She must have wanted him more than I did to wait that long.

What am I trying to say here? Love is important, a key component in a happy, healthy relationship. But if that is all you have holding you together, it won’t last. You need friendship, respect, trust, common goals, common values and morals. In other words, you need a solid foundation to weather the certain storms that will come at you. Just being in love is not enough.

Don’t build your relationship on moonbeams and  rainbows with love songs playing in the background. That might work in fairy tales or the movies, but not real life. What’s love got to do with it? A lot, but you need much more to live happily ever after.   The End. :))

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Now that is an oxymoron! Simon & Garfunkel aside, I want to talk about the beauty of silence. The other day I was reading a book on our small couch that backs up to the french doors leading to our deck. In other words, my back was to the outside, allowing for the light to illuminate the pages of my book. Because it is an otherwise dark room, this small couch is my favorite place to read.

I stopped focusing on the words that day because I saw the shadow of leaves from the tree behind me, dancing across the pages of my book. This took my complete attention as I stared for minutes, forgetting  about the printed words. It was hypnotizing. Soon I became aware of the silence in the room. The combination of the dancing leaf shadows and the silence made me positively euphoric. Such a simple thing and yet to me it was quite powerful.

Silence is underrated. For years I couldn’t abide it. I had to have background noise of some kind, any kind. Silence was unnerving to me. It gave free rein to the noise in my head which apparently I didn’t want to deal with. Now I can “listen” to the silence for hours at a time. I can’t do it for an entire day, at least I don’t think so. But my ability to listen to nothing has increased exponentially with my age.

What is so great about silence? In the silence you hear things you can’t hear with the television or the radio on. You hear birds, for one thing. Around my house you can hear hawks flying over with their unmistakable plaintive cries.  My favorite sound is the wind blowing through the very tall trees that surround our property. But maybe you live in the City. What does silence mean to those who have trouble finding it? An opportunity to listen to the sounds of life. To tone down the noise in your head. Be still. Listen to the wisdom of your soul. Maybe something deep inside will speak to you. How can it be heard over the din of traffic, television or chatter? The truth is it can’t be heard and even if it could, more than likely you would tune it out.

Meditation affords us the ability to be still and sit in the silence. But not everyone meditates. Many think it impossible to clear your mind in order to listen. It is challenging but obviously achievable.

My suggestion, if you are not a friend of silence, is to give it a try. Allow yourself ten or fifteen minutes in the beginning and then slowly increase the time. It will change you. It will open your heart as well as your mind to new possibilities. It will ultimately teach you more about yourself.

Go beyond the dancing shadow leaves on a page. See where the silence will take you. Listen, appreciate and delight in, the sound of silence.

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The simple explanation for this phrase is that “fibbing” is naughty and pants on fire refers to a spanking. Derivation aside, I am here to talk about lying. I don’t like it. The worst thing you can do to me is lie. Whenever my children did it, there were serious consequences. To me, lying is tantamount to betrayal, and that takes it to a whole new level.  I remember as a child getting into big trouble if I lied, so even when I knew the outcome would be harsh, I always told the truth, to the point of my own detriment.

Then there are “white lies”. It’s deemed acceptable to tell a white lie because white lies are to protect the person being lied to, to keep their feelings from being hurt. “Your new haircut is very becoming!” “Your  baby is adorable!” If I find myself in that situation, I do sometimes (but I am cringing when I do) tell a white lie when there is no escaping it. Otherwise I say something neutral or vague like “That haircut really suits you” or “Your baby looks just like you!”

I have known people who lie like a rug. I have listened to them on the phone telling someone they are on their way out of town, or their company just arrived. The worst one I heard was someone telling a doctor they needed to be in the operating room with their child and when told “no” said “But it would be detrimental to my child if I am not there. I’m a psychiatrist and I know these things.” That one stunned me to my core.

Why do we lie? For children, that’s an easy answer, when the truth will get them into trouble. As a child, you will do anything to avoid punishment. I come from an era where fathers spanked their children and I got my fair share. Getting my father mad at me was beyond scary. That’s enough to make a child very creative. As I mentioned earlier, it didn’t work well for me because I didn’t like lying.

