Author: Sarah Tauber

No! I don’t mean that at all cost you must be perfect in everything you do. You can never fail. No. That’s not the message I wish to impart. I’ve decided, especially after a recent experience, that there is no such thing as failure!  What?

If you try something and it doesn’t work out –  have you really failed or did you just figure out that you must re-group, perhaps learn a little more and then try again? Is it really failure? I have decided I dislike that word but more importantly, the concept. How defeatist it is! How does it make you feel?  LOUSY! Discouraged, disheartened and maybe even depressed. That’s not good. And who says you failed? Is it your own perception? Others’ perception?

Fail: (According to Webster:) 1. to fall short; 2. to miss performing an expected service or function; 3. to disappoint the expectations or trust…    It’s so final, so hopeless. I choose not to acknowledge it any longer. It’s a word we can all do without, right?

You take your driver’s test and you don’t make it. You didn’t get your license. Go home, study and try again! Does that make you a failure? Of course not.

Okay,  time to confess my recent “failure”. My first dressage show with my new horse. It did not turn out the way I wanted it to. We got to the venue late. I had only a short time to tack up and had but five minutes in the warm up arena. And then it was show time!  Ruby was nervous and trotting faster than I was used to. My nerves grew which in turn made her more nervous. (That’s the way it works with horses.) Old tapes played in my head, going back to the scary “out of control” feelings I have had in the past. It was too late. The time had come to perform in front of the judges. I wanted to die but I went into the arena on my nervous horse with dread in my heart.

She ignored most of my cues because they were incorrectly given. I kept looking for the “slow down” button on her back but it wasn’t there! The irony here is that the judges were loving her “forward trot”. She happens to look adorable when she does it, pointing her toes and looking like a true dressage horse.

I was mortified leaving the show arena. All I wanted to do was get out of there as quickly as possible. I had failed, at least in my eyes. I was a loser. Maybe I should focus more on my writing and not so much on riding. That idea didn’t last long. I love this! Strangely enough, my scores were not nearly as bad as I thought they would be. Imagine that.

For a couple of days afterward I felt downtrodden. I decided not to think about it for a few days. I tried to acknowledge the positives – decent scores, my horse behaved and I stayed on! Oh, yes, and my husband thought I looked great!

Yesterday was my first day riding her after the show. We practiced the things that bothered me on Saturday and how best to deal with them. I nailed it! I can regain control if I lose it.  I can do this! It was a great lesson, on many levels.

My next show with her will be soon. I will be better prepared mentally and hopefully Ruby will be less nervous. In any case, what happened on Saturday was not a failure. It was an opportunity for growth, a change in perspective and a time to look up instead of down. Now seriously, how can you call that a failure?  :)))

I used to judge bad parents. I’m not talking about BAD parents, but parents who are not around as much as they should be, parents who are not demonstrative with their children, don’t spend enough quality time with them, etc. I was married to one. After the divorce I thought he could have done more to create a close relationship with his son. As the years wore on, the contact with his only child dwindled down to almost nil. Initially I was very upset with him and judged him against standards that would have been impossible for him to achieve.

Years went by, I became a little wiser and one day while talking to my son about his father, it clicked. “He did the best he could, with what he had at the time.” Does that sound like an excuse to you? Maybe, a little. But I truly believe it. His father is not a bad man. I know he loves his son, in his own way – not the way we would prefer, but the only way he knows how.

It’s too bad but I think many adults blame their parents for all the ills that visit them in this life. Not fair. Sure, your childhood may not have been “Leave it to Beaver” or “Happy Days” but it was what it was. And you survived. Now it’s time to move on and be your own “parent”. What happens to you as an adult is no longer on them but on you. Stop blaming the past for your present. That’s the easy way out and not even reasonable.

If you are in a relationship with someone and after telling them over and over what you want/need from them they do not provide it, you have a decision to make. Does the good in the relationship outweigh the bad or are you fooling yourself into thinking they will change one day and become the partner you have always wanted? Maybe it’s time to face the truth. Maybe that person is being the best partner they know how to be and no amount of nagging, screaming or begging is going to turn them into the prince or princess you envisioned in your mind. Sorry.

My ex husband was not a great husband or father, but you know what? He was the best that he could be, given the tools he had to work with. My parents were not perfect. I came away with some minor neuroses (don’t we all?). But I have moved on from looking to my childhood for excuses.

Don’t expect perfection from your partner, your parents, your children. If your partner is not going to be the person you need, then maybe it is time to let them go. If your child is not the prodigy you hoped for or they are into art instead of sports, then celebrate the wonderful child you spawned. Don’t look at them as a disappointment. They are who they are. No amount of parenting will change that, not successfully anyway and not without doing irreparable damage.

