It feels like I am ready to move on with my life after losing my precious horse, Barbie. I don’t know if this is too soon, if this is merely a break in the grieving and I will be back in the middle of it by next week. I do know that I don’t like being there, in the midst of grieving, that is. And, I don’t think I have ever allowed myself to be there for more than a few days. There is no hope in grieving, you know that? I don’t like being without hope. It doesn’t feel right.
When my father died, I cried but was through it fairly quickly. I still had my mother. When she passed, again I cried, took a few days off from work, made a pillowcase out of her nightgown that she wore to the hospital and put it on the small pillow she had in her favorite chair. “A mother pillow” I called it. I made two or three smaller versions for family members. And then I was done. I left the grieving place.
Two cat deaths had me crying and sad, again, for maybe three days. With this last one, I woke up on the third day and couldn’t stand the silence, the overwhelming and painfully obvious lifelessness in my home. I went out and bought two rescue kitties. They filled the void nicely and instantly brought cheer and life back to my abode.
As the grieving process began with Barbie, something was different. I gave myself permission to feel. I allowed myself to experience the loss and all that went with it. It has been 2 1/2 weeks since she passed. I am now looking for my next equine partner. It feels okay to be doing that.
My experience of grieving this time was much different from all other times in my life. It was more honest and real. I allowed myself to be there, in that place where it is very uncomfortable and where there is no hope. Grieving says it’s over. Grieving doesn’t talk about what’s next, the happy times to look forward to. Grieving is about the end of something and how your acceptance is required in order to get to the next stage which is moving on.
I would recommend going through it and not trying to resist. If you fly through it, it will only sneak up on you many times in the future and you will have to deal with it again and again. Best to pack a bag, grab your toothbrush and stay for as long as you need to. And don’t let anyone dictate how long that should be. We are all different and even every grieving experience is different. Stay until you feel you are strong enough to move forward.
Losing people or animals you love is very hard. Divorce, loss of a job, loss of your health, your home – any kind of loss is difficult and calls for a period of grieving. Let your heart tell you what you need. The first few days I went nowhere. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, except my immediate family. I did almost nothing. I slept a lot. When I felt okay to leave my home to run errands, there would be a time when I felt the need to go back home. It was almost like a panic attack but not quite. I just knew that I had to go home and so I did. Don’t force yourself to do things before you are ready.
When you get to the stage of moving on life has potential which can even translate to excitement and looking forward. That is where the hope comes in and I personally love hope. It’s the possibility of something good. It’s a shift in your perspective to maybe life isn’t all that bad. Maybe smiling today, even laughing, is okay to do. (Insert cliches here.)
Life means change. Change brings loss. Loss calls for grieving. Grieving leads to moving on and being happy, again. It can be a gift to yourself, a time to think only of what is best for you.
Next time you find yourself in a place called grieving, don’t run away. Stay a while. Give yourself permission to be there, as long as it takes. And then move on. It is a way of honoring what was and appreciating what will be.