What happens to us when we get older? How do we view our children when they are adults living their own lives? Where do I fit in? Questions that have shown up in my world of late that are causing me some consternation.
I usually see my local son on Sunday evenings for a private bible study. This has only been since the regular bible study group is on a temporary break and I didn’t want a break. Besides, it gave me a beautiful opportunity to spend time with my son as well as see the little ones and my daughter-in-law. Bonus.
But last night (as has happened two other times since we started this) my son texted me that they were super busy and could I take a rain check? A reasonable request but for some reason it caught me off guard and sent me into a deep pit. I was really looking forward to going there and talking about God. I was looking forward to seeing everyone. (Even though I had seen the kids and my daughter-in-law the day before, but who’s counting?)
It started me thinking. Do I need to be reminded that my grown children have families and lives of their own and I am no longer part of my sons’ immediate family? Oh the horror! I was crushed as I texted him “Okay” and then added a sad emoji just to be sure to let him know how I felt about being uninvited. Boo hoo.
Today I awoke and surprisingly the sadness was still hovering. “My sons love me, right?” I asked my husband pitifully. “Of course they do! Don’t be silly. They have their own lives now, don’t forget.” That should have made me feel better but it didn’t. I was left to my own thoughts, self pitying as they were.
I exchanged some texts with my son, feeling out the waters and letting him know what was going on with me. I wanted to be honest but cast no blame. He was just being reasonable and responsible, after all. He assured me that his intention was not to hurt my feelings. I let him know I was fine with it. No big deal. But it felt like a bit of a big deal for a while longer. Funny how that works.
My children are so important to me. I love them so much. I can’t (and don’t want to) imagine my life without them, their amazing wives and all of my beautiful grandchildren. The older I get, the more value I put on our relationships. Is it because I am feeling my mortality more these days? Maybe so. Some day I won’t be around to hang out with them, to babysit, to talk with my CA son on the phone for half an hour. So special. Such wonderful moments in time.
I suppose it’s about letting go. I think typically it is harder for a mother to let go of her grown children. And I suppose to let go of sons is harder and more necessary. Daughters hang around longer, or so it seems. But young men go off to create families of their own and let you know, even if quietly, that your role as number one has been supplanted. Sigh.
Maybe I don’t have enough life of my own right now? I’m not busy enough. Since I gave up riding I have so much more time on my hands. Trying to fill it up. Really. I’m working on it.
So what do we do when our children go off and we lose our special place in their lives? We adjust. We get busy. We see them when we can. We love them all the time. We support and love sometimes from afar. It’s hard. It’s natural. It’s how life goes. We need to cut the cord. It’s the circle of life. God bless.