As humans we are capable of amazing things but not all of us can achieve greatness in our lifetimes. Most of us do the best we can, given what we have to work with. Don’t try to change someone you love so that they can be what you pictured. Let them be who they are. I think it makes them more interesting and ultimately more attractive. Think about it.

As an older adult I am very familiar with the act of leaving. And it is never easy for me. Of course there are degrees of difficulty. There is a world of difference between leaving my husband at home in the morning, knowing that I will return in a few hours and leaving one of my adult children, not knowing when I will see them again. It is a pain that goes deep into my heart and only lessens with time. I hate leaving my children or having them leave me.

I was thinking about it today, how some experiences of leaving profoundly effect me. I just spent one week with my youngest son, his loving wife and their new baby boy.  Her first child. They live in Oregon. My older son and I helped them move up there 1 1/2 years ago. And then we had to leave. The pain of that leaving was lessened because one of my children was going back with me.

I visited them a year ago on my son’s birthday. Leaving after five days was hard. Leaving them most recently – now three people, one a precious three week old baby – was harder than I had prepared myself for. Eyes filled with tears, my heart ached enough to fill my whole body.

I have been through this many times. I also know that it gets better as every day passes, taking me further away from the “leaving”. I jump back into the things that make my life normal. The greater the immersion the easier the transition.

Your own experience of leaving is all about what you tell yourself. You decide on its meaning. Lots of freedom here.

Leaving is a significant experience, to be sure. You are separating yourself from another. What was two or more is now one – you.

Connections are important. Breaking connections will effect you whether they were temporary or permanent. It is profound, whether the leaving is the best that you can do for yourself or a situation wherein you have no choice.

Leaving can be serious, meaningful, complicated, necessary, painful, temporary, sad, courageous, difficult, forever, honest and real. Whatever it is, leaving changes things. It alters what is.  And it is usually hard to do. Maybe that’s why some people exchange the phrase “Goodbye”  with “See you later”.

Leaving is an inevitable part of life. When it must be done, do it with grace, love and a little class. It is, after all, the only way to get to the next place you are meant to be.  :))

Ever feel stressed when there is much to accomplish but not enough time? Some people’s “busy-ness” is self-imposed. They don’t know how to say “No” when someone asks them a favor. That is a skill set that must be learned and quickly. Feeling guilty or selfish when turning down a request is unnecessary. If you truly cannot fit anything else on your plate, then bow out gracefully! Being honest about your schedule may offend but nothing permanent. You, on the other hand, would clearly suffer by over extending; something that not only will effect you but also the loved ones in your immediate circle.

This is not what I am referring to when I say “The gift of being busy”. I retired almost four years ago after working for 40+ years. Sure, I was busy when I was working, but not my kind of busy – someone else’s busy.

Since retirement, my time is my own. It is the best! The busy life that is mine is self-created and very satisfying. I am much busier now than when I was working! (I’m sure you have heard that before but it’s true!) This is the time for all the things you wanted to do but couldn’t because most of your time belonged to someone else. Or – perhaps, as in my case, you didn’t discover all the wonderful things you enjoy doing until after retirement! Who knew I would write and publish two books in under two years? That I would write a blog once a week, publish a short story, do book talks and signings? And then there are the five times per week that I go to the barn to ride, groom or otherwise take care of my horse. I also assist my husband by making sales calls five days per week. Then I need to fit in going to the gym, hairdresser, chiropractor and occasional doctor.  Whew!

And so it goes. Isn’t it wonderful? Being busy doing things you love is a gift. It beats doing nothing or not being able to do what you love six ways to Sunday. (Where did that expression come from?)

When I am busy I feel connected to life. I’m a participant, not an onlooker. I’m in the arena where stuff is happening, not cheering on someone else who is in there. Outside the arena, cheering me on are my relatives and friends who have passed. And among them of course is my muse, Sadie. (Story for another day.)

What if not being busy is your thing? What if you spent years being busy and now you just want solitude and time to chill? You’ve earned it, right? Yes, you have! Again I say, doing what you love is the blessing I speak of, no matter what that looks or feels like. For me, it is filling my days with horses and writing and marketing. I do however, allow myself time to do nothing, every day. That is critical to my sanity. Balance is vital to a healthy life.

I am blessed to have my busy life. I wouldn’t change a thing. How about you?

p.s. There will probably not be a blog next week as I will be visiting, holding and fussing over my three week old grandson who lives in Oregon. Ahhh babies!  :))

“You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.”