Why do adults lie? There is not enough time to go into that deep question. Many reasons,  to get what they want, to impress someone, make themselves sound more important, to keep the truth from someone they don’t want to hurt. Is lying ever acceptable? You’re asking the wrong person. It’s one of my hot buttons.

Next time you are about to lie, ask yourself if it really is the right thing to do. Weigh the consequences of telling the truth instead. Think about it long and hard. Lying is not a good thing, not in my mind, ever.

So, what did you think of my blog? :))

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I am in the middle of preparation for a blog tour that will last for three weeks. It has required me to write blog posts and answer interview questions to the point where creativity has become a challenge. When I awoke this morning I knew that I had to write my weekly blog today. Reaching into the filing cabinets in the back of my mind for ideas, I came up with nothing! The thought then crossed my mind that perhaps I could “replay” one of my older blogs from a long time ago. You know how TV and radio stations often play “The best of” when the host is on vacation or sick? Hmm. What is my “best of”?  What is yours?

If you are like me, you’re probably thinking that your “best of” moments are just that –  moments – and not just one experience. That started me thinking. How would a person determine their “best of” moments?

What immediately came to my mind was giving birth to my two sons. Those were easily “best of” times;  or stepping up onto the podium at Cal State University Long Beach to receive my Bachelor’s of Science Degree at the age of thirty-six.  And then there was the time I walked down the aisle in 2004 to marry the man I had waited for for fifteen years. You get the idea.

Those are obvious bests. How about when you are being your authentic self or when you are perfectly in the moment? Not grand, life-altering experiences, but nevertheless times that you could definitely refer to as “best of.”

Writing a blog or a scene in a book that gives me great satisfaction and pride falls under that category.  Or overcoming a fear, even if it is just once,  that scared me to death just thinking about it. Putting a really good dinner on the table. (I’m not a cook!) Having my trainer say “Great job!” after a particularly challenging lesson.

Your “best of” is not just a one time deal. You have “best of” moments every day. You may not see or appreciate their significance. Try looking out for them and taking note. They are abundant, like miracles. But that is a topic for another day.  :))

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I have known this biblical phrase since I was a young girl, going to Sunday School and living in a Christian home. But its significance did not reach me until I was an adult and on my own. It is a powerful reminder that we are not alone in this world.

I recently spent four days with my younger son, his wife and their five month old baby boy in Oregon. My son and his wife are Christians. Knowing that I had recently become a Christian (reborn), they spent time with me answering questions about Jesus and the bible. Additionally, they played some current Christian songs that I have fallen in love with. Two of my favorites are “Forever Reign” by One Sonic Society and “Lord I need you” sung by Matt Maher. You can listen to them on YouTube if you wish.  Even if you aren’t interested in the message, the music itself is haunting and beautiful.

Be still and know that I am God is one of the most comforting statements a person can hear. Think about it. If you are troubled or going through a difficult time and you repeat this phrase over and over again, wouldn’t it make you feel better?  It says to me that nothing is insurmountable.

It reminds me that as a young girl my world sometimes felt overwhelming. My mother would cuddle me in her arms and tell me that everything was going to be okay. She understood and was there for me. It made me feel safe and secure as well as loved. With the phrase Be still and know that I am God, Jesus is telling us what my mother was telling me. “I am here. I will take care of you. There is nothing to fear.   Have faith in me.” In other words, I’ve got your back. How would that make you feel? Wouldn’t it take you from a solitary and perhaps frightening place to one of comfort and security?

The world we live in can be a scary place where we often feel powerless to change. Relationships are strained and can fall apart. Loved ones get sick and pass away. Worry about how you are going to make it to the next paycheck can prevent you from being happy and at peace. Life is tough and not for the faint of heart. But we cannot get through it alone. Don’t try to. It won’t work.

I realize that some of you are non-Christians. Take what you will from my words. If something speaks to you, use it. If not, that’s okay too.

