Webster defines vulnerable as 1) capable of being physically wounded; 2) open to attack or damage, assailable. Wow, that sounds like a good thing, right? Not really. But you have probably heard or often been told that the only way to find love is to be vulnerable. The problem with this sage piece of advice is that by being vulnerable you are completely open to being hurt, not something we long for.
A person who is vulnerable opens up their heart, doesn’t play games, eliminates the walls or facades so that they are truly themselves and you (or anyone else for that matter) are welcomed in, in hopes that you come with (crossing fingers) good intentions. No guarantees, right?
It is very sad that there are many people who never find love because they wish to protect themselves against the hurt and pain that might result if they were to let someone in. My father used to tell me that if you are going to feel, feel it all. It is the only way you can experience life to its fullest. You cannot pick and choose. If you are open, you are open to all of it. You will feel the joy and happiness to the maximum but you will also feel the pain and sadness that comes from loss. It’s all or nothing.
People who refuse to be vulnerable have basically shut themselves off from the substance of life. They go about their days in a protective shell which no one can pierce. Are they happy? I don’t think so. They might think so. Maybe that’s enough for them. But by not allowing anyone inside, to really get to know them, they are preventing the most amazing experiences from happening. You see, the joy is locked out as well as the pain.
Playing it safe, I believe is the phrase. Are you playing it safe or living your life? Do you allow people to pierce your outer shell to find the wonderfulness of you? Or are you afraid what they may find when they get there? Is it scarier to imagine what might happen if someone were allowed in then to keep them out?
I was single as an adult for more years than I want to admit. I dated many men. When I found what I thought was a good one, I allowed them to know the real me. Yes, sometimes I ended up being hurt, sometimes it was just okay and I figured out quickly that this person was not worth getting to know on a deeper level. Sometimes I was the one doing the hurting. But when it was good, it was very good. Had I kept my walls up, I would have escaped the pain but also the joy. Even after painful breakups, I found other relationships in which to be vulnerable. I read once that Mae West, after being hurt by her lover, got up, dusted herself off and said loudly and clearly, “Next!”
Being vulnerable is not just about finding a mate. It is about making friends, finding God, making a difference in the world. How can you make your mark in life if no one can know the real you? Be your true self. I am sure that you are a beautiful gift which needs to be shared with the world, in order to make it a better place for all of us.
When I wrote my first book, a memoir, “For Dear Life” and started speaking about it in public venues, I was scared to share my story. It showed that I was not a perfect, got it together kinda gal, but flawed, very flawed. That was difficult for me to do. I did it so that others who have made similar mistakes would know that happiness can be found again. Life goes on and we learn from our past. Joy might be just around the corner.
Being vulnerable allows you to be in the game. Don’t stand on the sidelines. Participate. Not everyone will want you or love you or think you are amazing. But there will be at least one who will. And isn’t that worth it? There is nothing greater than to love and be loved however that shows up. Live your life with gratitude and enthusiasm. Be authentic. Take it all in. And be glad that you are here. :))