Most of us are familiar with that expression. What does it mean? Simply put, you are more apt to get what you want in life with sweetness, rather than acidity. How does it work? Today I am thinking about business scenarios. Recently I had to confront (not one of my favorite things to do) someone at my publisher about a mistake that, in my opinion, was on them and not on me. I wanted to get them to fix it without charging me to do so. Making me pay for something I did not do seemed completely unfair if not indefensible.

My approach was firm yet respectful. I laid out my argument in a detailed fashion in an attempt to win my case. I was neither “sweet” nor “acidic” to the party on the other end of the phone, but rather somewhere in-between. I ended the conversation by acknowledging his limited decision making authority and requested that he approach his boss for a resolution.  He agreed, stating that he would get back to me. “Thank you,” I uttered politely. No word as of yet.

My husband’s approach in such matters is quite different from mine. When he knows or believes that he is in the right, he is not the least bit shy when making his point, minus the proverbial sugar coating. Sometimes he will relay the conversation to me after the fact. I have been known to cringe. The question is, is he successful in his unsweetened approach? The answer – mostly.

This brings to mind the question of expectation. Men are expected to be tough while negotiating. Women are seen as softer, not necessarily less assertive, but with less testosterone. My husband’s success without honey may be understandable, given his gender. Mine, as well, softening or sweetening the point while making it. Did I just discover something here or just re-state the obvious?

You have heard that tough male bosses are often looked upon as strong, smart and ambitious. For a female with similar qualities, the “B” word appears. Fair? Of course not. Part of our gender expectation? Absolutely.

Shall we say that the expression “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar” applies mostly to women? Or perhaps solely to women?  And that men can catch them any way they want to?

Wait – what if a male is approaching his female boss? What if a female is confronting her male superior? Does that change the dynamic? I think so. A woman might want to be tougher with a male boss and a man a bit more self-controlled while trying to win over his female boss. (Am I caught in the 60s here?)

It may be 2015 but I believe we still hold onto many gender biases from the past. Good or bad, that’s how it is. Women are without question highly successful in the corporate world. They’ve come a long way since the 1950s when they were wearing dresses and pearls with a vacuum cleaner in one hand and a spatula in the other. However, women must build their success differently than their male counterparts. It’s obvious to me that they have figured out how.

So, honey or vinegar? The recipe for success depends on gender and approach. Or you can just buy a fly swatter!   :)))

My newest grandson was born last night at 11:03 pm. That makes six grandsons for me. And my other daughter-in-law is expecting a boy as well, in September! Boys abound.

Today is Good Friday, the anniversary of the day that Jesus was crucified. Easter Sunday is when he rose from the dead. Resurrection – to rise again; resurgence, revival. If I allow my imagination to wander (which I often do), I think waking up every morning is a kind of resurrection. We rise again each day to live our lives in harmony with all that is. This sounds to me like a perfect opportunity to make new choices. To begin again, maybe better this time. How fortunate we are to be able to do that!

Not everyone sees it that way. Most of us (including me) seldom consider it when we wake up every day. I don’t consciously think, “Here is an opportunity to make better choices than I did yesterday. Here is a chance to start over and do things in a more positive way.” New day, new possibilities. Nope, I don’t think about that as I stretch, wash my face or get dressed. Shame on me!

It strikes me that a brand new baby has the ultimate clean slate. If we could only understand the power we have as children to create an amazing life, one choice at a time. But really young children don’t make many choices on their own. Choices are made for them. Unfortunately, we don’t realize our power until later in life and there are those who never realize it.  Many of these people would like us to call them victims.

Some people get it when they have near death experiences, or a reprieve from a illness that was supposed to kill them. They speak of how it changed their outlook on life. Now they don’t worry about the small stuff. They greatly appreciate the little things not to mention being able to continue their lives. The world looks different to them. Even though nothing has changed. Only their viewpoint. Life’s trials and tribulations still visit them. But now they are wearing different glasses. I believe it is called perspective.

We all have “bad days” when it seems as if everything is working against us. We get over one negative thing and another one follows. And on and on it goes.  “Bad” days happen to everyone. Know that tomorrow will be better. It almost always is. And besides, know that YOU are the one who labeled the day as “bad”. You could change the label to challenging or simply acknowledge that life isn’t perfect and move on.

So whether a newborn baby, an enlightened individual or a person given a second chance at life, know that every day is a fresh start, an opportunity to have the best day of your life, over and over again.  :))