Life stories

We all have them. We decide, on an individual basis, if the voice is our conscious or unconscious mind, the “devil”, “God”, “ego” or some random fictional character of our own creation. We decide who it is based on our initial reaction to what “they” are saying to us.

I refer to mine as “negative Sarah” and “positive Sarah”. As an example of how it works in my life, the other morning I woke up tired and lethargic which usually brings out the negative in me. “This will be a crappy day, difficult to get through and depressing, no matter what I do.” I have heard this voice before, many times. Sometimes I listen to it, accepting what it says as TRUTH. Other times, when I am strong enough, I reject its message and replace it with another, more positive one.

So, on this particular morning, when I heard “negative Sarah” talking, my shoulders drooped (if not literally, then certainly they drooped in a figurative sense), my heart sunk and I tried to prepare myself for the gloomy day ahead. Maybe I should just go back to bed, I though despondently.

Oh please!! The “positive Sarah” was awake and alert to what was going on inside my head. “You know you have a choice,” she said quietly, but with conviction. “I know that!” I replied. “Well? You could make this a good, or even great day, if you chose to!” Knowing she was right, I envisioned myself pushing through the negative messages and creating a good day for myself. It felt challenging, but certainly worth a try. And so I did. I didn’t try, I did it. I pushed through the kind of day my negative self had in store and created one that was positively delightful.

Hmmm. What does this tell us? Every hour of every day we have a choice between something positive and something negative. A choice between happiness or sadness. The power lies within. You do not have to listen to the negative messages being fed to you by (insert your preferred name here). You can, instead, “push through” them to get to the good stuff.

Have you known people, or even been friends with people who are always seeing the grey of life? No matter how good things seem to you, they see darkness and misery. If you hang around people like that long enough it begins to rub off on you. If you are sensitive to that kind of thing you can actually feel the negativity rubbing against your skin, trying to get inside. Stay away from those people! Or at the very least, limit your contact.

Most of us want to be happy and live joyful lives. It doesn’t “happen” to you, it is created by you. Yes, we are each responsible for our own happiness. Sound daunting? It doesn’t have to be. Make the choice, every day, to see good in everything. This is most challenging when things around you do not appear to be good. That happens to all of us. The trick here is not to put too much stock in appearances. They are not real. They are ever changing. That is a huge subject for another blog, or two blogs.

Suffice it say that when you hear the negative voices in your head, know that you have a choice, to either listen to them and follow their lead, or to tell them “Thanks for sharing but I am not interested today.” Choose rather the positive voice. Push through and create a wonderful day, a beautiful experience, a lovely memory. YOU HAVE THE POWER. Use it!

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I don’t know about you, but I grew up in a disciplined household where idleness was not something to be rewarded. I took it a step further and created rules in my own head that I felt compelled to obey. I would come home from school (this started in elementary school) and the first thing I would do was my homework. Only then would I allow myself to play. Not only did I have a disciplinary father, but I created an extra father figure within so I would guarantee myself a life free from idleness.

To this day if I have things I want to get done, I make myself do them first and then I can relax and do what pleases me, which may turn out to be nothing. It is really hard for me to permit myself a day of non-productivity. Such a waste of time, I think to myself. I could have accomplished so many things during the time that I sat in front of the T.V. or laid on the couch and read People magazine. Only after I completed some tasks listed on a piece of paper or in my head, could I truly relax and do nothing.

There is an exception to this rule, however; when I am sick I allow myself to vegetate on the couch with my soft covered pillow from the bedroom and either watch junk on T.V. or try to sleep. That is guilt free relaxation. I am, after all, infirm and need to rest. The doctor would agree!

Being retired, you can imagine that the temptation to relax can be very strong, indeed. If I wanted to, I could relax all day and no one would know, except the father figure in my head, of course. Yes, and that is exactly who I must debate with whenever the mood strikes me to refrain from working.

Yesterday I had a bad allergy day. The night before I was up in the middle of the night sneezing and blowing my nose in the bathroom so as not to wake my sleeping husband. I was in there for over half an hour and then continued awake in bed with my irritating nose for another hour. At least the third antihistamine I took started working and I was finally able to sleep. As soon as I got out of bed in the morning, the sneezing resumed. More antihistamines and off to the barn I went. I didn’t have to ride that day but had to take care of my horse who is recuperating from a lower leg strain.

I came home and thought I should spend the remainder of the day doing something productive. Most of the day was still in front of me. I ate lunch and then laid on the couch, continuing to watch shows on T.V. that I had recorded earlier. The father in my head was arguing with me telling me to get up, turn off the T.V. and do something on that list of mine!

I looked for excuses. I don’t feel well. I am tired from all the antihistamines and have no energy to do anything. What if I gave myself permission to do nothing the rest of the day? That would cover about three hours. Wow! Could I really do that? Do nothing? Choose not to be productive? Hmm. What a blasphemous idea!

For the next three hours I rested on that couch, read a little and was totally and completely unproductive. It felt deliciously irresponsible. I felt like I was getting away with something that no one would ever know about. It ended up being very relaxing and gave me more energy for the evening with my husband.

Here is the lesson. It is perfectly permissible to take time out every once in a while and do nothing, or do something you love to do that has no extrinsic value, just that it feels good at the time. Some of you, perhaps many of you have no problem doing that. You must have learned the lesson long ago. But some of you, like me, might need to know that it is okay to be non-productive for minutes, or hours or even a whole day. It is good for the soul, replenishes your mind and gives you that delightful feeling that you have just gotten away with something. A harkening back to childhood. Try it! I give you permission.

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Being one of those people in love with horses and totally committed to riding, I felt it necessary to write something about them in my blog.  Coming from personal experience, riding horses can be anywhere on the spectrum from terrifying to exhilarating and sometimes both at the same time!  (For me, that would be the canter.)