Be still and know that I am God. Remember this the next time you feel lonely or tired or sad. You truly are not alone. Just knowing that should make you feel better. We were not meant to suffer through life but to live it joyfully and with gratitude. You are a blessing. Believe it.  :))

 

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This used to be my mantra. I believed that if I was patient enough, everything I ever wanted (including a husband) would fall into my life. Waiting was the key.

For years I tried the whole patience thing. Don’t get me wrong;  patience truly is a virtue, when you have no choice.  For example, sitting in traffic, waiting in line at the Post Office or for the clouds to blow over and the sun to shine. All good examples of the need for patience. I’m sure you have a few examples of your own to add.

Other than scenarios where you have no control, patience be damned! Don’t wait for what you want! Don’t hope that it shows up on your doorstep,  in your bank account, or in your driveway! Ask for what you want! People who ask are ten times more likely to get what they want than are those who quietly and patiently wait, hoping. Is it that easy? Yes…………and no.

Asking for what you want takes courage, planning, confidence, timing and patience. (There’s that word again.) You must have all of the above before taking the plunge.  Easy? Not exactly. But if you use these tools, you will have a better chance of being successful.

Sometimes it requires boldness. I recently went to Cuba with my husband. To reduce the cost of our trip, I proposed to my travel agent that I would do a travelogue in exchange for my portion (1/2). I came up with the idea because the travelogue on their website was outdated and never mentioned the travel agency. I wrote a proposal which made sense and pointed out its value to the company. In my favor were the following facts: I am a published writer, including journals. I am well traveled and have been on many tours.

It took patience and follow up on my part but in the end, I was successful! Not only did they accept my proposal but they purchased 100 of my books (“The Story She Had to Tell”) to give as gifts to people taking the Cuban tour. This book, a novel, takes place in Cuba in the 1950s

In the end I got more than I asked for, all because of a creative idea and all five of the necessary requirements I mentioned earlier: courage, planning, confidence, timing and patience. A crazy idea turned into a win-win for everyone involved.

The thing about asking for what you want is that there are no guarantees. You must be prepared to hear the word “No.” Or you might get lucky like I did, where all the stars align. But this is not always the case. Then again, what do you have to lose? If you get all of your ducks in a row and the answer comes back “No”, then your position in life has not changed. You are right where you were before the ask. If you get a “Yes,” your position has been elevated. Hallelujah!

In summary, patience is best used in situations of little to no control. In other scenarios, “Ask for what you want.” (Remembering the five tools.)

In light of my new familiarity with the bible,  I feel compelled to say that part of asking for what you want is asking God. That reminds me of two sayings, one from Science of Mind and the other a biblical reference. “Pray with your feet moving” and “God helps those who help themselves.” Just some more food for thought!  🙂

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I was standing in line recently at my local postal annex. It immediately became obvious that it would not be a quick “check the box” off my list of things to do. An older woman in front of me turned around and said, “I see you are practicing your delayed gratification skills.” It made me laugh. She was clearly an intelligent woman who had a long life behind her, filled with many interesting stories, I’m sure.

My initial thought after her statement was that I wouldn’t call this particular scenario “delayed gratification”. That would be waiting in line for an ice cream cone, to get a prize or to relax with a nice glass of wine after the day’s chores. But I knew what she meant. We had a nice conversation while both of us practiced patience, that was my take on it.

It started me thinking about delayed gratification. It’s not a concept you consider very often. When I look at my own life, I realize that I could be the queen of delayed gratification! It goes all the way back to my childhood. I was a very disciplined child. I would come home from school, go upstairs and immediately do my homework before getting a snack or going out to play with friends. Crazy, right? To this day I “reward” myself with kicking back and watching my previously taped TV shows only after all tasks have been completed. I have no idea where this discipline came from. Perhaps my father. But he never told me I had to do homework first. That was my idea.

The rewards are so much sweeter to me when my work has been accomplished and I know there is nothing hovering over my head that still has to be done. I do make minor exceptions occasionally, like coming home and eating my lunch before writing my blog because I’m starving! Actually, I can’t think of many times that I don’t delay the gratification. Maybe I need a shrink!