I am a late bloomer in most aspects of life, riding horses is no exception.  I have always loved them – in particular their wild and beautiful spirit.  To this day when I see horses running, especially my own horse, it touches my soul and brings such joy to my heart.  When my horse is excited as she runs, she squeals!  It is the funniest thing to see and it completely messes with my spiritual experience, turning it into a laughing matter.  It is delightful to be there in her presence as she flies across the arena expressing her joy with wild abandon.  (“Dance like no one is watching!”  How did she know about that?)

I purchased my first horse in 2006, a sorrel (reddish brown) quarter horse gelding.  I named him Timbre.  I liked the sound of it and the play on words, using the musical reference for spelling purposes.  A beautiful 6 year old, he was barely broke but had been used as a lesson horse so I figured he was safe.  And for the most part, he was.

I remember after I handed over my check for $5,000 to the owner (my husband thought that was exorbitant – “But he has papers!”  I said.  “He’s registered!”)  Anyway, after I paid for him I remember calling my sister and saying, “I just bought a horse!  Now what?”

Well, like most first time things in life, you learn as you go, which I did.  I hired a trainer (conveniently, the seller was a trainer) and started riding, twice a week, under her fine tutelage.  It was scary, it was thrilling and soon I was in love with everything horse.  (That has not changed.)  When I was up on his back, it felt like I was on top of a skyscraper.  (He was only 15.3 hands.  Tall horses start at about 16 hands, short ones 14, so you see, he was in the middle, far from a Clydesdale.)

I was a cowgirl then, rode Western and went out on trail.  The problem was, this horse was like a teenager, trying to get his way as often as possible.  Here is where being a new rider can become troublesome.  I was not confident enough as a rider or strong enough as a “trainer” of this horse, to be the leader, all of the time.  A horse looks to its rider to be the leader.  If you do not let him know that you are taking on that role, he will gladly do so.  That is NOT what you want!

During the first year I owned him, my husband purchased his own horse.  He had ridden before and was pretty confident.  He had no leadership issues with horses.  Because we lived in San Clemente at the time and our horses were in Trabuco Canyon (about 45 minutes away) we wanted to move our horses closer to home.  We found a barn in San Juan Capistrano and  after a couple months’ wait, we were able to move them to the new facility.   It was only ten minutes from our home.

So where does the fear come in?  As I said, I didn’t take up riding until 2006.  I was 57.  I don’t know how old you are but when you are older, you tend to be more cautious about things, especially things that can hurt (or kill) you.  I was no exception.  One Sunday I went to the barn for my usual ride.  I met some friends there and we agreed to ride around the property. It was to be a short ride as it had rained for over seven days and the ground was just beginning to dry out.  Here is the big red flag – none of these horses had gotten out since the rain had stopped.  It’s called “turning out”.  Before you ride, you should make sure your horse has gotten out and had a chance to run around – getting all of his excess energy out, before you get on his back.  It’s just common sense and a good precaution.

On this particular Sunday in January 2010, three days before my birthday, I decided to tack up my horse and ride with my friends, even though he had not had a chance to run around first.  The areas where he might have been turned out were still too muddy,  making it impossible.  Red flag, big red flag.  I missed it.  Or maybe ignored it.

I got on my horse and felt his tension underneath me, his excess energy was apparent.  After a few minutes I got off and just walked him.  I thought better of getting back on but saw that my friend, who was considerably older, waiting for me to climb back on so our ride could begin.  I called myself a wimp and got back on my horse.  We then turned a corner and here is where the stubborn teenager came out loud and clear.  He bucked me off so hard that I flew over his head, turned a somersault in mid-air and landed hard on my left arm, breaking it.  The pain was excruciating.

After five months of physical therapy, I  convinced myself that this was not the right horse for me so I found him a wonderful home and then tried to talk myself out of ever riding again.  It didn’t work.  I was hooked, scared, but hooked.  I still loved horses and still wanted to ride, fears and all.  After I was finished with the therapy I found a trainer at my barn who would help me get back on a horse.  The horse she would put me on would be “educated”, i.e. fully trained and therefore a safer mount for me.  (My logic at the time.) I was moving into new territory, however, as she was an “English” trainer.  I decided that this might be a good way for me to move forward.  Trying something new and something confined to an arena  seemed more secure to me.

I nervously drove myself to the barn that day for my first lesson, post accident.  My horse, Paulo, was all tacked up and ready for me.  The trainer pulled the horse over to the mounting block (easiest way to get on a horse putting less stress on his back).  I climbed to the top and began by placing my left foot in the stirrup.  I started to swing my right leg over his back, in slow motion.  During this long process of swinging my leg over my mind was screaming at me – “Don’t do it!  It’s not safe!  Are you crazy?  You could get hurt again!  You’re too old for this!!!!!”  I was terrified.  I could feel my heart beating against my chest.  Not to be embarrassed, I finished the swing and sat on his back.  The trainer walked us into the arena and we proceeded with my first lesson.

That was almost four years ago.  Since then I have owned two more horses, present one included.  I have come off four more times, seriously only once and that ended in a fractured thumb, requiring surgery.  Even though I ride a horse of sound mind and body now, there is always a risk you take when you ride.  All you can do is minimize the risk, both externally and internally.  The best way to minimize risk is learning how to be a better rider, every day.  Riding is about having a good “seat” for balance and safety.  Much of riding involves your brain and what it tells you, especially if you are nervous.

I am a little scared every time I get on her back but I work through it.  I work through it because I am one of those crazy people who can’t live without horses, without the smell of them, the feel of them underneath you, moving in unison with one of God’s most special creatures –   the beautiful, the magnificent, the spiritual….horse.

Picture of me saying goodbye to Timbre.

 

 

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