So, is it a sign of maturity to delay your gratification? When it comes to buying things you don’t really need, or buying a higher end version of something you do need; perhaps delaying your purchase until you have more available funds is the mature thing to do. Many younger people, especially, do not believe they should deny themselves the pleasures of life, whether they can afford them or not. Immaturity is what I would call that.

But allowing yourself an ice cream cone before dinner once in a while, splurging on a dress you don’t really need but you know it won’t keep you from paying your bills, relaxing with a glass of wine before you finish chores at home – These things are not immaturity but giving yourself a present, which I believe is healthy behavior when done on occasion.

I believe delayed gratification is overrated. If you can’t actually afford something, don’t buy it! If buying that item will put your family in dire financial straights; well, that’s a no brainer, isn’t it? You shouldn’t make the purchase!

Standing in line when you have many other errands to run is a lesson in patience, not delayed gratification. The same goes for traffic jams. We certainly know about those, living in Southern California. Our patience is tested on a regular basis.

Once in a while have dessert before dinner. Buy the beautiful shoes that you don’t really need but must have – knowing that it won’t break the bank. Uh, see picture below. I did buy the shoes I didn’t need but had to have! Pretty, right? And so practical! I can wear them with many outfits! (Rationalization, a topic for another time.)    :))

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No! I don’t mean that at all cost you must be perfect in everything you do. You can never fail. No. That’s not the message I wish to impart. I’ve decided, especially after a recent experience, that there is no such thing as failure!  What?

If you try something and it doesn’t work out –  have you really failed or did you just figure out that you must re-group, perhaps learn a little more and then try again? Is it really failure? I have decided I dislike that word but more importantly, the concept. How defeatist it is! How does it make you feel?  LOUSY! Discouraged, disheartened and maybe even depressed. That’s not good. And who says you failed? Is it your own perception? Others’ perception?

Fail: (According to Webster:) 1. to fall short; 2. to miss performing an expected service or function; 3. to disappoint the expectations or trust…    It’s so final, so hopeless. I choose not to acknowledge it any longer. It’s a word we can all do without, right?

You take your driver’s test and you don’t make it. You didn’t get your license. Go home, study and try again! Does that make you a failure? Of course not.

Okay,  time to confess my recent “failure”. My first dressage show with my new horse. It did not turn out the way I wanted it to. We got to the venue late. I had only a short time to tack up and had but five minutes in the warm up arena. And then it was show time!  Ruby was nervous and trotting faster than I was used to. My nerves grew which in turn made her more nervous. (That’s the way it works with horses.) Old tapes played in my head, going back to the scary “out of control” feelings I have had in the past. It was too late. The time had come to perform in front of the judges. I wanted to die but I went into the arena on my nervous horse with dread in my heart.

She ignored most of my cues because they were incorrectly given. I kept looking for the “slow down” button on her back but it wasn’t there! The irony here is that the judges were loving her “forward trot”. She happens to look adorable when she does it, pointing her toes and looking like a true dressage horse.

I was mortified leaving the show arena. All I wanted to do was get out of there as quickly as possible. I had failed, at least in my eyes. I was a loser. Maybe I should focus more on my writing and not so much on riding. That idea didn’t last long. I love this! Strangely enough, my scores were not nearly as bad as I thought they would be. Imagine that.

For a couple of days afterward I felt downtrodden. I decided not to think about it for a few days. I tried to acknowledge the positives – decent scores, my horse behaved and I stayed on! Oh, yes, and my husband thought I looked great!

Yesterday was my first day riding her after the show. We practiced the things that bothered me on Saturday and how best to deal with them. I nailed it! I can regain control if I lose it.  I can do this! It was a great lesson, on many levels.

My next show with her will be soon. I will be better prepared mentally and hopefully Ruby will be less nervous. In any case, what happened on Saturday was not a failure. It was an opportunity for growth, a change in perspective and a time to look up instead of down. Now seriously, how can you call that a failure?  :)))

 

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